Peeta's Life: Part I
by ClosetFan83
Summary: An alternate version of Catching Fire from Peeta's point of view. A closer look of Peeta and the life he ultimately leaves behind. After he returns from the games what did he encounter, and how did his relationships carry on after his survival. An exploration of Peeta's life in District 12.
1. Chapter 1

I have to start putting myself back together. So I didn't get the girl. It's really not the end of the world. I can't help but laugh when I think about the bigger picture. My friend Nathan called my feelings towards Katniss puppy love. Yet another expression that must be a left over from some past that no longer touches us. Puppy love, no one around here keeps dogs. But apparently, puppy love means it's fleeting, capricious, and flippant. Often associated with children's feelings. Because, children's feelings are not too be taken seriously. I hate it when grownups patronizingly call us children, because really, what the hell does childhood mean in this world? We feel the wrath of our oppression the moment we are born, and any traces of innocence left are lost the moment our names appear on pieces of paper that toss us into a battle of death and murder. And yet, I couldn't possibly fully appreciate the sensation of love? In this world, having hope and finding beauty in our bleak lives gives us the only triumph we can achieve. So for me, a victor, keeping that hope is my only mission. That and keeping the ones I love safe.

I'm not stupid. After the games, before I saw Katniss, I had time to think about what we had pulled off and I knew the Capitol could not be happy. I did however, think that our love, I mean the love I thought we shared, would save us. That it would make for great television and hell of a story, ultimately giving the Capitol and Snow exactly what they want, distraction. I thought our truth would ultimately appease any animosity. But the moment I found out that it was in act, the passionate moment of despair and suicide between two crossed lovers became an obvious moment of resistance and rebellion. If Snow is suspicious, he will keep an eye on us and that means I have a lot more people to protect than just Katniss and my family. Yes, I definitely still feel obliged to help Katniss, love or no love we are in this together now. Maybe forever.

I look around my home and I'm grateful that Effie had a crew set everything up. I would not care to organize this space. I'm glad my family stayed in town. I felt so liberated going right to my mother and telling her right to her face that I didn't want her near me. I offered my brothers and father my home, but they still can't break away from the cycle of abuse and after the abuse I got in the arena, I will not put up with it from my mother. Part of me is also glad they decided not to come, part of me wants to hide away and be left to mourn alone. I look outside and I can see that it's getting late. Now what?

I am having a hard time concentrating. It's not like I have fleeting thoughts, I have moments of blankness. Now what? Oh yes, I dealt with my family. Now my friends, that is if I still have them. I need to make sure we stuck to the plan. This would have been the first time we actually had to turn to our plan since it was the first time one of us, from my close circle of friends, was reaped. When we were ten years old, starting to feel the Reaping loom over us, we started to discuss what would happen if one of us had to go. We had an encounter with Haymitch that made us realize that he wasn't lonely due to his drunken stupor. He had demons and he needed someone badly. Clearly he wanted to be alone by choice. At the age of ten we had experienced enough oppression from the Capitol to know that the Capitol would have no problem coming in to harm a single person. No, Haymitch wanted to be alone to keep the wrath of the Capitol away from other innocent bystanders. So we knew that if some day, one of us were reaped we would make sure to deflect enough attention from any one of us. I successfully did not mention any of them during the games. Thankfully, all my attention and the Capitol's was turned to Katniss and Katniss alone. When we were the district's pair, I knew I was going to die to protect her, so our plan wouldn't have mattered, but they did not know about my commitment to die. However, now that we both made it back, I need to make sure no one in my life was highlighted, especially not Ivy. Especially now that I know Snow will be watching us.

I think of my friends Nathan, Silas, Delly, and Ivy. The infamous event that lead to our master plan in case we were reaped. When we were ten years old, Nathan dared Silas to break into Haymith's house to get liquor. It was stupid and pointless, especially to me since I didn't like the taste of it back then. I guess we were all going through a mischievous phase. We did, that was actually the first time I met Haymitch. I wonder if he remembers, he never brought it up during the games or after and I didn't want to bring it up. We broke into his home at night assuming he would be asleep, I laugh knowing now why that was such a big mistake. There is no way he sleeps at night. Not then, not now, maybe not ever. He only passes out. We were so startled by his mad screams that Silas dropped the bottles of liquor. He was furious. I froze in terror. Luckily for me he fell and he cut his hands on the shattered glass. The site of blood and my friends calling out my name from outside shook me and I ran. I felt so guilty that the next day, I woke up bright and early with my dad to help him bake bread. He let me make two small loaves with the scraps of dough left from the bigger loaves of bread. I walked back to Haymitch's house and bravely knocked on his door. I still remember the anger and annoyance in his voice as he answered the door.

"What?!" then he looked confused as he looked at this small child standing in front of him. I immediately felt tears jump to my eyes. I was so scared of him, before me stood a killer and I had really made him angry. But I was determined to apologize.

Before I knew it I was blabbering on. "Mr. Haymitch, I'm Peeta Mellarck, I wanted to apologize for what my friends and I did last night. It was a stupid mistake, and we were bored, and we wanted to try hard liquor, and well we thought you of all people would have it. I would pay you back for the bottles we broke but there is no way we can repay that. I am also so sorry for the cuts on your hands. We had no right to break in like that…" My voice trailed off and I realized that I had said all of that in one breath but my nerves had not let me inhale. I found myself staring at his gray eyes.

His eyes moved to my paper bag. "What's in the bag?"

Finally I inhaled. "I brought you two loaves of bread as a token of my apology." He ripped the bag out of my hand. I saw his hands and saw that it was covered in old scars, I noticed more than one set of scars around his wrists. In District 12, you learn early on what that means. He reached into the bag and grabbed one loaf and took a big bite. I felt frozen, I was hoping he would dismiss me, hell I even would have preferred if he wanted to talk to my parents. I didn't care if that meant a beating from my mother, as long as he would dismiss me. After he ate the first loaf of bread in record time he stared at me. "You're Brian's kid right?" he asked.

"Yes sir." I couldn't believe my voice was so shaky and squeaky, I was terrified. He began to chew on the second loaf. While he ate I looked past his gray eyes into his home and saw the havoc. The holes in the wall, the smell of human waste, vomit, and total abandonment. The site of his home scared me more than this man's ability to kill. I know now because his home screamed hopelessness. Back then it just sent shivers down my spine. He shoved the empty bag back in my chest, which made me jump when his hand made contact with me.

"Take your trash with you" as he slammed the door behind him.

Yes, I knew I did not want me or my friends to end up like him. I never want to experience his loneliness. Suddenly there is knock at my door which startles me from my memory. I jump and walk towards the door. I've been back two weeks and aside from my family and Haymitch I've had no visitors. As soon as I open the door Delly rushes in and throws her arms around me. I lose my balance and we both crash to to the floor. She starts laughing out loud without letting go. Then I see Nathan and Silas pile on top and I'm being crushed by the overwhelming weight of their friendship and laughter. It's a strange moment because I feel a little detached, as if looking in from the outside, and I'm surprised to hear myself laughing with them. As if I didn't have a single care in the world.

"Guys get off me!" I laugh. They laughingly comply. "What are you guys doing here?"

"Well, at first we were going to wait for an official invitation Mr. Big Shot, and I don't know about you guys" he motions towards the rest of the gang "but I never got one" Silas turns to Nathan and Delly.

"I'm so sorry guys, I've been… out of sorts." I say to them feeling a little ashamed and badly for ignoring them this long.

"Is that what you call it?" Silas replies with a grin on his face. I know exactly where he's going and before In can interject he continues. "You are living next to your new sweetheart I can only imagine why you've been ignoring us and how you, of all people, are keeping busy." Nathan howls and pats Silas on the back while Delly rolls her eyes. I stay eerily quiet and this pulls the familiar banter to a halt. They just stare at me feeling they said something wrong. I want to explain, but not in here. I can't be sure we are completely alone. I bring my finger to my mouth.

"Stop Silas, I don't want you talking about her like that. She's special to me." I say and he nods understandingly, I can't explain in here. It's Saturday night, and they must have come for something and I don't want any potential ears or eyes to know about it. "I was just about to walk into town. I need to exercise my leg at least one hour a day so that I can get used to it. How about you guys walk with me, catch me up on what I've missed, and in case I'm too tired to keep going you all can carry me back home." I laugh, but I suddenly realize that they have not stopped looking at my leg. I take a deep breath and just go for it without thinking. I pull my pants up so that they see it. "Ok guys, here it is, see it, get used to it, get over it, I did."

"You're right. I'm so proud of you. As far as I'm concerned you're back in one piece and I couldn't be happier" Nathan says as he gives me a big hug. And with that we walk out. I have so many questions for them and I need to know how the Final Eight Interviews went. I never saw them. Plus, I'm glad they're here, it dawns on me that it's the first five minutes where I haven't thought about the arena. I welcome the distraction. Finally outside, I say "so you guys really missed me. I'm really sorry I hadn't called…"

But my thought is cut off by Delly."We're throwing you a surprise welcome back party!"

"What the fuck Delly?!' Silas and Nathan protest. I start to laugh and Delly looks like she's about to break into tears.

"I'm sorry guys, but I don't know how fragile he is, what if being surprised sends him into a trance, shocks him, or sends him off screaming?! I'm sorry but I don't' think I can see you like that Peeta" her tears start running down her face and I throw my arms around her. Her concerns are probably not entirely off base. I have been jumpy, and have been seeing things that are not there. Another reason why I've been avoiding my friends and family. Just yesterday I saw Cato, but at least I knew instantly that I was awake and so it was not real. Of course, I accomplished nothing after that for the rest of the day.

I look around at Silas and Nathan. "She's not entirely wrong. I'm going through some things. I'm trying… I'm trying to sort things out and get used to being back here. I'm processing what happened, what I did, what I had to do… to survive". They nod.

"Whatever you need, you got it" says Nathan.

"I'm going to run ahead and make sure no one screams surprise. Wait here, I'll be back. That ok?" Silas gives us his good natured grin and runs ahead. I'm so touched by their gesture. I can't believe they seem so at ease around me. I don't want that to change.

Nathan puts his hand on my shoulder and looks me in the eyes. "Look I wanted to talk to you about anything you needed to talk about before this party. I just didn't know if I should come to you, I didn't want to intrude, especially if you were going to be with Katniss… But rumor has it, you two haven't seen each other since the Capitol freaks left town. This was the only day we could sneak this party, and you know our parties…" he talks in a low voice and raises his eyebrows.

The town kids have been throwing parties in vacant houses for as long as I can remember. Yes we have to sneak around, break curfew at times, and sneak liquor but it's all we got. We never rat each other out. Planning takes time and lots of coordination, so I fully appreciate the thought. Normally we make parties at the end of the school year and at the end of the summer.

"Thanks guys, I'm honored. As for Katniss, you didn't hear wrong." I say.

"It was an act then?" Nathan asks and my reluctant nod gives it away. "On her part anyway" says Nathan. I nod again. "I knew it! Man! I wanted it to be true. I have to hand it to the two you, it was the most exciting Games to date, according to the Capitol. " He says it sarcastically imitating the Capitol accent. "Leave it to Mellarck to serve them up with a fucking beautiful love story. I'm impressed, really. By her especially, I didn't know she had it in her."

"I'm so sorry Peeta. That must have been weird for you. Did you even have time to consider your feelings? Did you guys agree to this before you entered the arena?" asks Delly.

I laugh. "No, she found out along with the rest of the country about my genuine feelings."

"What was your angle?" asks Nathan.

"I didn't have one." Nathan and Delly's eyes grow wide because they know what I'm about to say next. "The moment they called my name at the reaping, I knew I was going to die. I had no intention to take part in a fight to win. My angle was to make sure she won." This takes their breath away. "Which brings me to my questions for you guys. How did our Master plan play out?"

"I was the only one interviewed. The rest were teachers, some of our wrestling buddies, your brothers of course. General sentiment is that you're popular, you're well liked, the teachers love you, you kick ass in wrestling, and that sums it up. When they saw how many friends you had, well you would have taken up the entire special." Says Nathan coolly but I can still tell he's catching his breath after hearing my confession.

I finally ask, anxiously. "No one mentioned Ivy?"

"No." They both reply in unison.

"She was not interviewed and no one mentioned you having a girlfriend. Thank goodness." Delly sighs with relief.

"Indeed" I say.


	2. Chapter 2

Silas finally returns with a huge smile on his face. "Wait till you see it man, best party ever! No Capitol party of course"

"You made my day" I tell him. He hugs me and pulls me forward. I start to feel anxiety as we approach the house. I see no indication of people and Silas makes a gesture pointing down, meaning this house has a basement. I nod understanding.

We walk inside, and head down the stairs and I'm received with an overwhelming scream. I'm frozen at first, because unlike the hollow drunken cheers of strangers in the Capitol, I look at this crowd and they are all familiar faces. Friends that I grew apart from, neighbors, class mates, Stella my first kiss, Deb my first lay, Jeff my first fist fight. It's like my old life is in these people and I feel so good to be in it.

Silas pulls me next to him and pulls out his prized flask and raises it in the air "Everybody! Peeta is back!" Everybody cheers and he continues "you made us proud, you kicked ass, and you didn't compromise yourself once! I saw Peeta through and through. And completely in character you even showed off your chivalrous side!" Some guys start howling and whistling and someone screams out Katniss's name and that gets some whistles. I nod and roll my eyes. My friend continues, "you have brought every person back in 12 some trace of your winnings that will change lives." I'm shocked by my friend's last statement. He's never this serious. Someone pushes him a cup with wine in it and he hands me his flask. "To Peeta" he calls out. "Too Peeta" the whole room screams out. And to that I take a drink. Someone starts playing an old music player. It's amazing the treasures we find in this place, but we like to keep it quiet. These gatherings create a world that pulls us away from the oppression lived in 12. When we find things like music players and disks of musicians from long ago we feel excited because we know, in our own way we are sticking it to the Capitol. It's as rebellious as we dare be. But I know, Katniss and I wandered into an entirely new world of rebellious behavior with our berries, forcing the Capitol to grant two victors. I suddenly feel the enormity of what we caused, and I have to take a huge gulp of the white liquor in Silas's flask. He laughs and pulls it away from me.

"You probably shouldn't drink too much Peeta. You don't know how it might affect you" Delly says concerned.

I nod. "You're right Delly. I throw an arm around her and kiss her cheek. I start talking to everybody. Thankfully they are letting me ask them questions and so I get to just listen. It puts me at ease. The last thing I want to do right now is talk about myself. Then I hear her voice.

"Peeta."

I turn and see Ivy staring right at me. My stomach sinks a little and I instantly feel guilty. But at the same time I have to admire her. The nerves I feel enhance the alcohol in my system and I feel an instant buzz seeing her. Ivy, she's quite possibly the most beautiful girl in town. I take in the long wavy red locks that reach the middle of her back. Then I take in her face, her amazing poker face, the one that refuses to give anything away. Her large emerald green eyes that sit above a regal nose and full lips that are perfectly sculpted. There is something about her presence, the way she holds herself, that gives you the impression that she's cunning, calculating even. I know better.

"Ivy" is all I can say at first. She stares at me. Looks me up and down and like always her face gives nothing away. "I didn't know if you would make it here tonight. I needed to see you." I step forward and I reach out my hand to touch her. I feel so nervous and my hand hesitantly looks for where I can reach out to. It lands on her arm, and I muster the nerve to pull her gently towards me. Finally Ivy wavers a little. Her chin tightens and begins to tremble, and just like that whatever wall was up, it's broken down because she throws her arms around my neck, pulls my face down to her, and plants her full beautiful lips on mine and I am buzzing everywhere. The people around us let out and obnoxious awe.

"Get a room you two" I hear Silas say.

"Shut up" Delly tells him.

"No seriously, if ever, two people deserved a room it's the two of them." Silas says it pointedly.

Ivy pulls away from my lips to turn around and smack him. I laugh, and it dawns on me, just like old times. I suddenly wish the two of us were alone so that I could talk to her and explain everything and… I don't know what else. I don't know what I want and I'm not sure that I can go back to where we left off. Or that she would even want to. Is that even an option? Other people start approaching us, and I'm taken aback at how natural this all feels. But then I start to have that disconnected feeling, like I'm looking in from the outside. I see young kids hanging out, genuinely happy, and genuinely interested in talking to each other. I also feel like everyone is talking around me. Normally I'm very social and I love to talk to everybody but right now, everybody knows to give me space and no one is pushing anything. Aside from a pat on the back or a hug accompanied with a _It's good to see you_. It's exactly what I need and probably also all I can take. I look at Ivy who has wrapped herself with my arm. I wonder what she's thinking.

Ivy and I are close. I've had fleeting girlfriends but Ivy hit a nerve. Of course I didn't mention her in the games, to anyone. It was also part of the pact my friends and I made. We were not to disclose anyone dear to us, to protect them. While Katniss and I were in the cave and she asked me about other girls, I told her that of course I had noticed every girl but no one had a hold on me the way she did. Ivy, however, is a different story, but I couldn't come out and say that I had a relationship. That would have been the end of our ticket out. Ivy is a bit of an outcast, kind of like Katniss. However, unlike Katniss, it's not by choice. Ivy has had a rough life. Her father is quite possibly the biggest asshole in District 12. He is hated more than the damn peacekeepers, and that says a lot. Her father, Max, owns a bar and we're not sure what other activities he's involved in but we know that he has the most money out of everyone in the District. Well, except Haymitch, and now Katniss and I. Whatever it is, it doesn't involve the Hob which means it's VERY illegal. One way he was making money as it turned out, he pimped out Ivy when she turned 12. As Ivy, told us. The day of our first reaping, she rushed home relieved to not have been reaped, and there was a strange man in the house. She looked at her father. He pulled her into another room and told her that if she was old enough for reapings and all that entails then she was old enough to start earning her keep in that household. He's disgusting and I hate him. Being forced into prostitution didn't break her down. When she turned 14 she put a stop to it. She holds something over her father's head, and it must be big since he stopped forcing her to prostitute. She's a fighter, she's resilient, she's brave, she confronted the town's gossip, she's smart, she's tenacious, and she's damaged. So of course I was drawn to her. I took her in with open arms, first as a friend. But what can I say. In a damaged world like ours someone like me and her are going to focus on the good, we have to. Add hormones to the mix and of course we ended up kissing one day. Unlike my previous kisses, I felt something deeper with her. One day, she had a bad fight with her father and she ran away and ended up in my room. I comforted her. I kissed her and of course that led to more. Before I knew it, that pull that she has on me took over. We were slipping out of our clothes and we had sex. It wasn't our first time, but for the first time it meant something else then just pleasure to escape our everyday agony. It was beautiful. I felt like I couldn't get enough of her. After, I rested my head on her breast over her heart. I loved feeling the sensation of her moist skin against my cheek and I was mesmerized by how the tips of her red locks soaked in the sweat from her body. I smiled as I caught my breath and I listened to her heart pound away furiously fast in her chest. I remember telling her how her heart was going to wake up my family if she didn't calm down.

"Peeta, Peeta, Peeta" I hear Ivy calling me and I'm pulled out of my trance. Nathan, Silas, and Delly are staring at me. They look concerned. I look around and see that no one else has noticed my trance.

I laugh. "It's all right. Sorry, I was remembering something" I stare into Ivy's eyes and she smiles at me.

Just then Madge bursts through the door and she takes a tumble down the steps. Delly rushes to her. She must be hurt because I can see tears on her face. I walk towards her. She looks up at me from the bottom step. I pull my arms out, she reaches to hold my hands and I easily pull her up into my arms and into my embrace. She cries softly.

"Those tears for me?" I pull away and wipe her tears with my hand. She smiles.

"No. Those are tears of embarrassment nothing more." She replies.

"Are you sure you're not hurt?" I insist.

"No. I'm just distracted" she says. I look behind us and see that Ivy is walking across the room towards someone that waved her over. I turn back to Madge.

"Have you seen or talked to Katniss?" I ask quickly as my stomach sinks so much so that my eyes close by the weight of it. I'm dying to know if she has said… something.

"Yes. I've gone to see her a few times. But she's having a hard time. Like you I'm sure. She's more reserved than usual. Even less up for talking, if you can imagine that. She started hunting again." She looks up at me sheepishly because she knows that I know this means she's spending time with him, Gale. "Have you tried talking to her?" she asks.

"No. No, I… It's complicated and I have my own demons to deal with." I say. I look over at her and I can see her staring into the distance and she looks sad, I can see a trace of my heartbreak in her. "Are you sure you're ok?"

"Yes, I'm sorry. I'm just tired. I really only came to give you a hug and say welcome back friend. When I saw you both leave that day… I didn't want to think of the worst case scenario but I didn't dare hope for one of you to return because I could not have handled the heart break. And then to have the two of you do what you did and come back…" Her eyes tear up again and she chokes up. I hug her. "I should really get going."

"You know what, so am I. I'm getting tired and I don't want to risk breaking curfew. I have no doubt we are being watched now. Plus having a handpicked house for me by the Capitol tells me I need to be extra careful." I say.

"I'll come by and see you, there are a few things I can point out to you. Things I've learned to keep an eye out for in my own house. Aside from Victor Village homes, the mayor's house is also handpicked by the Capitol." She tells me.

I'm stunned because I never thought about this before.

"You look impressed" she says to me.

"I am. And I don't know why" I tell her.

"I'm a little offended by that. Everyone seems to think I'm this plain goody rule abiding Madge"

"No, I don't think that… Okay yes, you are a very good girl. But you almost sounded… clandestine" I stare at her as she stares back at me with a proud smile.

Silas suddenly startles us by wrapping his arms around us.

"Look at who decided to grace us with her presence. Peeta, she was ditching us while you were gone" He says.

"I was not ditching you guys" she responds bleakly.

"Yes, she was. She was. I think it's a boy." He says.

Madge starts to blush "I was just leaving" she glares at Silas.

"Me too" I say.

"Well if you leave then the party is over, and I want to walk the guest of honor home." He says.

"You know this means you will not be the last person to leave the party?" I point out in disbelief.

"Peeta baby, you are the party and it goes where you go." He says.

Just then Ivy, Delly, and Nathan start to move in our direction. Ivy pushes into me and gives me a kiss. I notice that Madge is a little surprised to see our affection and Ivy gives her a look that can only be interpreted at reproachful.

I lean into Ivy "I'm tired and I'm going to head home" I whisper into her ear.

"I want to come with you" she says. I stare at her wondering how I can pull this off. Am I ready to be alone with her? First thing is first, I need to talk to her and explain a lot.

Nathan overhears her request "why don't we all spend the night over with you Peeta? That way, if there are eyes or ears around, it will show the whole group of us in your place and Ivy won't be singled out." He suggests and Ivy smiles at me.

Madge interjects "there are only ears" She says confidently. I look at her in disbelief and my eyes must show it. "what?" she asks reproaching me.

"Now I'm really impressed. And Madge you are coming to this sleepover. I need to talk to Ivy and you need to show me these ears. " I start to walk up the stairs and the rest of the party starts to call out to me. I turn around to look at the crowd. "Thanks everyone, I'm truly touched." I stop for a moment and I'm hit by a big reality, by how irresponsible it was of me to come here. I must look haunted because my friends look really concerned. "I can't keep coming to these parties. You all know why… Things are different for me now. Thank you for having my back, we all seem to have an understanding don't we?" I look at all the faces and they nod. "Coming here is a risk and I cannot put any of you in the line of any kind of danger, especially not in my name. Thank you for your support, for believing in me." I turn around and head up the stairs as fast as I can. Whatever was left of my care free youthful days, as care free as you can get in the districts, are gone. I suddenly feel the full weight of it and again I regret coming to this party. I'm outside alone and suddenly I hear my friends rushing to me. They don't say anything they just walk beside me. All the way back to the Victor's Village. We walk past Katniss's house, and I can't stop myself from looking into it. She's so close but she might as well still be in the Capitol. I suddenly long for her. Always at night, I manage to keep myself busy during the day and I'm mostly haunted by the other tributes but at night. Bam! The full impact of my heartbreak for Katniss leaves me cold. Every night I have a lot of nightmares, by far, the worst one is her of her dying in my arms. I wake up paralyzed and frozen.


	3. Chapter 3

CH3

Madge has explained to me that her house, like Haymitch, Katniss, and mine home has the same lay out. So the plan is, that when we walk back into the my house, they will insist for a tour. Madge will point out every listening devise. She will also show me how I can remove them and simply put them elsewhere if I want privacy. I'm utterly stunned by her knowledge and boldness. So, when we walk into my house, I begin the tour. Madge silently points out the devices. When we walk into my bedroom and Madge points out the devices, Ivy whispers something in Madge's ear that makes her blush. She glares at Ivy but she then proceeds to show me how to remove them without saying a word. We look everywhere for more, but Madge is holding them all. She gently walks out with them and sets them down in one of the guest bedroom. We all go back downstairs to my living room and I show them a video game that was gifted to me by the Capitol. I set it up and Nathan and Delly start to play it. Silas and I walk into the kitchen to bring snacks out and after about an hour of playing, Nathan suddenly says "Look Peeta, Madge and Ivy fell asleep. I'm going to cover them up." Ivy stands up and takes my hand and leads me to my bedroom. Madge glares at Ivy again. I have to find out what is going on with the two them.

When we're in my room I ask her "what's with you two? You've been giving each other dirty looks all night. Did you two fight or something?"

Ivy takes a deep breath before she gives me her composed stare. So of course I'm taken aback when she responds "Katniss. That's why we're fighting, because of your girlfriend Katniss."

"We need to talk." Is all I can say.

"Real or not real. You love her?" she asks. This is what I'm talking about, Ivy doesn't waste any time.

I look her in the eye and I'm a little upset myself. I'm mad at her, because honestly right now, it seems trivial. I just survived, I barely made it out with my life. So I surprise myself when I don't even stutter my response. "Real."

Her emerald eyes are burning, she's furious. I can tell. She's breathing heavy. She stands up and looks out my window and stares at Katniss's house. "Why didn't you ever tell me?"

I'm feeling increasingly impatient as I reply. "There was no point. I wasn't doing anything about it before." She must be surprised I'm never callous like this.

"It's all true, you've been pining after her since the age of five?"

"Yes." I respond.

Ivy laughs in disbelief. She starts to pace around my room as she glances over at me and my eyes just follow her around my room. "I remember you looking at her, often, a lot really. I just thought you were looking at her like all the other guys do, hell the way we all do. Because let's face it she's impressive."

"She is." I reply, again I sound so callous, I surprise myself. Even Ivy's poker face breaks a little, but wins her resolve again.

"She mentioned something about bread, what the hell was she talking about?" she asks stopping her pacing to stand in front of me.

"When we were eleven, she was close to starving.." I begin to say but Ivy interrupts me.

"I remember that. I didn't think she'd survive the school year." She says coolly and her tone sends ice down my body. I feel almost as cold as Katniss looked that dreary day. But I guess she's responding to my callousness. As always she has a good hand. I glare at Ivy, in defense of Katniss.

I continue "she was picking through my garbage for food, I burned large loaves of bread so that my mother would make me throw them out. I went outside and gave them to her. That's what she was talking about"

Ivy stares at the floor then she looks at me "so you saved her life." She laughs, and I'm not sure that I like her laughing at this. "You know those Seam people, they're very proud. Had something like that happened a year after that and she might not have taken anything from you." I wonder what else to say to her because there really is nothing else to explain or at least nothing I want to. But I try anyways.

"You heard when my crush began, I romanticized about her, it didn't stop. I tried to like other girls to get over this crush but it didn't work. It was innocent, very innocent. Then the bread happened, and somehow for some delusional inexplicable reason of mine I felt bound to her. When her name was called at the reaping my heart stopped, I'm not sure that I would have ever been the same had I stayed here and she lost."

"You really feel that?" she interrupts me.

"Yes I do." I reply honestly. I nod and stare boldly into Ivy's eyes. "When they called my name, what can I tell you. The idiot in me, or the romantic in me, actually thought it was fate. That's what crossed my mind. I was terrified for her. I knew without hesitation that I would die trying to get her to come back here. So I put it all out there because I knew it would help her and I would finally be getting it off my chest."

Now there are tears running down Ivy's face and I feel terrible. This makes me pull her down to sit next to me. "You don't even know her", she protests. "Everyone in Panem got to know you Peeta, she didn't give us anything. We only saw your shiny interpretation of her. And if we didn't see who she is, you sure as hell didn't. Because you don't expect me to believe that your relationship is real. It was an act for her. She and Gale are practically a done deal." I regrettably wince when she says this and I know that she noticed because she stops talking. We're both silent for a moment. "I'm sorry I couldn't help you get over your crush for her. She looks at me and gives me her poker face again. She's about to get up but I grab her hand and sit her down next to me again.

"Don't do that. You're more to me than that." She glares at me in protest. "I am terrified about you being here right now because I know for a fact that Snow hates what Katniss and I pulled off. I am terrified that he will find out about my relationships because I can't imagine him wanting the whole country to know that we lied and got away with it. I care about you, I love you Ivy. I don't want to see anything happen to you." She sits still and lets me pull her into an embrace.

"I hate to think that I've been a substitute while you waited for your heart's true desire to come along. And let's face it, if she hadn't been pretending, I wouldn't be sitting here now." At that moment, I am so glad she can't see my face because it's true and my face would confirm it. My silence will but I don't want her to see it in my face.

I finally do pull away "Ivy, do you honestly believe that I don't care for you?"

"No" she replies sadly. "I know you care."

"Let's focus on our present reality. I'm in danger and so is Katniss. Our relationship is a farce and I don't know what we are going to do about it. The whole country is in love with it and I don't know for how long we are suppose to go along with it. More importantly if she and I are in danger, then so are my loved ones, and that includes you. I have a feeling I was more convincing than Katniss but I cannot be so irresponsible as to assume that Snow's eyes are only going to be on her and not me."

She looks at me sympathetically "you're right. But Peeta, I will take on these risks. Let's face it living life is a risk every day in the districts. I want to help you cope. You must be having a hard time." She gently caresses my cheek. I gratefully press my cheek to her hand. She is always such a comfort. "Peeta, I'm crazy about you and I am just naive enough to forget about Katniss if it means I can be with you like before." She presses into me and her lips press to mine. The heat behind her kiss takes my breath away, and I welcome it because I feel desire for her and it makes me feel normal, human. My hands go to cradle her face and then I scoop her hair with my hand so that I expose her neck. I move my lips to her neck and kiss it. She has such a lovely neck. I can hear her sigh. She pulls back and stares into my eyes. Her dark emerald eyes stare at me with such sadness that it breaks my heart. "Ivy" I call to her not really knowing what it is that I want from her. She sinks into me, kissing me with more urgency. Her tongue pries my mouth open and lavishes my tongue making the desire in me grow more and I feel excited to feel this again. She begins to unbutton her shirt, and I panic. I take her hands in mine, and pull away from her. I exhale.

"Ivy wait." I whisper. "I don't know if I can." Ivy smiles and reaches between my legs and cups my bulge. We laugh.

"I think you can." She says.

"Ivy, we were just fighting a second ago and now you're ready to tear our clothes off?" I press my forehead to hers because part of me just wants to sink in her warmth. Now more than ever, I can appreciate it all so much more. And she seems to read my mind because she says.

"Peeta, you're alive. That matter more than everything. Every night that I saw those terrible games I wanted so badly to have you in my arms and protect you and love you…" She stares at me in disbelief, I guess that I'm sitting in front of her alive after what I went through. "That's all that matters you're here, and I know that you want me right now. And it's not because you can't have her" she points to Katniss's house. "But because I'm the only one that can make you feel something beautiful right now, something meaningful. You're here alive, and that's all that matters." She sinks into me again, and with that all my reluctance escapes me. I undress her and kiss every inch of skin I uncover because I am so grateful to have this moment. She undresses me kissing every inch of skin she uncovers. It's strange I feel similar jitters like the ones I felt the first time I had sex. Perhaps this is like my first time as the new me. When she starts to tug at my pants I sit up. I had completely forgotten about my leg. I look startled.

"Ivy… my leg" And I hate that for the first time I feel embarrassed about it.

She puts her hand over mine as it rests on my leg, and kisses me. She continues to undress me until I'm naked. She stares at my leg and touches it. Her hand runs up and down and I still feel embarrassed. Her fingers trace my knee and she moves down towards where my prosthetic meets my flesh.

"Take it off" she demands. I nod no. "Please." She kisses my knee. So I comply. She stares at it lovingly, and she kisses my knee again. She pushes me back and I feel her entire bare body against mine just like before. I feel tears spring to my eyes. I then feel her tears run down my cheeks. I look up at her.

"You're alive Peeta." Her breath escapes her and she can't speak anymore because there are soft sobs escaping her instead. I know that is all that matters. She leans down to kiss me deeply and I respond because I'm so happy to be alive and feel Ivy in my arms again. I lose my inhibitions and lose myself in her arms, her kisses, her caresses, and inside her. That hunger for her takes over and any shadow looming over me seizes to exist in this moment. I make love to her in a way I never have before because I appreciate it all in a way I didn't before. I experience pleasure in a way that I hadn't before, perhaps because nothing ensures me I will have it tomorrow. Tomorrow it may all turn dark and violent again. But right now I have this, I have Ivy moving with my body pleasuring me, and me pleasuring her. By the end, I am laying on top of her. I rest my head over her breast, enjoying the moisture of her skin against mine. I can feel the ends of her red tendrils soaking in her sweat, and her heart pounding in her chest. I feel tears in my eyes again.

"All the ears in this house are going to hear your heart beat if you don't calm down." We both start laughing hysterically but in a whisper. Then we both end up sobbing in each other's arms because we both deserve better than this. To make love freely, to not have been thrown into a death trap, to not have been forced into prostitution, and the wrath of Snow looming over us. We deserve so much more. All of us, all of Panem.


	4. Chapter 4

The next morning Ivy wakes me up from a nightmare. She looks concerned but I instantly feel better knowing it was all a dream. She kisses me and I kiss her back. She looks at me questioning my nightmare.

"You don't want to know" is all I can muster to say. I lean into kiss her and I want to make love to her again. I roll over her, pinning her below me. I sit up and I see Haymitch from my window. He's leaving his house and heading towards mine.

"Shit! Ivy quick, get dressed and run downstairs. Pretend you were sleeping with everyone downstairs." Ivy looks out the window and sees Haymitch coming towards my house. She gets up and puts her clothes on in record time. She's out of my room in only a few seconds. I sit up, put my prosthetic on, run to the bathroom and clean myself up as best as I can. I splash water on my face making sure I wash off any traces of Ivy. I clean my groin, and throw on a fresh pair of underwear. I put on my pajama pants and t-shirt then race downstairs. Just as I'm coming down my kitchen stairs, Haymitch opens up my back door. Ivy must have locked the front door. Good thinking on her part. I look surprised to see him.

"Good morning. You're up early" I say surprised.

"You're not." As he suspiciously looks me up and down. I look at the clock and he's right it's nine in the morning. I'm usually up a lot earlier baking.

"I guess I was able to sleep in. I had company over last night." I point towards the living room. Haymitch looks surprised and he peeks into the living room. I look after him and the gang is passed out on my sofas. Ivy is even cuddling with Delly, you'd think she was there all night. I smile.

"I guess I should have known you weren't going to be a hermit like me and sunshine."

I laugh. "I guess not."

Haymitch puts his hand on my shoulder "I'm glad you have this and that you can do this, return to some normalcy. When I won, two weeks after I returned, half the people I cared about were taken from me."

I shudder and suddenly feel freezing cold. I stare into the living room and look at my friends, I look at Ivy and I feel terrified.

"But you're ok." He pets me on my shoulder. I feel some relief because if I'm deceiving Haymitch, I must be doing a good job.

I change the subject because I don't want to think about it. "Sorry Haymitch, I don't have any fresh bread yet but I do have some stuff from yesterday." I make him a cup of coffee and cut up some muffins. I pour myself a cup of coffee to make him think I need it.

"Who are your friends?" he asks.

"My best friends. Nathan and Silas wrestle with me. Delly and I grew up together, she was my next door neighbor. She's the closest thing I have to a sister. The redhead is Ivy and you must know Madge, the mayor's daughter."

He nods. " I know Madge. I've seen the redhead before. Pretty girl." He eyes me curiously. I look at him without blinking. "Did you know she is a prostitute?"

I flush in anger but keep calm and force myself to be rational "She used to be a prostitute. Her father forced her."

"I knew that. Her father offered her to me once" I look horrified at him. " I knocked him out. That bastard is quite possibly worse than Snow. If your friend managed to get away from under his control bravo to her. Normally I would tell you to keep your distance from any district trouble like that but if ever you want to help her out, I'll back you one hundred percent."

I nod. "Thank you."

"Good morning." I'm startled to see Ivy staring in on us. Haymitch looks up to meet her eyes. Ivy boldly stares back at him with her usual demeanor, she clearly overheard but is not about to show a single trace of emotional response. Ivy has only broken down over those days in my arms, with everyone else, her surviving those days is like a badge of honor. It's strange to see Haymitch share space with Ivy. I never thought that would happen. I smile to myself because I never realized that if anyone can hold their own with Haymitch, Ivy would be it. She walks across the kitchen and purposefully sits across from Haymitch not trailing her eyes away from his, like everyone else in this town does. "Thank you for helping bring Peeta back to us." Haymitch nods.

With that he takes a big swig of his coffee. Then I hear everyone moving around in the living room and the rest of the gang walks in. Haymitch looks up to see all of them and he looks uncharacteristically nervous. He reaches into his pocket and pulls out his flask. I realize that this is probably as sober as they have ever seen him.

"Hi Mr. Haymitch" Delly chirps in her usual peppy nature. I smile when I see Haymitch jump at her voice. Silas walks towards the chair next to Haymitch and sits next to him. He pulls out his flask to take a swig from it. Haymitch looks disapprovingly at him.

"Isn't it a little too early for you to be drinking?" He says.

"What about you?" Silas retorts.

"I said it's a too early for YOU, not me." Haymitch responds as he stares at the flask Silas holds. Suddenly, I tense up and look at Nathan. Silas stole that flask from Haymitch's house when we broke into his house all those years ago. "I had a flask just like that."

Silas tenses but recovers quickly "No kidding, I bought it at the hob."

Haymitch nods wondering, and I can only imagine that he's probably thinking he dropped it there long ago. Silas, Nathan and I start to laugh out loud. He looks at us and stands up "thanks for the muffins boy. You all be good. If you are going to be around Peeta it's important that you do nothing that can get him unnecessary attention." They all nod. He's about to walk out when Ivy stops him on his track.

"Thank you for not taking up my father's offer." Says Ivy. Haymitch stops and turns his head with wide eyes to look at her.

"I would never."

Ivy nods at him and he turns around, closing the door behind him.

Then the usual easy banter continues among my friends. I get that disconnected sensation again, like I'm on the outside looking in. I'm assessing the scene in every way possible making sure that it's not suspicious. Assessing every word that comes out of their mouths and I carefully study everything that comes out of my mouth. No need to pull the ears out of the kitchen at the moment. We are just a handful of District 12 adolescents hanging out; no one would even think there is a Victor among us.


	5. Chapter 5

The months are coming and going and I am starting to feel the Victory Tour begin to loom over me. I have been doing better than expected. I am never going to be the boy that was reaped, but I will be the Victor that returned broken, traumatized, and tired. I still can't muster a complete night of sleep. To make matters more heart wrenching, about a month after my return, in the middle of the night I was woken up by Katniss's screams. I thought it was my nightmare and then I heard it, _Peeta! _It turned by blood cold. Her screaming lasted for about five minutes and it was agony. I almost ran to her, but I couldn't. So instead I walked to my studio and began my bloody art exhibition. It has helped, somewhat. I even find myself admiring my talent. I see my friends, but not as often as I would like. It's not them, it's me. I can't connect with them like I did before. They are being so patient but I find myself spacing out reliving nightmares or staring at my victims. I'm honestly afraid that I'll end up alone like Haymitch, even Katniss. If Madge didn't impose herself on Katniss, I'm not sure that she would see anyone aside from her family and I guess Gale. Although word has it he has been avoiding her, and I can't help but feel guilty because I'm sure I'm the reason for it. I understand that she only sees Gale once a week. I see Ivy more than that, I guess out of all my friends I feel closest to her. Perhaps it's because we're lovers but I know that she will never fully understand what I carry with me everyday, nor would I want her to. It's times like these that I know the only person in the world that can hold me and relieve some of that pain is Katniss. But she is too tied up to other feelings especially my heartbreak, so much so that I'll never allow myself to seek comfort from her.

Which brings on a big problem, Katniss and I have not acknowledged each other. Huge problem. Haymitch is ready to drag us in a cellar and lock us in there until we resolve something. I can only assume he is hounding Katniss about it as well. The other day he stormed into the house and he nearly caught me and Ivy in the kitchen. I was starting to bake and Ivy showed up unannounced. She went around removing the ears from the kitchen and placing them in a hallway closet. She ran to me and I welcomed everything she wanted to give me. I was so caught up in her that I lifted her and sat her on the counter and I started to undress her. Suddenly my front door swung open followed by Haymitch's cursing. Ivy jumped off the counter and fumbled to button her shirt again. He must have had a fight with Katniss, that in combination with his alcohol, clearly blinded him to a pretty obvious situation.

"Damn it boy, shouldn't your adolescent hormones out weight your pride and force you to seek her out!" He shouted as he stormed in. He stopped the moment he saw Ivy tucking at her hair. She smiled at him raising her eyebrows, acting surprised by his crassness. "oh, it's you."

"Hello" she said with a smile.

Haymitch eyed her curiously "You're here a lot aren't you?" I'm about to interject when Ivy beats me to it.

"I'm sorry, I didn't know there was a limitation to how often we can see Peeta." I'm impressed by how quick she is, she says we ,in reference to our pack of friends as if we are one unit, instead of I. Ultimately, avoiding being singled out. I smile to myself.

"I need to talk to Peeta alone… official business. So - I'm going to completely overstep my boundaries and ask you to leave his home?"

"Haymitch…" I protest but Ivy interrupts us.

"No, no. Don't bother Peeta. I just wanted to see how you were doing. You're fine, I'm going." She walks out without looking at us, as if she was indifferent, never mind that she was ready to rip my clothes off just a minute ago. I look over at Haymitch.

"I know why you're here. And you know that I'm the one that carried our relationship in the arena. If she wants to continue this charade she's going to need to show me that she gives a damn." I say defensively.

"That she gives a damn about you or the charade?" He replies, and I actually don't know what to say. He gives me a second to answer, when I don't he continues. "Because if you want her to care about you, well you are playing a dangerous game. If she doesn't care about you the way you would like her to, you are willing to just stand on a stage and tell all of Panem what exactly? That you lied. That has only one nasty outcome for you and everyone that you care about. This is bigger than the two of you. I get that, it's unfair, but you are also alive and that has to be your priority."

"I can't believe you are taking her side." I protest.

"So she isn't in love with you the way you are with her. Tough! She cares about you, and that is a lot more than you had before you went in. You are the one punishing her by avoiding her because your feelings are hurt. Peeta, you are a smart sensible boy – please look at the big picture! Please try, you two need to come to at least an understanding. Your lives are on the line." His voice softens when he sees the look on my face, which is in total agreement with what he is saying. Only it's a lot easier to talk about it than it is to talk to her.

"Haymitch I tried, I've been baking bread for her family. Prim told me she liked the cheese buns I made once and now I can't seem to stop making them for her. I take them to the house, I know she's eating them, and that's as much communication and connection I have with her. It's pathetic. The other day, I made up my mind that I would talk to her. I was walking towards her house, bright and early and she opened the door. She was on her way out. I felt bold, and then she looked at me as if I were a wounded animal." Haymitch winces when I say this. "I felt furious and I turned around, and now I feel like I'm back at step one." Haymitch looks at me sympathetically. "So you see – pride can beat out hormones. Sorry." He looks disappointed at my response, so I continue "But I will try and not because of hormones – but because I know our lives depend on it."

Haymitch nods at me and he seems satisfied with my answer. "Speaking of hormones" he says "that red head comes around too often."

I tense up but quickly recover. Without getting defensive I casually respond "no more than my other friends." I say casually, as if I don't understand the concern. I've made sure that I keep a varied stream of friends coming to the house, that way Nathan, Silas, Delly, Ivy, and even Madge don't stand out.

"Your other friends don't' look like her" I'm surprised he's saying this to me but before I can say anything he continues "I was your age once and you're still filled with hormones. I don't want them winning out on anyone else who isn't Katniss." I tense up at this remark and he notices.

"This can't take over my life Haymitch, whether it's Ivy or some other girl, what do you expect I do with myself." I protest.

Haymitch looks surprised at my response and I'm being very honest. "I'm saying this to you as your mentor and so that you start coping with this, but this star-crossed lover saga, may have to go on forever." My eyes widen at the thought, because I had been wondering if I could work in a break up, perhaps after a year. After all Katniss and I are still young. I'm suddenly enraged and I grab the bowl on my counter and smash it against a wall. Before I know it, Haymitch is dragging me out into my backyard and he's walking me towards a pond that sits a few yards away from my backyard. "What is it?"

"What is it?!" I reply in disbelief. "Did you not hear what you said, I'm sorry but it's a lot to process."

"Peeta, your are very perceptive, I can't imagine that you hadn't thought of this yourself."

Of course he's right, so I also confess what is bothering me. "it bothers me that you are implying , this situation will dictate all aspects of my personal life, including my sex life." I pause. "You are telling me Snow and the Capitol have a say over that!" I'm furious.

Haymitch looks surprised. "I'm sorry do you have a sex life at the moment?" he looks concerned. Clearly because he's worried over how this is going to affect the Victors' love story.

I'm not about to tell him about me and Ivy so I lie. "Not now. But I used to." Haymitch laughs and I roll my eyes and start kicking the ground around me. "I'm serious Haymitch. Don't laugh. Sex is one of the few pleasures we can all have here, and since I came back I can't approach it because I have to obsess over my non-existent relationship with the girl I'm in love with."

It feels good to be honest, at least to a certain degree. Sex is the only way we get to express ourselves in District 12, I can't imagine that being different anywhere else in Panem. It's no secret that people start having sex early in life around here. I personally had sex for the first time when I was thirteen, and no I was not too young. If we are old enough to get thrown into an arena to kill or be killed, sex is by far the healthier option of the two. When I was fifteen there was a venereal disease spreading around. The Capitol had to send out a doctor to vaccinate everyone against it, in addition to treating it. She was a tall freakish looking woman with tinted red skin and terrible tattoos on her face. Hell she looked like a venereal disease herself. She had the gull to lecture our class about how we were too young to be engaging in sexual activities. I remember looking around the room and every single person was fuming hearing these words. The sentiment was unanimous and we wanted to shout it out, _but we're not too young to die for your entertainment_. I remember looking at Katniss and she was looking out the window, without a doubt just as furious as the rest of us. I remember thinking, if merchant kids struggle and sex is the only free pleasure we can have, imagine what it means to kids from the Seam, like Katniss. She literally has nothing else. I found myself thinking about Katniss's sex life and thinking how much she relies on basic human instincts to survive and how little she must have in her life, sex must be a necessity for her. I felt even more mad when I put myself in her shoes.

Haymitch just laughs at me. "Ok, ok. The red head is definitely not allowed to come over"

I smirk "What about Delly?" He starts to walk away laughing and I follow him. "Madge?" I continue, I don't know why this moment turned humorous but I guess it's better than staying mad at a situation that is out of our control.

"I feel for you, I do." He says, and he turns around and puts his hands on my shoulder. "how about you try to make peace with sweetheart next door first and see what you can get out that situation" He starts to laugh hysterically at this and he walks away.

I sit on the cold ground. I'm taken by the serene site of the pond. My yard descends into a slope where the pond lays. Sitting down along the slope hides me from the street view. I look out at the water and take in the sun set. Winter is starting to set in. I turn to see across the pond and I see Thresh standing there looking at me. Before I know it, I'm rushing to stand and run away. My prosthetic leg falters and I hit the ground hard. I panic because I feel like he can reach me any second. I stop to look back to see where he is and there's no one there. I'm suddenly hyperventilating and I sink into a panic attack. The freezing cold snaps me out of it, and it's now pitch dark outside. How long have I been out here? I'm terrified because part of me still believes that they might be out there, the other tributes or the mutts. I stand up and rush back to my house fearing that something or someone will grab me from behind. I slam the door behind me and lock it. I run to the front door and lock it too. I rush upstairs and jump in my bed, terrified. When I convince myself that it was not real, that I am safe, I beg for sleep to come because at that moment, being awake is the nightmare. But sleep doesn't come. As luck would have it, I'm accompanied by Katniss's screams down the street. Tears start to flow because I want to hold her so badly. It's moments like these, the terrible dark painful moments that I know, not all of my friends combined, not Ivy, will ever comprehend what I'm going through. And it's not that they won't try. They do. But I don't need people to try. You either get it or you don't. Without a doubt my only aid is Katniss, and I hers. But we are so far away from each other. I have to put a stop to it, I feel ashamed because the only thing keeping us apart are my hurt feelings and my pride, and in the grand scheme of things they really don't matter. She saved us. Nothing more matters. I have to reach out because if I don't we won't make it.


	6. Chapter 6

Katniss POV

The Victory Tour is now two weeks away and I've accomplished nothing. I haven't tried to figure out what to do with myself, mend my relationship with Gale. Just the thought of him and my chest feels uncomfortably tight. Then there is Peeta. The thought of him makes my whole body relive the wounds from the arena, only intensified by one hundred. There is even longing for him. Especially at night in the middle of my nightmares my mind and body call for him in hopes of finding the sense of safety he offered me in the cave, in the middle of an arena, where we were to kill or be killed. It's a bitter sweet feeling and I can't make heads or tails of it because there's more to that longing that is beyond my comprehension. I only know that I have no room for it, I didn't before much less now. But now, the Capitol and Snow want it all from us. I snap back to my reality and look around the breakfast table. My mother and Prim are no longer there. When did they finish eating? When did they leave? How long have I been here? I'm a mess.

I've been too happy to shut everyone out and the seclusion of Victor's Village has enabled my solitary lifestyle. If it weren't for Prim and my determination to help Gale's family, I would have no human interactions. I look out the kitchen window and I see Haymitch stumbling his way over. I roll my eyes, I don't want to hear it again. He tries to open the door but it's locked so he looks at me through the window. I stare at him, scowling no less. He glares back at me.

"Open up sweetheart. We must talk." He demands already sounding exacerbated.

I reluctantly get up and unhappily open the door and immediately turn my back to him.

"Good morning to you too sweetheart." He says.

I slump down in my chair, and I know I'm acting like a petulant child but I don't care.

"What is it now? Something new or same old?" I ask.

"Have you talked to the boy?" I nod no. "Well then, I guess it's the same old." I roll my eyes at him again. "No, screw you Katniss. You have to make the first move. You don't have to resolve your feelings for each other, frankly I could care less about that. I just need you to get on the same page and agree that you two need to work together to save your lives. Lives are at stake here sweetheart, and it's not just yours."

My scowl evaporates from my face and I look at him with real concern because I'm paying attention now. This isn't new, but with the Victory Tour two weeks away, I can't ignore it anymore, I can't be so cowardly or selfish. I still have Prim to think about.

"Haaa – there it is!" he exclaims. "I know you know this, you are the practical one, forget about the hurt feelings. I know you care about him, and if you have to push him over his pride, because that's the problem, then you need to push the subject."

"I have feelings too." I say pathetically. I'm so tire of him treating me like I'm a heartless creature. He's surprised to hear me say this.

"You want to tell me about it?" He asks but I stay quiet. "I can't help you if you don't give me anything. If you need to sort out your feelings, I am actually the perfect person to confide in." And I can't help but laugh because he's absolutely right. God I'm pathetic. I've been looking at the line of friends streaming into Peeta's house, all people I imagine he's confiding in I'm sure and I think about how well he's doing. Of course, his life is going on, no doubt with a broken heart and the weight of the arena over him but he's trying. I grab some of the bread he's been bringing in daily and smile at it. Haymitch eyes me closely. "Tell me about it."

"I don't know how I feel. I can't give him what he wants, I'm incapable of that. I always have been. You have no idea how much he means to me… But not like that. He saved me, I saved him, we've had this unspoken connection, a bond. I silent one. He's just always been there, if I'm honest with myself."

Haymitch stares at the bread. "What else you got" he says after I stay silent.

I look at him. "Just that, but I don't expect you to understand how much that is."

He nods. "I think I do. But what is most important is that you understand how much that means. If you don't love him back, it really is secondary when you think about the fact that you two may very likely lose your lives if you don't reach out to him. You two are a team, you survived against all odds using nothing but your wits. You're not done yet. You have one huge thing in common; you two care about each other. Build on that." He pats my shoulder and stands up and walks away.

I sit there and I realize that maybe I have to accept that Peeta means something to me and then move from there. What does he mean to me? Yes it's true, we never said a word to each other before the Games but I was watching him over the years. I know I would look at him while he wasn't looking, just like I knew he would look at me when I wasn't looking. How surprised was I by his confession, I wasn't really. I felt more relieved than anything, a suspicion that had been tucking at me over the years confirmed. Terrible timing for sure, not that it would have made a difference. I can recall a handful of moments where we shared a look, that made my stomach sink. Once Madge convinced me to go to a wrestling tournament. I couldn't picture Peeta wrestling, he was always so kind. I smile at the thought, but it quickly disappears when I think that the boy that I couldn't picture wrestle was thrown into a death trap. The boy that painted delicate flowers on cakes and cupcakes was forced to kill innocent children. I shudder at the thought and I feel my body break into chills.

"Peeta" I say out loud. I remember the time Madge dragged me to the wrestling tournament when we were fifteen, I only agreed to accompany her because it was her birthday. I actually enjoyed myself and I felt swept up in the excitement. We sat there and Peeta was called up to the mat. He won the match and then he won his next match, then the next, and the next, until he won first place in his weight class. I was stunned, I did not expect mile mannered, polite Peeta to win at a physical challenge because well when would it ever come up. When would someone like him ever fight? I remember smiling as I looked at him celebrate with his brothers, his friends, and suddenly our eyes met from afar. Then some girl ran up to him and snuck him a kiss on the lips. He looked completely surprised. Then I remembered that I had been having a good time and I should be checking in on Prim and mom at home. I turned to Madge and told her I had to leave.

I also remember agreeing to go to a New Year's celebration in town with Gale a few years ago. I only agreed because Prim wanted to go so badly. I enjoyed watching her play and interact with her friends from school. She is so unlike me, so social and likeable, and friendly. I was even having a good time with Gale. Then I saw Prim run towards the Bakery stand, where Peeta was working along with his brothers and father. Then I saw Peeta step away, it was my opportunity to pull her away from there but Peeta had come back too soon. He started to chat Prim up, and he quickly tore through her initial shyness. She was beaming within seconds. I watched him closely and saw how he showed her how to decorate the sugar cookies. She looked completely dazzled by him. I smiled at her. She then turned around and ran towards me. I suddenly felt frozen and I glanced at Peeta, his eyes followed her and then his eyes met mine. I remember feeling a jolt when our eyes met. Prim crashed into my body wrapping her arms around my waist and looking up at me. She told me that there was a raffle at the bakery, and that if we bought a ticket, we could potentially win 2 pounds worth of sugar cookies. I immediately nodded no, that we couldn't waste money like that. Gale went on to explain how raffles like that was really an extortion. I glared at him. I looked back up at Peeta and as our eyes met, but then another girl ran up to him and turned him towards her and she kissed him on the mouth, shocking me. I looked at Prim and insisted no. So imagine my surprise when Prim's name was called in the raffle later on in the night. I was furious, she must have spent the money she made from her goat's cheese. I was ready to lecture her but her screaming excitement and jumping up and down was overwhelming. It was her money and her decision. I wasn't going to bring down her triumph. So I didn't question it or bring it up again. She ran up to the baker's stand and accepted the bag of cookies. Peeta was beaming and he gave her a high five.

I force myself to think about the difficult moment. I refer to it as the difficult moment because aside from my father's death, this is the only moment that made me look at myself and made me see the kind of life I was leading. And yes that moment is linked to Peeta. I don't like to think about it much because it's very difficult. I was in seventh grade and I got in trouble for not doing a project. I explained to the teacher that I was really busy taking care of Prim who had a bad case of chicken pox. I didn't do homework for a week. The teacher then said that if I didn't want to fall back I would have to participate in the school's annual festival for extra credit. At that time, participating at such a social gathering was the absolute worst thing that could happen to me. I told him I had no project or talent to showcase. To my surprise he pointed out to me that I had a lovely voice. I looked horrified. I used to enjoy singing but singing reminded me too much of my father and it was too much for me to bare. I begged the teacher to come up with an alternative, extra homework, I even cried. He said no. I had to stay after school to go over music and pick a song to sing at the festival. I felt mortified. As I looked through the songs, I was taken by the words of an old song. I took the sheet home with me to learn the words and I felt completely taken by them. The song is called On My Own, the teacher told me that it was part of a very old musical that was based on a book called Les Miserables, which means The Miserable. Of course, I was intrigued.

The song revolves around a young girl singing how she feels about her life and how it fares in comparison to the young man that she loves. The verse

Without me, his world would go on turning.

A world that's full of happiness that I have never known!

I love him, I love him, I love him.

But only on my own.

This verse was haunting. I connected to how lonely this girl was. The next day I asked my teacher about the story, and he proceeded to hand me the entire booklet of music. I went home and stayed up all night reading the verses to this musical. Two things crossed my mind; first how did this piece of music make its way to any of Panem's districts, it certainly was rebellious, how was it not censored. Two, why was it that I connected so much to this character? There was something hauntingly beautiful about this character. It made me think of my life, of how I have felt without my father, how much Prim has suffered and endured. I suddenly saw myself looking through Peeta's garbage desperately looking for food. How he handed me the bread that gave me hope. I remembered hearing his mother beating him as I ran away from his home. Then I realized how Peeta often had marks on his face or body. It was no coincidence that he would sometimes wear long sleeve shirts during warm weather. I thought about that girl that was forced to prostitute by her father, the starving children in the seam, Gale and I forced to break the law and risk our lives just to put food on the table at the young age of eleven and thirteen. I felt the weight of that darkness we live in every day. Then I remembered thinking of Peeta, and how his head is always held high, how he smiles, how he laughs, how he takes people in, how easily he befriends people, his compassion, his kindness. There was always something promising beaming from him. It's why people flock to him, perhaps in hopes of catching some of that light in our heavy coal dusted world. There's always a light to him, no matter how bad things get, even in the arena. I remember that the day of the performance, as I sang the song, I couldn't stop thinking of our misery, and just how amazing it is when people like Peeta can keep going and somehow create happiness in this hopeless world. I had to think of me and Peeta, and how my life could have ended that cold evening, and life would have kept going. I understood that my outlook on life was making me pass up on happiness, even though I don't really know what happiness is, I won't give it an opportunity to come in my life. It wasn't until I finished the song that I felt the tears on my face. No one in the audience clapped, they just stared at me. Then I felt the spot light waver away from me. It was at that moment that I looked up and realized Peeta was working the spot light. I had no idea he had been holding the spot light on me. All I could do was run off stage, out of the building, and straight back home. I knew people hadn't clapped from the power of the song and that my interpretation gave the song justice. I'm glad people thought I ran out of embarrassment when in reality I was overwhelmed by the feeling the song gave me in connection to my life in District 12 and how it resonated with the silent bond I felt to Peeta.

I don't love him, I know that. I'm too far gone in my darkness to have room for that love with anybody in my life, but it doesn't mean I don't feel moved by him. I respect him and I would at the very least like to be his friend. I feel my chest warm at the thought. It makes me smile. I'm only nervous that he will either want all or nothing.


	7. Chapter 7

CH 7

The day of the tour arrives and I have failed to approach Katniss. Getting to the point of wanting to approach her took approximately six months. Last night I had worked up the guts to walk to her house and ask to talk to her. Considering the tour was the next day, I figured that would help jump start the conversation about our plan of action and… I don't know what. But, the gang showed up to wish me luck. Ivy, of course demanded a private audience and how could I resist. After we made love we have our usual easy conversations. We lay in bed naked, holding each other, joking, talking, touching each other, teasing each other with kisses. She mostly asked me about the tour and if I know what that will look like. I honestly don't. I told her that things are going to change after this tour, that I will not be able to shut Katniss out like before.

Her response was "can't things just return to how they are now?"

That is, I go back to avoiding Katniss and shielding myself from her. I don't have the heart to tell Ivy that I need Katniss too much. So instead I told her that Katniss and I need to be friends to pull this off. The more we collaborate now, then perhaps we can get out of this situation faster. She smiles hopefully at me. I don't blame her. Prior to the games, I think everyone assumed we would marry. The people in District 12 usually marry within a year after finishing school. If Katniss and I have to hold up this façade for another year, it could get in the way of Ivy's plans. It's not that I'm against it, hell, Ivy and I were beginning to talk about it. But now everything has changed. Since being back, I haven't discussed marriage with her once. It's not just because of my feelings for Katniss but also because I am trying to protect her by hiding her from Snow.

The next day I'm replaying the scene in my head as I walk towards Haymitch's house. I open the door and hear Haymitch's angered voice. Then I freeze at the sound of her voice.

"… Then you should have asked Peeta." Says Katniss.

"Ask me what?" I'm stunned by the ease of my voice. Haymitch looks at me surprised. I approach Haymitch's table and stand across from Katniss. Our eyes meet and her gray eyes tremble a little, but she recovers. Haymitch mumbled something but I can only hear buzzing in my ears, I'm more nervous than I lead on. I pull away from her gaze and I look at Haymitch, reach for his knife to clean it and proceed to cut up bread for him. Haymitch takes it from my hand as he slowly eyes me and Katniss, curiously looking between us. I politely offer her a slice of bread but she politely declines since she's already eaten. My ears are buzzing again and my stomach is full of butterflies, I finally understand the expression. Haymitch mumbles something else again and Katniss retorts something, but I can't hear it I'm so nervous. And for some reason she exits through the kitchen window.

"How appropriate." I mutter.

"What?" asks Haymitch.

"Did you see that?" I point at the window. "She can't even walk near me, she literally escaped from here." I say indignantly.

"Your fault" Haymitch says simply as he stuffs his mouth with bread. "You just better put on a hell of show when the cameras get here or we're all dead." I turn to leave feeling frazzled and he shouts out to me "Don't say I didn't warn you!"

When I walk into my house, I feel jittery and I can't stop pacing. Everything is prepared on my end. I packed up the paintings that will be going with me as instructed. Now, I wait for Portia. I decide to have some of the tea Mrs. Everdeen recommended for stress. It does help me sleep and I could use a nap. I lay down on the sofa and close my eyes and try to breathe. It works. I'm woken up by my bright colored prep team, which makes me scream because for a moment I thought they were mutts. They scream in return and assault me with hugs and kisses. It's show time.

The team prepares a bath for me, which surprisingly calms me. One of Portia's assistants, Mik, offers me a glass of champagne, and I take it eagerly. A little something for the nerves won't hurt. Mik winks at me as he notices a hickey on my chest.

"Sorry about that… I hadn't noticed it before" I say. _Shit, shit, shit_. I say to myself.

"Nothing to be sorry for, perfectly natural." He smiles at me.

After, Portia comes to see me and congratulates me over my paintings. She thinks I'm truly talented and she actually has tears in her eyes covering up the sorrow my paintings illustrate. I like Portia. Next thing I know Portia is walking me towards my front door telling me it's show time.

"What am I supposed to do?" I ask confused and completely unprepared.

"There are cameras and you will be on live television. You will see Katniss of course, and then be reunited with all of us on tv. Be yourself and you'll be golden." She says simply.

I take a deep breath and tell myself that it's easy enough. Suddenly someone opens my front door and I'm pushed outside and that's when I see her. This is the third time in the last six months that our eyes meet. For a second that pity filled look is there, which infuriates me for a second, just a second because I push it down. I close my eyes for a second and allow myself to take a deep breath. When I open my eyes, Katniss's face has transformed. She has a beaming smile, it's so overwhelming that she genuinely pulls a smile from me. Then she's running towards me and I'm unprepared for her when she jumps into my arms. She's so petite that she can easily hang herself on my body. I lose my balance because of my prosthetic leg and we both crash into the ground. Thankfully, the slamming jolt wakes me up and somehow focuses me. I even allow myself to laugh a little. I pick the back of my head off the cold ground and there she is. Her face just a breath away. I am genuinely taken by her ethereal gray eyes. I see a trace of nerves in them but she goes for it, she crashes her lips into mine, with them her hair, her fur, her teeth. She's nervous. I realize that I have to fix this and suddenly I feel protective of her. I move my hands to the outlines of her delicate jaw, cradling her face gently. I pull her face back. Katniss opens her eyes slowly. With one hand I brush the lose strands of hair away from her lips. I keep staring at them, has it really been six months since I last kissed them. I pull her face towards me again and kiss her softly. I gently massage them with my lips, and I can feel her body relax. Then I softly place a peck on each lip. Then I pull away, and try hard to focus. I give her a reassuring smile, and I swear I can see tears starting to pool on her eyes, so as we sit back up I surprise her with a quick kiss to distract what ever sad thought has clouded her thoughts. She smiles and knows to recover. She takes my hand and squeezes it for dear life and I let her.

I say farewell to my family and Katniss hugs her mother and sister. Our drive to the train station is quiet, thankfully it's a quick ride. I avoid Haymitch's glare, I know it's due to our silence again. I know that if he could he would throw dagger at me with his eyes. I look at Katniss and she's avoiding his eyes by staring out the window. This suits me, kissing her again is all I can handle for today. I stare back at Haymitch coolly. When we pull into the train station, I get out of the car, hold the door open, and lean back in to offer Katniss my hand to help her out of the car like a gentleman. Yes, there are cameras waiting. I flash Haymitch a large smile. Katniss quickly plasters a smile on her face. We wave goodbye to the people standing at the station, I wonder how they got a crowd to stand there. The whole thing suddenly feels very ridiculous. Effie pulls us into the train carts and slams the door shut. With that the cameras are gone. I clumsily slam into Katniss, and we stare at each other. I apologize and she smiles. Effie and the prep teams seem too distracted to notice our obvious distance. They don't even look suspicious when I announce that I'm not feeling well and will be taking my dinner in my room. I meet Katniss's eyes before turning and walking away. I'm emotionally exhausted.

Once I'm in my room and in my pajamas, I reassess my day. I make sure my parents are ok. I go over my conversation with the gang, and I make sure none of the peacekeepers have seen anything compromising between me and Ivy. Once I feel confident about their safety I put the thoughts away. Next, Katniss, I'll focus on that tomorrow. She now has me all to herself. I fall asleep where my victims, mutts, and a mutilated Katniss wait for me.

The next morning I join the breakfast table and Haymitch is uncomfortably quiet, he doesn't even touch his flask. Katniss is extra surly and moody. I attempt to mask their mood by keeping a light conversation with Effie. She's obsessing over the schedule when the train has an equipment problem and we have to stop. Suddenly Katniss explodes. I'm startled, and because neither Haymitch or I support her outburst, she storms off. Haymitch gives me a concerned look. I know what he means, Katniss is actually a bigger lose canon than him. I nod, and my time is up, I have to fix this now. I finish swallowing my food. Toss my napkin on the table and excuse myself. I sympathetically look at Effie and tell her that I'll talk to her. I follow in the direction she stormed off and I ask one of the attendants if she's in her room. She points at the open doors on the train and tells me she wanted fresh air. I lean my head out to see her and she has walked back past the train and sits on the grass. I take a deep breath and jump off. I walk towards her and as I get closer she hears my footsteps.

"I'm not in the mood for a lecture Haymitch." She protests without looking behind her.

"Well then how about a chat with me." I respond. She's startled by my voice and she looks behind her to confirm that it's really me. I sit next to her. "I know." Is all I can say to her. Our eyes meet, and she takes a deep breath. She looks exhausted. I proceed to apologize for my behavior and she looks more than surprised. She apologizes too, but I insist that she has nothing to be sorry for. As much as I hate this logic, it's ultimately true. She had the opportunity to win the games and save her fellow District tribute along with her, she did whatever was necessary to do so. It's not her fault I'm completely in love with her. I should have handled the reality of that situation a lot better. I let my ego and pride shut her out, when all she did was save our lives. Saying it aloud to her finally makes me feel the truth of it all, and I feel ashamed of my behavior. Her demeanor is modest, which I appreciate.

"I don't know what to say" she responds. "I never know what to say."

"I think we need to be on the same page, and the best shot we have at that is if we start to be friends." She smiles enthusiastically at me.

"I would like that. After what we've been through… we have to." I smile at her in response.

So I ask her what's wrong. She doesn't respond. She looks tense. I remembered feeling her body in my arms the evening before, and how tight her entire body felt, she was even trembling. I was tense too, but I have a nagging feeling that something else is wrong. I figure she's still uncomfortable around me.

So I say "It's amazing that I know we'll risk our lives to save each other but I don't even know your favorite color." She smiles at me.

"Green." She says.

I smile and respond "I honestly think it would have been my first guess." She smiles again.

"What's yours?" she asks.

"Orange."

"Orange" she sounds surprised, which makes me laugh because clearly it wouldn't have been her first guess. She really knows nothing about me aside from my feelings for her. "Like Effies hair?" she asks in disbelief.

I laugh "no, no. More muted, like a sunset." She stares at me then looks out into the distance picturing it and she smiles softly.

"Yeah… that makes more sense." I smile at her thought, is she trying to put me together in her mind, what makes sense and what doesn't.

I stand up and offer my hand. "Come on, lets get back in there." She reaches up and holds my hand then interlocks her fingers with mine. It's amazing how such simple contact sends electricity through my body. It's not her fault, this is all me and somehow I'm going to have to work around the effect she has on me. She breaks my stream of thoughts "I haven't seen your paintings. I would love to see them." She requests.

I'm startled by her request because all I ever wanted was to shield her from the arena and showing her my paintings would go against that. Regardless I comply. After she apologizes to Effie, we head towards the compartment holding my paintings. Haymitch looks at us approvingly when he sees us walk in holding hands.

She looks stunned as she looks at my paintings, horrified really. She often brings her hand to her mouth staring in disbelief. She walks to the portraits of herself.

"How do you remember everything so exactly?" she asks in disbelief.

"I see these images every night." I respond sadly.

She turns to stare at me. "You get them too – the nightmares."

I nod "Yes." I pause. "And so I paint them. Perhaps if I paint them they're no longer inside of me." I laugh at my rationale. "But it hasn't worked."

She stares at me "I don't know how you do this, I spend every second running away from these images, and here they are, permanent fixtures." She looks at them again.

I laugh "so you hate them?"

She looks to me and laughs "Yes! Yes I hate them. But they are extraordinary." She turns her back to them not wanting to look at them. "You're very talented."

We stare at each other in an unexpected comfortable silence. It occurs to me that somehow we are in our element. Back in this game, on this train, looking out for each other and this is where we started. It's probably why I was able to move past all the barriers I had put between us back in twelve the moment I stepped on board. Whether it was my friends, my family, Gale, Ivy, her unrequited feelings towards me, whatever it was. It's clear as day that her and I need have each other's backs. I suddenly start to feel hopeful, that perhaps we won't have to carry on this star-crossed lovers facade for long. I want to talk to her about it, come up with a plan. If we're on the same page I'm sure Haymitch will help us. How long will it take for the Capitol to get bored of us, perhaps they'll even crave a dramatic break-up. I feel optimistic for the first time in a long time. My thoughts and whatever she's thinking about is interrupted by the site of District 11. We move in unison towards the windows and see the vastness of it. District 11 also has a wall, but it's not the faulty weak wires that allow Katniss to poach in the forest. This is solid brick topped off by watchtowers and machine guns. I feel like I'm going to be under attack any second as if they are pointed at me.

After District 11 Ceremony.

I storm into my cart and I'm still reeling with anger! I start to break things, throw things. My mind keeps racing to my family, to my friends, to Ivy. I'm running out of things to throw and come across a portrait I have of Katniss lying around my room. I destroy it and tear it to pieces. I still feel angry. I'm about to punch a mirror when I see the reflection and I suddenly realize that I am as mad at myself as I am at Katniss. The danger that I've feared for all my loved ones and naively believed was far away from them is finally looking right at me. I feel like I'm about to start hyperventilating and I start to doubt every action I've taken in District 12. I start to question Madge, are there really no cameras in my home, did I find all the listening devices, or ears as I call them. I think about all the times I've made love to Ivy. I feel like I'm going to be sick. I'm trying to catch my breath and a sob escapes me, but there aren't tears, this is blind rage. I grab a pillow and stuff as much as I can into my mouth and I begin to scream. This will be the only opportunity I have to fall apart for the rest of the trip and I'm going to allow it.

After, as I'm lying on my floor thinking about Snow's meeting with Katniss, I start to rationalize a little bit more. He didn't come see me, he didn't confront me about my relationships, he didn't come to show me footage of me and Ivy. I finally feel certain that he has no clue. I didn't need to convince anyone. I'm in love with Katniss, that's true. I've been an open book. If he wants to hurt me, he knows my weakness, Katniss. But if he wants to hurt Katniss, of course he'll go after her real life lover. And now, he knows for sure because she wasn't careful. But he knows nothing about me, he doesn't care. He's completely preoccupied by Katniss. He has no idea of all my secret players. For some reason the thought of this makes me feel a little high, defiant, and triumphant. It's like a chess game. Only, he thinks his only opponent is Katniss and I'm one of her pieces. He has no idea that I am playing my own game and I have my own court to oversee, he is completely underestimating me. They all are, Snow, Haymitch, and Katniss. Regardless, I'll have to change things when I get back to District 12, provided we make it back to District 12. I sit up and look around the room. I clean up and put everything back in its place. I throw out Katniss's destroyed portrait. I jump in the shower and wait for my prep team. There is a knock at the door and I say come in.

It's Haymitch. "Hello." he says simply. I glare at him and I stay seated. He walks in and sits down on my bed. "Good. Be mad at me. It's my fault. Katniss wanted to tell you but I told her not to." I wince at this. He continues "I mean it, I will not make that mistake again."

I interrupt him "what mistake is that Haymitch?"he looks at me without saying anything. "Why don't you figure that out first then apologize." He looks at me a little startled. I continue, "I am going to demand that you never disrespect me like that again. I mean it Haymitch, if I put people's lives at risk like I did with Rue and Thresh's families again, because you and Katniss decide to leave me out of the loop, I will never forgive you." He winces at my words. "You can leave now." He nods, stands, and walks away. Portia and my prep team suddenly appear at the door, I stand up.

"I'm ready" I instruct them. Haymitch looks at me one last time before walking out and closing the door behind him.

The prep team finishes dressing me and we move towards the car. I see Katniss and I stare at her coldly. She shrinks a little. The moment I see a camera, I plaster a disguising smile on my face and shoot her a flirtatious wink. I hear the cameras snap. She looks stunned by my ability to switch on and off. She can't do this without me, she should know that. I hold the car door for her and I join her inside. We stare silently at each other, and I look away. Once we arrive back to the Justice Building, no doubt, any signs of a blood bath are gone. Oddly I feel nothing. We step out, and Effie is giving us instructions, walking instructions, it's all so absurd.

District 11 Victory Dinner

As we wait for Effie to instruct us to walk, I feel Katniss grab my hand. I turn to look at her.

"Peeta, I'm so sorry. I should have told you, regardless of what Haymitch said. I should have… I should have followed my instincts." She pleads in a low whisper. I nod in agreement, and look forward to see where Effie is. She continues and I turn to her" If we are going to beat this, this thing against us, we have to be on the same page. We're friends now and I should have told you when you reached out to me."

I look back at her, and I stun myself when my only response to her is "Was that really the only time something happened with Gale since coming back from the Games?"

She looks shocked and she immediately responds "Yes." I have to look away because I'm actually embarrassed that I asked this. Then she says. "I guess there is no reason for us to keep anything from each other, is there."

I say no. But I can't hold her gaze, because I feel my hypocrisy. I have a personal life, with plans for my future that I have been shielding from everyone out of fear.

Effie finally signals us to start moving. But the whole dinner I'm thinking about what Katniss has just agreed to. To disclose everything since we are so intertwined and frankly I believe her. I can see it in her eyes. I start to feel more guilt, as the night continues, we laugh and talk to people. We cuddle and talk about nonsense. She leans into me so that I can kiss her. I keep her hand in mine. I throw my arm around her and caress her shoulder as people talk to us. I'm surprised by how we both fall into this scheme, and how well we're doing actually. Even when no one is approaching us, Katniss leans into me as we sit so that I can hold her tighter. It's a strange sensation, how natural it feels. As if we've been doing this for years. I lean down and whisper in her ear and I smile because I notice that the feel of my breath gives her goose bumps and she holds on to me tighter. "Are you okay?" I ask her.

She looks up at me "as good as I can be." I start to pull away from her but she grasps my arms and keeps them where they are. "Don't. not yet." She looks around her and she whispers in my ear "I don't want to be here anymore, I want to leave District 11." I look into her eyes and I can see tears pooling in them. I realize how draining this day must have been for her, the death of that man, I shudder to think what happened to Thresh and Rue's family, all while having Snow's threats hanging on her shoulders. I start to feel guilty over how I lashed out at her. I brush my hand through her hair as she's in my arms, and she presses her cheek into my hand. I lean down and give her a genuine kiss, as a gesture of my apology. "I'm sorry I lashed out at you." She's about to interrupt, to excuse me I'm sure but I interject. "I know, I had a right and I was right. But I'm sorry that I hadn't thought of where you were coming from." I pause and stare at her eyes as she looks more at ease. "I'm sorry and I'm on your side. I press my face to hers."

"we're on the same side" She smiles at me and I smile back. I look up and see Haymitch staring at us.

"Check out Haymitch, he was ready to kill us himself if we didn't start talking." She laughs and looks at his direction. He shoots us a quizzical look and she blows him a kiss. I start to laugh. We hold on to each other's hand for the rest of the night, back to the car, back to the train, and back to the door of her train compartment. She hugs me and thanks me and I'm not sure why. I walk back to my room and feel the guilt that was eating at me all night. I'm trying to will myself to believe that I should tell Katniss about my affair with Ivy. But I can't get the picture of that man being executed out of my head. I know that I will always choose Katniss, but I cannot sentence Ivy to death by outing our relationship.


	8. Chapter 8

As the Victory Tour continues, by the time we make it to District 8, I can see that Snow is either desperate or completely out of his mind. The uprisings that have been happening are unstoppable. No amount of holding Katniss, professing my undying love for her, or kissing her is going to change the discontent. Hell, even if I were to make love to her on the stage of all the Districts' Justice Buildings in front of everyone, it won't change what is brewing. If anything, it must be infuriating that they have to cater to this nonsense. One thing is for sure, they go wild when they see Katniss. If anything seeing us only reminds them of the berries, the berries that broke the camel's back. Even if Katniss was madly in love with me, these people are ready to see what they want to see. It was always a matter of time, and I always knew that.

I also think of another reality. Katniss completely eclipses me. I now know that Katniss is impulsive, she acts without thinking. Why did she pull those berries? She doesn't know, I'm certain of that. I am starting to believe that pride had more to do with it than taking a stance against the Capitol. That doesn't mean she isn't intelligent, bold, brave, brazen, and defiant. That's her whole life, which is why everything about her is clandestine. Her actions are matter of survival, desperation even. Then you add just how beautiful and captivating she is, the Capitol and even Snow, can't look past her. These facts have made them all completely overlook my defiance. After she volunteered for the Games, and they reaped me, I refused to play the game by their terms. For one, I had no intention of winning. I was there to help another person. That selflessness, that suicide mission really, completely defied what they wanted out of all of us. I didn't give them a blood sport, I showed them sacrifice, compassion, and love. Before the berries, I tried to kill myself because they wanted one winner, and I was not about to give them what they wanted. I was not going to attempt to hurt a single strand of hair on her head. I am increasingly convinced that they are not paying attention to me and my friends are safe, Ivy is safe. I'm the one that's really in danger because of my connection to Katniss. I feel comforted but I know I cannot get too confident and I will have to make changes. I make a decision, I have to end my affair with Ivy, this can put all of my friends in danger.

Part of me still hopes that this can all blow over and Katniss and I can be left alone to lead whatever life we want but as we continue on through the districts you can barely move from the tension hanging in the air. Katniss is desperate and Snow's threats are taking a toll on her. She's losing weight, which is worrisome considering how small she is already, her eyes are tired, there are growing dark circles under her eyes, and I can hear the frequency of her nightmares increasing. One night, I can't take it anymore, her screams sound like she's not even human. Nothing is helping her, not the medications, the teas, it's getting harder and harder to watch her and if she's not in top shape all of this will come under. So when I hear her screaming like a feral animal I get out of my bed and run to her room. I grab her by the shoulders and talk to her.

"Katniss, wake up, wake up!" Her screaming turns to pitiful whimpers in response to the sound of my voice, and I can see her fight the drug infused stupor, trying to come back to me. She finally opens her eyes. She throws her arms around me and I embrace her. I don't bother telling her it's ok, because it's not. She collects herself and pulls away from me.

"It was terrible Peeta." Is all she can say and I nod knowingly.

"Would you like me to stay with you for a bit, do you want to talk about it?"

She nods furiously "no, no. but please stay here for a bit." I nod and lean back against the headboard. I'm stunned when she molds herself against my side and presses her head to my chest desperately. Suddenly I understand why. I held her like this in the cave, and it's exactly what I've been craving when I wake up from my nightmares. It's the only thing that will help me get through it.

Just as I'm thinking this Katniss breaks the calm silence "I look for you in my sleep, during and after my nightmares."

I freeze. "Do you mean your nightmares are about me?" I ask sadly.

"No, well sometimes, I mean, I want you with me, like this. In the cave, your presence, you holding me like this, gave me a sense of security. Like I could completely trust you to keep me safe. It was wonderful to know that I wasn't alone in the middle of that arena. I don't know how tributes go in alone every year…"

"I know what you mean." I start to draw circles on her back with my fingers.

"That feels nice" she murmurs.

"I needed this too Katniss. And it's not because of how I feel about you" when I say this I feel her take in a sharp abrupt breath, which tells me how uncomfortable she feels about it "but because you are the only person in the world that understands what this is, what happened to us. I can't even put it into words but somehow we are bound by it. I was wrong to shut you out - before. I'm sorry" I apologize again.

Her breathing relaxes again when I begin to draw circles on her back with my fingers. "It's okay, and I'm sorry too Peeta. I'm sorry it's all like this, you deserve so much better." She looks up at me sadly and she begins to draw circles across my chest with her finger.

"So do you" I exclaim. As the minutes carry on her breathing begins to fall into a slumber and her fingers fall flat on my chest. "I'm going to let you sleep now" I start to shift but she quickly grabs my shoulders.

"No" She pleads. "Stay with me." She pauses "Will you sleep with me… I need you." She says pitifully.

My heart jumps because I know what she means. I think to every night back in District 12 and how I know that the only thing that will remedy the anxiety and darkness that haunts me at night is her arms and holding her. So of course I comply. I can't deny her this, I can't deny her anything really. She sits up and pulls the blankets back and lets me climb in next to her. I lay next to her and I'm surprised when she crushes her body into mine, holding me. I happily embrace her. And for the first time I have a complete night of sleep. When we wake up, still tangled in each other's arms we look at each other and smile triumphantly. I kiss the top of her head and she gives me an appreciative squeeze.

After that we refuse to sleep apart, which improves Katniss's physical health tremendously, even her appetite is back. One morning, as I was leaving her compartment, I run into two train attendants. I hear them whispering, _they're sleeping together_. I stare at them for a few seconds as they scurry off and I realize that this is a good thing, if they are gossiping, it may get out to Panem and that may please Snow.

A few days after that, I'm in my compartment drawing on my sketchbook and Haymitch is there talking to me about strategies when Effie storms through the door. "Peeta Mellark if what I'm hearing is true, I am very disappointed in you." She protests.

Haymitch looks surprisingly at her "What's going on?" He asks concerned.

"I have no idea" I can't begin to imagine what she's upset about.

"Are you or are you not sneaking into Katniss's bedroom every night" she pauses "and… sleeping with her?"

Haymitch's eyes widen and he stares at me.

I can't help but be amused and I know I have to make Effie believe the worst. So I take her on. I roll my eyes at her confrontation.

"Don't you roll your eyes at me young man. I am responsible for the two of you and this could be scandalous." She waits for me to answer but I purposely stare at the wall avoiding her eyes the way any adolescent boy would act. Haymitch stares at me curiously, I can tell that he knows what I'm up to. "I hope you have a more comforting response than what Katniss said to me" she continues. Her statement about Katniss makes me look at her.

"what did she say?" I ask curiously.

She scuffs "She said, We'll try to be more discreet. The nerve of that girl…". I laugh because I'm glad that she and I are on the same page on this matter. "It's not funny young man. The districts have a serious problem of teenage pregnancies and if you love Katniss you would not put her in this kind of situation." I'm genuinely annoyed at this remark considering what the Capitol puts us through every year and my face shows it. "Don't scowl at me, this is serious. You are being very selfish!"

I smirk "I promise you Effie, I am not selfish when it comes to sex." I look her right in the eye when I say this. And this confirms her worst fear. Effie is so shocked by my brazenness that she looks like she going to fall over. She's speechless.

To makes matters worse, Haymitch starts to laugh and this makes Effie turn her attention to him. "You think this is funny?" she protests. "I'm not doing this." She looks back at me still disbelieving what I told her and then looks back at Haymitch. "You're his mentor talk to him and deal with it! Make sure he's being careful!" She turns on her heel and storms out.

Haymitch continues to laugh "That was priceless." Once he composes himself he says "Do I need to have the talk with you?"

I look at him as I continue to draw on my sketch pad. "Nope. I have it all down."

"I know you two are not having sex." He responds.

"No we are not, but if the rumors are out there it can only help our cause." I say. He nods knowingly.

Later, Katniss and I shared a good laugh over the whole ordeal. But that laughter is short lived, we see the growing tension in the districts and I am constantly reminded that Snow's request of us is pointless. However, Katniss still feels like she needs to succeed at this task. I guess I would be unreasonable too if Snow had directly threatened Ivy like he threatened Gale.

While we are sitting with Haymitch talking about the situation Katniss drops the bomb "We should get married."

I stare at her in disbelief and without thinking I say "No, no way." I look at Haymitch for him to brush the idea off the table but he nods, seriously considering the suggestion. "No, no."

Haymitch says to my pleas. " Peeta…" And my stomach sinks, I can't believe that this is seriously being considered. "I think it's time that you started to accept that this train ride, this game, is not going to end." My heart breaks as he says it. "It's only a matter of time before they want this of the two of you, I'm sorry that because of what is happening, Snow feels like he needs to speed things up for the two of you."

And with that I feel something crumble inside. I don't even let him finish. "Fine" I interject and get up and leave the two of them in the train compartment by themselves. Once I'm back in my room I think of Ivy, and I realize how selfish I've been. Yes I love her, but not the way I love Katniss. Ivy deserves so much better than that. And I feel terrible because she's going to think I was only seeking her out as a consolation price. It's not true – I couldn't have a future with Katniss, I would have made it work with Ivy. My heart breaks for her. I think a part of me always wanted this, it gave me hope. But because I'm in the middle of this spark, I don't know how I can handle being responsible for the lives of my loved ones. I don't know if I can do this.

That night when I walk into Katniss's room she's surprised to see me.

"I didn't think you'd want to be with me after our conversation." She says calmly. I take in the view of her, timidly sitting up in a bed that swallows up her small frame, I can't help but feel enamored of the scene.

I smile. "No offense?" I say sarcastically, after all I was not happy over the idea of marrying her. The truth is marrying Katniss would be my biggest dream come true, but not like this. I laugh lightly and I continue "We're going to be married so I guess I should get used to sleeping with you." I laugh but then I see the horror in her face. "I didn't mean - that." I say sharply. Her eyes widen and she blushes and then laughs nervously. I run my hand through my hair nervously "I mean sharing a bed to sleep in." She looks a little mortified by her misinterpretation so I continue "At least we'll help our nightmares right? Imagine that, the two star-crossed lover victors sharing a bed where the only action consists of screaming from our nightmares." I regret saying it the moment it leaves my mouth but to my surprise, she starts to laugh hysterically. She reaches out for my hand, I give it to her, and she pulls me into the bed. She cradles herself in my arms and kisses my cheek.

"I'm so sorry Peeta. It was going to be inevitable anyway." She says softly. I nod in agreement. "At least we're friends now" she says.

"Yeah… at least there's that." We go to sleep but we are visited by nightmares and once again, we prove that our embraces, our encouraging words are the only remedy to get us through this curse.

As our tour wraps up, we end up in the Capitol and we pull off our engagement beautifully in front of Cesar. People actually faint in the audience from the excitement. We are surprised by Snow's surprise appearance, no one was expecting that, not even us. He congratulates me not really giving me a second thought and then proceeds to wrap his arm around Katniss. They stare at each other and I'm glad to know that Katniss can hold her own against him, after a few seconds she even seems to relax and shoots him a genuine smile. She may be scared when he's not around but in front of him, she's a fighter, it's her instincts kicking in.

After, we move on to the party in the mansion. At this point I'm tired of it all. I want it to end; I don't feel like participating in a feast. I'm shocked to see Katniss's eagerness when she sees all the food, and she eats enthusiastically making me finish whatever she can't because she'll be damned if she'll ever throw food out. I finally tell her that she'll need to stop because I can't have another bite. She laughs as she shoves a piece of chocolate into my mouth. Suddenly her prep team approach us, buzzing with excitement. They can't believe they are at the event of the year.

After I swallow the chocolate "I'm serious Katniss I can't hold another bite." She smiles at me. Her prep team laughs and they hand me a small glass holding what I believe to be liquor and they tell me that I'm supposed to drink it when I feel full. I realize that it will make me purge. I set the down the glass and ask Katniss to dance instead, I really can't take it anymore.

"you ok?" she asks.

"I'm just so sick of this" I whisper in her ear. "Maybe we're wrong to try to stop the uprisings." She looks panicked and turns around us to make sure no one heard me. I roll my eyes because I am so close to not caring anymore.

"Wait until we're back home" she tells me sternly. I nod.

The party continues and ends and I am so over it all. I'm exhausted by the time I get back to the train, I almost don't make it to the shower but I desperately need to wash everything off me, the perfumes of people grabbing me, the lipsticks stains from women caressing me and kissing me, I want to wash the advances I had to deal with all night. I feel disgusting. I make my way back to Katniss's room and I feel a pang of pain at the thought that this is the last night we'll sleep together. I walk into her room and I'm surprised that she's already fast asleep. I climb in anyway, and we have a peaceful sleep. No nightmares. We wake up the next morning as we are pulling into District 12.

As soon as we leave the train station, Haymitch storms off to the Hob to get liquor I'm sure. Katniss and I look at each other and we take a deep breath. She takes my hand in hers and we walk back towards Victor's Village. We still have the dinner at the Mayor's house. One more event, at least it's at home, and we'll be surrounded by caring faces, including Madge. When we walk onto our street, I pull her into an embrace and she hugs me back.

"Almost done." I say. She pulls back and I tuck some lose strands of hair behind her ear. She smiles at me.

"Hey love birds!" I hear someone yell from my house. Katniss and I turn to look and I see Silas, Nathan, and Delly are waiting by my front door. My eyes search for Ivy, but she's not there, of course she's not there. They must all know about my engagement. I walk towards them while still holding Katnissn's hand. My friends hug me, and I see Katniss smile as she observes me interact with my friends. Delly gives her a welcoming enthusiastic hug, which puts Katniss off. She's not very affectionate. I laugh a little and Katniss shoots me a look, so I shut up. I turn to Nathan and Silas and their eyes are very curious. Just then, Madge walks up to my front door and she gives both Katniss and I a welcoming hug.

"I didn't know you guys would be here." She says to Nathan, Silas, and Delly.

"That's because you're still avoiding us." Silas eyes her suspiciously and Madge shoots him a dirty look.

"I actually came to see Katniss. No offense Peeta." She says.

"None taken. Can't say I blame you" I say as I pull Katniss's hand to my lips to kiss it. Katniss smiles and rolls her eyes at me. This banter has become familiar, intimate, and comfortable for the two of us. My jokes and my flirting no longer make her uncomfortable. However, to the gang, it's completely unexpected and confusing. Madge looks at me curiously.

"Well, I'll let you catch up" says Katniss, as she moves her hand to my cheek and pats it lightly. We share a look and she walks away with Madge following her. Madge looks back at me quizzically as she walks away. While they are still in hearing range, I hear Katniss ask Madge if she's seen Gale. But I don't hear Madge's response. I feel a pinch of jealousy. I turn back to my friends and Nathan pushes me.

"What the hell is going on?" he asks.

"We're engaged." Is all I say. They look confused but there really is nothing more for me to say. Genuine or not, it's the truth.

"How's Ivy?" I ask and Delly looks upset.

"Busy." She begins but before she can say anything more , Silas pulls me away from the house, "We just wanted to say hi before the mayor's dinner. Walk with us." He says. Once we are far enough, he turns to me and says "There's going to be a party tonight in one of the houses." I'm surprised to hear this. "No reason, just cause" he says before I even ask. "Anyway, if you need to see her I'll make sure she's there." He says.

"I do. I need to see her." I say to him. He pats my shoulder and tells me where to find them later. I turn back to the house and wait for the prep team to come and get me ready. At the mayor's house after the party dies down I stand next to Katniss as we listen to Madge play the piano. Katniss's mother approaches us and asks if she's ready to leave. She says yes. She looks at me and asks if I want to leave with them but I tell her I'm going to hang out with Madge a little longer. Madge knows about the party and has agreed to accompany me. I asked her not tell Katniss. She gives me a hug and leaves. After everyone leaves, Madge and I leave together heading towards the vacant house Silas told us about.

Madge comes to a complete stop and makes me face her "You're going to do it aren't you. You're going to break her heart."

My heart sinks when I hear her say it "I'm looking out for her" I say in my defense.

She looks at me sympathetically "I believe you, at least it's for that reason." Her eyes start to tear up.

"What is up Madge? You've been so distant." I ask concerned.

Then the tears start flowing and her voice hits a high pitched panicked tone, she starts to wave her hands in front of her face as if to fan the tears away. I hug her and rub her back. "It's okay, hey, what' wrong?"

"Ohhh" she says pitifully "boy troubles" she says in a dismissive tone and as she pulls away from me. She wipes her tears away. "I'll be okay. It's over now." I'm about to say something but she stops me. "I don't want to talk about it. Please." She pleads and I nod respectfully. We keep walking to the house. Once inside, people nod at me. Nathan is there, he comes up to me and tells me that Ivy is waiting in one of the rooms upstairs.

Upstairs, Ivy is sitting on the ground leaning against a wall. She looks up at me and smiles. She pulls herself up and runs to me. My chest tightens because I'm completely unprepared for a warm welcome. As she's about to throw her arms around me, I grab her arms and bring her body to a complete stop before me. The look on her face is punishing. This is going to be harder than I thought.

"What is wrong?" she asks startled and in disbelief. She tries to break her arms free from my grip but I can't let go. She starts to look panicked.

"Ivy, Katniss and I are engaged" It's all I can say, for the first time I don't have words.

Her face is serious; her beautiful bright ember eyes look muted. "It's an act Peeta, I know that. It's okay." She tries to reach for me but I push her back, without letting go of her arms, and I stop feeling the weight of her body try to reach me.

"No it's not. We have to. And, I can't keep doing this with you. It's too dangerous."

Now she looks angry, and she looks down at my hands holding her arms at arms' length. I'm not sure why I can't let go. "What? Peeta…"

"Ivy, I'm so sorry. You mean so much to me" and now she starts to pull away, she is no longer reaching for me and I still can't let go.

"But she doesn't love you… and it's not real." She says, suddenly appearing very confused.

"It's not real but, unfortunately it has become our reality." I tell her, hoping it makes sense.

"What? Peeta…" her voice breaks and tears start to run down her face and I can't hold back my own. "I don't care what you have to do for the Capitol, why does it have to disrupt us?"

"Because I will not put you in danger. President Snow threatened Gale's life because he found out about one kiss" Ivy looks shocked. "One kiss Ivy. Do you know what that means, what he would do if he found out about us? I'm not going to risk your life. You're not going to die because of me."

Ivy finally stops struggling thinking about what I just told her. Then she looks angry "I don't care." She says.

Now I'm angry. "I do. you are not going to die because of me." I say again.

"Don't you get it! These are our lives and we had plans!" she protests.

"Quiet down!" I glare at her. "Our plans, won't matter if you're dead. You have to understand."

"You don't get it, we may die anyways." She says sobbing. "I may be reaped next year, or the year after that. And if I'm not reaped my father may succeed in killing me yet, or there may be an epidemic due to the living conditions here and we don't have the medicine…" She cries and I start to cry at the thought of her being reaped and me having to mentor her. I squeeze her arms tighter at this thought. "These are our lives Peeta, they always have been. But we had each other, our plans gave me hope, and now you're taking that away from me." She continues to cry.

"It has to stop." I manage to say weakly but I look her straight in the eye. I slowly pull her towards me and press my forehead against hers. She suddenly, brings her hands to my face and pulls me in to her kiss. Such a deep kiss, full of passion, tears, desire, and heartbreak, and it's beautiful. She makes me feel that beautiful bliss in my chest and I want to bury myself in her. We continue to cry as we press into each other as hard as we can. She finally pulls away from the tortured kiss, and her eyes have lost that luster. I feel like I'm going to panic. I try to pull her into another kiss, but she pulls away but can't break free because I can't let go of her arms.

"Let go." She says weakly. I stare at her in disbelief, she's going to give me what I want. So I let go, and in a flash of second she's running out of the room. The pain in my fingers snap me out of the daze her kiss left me in. I follow her steps out the door and I see that Delly and Madge have caught her, and they are holding her. They leave the party together, without anyone noticing. I sit in the spot where I found her and Silas and Nathan join me. I cry silently and they don't say a word. They just keep me company. I look at them "I'm going to head home guys." They nod and walk with me, in silence. I walk inside my home and without asking they follow me in and crash on my sofa for the night. Their presences makes such a difference and it means the world to me.


	9. Chapter 9

The next day I'm up baking bright and early. I head to Katniss house to drop off bread, this time I catch her before she's off to go hunting, I can tell by the jacket and boots she's wearing. I wonder if she's going to see Gale but I don't ask. We have breakfast together. I feel dazed and she notices.

"What's wrong?" she asks.

"Rough night." Is all I can say. She pretends not to notice my swollen eyes. I walk her out.

She turns to me and says "We didn't convince Snow. He all but said it." I'm surprised by how carefree she says it.

I look at her "I'm not surprised. Katniss you saw those districts, if anything we were making things worse. This is out of our hands and his." She looks surprised by how calm I am too.

"Had you already thought about this?" She asks. I nod yes.

"Do you think we'll still have to get married?" She asks and hearing her say this strikes a nerve. Then I decide at the moment that marrying Katniss or not, I still had to end things with Ivy.

"I don't know" I respond annoyed. "I have to go see my family. I'll see you later." I turn and walk away from her. The next few weeks I try to keep busy, waiting for Snow's next move really. I bake in the morning, I feed Haymitch, I hang out with Katniss more than I do my friends, and this is how I carry on. Katniss and I have a building tension between us, and I don't know where it's coming from. I think we miss each other at night, but sleeping together here is out of the question. So we are tired, sleepless, and cranky. One day, I run into Katniss as she's returning from her hunt and I'm heading out. I hope she's being discreet out there, I'm not sure how often she sees Gale or if their relationship is still cold. Silas and Nathan still say that they only see each other on Sundays. She walks towards me.

"Hey, where are you going?" she asks looking a little distracted.

"into town, going to the bakery." I respond.

"I'll walk with you." She follows me, quietly as she stares into space.

"What's wrong" I ask.

"Peeta, if I asked you to run away with me into the woods would you?" she asks plainly.

I look around and I pull on her arm so that she faces me. "What are you planning?" I ask her.

"You heard me." She says seriously.

"Who is coming with us?" I ask curiously and she looks a little annoyed.

"My family, yours if they want to, and Haymitch." She retorts.

"What about Gale?" I ask plainly.

She looks annoyed "He has other plans."

I laugh at this thought. Clearly the two had some kind of quarrel. "Sure he does, I say" I start to walk but she grabs my arm in protest.

"You didn't answer my question" she protests.

"Sure Katniss, I'll run away with you." She breaks into a huge smile. "But I don't believe you'll do it for a second." I say, and her smiles turns into a scowl.

"Yes I will, and I'm serious Peeta. You need to be ready for when I say it's time to run." She says seriously. I smile at her and nod, which only upsets her more, she thinks I'm patronizing her and maybe I am. But suddenly I hear a hum that gets my attention. Then I hear a cracking sound.

"What's wrong?" she asks.

"Did you hear that?" I hear the same sound again. Katniss stays quiet and nods no. Then I hear it again, and again, and I know exactly what that sound is. Before I can think, I run towards the sound, fearing the worse. I can't stop thinking of my family, Ivy, my friends. I get to the town square but the crowd is too thick to break through. I can't see anything. I know a whipping is going on, and I stand on a bench to see who is being punished, fearing the worst. I look at the pole in the center and I see a wild turkey hanging on the pole and a limp body hanging below that. Blood, everywhere. I look back at the turkey and know that it can only be one person, Gale. I jump off the bench and stop Katniss from standing on the bench, she still has no idea. I beg her to go back home, that I'll take care of everything, but that only scares her and she pushes me away. She's small and quick and she maneuvers through my arms and climbs on the bench. Then I hear her heart wrenching piercing scream.

"Gale!" and before I know it, she's out of my reach running towards him and there nothing I can do to stop it.

It takes mine and Haymitch's wits to stop Cray from killing Gale. It took every fiber of my being to keep myself from ripping Cray's throat out the moment that whip landed on Katniss's face. Back in her home, my heart breaks into a million pieces as I watch her despair. I feel so guilty, I realize that I ruined things for her. I put myself between her and Gale. She is in love with him, and it's so obvious. So painfully obvious. Who knows what life she would have had if I had kept my stupid mouth shut. I could have still helped her, and I have no doubt that she would have won the Games. Her life would have gone on with her family and the young man she loves. I'm shocked when she verbally abuses her mother for refusing to give Gale stronger and more effective medicine to ease his pain. I had no idea she could be so cruel, but I guess I shouldn't be surprised. Gale, the boy she loves, is dying on her kitchen table. I have to lift her out of the kitchen to give her mother space as she tries to save Gale. I carry her into a bedroom and I sit on the edge of the lap while holding her in my arms. She struggles against me, "don't touch me!, let me go, let me go!" she screams at me, and finally Haymitch pulls her from my arms and embraces her. She sobs uncontrollably. Not once, did I see this side of her after the games, during the games, I'm seeing an entire new side of her. The side that tells me she's in love and terrified that she may lose him. I'd take his place in a second if it means she wouldn't be in this condition. Hopeless, I'm hopeless.

Suddenly there's knock on the door and Haymitch goes to answer. I follow behind him and I'm bewildered when I see Madge standing there in the middle of snow storm holding a small glass bottle in her hand.

"Madge" I say in disbelief, I mean it's the last person I expected to see. Katniss walks up behind me. Madge doesn't even look at me or anyone else, she walks in looks past us all and peers into the kitchen, I follow after her, standing close to her. When she sees Gale, she goes pale. She grabs my hand and squeezes tight. She takes a deep breath lets go of my hand and turns to Katniss.

"I heard what happened. Here", she hands over a small glass bottle. "It's my mother's pain medication. It's morphling. We wanted to help." Katniss looks just as surprised as I am. And before anyone can say anything she runs out the door.

"crazy girl." Says Haymitch.

"Why would she want to help? I didn't know she knew Gale." I wonder out loud, but that's not what feels odd about this. Madge would help a stranger. It's her whole demeanor that seemed very unlike her.

"He sells her and her father strawberries." Katniss says defensively running to her mother and demanding that she give him the medicine.

"She must like strawberries a lot" I say but Haymitch overhears me and he raises his eyebrow. I hang around until I know that Gale is out of danger and until I can't bare to see Katniss pine over someone else. I bid everyone a good night and head towards my house. Imagine my surprise when I walk in and find Madge sobbing on my couch.

"What the hell is going on?" I say aloud. Madge looks up at me and runs to my arms. I hug her.

"Is he going to be ok? She asks desperately.

"Mrs. Everdeen stabilized him. And the medicine you brought is going to help him so much." I sense that she needs to feel like she helped him, and she has. I pull her back and bring my finger up to my mouth.

"I already moved them. They are in the hallway closet under a blanket." She tells me in regards to the listening devices.

"I'm going to make tea." I say. She nods.

"I called my parents and told them I got caught in the storm and would be staying here. I hope that's okay." She says pitifully.

"Of course, I wanted to stop you earlier but you ran out of there." Once she is calm, I bring her a cup of tea and she stares at me with her pale blue eyes. I push her chin up with my finger. "So, you and Gale." There's no point in her denying it anymore, it's obvious that she's in the same distress that Katniss is in, because she too loves him. She just looks at me a little embarrassed. "I'm not going to judge you, did something happen?" I ask.

She looks at me. "Everything " she takes sip of tea and sets her cup down "Everything happened." She says wide eyed.

I'm stunned because, it's my understanding that Gale is supposed to be dying of love for Katniss, so what is he doing with Madge, and I'm furious. Then I choke on my hypocrisy because what the hell was I doing with Ivy. "when did it begin?" I ask instead.

"During the Games. I ran into him at the square, he was so distressed worried about Katniss. She had been burned badly. He almost broke down, started hyperventilating. I had to help him leave the square without anyone noticing. He started crying in my arms, and I held him. I cried too. He pulled back and before I knew it he was kissing me." She looks at me.

"Were you interested in him from before?" I ask curiously.

"Yes, what girl wasn't interested in him?" she says rhetorically. I roll my eyes at this statement. "There was always tension between us" she continues "he used to be judgmental and… well plainly rude. Like he resented me for having it easier than him." She says regretfully.

"I hate that logic. It's bullshit" I interrupt. "Like all town kids, or merchant kids have it so easy? I guess I'm not surprised that he would think like that." I say, he always struck me as bitter and cynical.

She nods and continues "well when he pulled away, he apologized and left. But then, he continued to look for me. At first it was for trade, then to talk about the Games, and it would always end with him kissing me, but it quickly escalated to more. It was thrilling. I actually believed he had fallen for me, and I was so happy when it looked like Katniss would make it back. I was actually thinking of how of how we would tell her. Then you two won, and of course he was furious over what was going on, he didn't believe it for a minute but he was still insanely jealous over you. I started to realize that he was not on the same page as me, because he started to pull back."

"Where would you two have sex?" She looks startled by my question as if wondering why it could possibly be relevant. "I want to make sure no one saw you." I say logically although she wouldn't know that since she doesn't know about Snow confronting Katniss about her kiss with Gale.

She eyes me curiously "In the forest." I can't help but start laughing, I try to suppress it but I can't and I hold my hands over my mouth. Madge looks furious and smacks my arm. I drop my hands from my mouth "I'm sorry" but the laughter escapes me again.

"Why are you laughing?!" She exclaims in disbelief.

"Because it's so crazy, what you're telling me. That poor guy was inches from death, he is now lying broken on the kitchen table of the girl I'm madly in love with, while she looks over him because she's crazy in love with him, and now I'm stuck consoling you in my house. And to top it off - you tell me that Gale was fucking you in the forest, Katniss and Gale's "special" place." I say cynically.

She looks shocked when I talk like that, but then she too starts laughing hysterically and I lose it again. We laugh until our bodies hurt. We finally catch our breath, and I see a fresh badge of tears pool in her eyes and the sobbing begins again. She curls up in my arms and I hold her. We end up falling asleep on my sofa. I wake up in the middle of the night from a nightmare. Katniss was torn to pieces by Cray's whip and there was nothing I could do to stop it. I was expecting this nightmare. I suddenly notice the long blonde locks splayed across my chest. I remember that I'm holding my friend Madge. It's appropriate really, here we are, broken hearted holding each other because we can't hold the ones we love. I close my eyes and fall back asleep holding Madge, wishing it was Katniss instead.

The next morning I'm up and Madge is not in my arms. I smell breakfast. I get up and walk towards the kitchen. Madge is sitting on my kitchen stool. She smiles when she sees me walk in.

"Hey" I say.

"Hi" she replies. "Thanks for letting me stay here, and holding me while I cried my eyes out."

"Anytime" I say "I'm sorry I laughed, I wasn't trying to make a joke of it. I was shocked is all, and it seemed surreal."

"It's okay" she insists. She reaches over and pets my hand.

"But it's not. When did you guys end things?" I ask.

"Right before you returned from the Games. He came to sell me strawberries. I made the trade. And he finished the transaction by telling me that he couldn't keep seeing me because Katniss was coming back." She stares into space. "He finished it off by saying that he wanted to make sure it was understood. And that was it." She says with disdain.

I feel furious because he obviously used her, and something tells me that he thinks she has it coming since she has it so good anyway. Unlike him, who is poor and lives in the Seam. "What an asshole." I say.

"Don't call him that. Not while he's over there suffering." She protests.

"Fuck that Madge. He had no right to treat you like that. Just tosses you a side like that after he's done." She looks hurt as soon as I say that. "I'm sorry" I say quickly, I reach out and hold her hand.

"it didn't quite end there." She looks embarrassed, I look at her in disbelief.

"It happened again?!" I say.

"While you were on the Victory Tour"

"Asshole!" I interrupt her and she winces.

"He came looking for me, and I tried to avoid him, we got into a fight and things got heated. He ended up kissing me. And. I couldn't resist." She starts to cry and I have to hug her. "I'm pathetic because I knew he didn't want anything serious even though I did. Sure enough, the day before you guys got back, he came to see me to make sure that I understood why I couldn't say a word to Katniss. He has ignored me since."

"Has he come near you since we've been back?" I ask protectively.

"No." she says regretfully.

"You can't let this happen again." I implore. She nods. She starts to pick at the food she prepared and we eat quietly. I suddenly feel the urge to go check in on Katniss. I take back the hypocrisy I felt the day before, what he did with Madge is nothing like what was happening between me and Ivy. I care for Ivy, I love her even, and I never set out to use her so selfishly.

"I have to go check in on Katniss." I tell Madge. She nods.

"Will you tell me how Gale is doing?" She asks sheepishly as I put on my boots and my coat.

"In pain I hope." I call out as I leave the house.

"Don't say that" Madge calls out as I close the door behind me.

I enter the Everdeen kitchen and all the anger I felt towards Gale escapes me because of the scene I encounter. Gale's bandages are soaked in fresh blood as he lays passed out on the kitchen table. IT's chilly in here and I imagine that his back wouldn't have even been able to bare contact with a blanket to keep him warm. What's worse is that Katniss sits asleep vigilantly at his side with her bruised swollen face right next to him. They are so close that they are breathing each other's breath, their eyelashes almost gracing each other, as she holds on to his hand for dear life. Making sure his life doesn't escape hers I'm sure. My heart breaks, she will never feel this way about me. Once again, I feel guilty for becoming an obstacle for them, as if life hadn't been hard enough on them. I can't blame him for lashing out, acting out, and using another woman's body to rid himself of his heart break. I imagine what he must have felt. To see this, what he imagines to be a privileged kid, confess his puppy love for the girl he loves. To see her risk her life to save mine. To see us get close, kiss, and fall all over each other on national tv. And if that wasn't bad enough, bam, engaged. What about their plans? I just came and threw them all away, just like I ripped all of Ivy's. I had no right.

I walk towards Katniss and shake her gently. She wakes up and looks at me, and gives me the saddest expression. No doubt I inspired it, that's all I inspire in her, pity and sadness. So I tell her to get some rest, that I will stay with him until her mother or Prim are up to treat him. She nods, she leans down and kisses his hand before heading upstairs. Before she exits the kitchen, she looks at me. "Peeta, I'm not going to run away." She says but I had forgotten all about that already.

"I know" I say. I muster a brave smile and she leaves us. I sit in the chair and I look at Gale's handsome face. "I'm sorry" I say whole heartedly. I came here hating the guy but I'm the bad guy, I'm the asshole.


	10. Chapter 10

I sit next to Gale until Prim comes down the stairs. She smiles at me.

"Hi Peeta." She says sweetly.

I smile at her "Hey Prim." I look back at Gale. "He's hanging in there." Prim approaches him and checks a few things on him.

"I can take it from here." She smiles at me. I nod and stand up to leave. "Thanks for the bread Peeta." I turn to look at her and I see that she's grabbing some.

"You're welcome."

"The snow isn't letting up, you can hang out until it slows down a bit. Maybe you can catch Katniss. Doubt she'll sleep much." She offers.

I smile at her, and I know she must know how little she sleeps. I wonder if anyone knows that the only way she feels peace or some alleviation from her nightmares is in my arms. I look at Gale and I know he can't offer her that. Nevertheless, I know that my comfort is not enough to build an entire relationship. "No it's okay. I have a guest at home."

Prim looks curious "Who is it?"

"Madge. Yesterday after she dropped off the medicine, the snow started to really come down and the temperature dropped. She could barely see in front of her so she decided to turn back. She stayed with me."

Prim looks surprised. "She could have stayed with us." She says defensively.

"I think you guys have enough going on here." I nod at Gale. "I have more than enough space. Plus, Madge is my friend. We go way back."

"How did you two become friends?" She asks just as I make my way towards the door. I'm starting to get the feeling that she doesn't want me to leave. I look at her quizzically because clearly she has her hands full, when and how Madge and I became friends seems completely irrelevant. But I oblige her. I move towards the counter and sit on it. This makes her smile. I thought so, she wants to me hang around and hopefully catch Katniss.

"We were eight years old. There was the annual festival in town and there was a grand prize and I won."

"What did you win?" She interrupts.

"Ice skates." I say. This makes her perk up and a huge smile spreads across her little face. I can see that she's picturing it. I continue "Yeah – big deal! The win of the century for any child in District 12. Anyway, Madge approached me in school and congratulated me on my win. She told me that she too had ice skates and asked if I wanted to skate with her some time. Of course I said yes." I start to laugh as I remember this, I hadn't thought about it in a long time. "I remember telling her that I didn't think there was anywhere to skate in District 12. She told me there was a pond in Victor's Village."

"The one behind your house?!" Prim asks surprised.

And it dawns on me "Yeah, same one." Funny how I hadn't thought of that once.

"Anyway, for that entire Winter every chance we got, Madge and I would run off and skate until we were blue."

"What happened after that?" she asks.

"I outgrew the skates." I tell her.

"Did Madge continue to skate?" she asks.

"I don't know" I start to wonder.

"Then what happened?" she continues to press for my time.

I smile at her efforts "Oh I don't know, about nine years later, she didn't want to freeze in the middle of a snow storm so she decided to crash at her old skating partner's house and she's now wondering why I've ditched her." She giggles and I wink at her. "I'll see you later." I get up and finally walk out of the house.

When I get home, Madge is sitting down in the living room looking through my sketch book. "Madge do you still skate?" I ask her before she can register that I've returned.

She jumps and looks behind me thinking about what I just said. She smiles. "Do you mean ice skate?" I nod. "Yes. Well, no, I don't have skates anymore. Plus, the empty house with the only available pond is now occupied so I'm sure I can't just trespass even if I did have them." She says teasingly. She stands up and walks towards me. I notice that she's wearing one of my shirts. She notices that I recognized it. "Sorry, I spilled coffee on my shirt and it's soaking now. You don't mind do you?"

There is something very endearing about her wearing my shirt, she swims in it. I'm staring and she makes a loud noise as if clearing her throat to snap me out of it. I snap out of it "I don't mind. I'll toss your shirt in the washer. You feeling better?"

"Yeah. I should have gotten all of this off my chest a lot sooner." She says regretfully.

"Yeah you should have." I say. "He's doing well by the way. He's stable." She smiles looking relieved.

"Well, thanks for having me. Breakfast, the shirt, the shoulder to cry on." She grabs my arm and her eyes look a little surprised as she feels it.

"What?" I ask.

"That's a lot of muscle." She says surprised.

I laugh. "I did wrestle you know, and I'm a victor so I have to play the part."

"Sorry, I just wasn't expecting it." She says while laughing at my response.

"Thanks a lot." I say sarcastically.

"Stop." She stops laughing and looks at me in the eye. Our eyes lock and for a second I feel a pull towards her. I nervously look away, and laugh a little. She laughs too and says "Okay. I'm going to go. Thanks again. I'll come by soon. After all I have my shirt here and I'll keep bringing Gale pain medication so I'll be sure to stop by. Tell Silas, that I will not be avoiding you guys anymore." She says as she walks towards the door.

"Good. And please, do cheer up." She smiles at me and walks out the door.

I do hate knowing that she's heartbroken over Gale. After I left Prim and Gale this morning I knew just how to help give Madge a little joy after her heart break. So I decided to make a call to Portia in the Capitol, I order a pair of ice skates for me and Madge. I made a point of looking at her shoe size when I walked into the house. I'm actually really excited about doing this for her. Portia tells me that I'm lucky because the order will make it onto the monthly trains that travel into the districts to drop off supplies, which is scheduled to arrive in two days. I know I'm already expecting more art supplies. I feel happy about this. I stop to think about everything Madge told me about her and Gale, and I still can't believe it. But it's really not unbelievable. Madge is one of the kindest girls in school, thoughtful, generous, caring, smart. And absolutely beautiful. Gale would have to be blind not to notice or ignore her for that matter. I realize that I had never really paid attention to her in that way. I've known her for years, and we're friends because she's wonderful, but I start to think of that last look we shared, that pull. Did I want to lean into her to kiss her? I laugh at myself and think, I just need a cold shower. I laugh because I think of Haymitch and how he's always warning me and Katniss over our damn adolescent hormones. He has me there.

Sure enough, two days later my things arrive. I open the box containing the skates and I smile. I then take a walk in my backyard to examine the pond. I walk on it. It's frozen solid, perfect. She hasn't been by in two days, not uncommon, but I'm anxious to give her this gift. I've been a little stir crazy, I miss Katniss, she's still nursing Gale back to health, and I can already feel her pulling away from me. Without having to say it, Katniss has chosen Gale. It's obvious. I also realize that what she wants is obviously hindered by the Capitol's plans for her and me. All of these facts, make me feel like nothing more than a nuisance for her, and it hurts like hell. So giving Madge a little joy to alleviate her despair resulting from an unrequited love is a highlight I need. So I give her a call.

"Hey." She sounds cheerful.

"Hey, come pick up your dirty laundry." I say jokingly.

She laughs. "Awe, you miss me."

"No, but I do miss my shirt. The gang is coming by and I want to make sure you don't keep avoiding us."

"You're right. What time is everyone coming by?"

"Seven."

"Okay, I'll meet up with Delly. See you then." She says and hangs up the phone.

Later on they all show up, and for some reason I feel weird giving her the skates in front of everyone. So I hold back. We hang out and I feel comfortable. We watch Capitol trash tv. We mostly play card games and enjoy a few drinks. They fill me in on everything that is happening in schools. I assess what is happening and I realize that this is harmless, the ears can listen on.

"I need some fresh cold air" Says Silas so I lead him out in my backyard.

"What's up?" I say.

"Have you reached out to Ivy? He asks.

I shudder when I hear her name, I've been dying to ask but I feel too raw about it. "No. I can't pull her back into this. Why? Is she okay?"

Silas shrugs vaguely "I honestly don't know. She has shut us out completely. So I've been hanging out in her father's bar just to keep my ears open. She should not isolate herself, especially while having to deal with him."

"Have you heard anything in town about her?" I ask concerned. He knows I'm referring to her potentially prostituting again.

"No, thankfully no." He replies quickly. "If that were happening again you know that word would spread fast." he says and I nod knowingly. "I just worry about her. In school she's avoiding us, she even skips lunch period. She clearly just want to be left alone." He says.

"I should reach out to her she'll see me I'm sure." I say confidently.

"Maybe that's a bad idea. I'm sorry, I just wanted to know if you'd heard from her. Nathan, Delly, and Madge reached out but no luck." He stays silent for a while. "Look, I love you guys. I get that your life has changed dramatically and you can't be with her because it's dangerous for her. But you don't love her, not the way you love Katniss. I know that you tell her that you love her because you tell us that you love her, but it's not the same. Ivy hears you say that and it gives her all kinds of misguided hope. You deserve to be loved the way she loves you but your reality is another one and no one can help that, no matter how much we want to" I look at him in the eye. As he tells me this I look across the pond and suddenly I see Cato and Thresh, staring at me. Silas must see something in my face because he looks across the pond to where I am looking. He looks back at me. "What do you see?" This time I don't keep it from him.

"I see Thresh, and Cato. They're staring at me, looking tired, breathing heavy, plotting…"Silas looks back across the pond.

"You know they're not there right?" he says calmly.

"Yeah, I know they're not really there. They will be forever in my mind and some other part of me. Because they are a part of me now. All twenty-two of them. You know when Foxface died because she ate the Nightlock berries."

Silas nods "I remember, you knelt down next to her and they showed you run your hand through her hair. They forgot to cut away from you."

"They showed that?" I ask surprised, looking away from Cato and Thresh to look at him.

"They did." He confirms.

I look back towards Cato and Thresh. "I knelt down next to her because I swear for a second I saw Ivy's face instead. The red hair, I'm sure." I smile sadly.

Silas nods "I figured as much. Ivy was with us that day watching, when she saw you touch that poor girl's hair, she started crying. We all knew."

I nod "I have to let her go. It's for the best. It's hard for Ivy right now, I know it is. But she's resilient."

"Peeta. If you need to talk about anything, Cato, Thresh" he points in the direction across the pond acknowledging their presence "or the rest of them. I'm here. You're not going to scare me away." I smile and thank him and he pulls me back towards the house.

Surprisingly my talk with Silas makes me feel a little better. When we walk back inside we continue playing cards and then when they are about to take off Madge says "I need to talk to you."

Perfect, I think to myself. "Okay, I'll see you guys later. Madge I can walk you back home, I should go see my dad." The rest of the gang leaves.

"What's up?" I ask. She pulls my shirt out of her bag. I smile. "Thank you." I walk to the kitchen and pull her clean shirt and hand it to her.

"Thanks she smiles." Then she reaches into her bag and pulls out a little bottle of Morphling, the pain medication she brought for Gale. "Can you give this to Katniss." She hands it to me. "For Gale."

I smile "sure thing." I say. She stands without saying anything else, a little tense even.

"Oh, one more thing" I say. She looks curious because the morphling should have been the last of our transactions. I bring out a box from the closet. She looks really confused.

"What's this?!" She asks surprised.

"It's for you. To help mend the broken heart." She eyes me intrigued. She opens the box and sees the skates. She grabs the laces and lets the box drop to the floor. She stares at the skates in disbelief and then she looks at me.

"Peeta…" She stares at me then at the skates. "you are the sweetest." She throws her arms around me and starts laughing uncontrollably.

I pull away from her and reach back into the closet and pull out my pair. "You're skating partner is also back." She actually starts to jump up and down and she throws her arms around me again. She kisses my cheek over and over again, jumps up and down, and throws her arms around me again. This time she goes to kiss my check but the edge of her lips grace the edge of mine and the electricity that is clearly growing between us makes her jump back. I start to laugh to cover up the shock and to avoid awkwardness. She smiles nervously at me.

"Come on. I'll walk you home." We walk out together and talk about when she'll come by to reintroduce herself with the pond.

Next time Madge comes to visit me, I'm at Katniss's house, and Gale can now sit up and even walk. He's waiting for his friends to accompany him back to the Seam. He is healthy enough to go home. Haymitch has given us all a lecture about being careful and that we absolutely need to be on high alert. Cray is no joke and it's the beginning of a crackdown. When Madge walks in, I notice that Gale tenses up upon seeing her and he looks as if she were the biggest inconvenience, as if she's completely not needed here. Never mind that her help made his pain tolerable, allowing him to recover faster. Madge picks up on this, but instead of shrinking, which is more like her shy nature. She stands taller.

She walks towards him and hands him a handful of morphling bottles. "I took it upon myself to do something nice for the needy." It takes everything inside of me to not laugh, because I know how a comment like this strikes people in the Seam, especially Gale and Katniss. Even Haymitch winces.

"Madge!" Katniss says, completely shocked and insulted for Gale.

Gale glares at her, takes the bottles, and stands up, which makes him tower over her. They are only a few inches apart. He's clearly trying to look down on her in every way and I feel angry and protective of her. I stand up and grab Madge's hand and pull her towards the back door.

"Haymitch, you done with the lecture?" I say calmly, attempting to change the subject.

"Yeah." He looks at me, then he looks down at my hands holding Madge's hands. I quickly let go. "Come on Madge." I push her out the door. Outside she leans down and hangs her skates over her shoulder. We look at each other for a few seconds, and we can see the laughter that is starting to rise out of our bodies. We run as fast as we can away from Katniss's house. We can't contain our laughter anymore. I'm sure everyone can hear us laughing from the street as we run as fast as we can but we don't care. We crash into my kitchen laughing.

"Ahhh!" she screams in excitement. "That felt so good!"

"Good job Madge!" I give her a high five.

"I feel exhilarated. Give me a drink. Something strong. I mean that was better than sex." She laughs.

I'm shocked to hear Madge say this so I laugh and say "Well, I don't' know about that, can't speak for you or your experiences" which only makes her laugh louder since I'm taking a shot at Gale. I hand her a shot of white liquor and I serve one for myself.

"To Madge sticking up for herself" She smiles and screams excitedly. We take the drink.

"I mean, what did I see in him? Please tell me?" She says.

"I have no idea" there is this fun energy between us and I like it. "Better question is why didn't he see what he could have had with you?"

"I know!" She replies, and she takes another drink. "and can I just say, Katniss is a total idiot for not seeing you."

"I know!" I say and we start to laugh hysterically "I mean look at you and look at me." This makes her laugh uncontrollably. I take the bottle away from her. "No more for you." She laughs even harder. I feel captivated by her good nature. She looks more beautiful laughing like this, if that's possible. I feel completely attracted to her and I can't help myself. I'm no longer laughing, I'm just staring at her and she notices, which makes her stop laughing instantly.

She stares at me and says "What?"

"I mean it. Look at you." I say completely serious. Once again I feel that pull towards her, and I know she feels it too. I feel panicked all of a sudden. I jump away from her instead.

"Let's skate." I say.

She smiles and nods. We put on our skates, and the moment we run outside I feel like those eight year old children escaping the reality of our lives again, running towards this eerie village and finding the treasure that is this pond. She glides onto the ice and it carries her swiftly. She throws her head back and smiles at the snow falling on her. There is a full moon and it shines down on her, giving her pale blonde hair a silvery glow. She looks like a creature from out of this world. I look across the pond and I see Cato and Thresh looking at her. Like me they seem completely taken by the scene. Is it really possible, to experience this serenity in our lives, after the Games? Suddenly they disappear and I see Rue perched up on a tree smiling down on her. I look back at her, she moves faster around the pond and spins and laughs. Utterly happy. She starts to call out to me. "Come on Peeta." I let go and join her in this dream.

I step onto the ice and I glide easily. I remember her teaching me way back then. I'm not as fast as she is. She challenges me to endless races. We skate, laugh, fall, race again, then she comes up from behind and grabs my hand. As we continue our skating, the snow falls in larger quantities. We then proceed to skate laps around this pond, not saying a word, just sharing the wonderful feeling of bliss. She wants to race again but I decline, I don't want to stop holding her hand. At this point the snow is falling so heavily that there isn't much visibility. She grabs my hand and pulls me toward the center. She grabs my other hand so that she's facing me now. She begins to spin us faster and faster and we start to laugh again. I'm completely hypnotized. I begin to slow us down and I let go of one hand but she continues to spin around me. I come to a complete stop as she continues to skate around me while holding on to one of my hands and this begins to wrap my arm and her arm around me, bringing her inches closer to me, until she crashes into me, face on. Her dancing eyes look at me as she laughs. Without thinking, I let go of her hand and bring my hands to her face, gently cradling it, and I press my lips to hers. I feel the static rush through our lips. She brings her arms around my waist and I move one hand behind her neck and drop the other to the back of her waist, bringing her closer to me. Our mouths begins to move with more urgency in perfect unison. Our tongues gently touch each other, our lips massage each other, and with every passing second, I feel like I can't get close enough to her. I don't know how long this goes on for but I don't want it to end because it feels like a blissful dream. We pull away and realize that it's freezing outside, the temperature had dropped drastically. She smiles, then laughs, grabs my hand and pulls me towards the edge of the pond. We step off it together and then run towards my house. We're laughing, and I'm not sure why.

When we reach my house we start to shiver, we step inside finally feeling the full effect of the freezing cold we were in. We both take a few steps away from each other without taking our eyes off each other. We take our skates off, and then we look at each other again. I smile, and without thinking we walk towards each other again, closing the space between us. Our lips kiss frantically, and I can still feel her body shivering from the cold. Her hands start to tug at my clothes, and I'm thrilled. We start to tear our clothes off as we head up the stairs to my room.

Before I know it, we are completely naked kissing every inch of each other's bodies. My hands run over her body, her shoulders, her breast, her hips, her thighs, between her legs. As she climaxes I can't contain myself much longer and I bury myself in her. We have sex earnestly, again, and again until we can't keep our eyes open any longer. I don't even remember falling asleep but I wake up from a nightmare in the middle of the night, I'm sitting up against my headboard and Madge is straddling me. Her head resting on my shoulder and her long golden locks streaming over my shoulder. I smile, because I can't imagine how we ended up in this position. I wrap my arm around her waist, and shift my body downward. I roll us over, laying her on her back. She stirs and opens her eyes. She looks at me lazily and smiles. I kiss her smiling lips.

"Go to sleep." I say. She smiles and closes her eyes. I lay on my back and I hold on to her hand. I don't let go of this dream for the rest of the night.


	11. Chapter 11

The next morning we are woken up by my ringing phone. Madge looks really groggy and I'm always on high alert, so I'm up and I reach towards the phone. It's Madge's father. I look at Madge and mouth to her that it's her father. She smiles and covers her face with the pillow. He just wants to make sure that she is somewhere safe from the blizzard. This makes me look out the window and I see a total white out. Madge slowly pulls the pillow away from her face, just enough to show me her eyes. I smile at her and I can't believe that we were unaware that a blizzard was storming around us as we skated and lost ourselves in our kiss the night before. I assure him that she's safe that I have more than enough room in my house. I apologized for not calling the night before, I lie and tell him that Madge tried to call but my phone line wasn't working. He seems satisfied and he tells me to not let Madge try to brave it out into the storm even if that mean she may have to impose on me by staying a few more days. If only he knew.

I offer to get Madge on the phone, "I'll just run to the other room and wake her". I offer. Madge starts to giggle burying her face in the pillow. Her dad insists it's not necessary but to make sure she gives him a call later because her mother will worry. I hang up and sit on the edge of the bed. Madge leans towards me rests her head on my leg. She starts using her hair to draw circles on my thigh.

"You are a cool liar Peeta Mellark. Where did you learn to lie like that?" she says teasing.

"It's a natural talent." I reply.

"Like your artistic side?" she replies sitting up and kissing me gently. I kiss her back and nod yes. We have sex again, incredible sex, and we can't stop laughing. In a strange way we both understand that we really need this. This comfort, affection, release and we completely trust each other. We finally head downstairs and make breakfast.

Madge ends up staying with me for five days. In those days, we talk, laugh, play, eat, bake, paint, have sex, and begin all over again. Madge even opens up to me about her mother. She explains to me that they are not close. That her mother has made a clear effort to put up barriers between them. I can't fathom the idea of why anyone would want to put up barriers between themselves and Madge. She tells me that all of the affection comes from her father, that he has very much raised her on his own. I asked her if her mother's health is what keeps her from functioning. Madge assures me that it's not. She said that as a child she simply thought that her mother hated her and she would try so hard to be good. She then tells me that when she turned twelve and went to her first reaping, her mother looked shaky. Like all parents and citizens, her mother was required to go to the reaping and stand there, she noticed that her mother couldn't stop shaking. After the reaping, she walked towards her parents. She was so relived after not being reaped. She said her mother stared at her wide eyed and briskly grabbed her hand pulling her home faster than normal. She said her little legs were practically running. Her father had to return to the office to fulfill his duties for the Games. She said that as soon as they got home, her mother practically threw her into the house and she thought for sure her mother would hit her. Instead, her mother dropped to her knees and threw her arms around her daughter, sobbing and kissing her face and little hands. She cradled her and rocked her back and forth in her arms repeatedly calling her baby. Madge said she held on to her and never wanted to let go. Madge said it was the only time her mother had ever showed her affection. She held Madge for hours, until her father arrived. He looked alarmed at seeing them together. She finally set her down, walked to her husband and fainted in his arms. Her mother was bed ridden for days suffering from paralyzing migraines after the reapings, clearly she lives in fear. That was when her migraines began. Once again, she pulled back from her daughter. I finally say something.

"Why? What's behind that pain?" For some reason I think of Haymitch because like Madge's mother, he has pushed everyone away.

"My father told me that she lost her twin sister in the Games. That's all I've been told." She says.

"I had no idea you had an aunt! Much less that she was a Tribute." I say surprised.

"It never comes up at home, I don't know the details, and I think my parents have tried to disconnect me from that reality. " We stay quiet. "I guess my mom has had to live with the horrors of it. They were very close. Did you know I gave Katniss the pin she wore at the Games?" She asks.

"No." I'm really surprised by this. "Where did you get it?" I ask.

"It was my aunt's." she says quietly," it was her favorite. My mother asked me to give it to her so I did." Replies Madge.

I get chills thinking about it. For some reason knowing this gives me a bad premonition. I stare at Madge and start to wonder a lot because suddenly a lot of things are making sense about her. Madge keeps to herself. Nathan, Silas, Delly, Ivy , and myself almost always seek her out. She clearly prefers to be alone, which is why she prefers Katniss's company. While she is shy, she's open, friendly, and personable once you get close to her; polar opposite of Katniss. Why Katniss then? Because Katniss doesn't ask questions. It's a friendship of convenience in some ways. Which means, Madge has things to say or she knows things that she doesn't want to say. I start to think how she knew where all the listening devices were in my house. Then I wonder, what made her seek them out in her own house to begin with. It can't just be to conserve family privacy. From what she's telling me, nothing much goes on in that house.

Madge finally breaks the silence "What are you thinking?" She leans in to kiss my neck.

"I'm thinking there is a lot I don't know about you." I say. She pulls away from my neck and stares at me.

"Peeta…" She pauses. "Secrets are the most valuable things in our world. I intend to keep my secrets. So don't bother asking." She says calmly.

I lean back and look her up and down. She's in my bed completely naked, bare, and I finally see it. She's clandestine. This gives me that terrible premonition again. So I say. "Whatever it is that you're doing. Be careful." My mind races and finally lands on something, there are uprisings in the districts. If something is going on in 12, Madge is a part of it. I'm sure of it. I respect her wishes and don't ask. I have my own battles to deal with against the Capitol. I'm suddenly afraid for her and I engulf her with my arms and lose myself in her again. On the fifth day the snow finally stopped falling and I can see that the wind has blown snow off the pond in the back. Madge tells me that she should head back home today so I ask her if she wants to skate before she goes. She smiles and runs to put on her skates. We go back outside and we enjoy ourselves. We keep our physical distance since the falling snow will no longer hide us. As we skate I feel the tension growing between us and I get chills just thinking of the delicious kiss we shared on that night. She suddenly steps off the ice and stares hungrily at me and tells me she wants to go back inside. I know exactly why and I smile. We head back towards my house, more anxious with every passing second, I now feel desperate to be back in my bed with her. We crash into my door pressing her against me. I open the doorknob and we almost fall inside.

The growing tension comes to a complete halt when I hear Madge's scream, she almost jumps into my arms, which makes me lose my balance and we end up falling to the floor. She lands with her back against my chest between my legs and she's now laughing. I'm completely confused and I look up and see Katniss and Gale standing in my kitchen. At the site of them, Madge's laughter becomes contagious and I start laughing too. I look at them and Katniss looks uncomfortable.

"Sorry, you guys startled us." I manage to say to them. Gale doesn't take his eyes off Madge, then he looks at me suspiciously.

"Madge, I went looking for you at your home. To thank you for the morphling." He says dryly. This makes Madge stop laughing. "But your father told me that you ended up getting stuck at Peeta's house during the blizzard." He says.

"That's right." She says.

"The blizzard's over." He points out to her, as if we didn't know that.

"Yeah, I noticed. I'm going back home today. Peeta has been a wonderful host in putting up with me." She starts to unlace a skate and removes it. I start to unlace mine as well. As cool and collected as Madge sounds while addressing Gale, she's clearly nervous because after she removes one of her skates she moves on to my prosthetic leg without noticing and starts to unlace it. This makes me laugh a little. But I don't want to interrupt her little showdown with Gale. She continues. "He even entertained me she points at the ice skates." She starts to pull on the skate on my prosthetic leg. At this point I'm convinced she thinks it's her own leg. I feel the laughter rising out of me, the laughter is coming with so much force that I can't even make out the words to tell her to stop. She looks annoyed at my leg and she finally pulls so hard that she unclips my leg and Madge finds herself not only holding my skate but my leg as well. This makes her send out a deafening scream. I lose it and start to laugh hysterically. She turns to look at me, and then she looks down at her legs finally realizing what she did. And she starts laughing hysterically.

"Madge be more careful!" Katniss screams at her. Her command makes us both stop laughing. She stands and helps me up to my feet. I pull myself up on the counter and Madge grabs my prosthetic and hands it to me. I look at Katniss and I see how uncomfortable she is with the scene she encountered. I forget that she still holds herself responsible for what happened to my leg. I clip it back in place and Madge does a better job of unlacing my skate and removes it.

She eyes me gently "Sorry." She says.

"It's okay. I'm sorry the gang missed your confusion," I say teasing. She scowls at me.

"Anyway." Gale interrupts us forcing us to look back at him and Katniss. "Thank you for the medicine. It made things bearable." He says to Madge.

"You're welcome" She says.

"When did you guys get skates?" Katniss asks. Madge and I stare at each other and we smile.

"I got them last week. Madge and I used to skate together when we were kids. I thought it would be a sweet gesture." I say honestly. Katniss looks uncomfortably at us. She starts to pick at her nails nervously.

"oh" is all she manages to say.

The phone rings and we all jump, I finally feel the growing tension in the room. I answer it and it's the Mayor.

"Madge, it's for you" I pass the phone to her.

"Hi daddy. Yes I'm on my way. I was just talking to Katniss and Gale. But I'm on my way out." She hangs up the phone.

"I'll walk you home." Gale offers.

"No thank you." Madge says without looking at him and she walks out the door without saying bye to anyone. Katniss doesn't even notice because she looks so distracted. I start to worry and wonder if something happened.

"I'm going to head home too. Peeta, Haymitch was looking for you earlier, but he must have not looked in your backyard" she says as she takes a last look at my skates on the floor. She turns around and walks out. Gale lingers behind after Katniss has exited my house. I continue to stare after Katniss.

"The Mayor doesn't mind that his daughter spends the night with you?" he says crassly.

I glare at him and meet his eyes "What can I say, we go way back and we're good friends."

He smiles and says "Must be nice. To have his trust like that."

I nod "She was in good hands." I say.

He laughs. "I'm sure. Convenient too."

"Why don't you shut up Gale." I finally say, I don't like him insinuating anything about Madge, even if it is true.

"Why don't you make me." He challenges me taking a step towards me.

"Gale you're going to need your bow and arrow, and at least a hundred yards between us if you want to take me down. You have none of those things right now. You need to be careful with me, and know when to back off. So back off."

He makes the mistake of pushing me, and I just react without thinking. Before I know it I slam him against the wall by his neck and with my other hand I have his arm in a hold that will likely break it if I don't stop. Suddenly Katniss comes back in the house, wondering why Gale didn't follow her I'm sure.

"Peeta!" She screams and slams into my body. "Let him go! What are you doing! Let him go!" I let go and he actually still tries to charge me but Katniss holds him back. "Gale stop it! Both of you!" Katniss pushes him towards the door "Get out Gale! Go! She turns to me now "What were you thinking!"

"He started it and I asked him to back off. He didn't" I say coolly.

"Peeta. You can't do that. I know this is hard for you, because of me. But you can't lash out like that." She says in a guilty whisper. I look at her and I find myself very annoyed, because it dawns on me just how self involved Katniss can be. I know she has every reason to think what she's saying but it still rubs me the wrong way. I laugh, and this pisses her off. "I'm serious Peeta."

"Whatever Katniss. I don't like lashing out either. Just tell him to stay out of my business and we won't have a problem." I reply bitterly.

"Peeta." She says gently as she puts her hand on my shoulder but I push it away. She looks hurt by this.

"Just leave me alone." I demand. She looks hurt. However, she doesn't move. Seeing that she's not leaving I go for my coat.

"Where are you going?" She asks.

"I'm going to catch up with Madge, make sure she gets home okay." I put my things on and say "you can show yourself out" I close the door behind me.

I catch up to Madge and she can tell something happened so I tell her. She looks concerned and tells me I shouldn't have wasted my energy on Gale. I tell her it was inevitable. After I walk her home I check in on my parents and even help out in the bakery. My brothers tell me that all businesses were closed because of the blizzard. I expected as much and I leave them money. I was going to go see Delly but instead I have an urge to see Madge. I laugh and head towards her house instead. She's surprised to see me so soon but she can't hide her pleased smile. She lets me in.

"Where's your dad?" I ask as she leads me to the kitchen.

"The office, lots of work to do, clean up after the blizzard and all." She says as she jumps on the counter and wraps her legs around my waist. I brush my hands up her arms, feeling that static build up again, and I kiss her. Suddenly the door slams open and Nathan and Silas startle us. We jump back feeling caught. But then I look at their eyes. Something is wrong, horribly wrong because they clearly caught us, but it's insignificant compared to why they're here. Madge and I catch on quickly and approach them.

"What's wrong?" I ask, feeling my heart drumming furiously in my chest.

"Ivy." Is all Silas can say as he catches his breath. And he can't say more. My eyes widen and my shoulders feel a stabbing pain as I feel the fear crawl up my back. He's trying to compose himself and I look at Nathan. There are tears pooling in his eyes. I grab Silas by the shirt and shake him.

"What about Ivy?! What happened?!" I scream at him. He holds on to my fisted hands.

"She's in the clinic. Her father…" Tears escape him and he struggles to catch his breath. I can't wait anymore. I'm running out the door as fast as I can. I can hear them all running behind me trying to catch up.


	12. Chapter 12

I'm running as fast as I can, the freezing cold wind burning my lungs as I breathe it in. I crash through the clinic doors. I see Delly and she's sitting in the waiting area sobbing. She looks up at me.

"Peeta" She says pitifully. Now I fear the worse. She tries to grab me but I step back.

"I don't want to hear it." Is all I can say and I walk away from her too afraid to hear what she has to say, looking around the clinic I continue searching for her. I ask one of the attendants. I don't know how I sound so calm because I'm screaming on the inside. They point me to the Intensive Care Unit. I walk through some doors, and I'm stunned to see Haymitch standing by some windows talking to medical staff. This is bad, Haymitch is here before me, this is really bad. I look past him and focus on the entrance to a room behind him, where Ivy must be.

Haymitch walks towards me, "there you are. I couldn't find you this morning" he says to me in his usual cool tone. I don't look at him and I don't respond. I keep walking without any intention of stopping until I'm inside that room. I'm finally in front of a glass wall and I can look inside. There she is, I'm suddenly frozen to the ground and my knees give out , I have to catch myself against the glass because I am suddenly suffering from vertigo. I feel like the air has been punched out of my body. She's badly beaten, black and blue, and if it weren't for her long red locks of hair, I wouldn't recognize her. I finally look at Haymitch in horror.

"What happened? Was it Snow?" I whisper to him. I'm terrified, was this my fault? I think to myself. Haymitch eyes me with concern. My friends have caught up with me.

"No, no. Her father. He tried to sell her. She was badly beaten by her father and a few other men." I turn to the window and I feel rage running through me. There are tears running down my face and I start to shake uncontrollably. "Thread found them all, and he's now looking for her dad. The Capitol is going to take care of this Peeta."

I feel furious when I hear him say this because I can hear Ivy's words echo in my ears, _You don't get it, I may die anyways. I may be reaped next year, or the year after that. And if I survive that, my father may succeed in killing me yet, or there may be an epidemic and we don't have the medicine. These are our lives Peeta, they always have been!_"

"The capitol is just as responsible for this!" I respond in an angry whisper. Haymitch looks furious.

"Be as it may, her father will pay, and you need to steer clear of this. I know she's your friend." He pleads practically speaking through his teeth. He then goes to grab my arm but I pull away. I start to walk into the room. But he grabs me again. "Peeta I don't want you anywhere near this."

"Go to hell Haymitch." I say without looking at him and I pull away again, determined to keep walking towards the entrance of her room.

He reaches out to me again and grabs a hold of my arm. "There's nothing you can do here Peeta" he tells me sympathetically.

I furiously and violently push him away from me "Get the hell off me!"

Suddenly, Haymitch's hands are clutching at the collar of my shirt "Don't do this! Don't!" he orders me. He pushes me away from the door, no, it's more like he throws me. I charge him and again his hands find the collar of my shirt. "Stop it! Don't! Damn it Peeta!" I struggle to break free of his grip. It's amazing, I know I'm very strong, and yet I can't get Haymitch to budge. "Don't make me knock you out!" he screams.

I see Silas and Nathan running up to us, trying to pull us apart and they finally succeed. Just then, two Peacekeepers walk down the hall and I look past Haymitch.

"Is something the matter here?" one of them asks us.

"No." Just comforting the kid here. He grabs Nathan's shoulder and throws his arm around him.

The peacekeeper turns to us and says "As you already know, there is still one suspect missing but we will find him. She's in the hospital getting the care she needs, this is under control. There's nothing for you to do here." He keeps his eyes on Nathan now.

I feel Silas hand on my back, he nudges me softly.

"Good to hear" Silas says. "We're going to be on our way." I still feel frozen to the ground and I can't take my eyes off Ivy. "Come on." Silas pleads. I glare at Haymitch and I leave reluctantly and completely broken. Delly and Madge bid us farewell outside and I catch Madge staring at me. I look at her and wonder, how the hell we ended up here. I just spent an entire week with Madge, feeling free, and I dare say happy, and in less than twenty-four hours, I am completely broken. Madge leans into me and kisses my forehead.

"If anyone can survive this, it's her." She whispers to me. I look at her and nod.

"Thank you." I reply. Delly and Madge leave together.

I end up at with Nathan and Silas at Nathan's house. Once we're in his room.

"What happened?" I look at the two of them for answers.

"I found her." Says Nathan. I look horrified.

"Where?" I ask.

"In her home. The blizzard had us on lock down. I know Silas told you but Ivy had been keeping her distance. I wanted to go check in on her and see her in person. I decided to stop by the bar first to see if her father was there, and that's when I saw her father and four men sitting around. I overheard one of them say, let's see if she can fight us off next time we try." He holds back a sob. I'm close to hyperventilating hearing him say this. I lose my balance and fall against the wall. Nathan continues "I ran to her house and I knocked and there was no answer. I started to call out her name. I was desperate." He stops to catch his breath. "Her neighbor ran out and told me she had heard terrible sounds and that she had tried to see Ivy after she saw her father and four men leave but there was no answer at the door. I broke down the back door and stormed the house." He starts crying. And part of me doesn't want him to continue. "I finally found her in the basement." He sobs. "At first I couldn't even make out it was her." A terrible sound escapes my throat when I hear this. "Her clothes had been mostly torn off, she was barely wearing anything. And her face…" he starts to cry again. "Her neighbor ran to get the peacekeepers. I couldn't move her, we needed the medical technicians to treat her there, than transfer her to the clinic." I'm completely numb and my tears stop flowing. All I feel is anger. There is silence.

"I'm going to find him." I say.

Then Silas breaks in "We're going to find him before the peacekeepers do." I eye him curiously.

"There's more isn't there?" I ask.

"Yes. Her father found out about the uprising that is under works here in 12." I'm shocked. I take a step back from him. He continues "It's probably why he went after Ivy in the first place."

"Ivy is in on it too?" I ask in disbelief.

"You're going through a lot, and we didn't want to bring more problems into your life." Silas tells me apologetically.

"I would have been on your side. I am on your side." I insist. Suddenly I feel terrible because I've been out of their reach when they needed me.

"Peeta, you are part of it and you don't have a choice." He tells me regretfully. I swallow and completely understand what he's talking about. "Believe me Peeta, I understand why you keep your distance, you and Katniss are helping all the uprisings by just being you." I nod understanding what he's talking about. Snow is in denial; yes, Katniss triggered the explosion of a bomb that was bound to explode. If we detract his attention away from the uprisings, then so be it.

"Okay. But you need me now. We need to find Ivy's father. And we need to silence him." I say coldly.

"Peeta we can't get you in trouble. We need you to stay alive." Nathan insists.

"What's your plan?" I ask him instead. He has no answer. "You agree we need to find him before the Peacekeepers cause he knows about a District 12 uprising, he will tell the Capitol, and they'll spare him and let him go free for that information." I insist.

"We need to find him." Silas agrees.

"I know where to look" I say, I remember Ivy's secret hiding place. She used to hide right under his nose "He's in the bar."

Nathan pulls a box from under his bed. "Ivy was holding on to it in the basement. I opened it, this is how he was making extra money." The box is not particularly big but it holds thousands of little bags full of drugs. He must have been selling them, he must have been moving them along on the monthly trains but with Thread in town he hadn't bought him off just yet.

"We're taking this with us. And we're going to have to be very careful." I say.

It's past two in the morning and we sneak out of Nathan's house carrying this box. No one sees us we're sure of it. We survey the bar and no one seems to be watching it. Silas picks the lock at the bar and we enter quietly. I walk behind the bar and look at the floor. I spot the square that Ivy had pointed out to me years ago. I push down on it and it pops up. I motion Silas and Nathan to come closer.

"Don't hurt me! I have information about a plotted District 12 uprising!" we hear him scream from beneath the floorboards. I look at Silas and Nathan. There is no question that there is only one thing for me to do. I pull the hedge door open and I see a pair of dull eyes looking back at me. I reach down and pull him up by his shirt. And I throw him on the floor. He looks shocked as he looks at the three young men surrounding him.

"I didn't come here to talk to you, or to negotiate anything. You're going to pay." I say simply.

"You'll be caught, and they'll kill you Peeta. You don't think I know the Capitol is gunning for you already. What do you think they'll do if you commit murder." He says to me.

"I'm not going to kill you." I respond. "You're going to serve your sentence in the Capitol away from here. I'm going to make sure the peacekeepers find you." I say innocently.

He starts to laugh. "Do it then, turn me in. I have plenty of information to offer the President himself about his little Victor, like the fact that you've been bedding my daughter for years." He continues to laugh.

I pull out a shirt from my bag and kneel beside him. "Hold him down by the arms" I instruct Nathan and Silas. They do so and he tries to struggle but we easily overpower him. I look him in the eyes and tell him "You're not going to say anything, not ever." I stuff the shirt in his mouth. I then proceed to dislocate his jaw and the shirt helps muffle his screams. I find a knife behind the bar and come back to him. He looks horrified. I pull the shirt out of his mouth, his mouth is hanging wide open. I proceed to cut out his tongue. I have that disconnected feeling again. I'm looking in on this situation and wonder who these people are. Nathan is looking away and Silas is looking at him enraged. I stuff his mouth with the shirt again. I cut his thumbs off for good measure. I put his appendages in a bag and I bury them in his bar. We hold him down until he passes out from shock. We place the box containing the drugs behind the bar where he was hiding. We clean up, covering our tracks, and leave into the dark. It all took less than thirty minutes. We make it back to Nathan's house. When we sneak back in. Nathan makes it to the bathroom right in time. He throws up. We stay up all night, to confirm that peacekeepers didn't track us. The next morning we walk to my parents' bakery. It's close to the town square and we'll find out if Ivy's father was discovered or not. Sure enough, before we even enter the square, the town is buzzing. They found him and he's already on his way to the capitol to serve his punishment. I stop in by the bakery. Buy some bread and leave extra money with my brothers. I head back to Victors' Village. I walk into my house. I collapse to the floor and sob uncontrollably. Breathe, just breathe, I tell myself over and over again.

The next day, I wake up and go to the clinic. I walk inside and make my way to the Intensive Care Unit. I enter the familiar hallway and this time no one is there to stop me. I look through the glass wall and see her. The swelling has gone down dramatically but her face is still black and blue. I walk inside her room, She's sleeping on her side and I see her delicate pale hand sticking out under all sorts of machines and tubes and needles. I sit on a stool next to her bed. I bring my head down to her hand. I kiss it and apologize repeatedly. I press my open mouth into her palm and silently scream into it as I sob uncontrollably. I hear footsteps behind me. I look and I see the gang. They come in without saying a word and we sit there. Refusing to leave her side.


	13. Chapter 13

For weeks, everyone is still in shock over what happened to Ivy's father. Rumor has it that some clandestine drug dealers living in the wilderness, probably drug pushers moving shipments around all of Panem, were the ones that got to him. No talk over anyone in town actually doing this to him, no matter how much he deserved it. I'm thinking about all of this one morning when I see a big truck pull up to Katniss's house. Men start to unload crates. I head outside to ask what is happening. Katniss is outside and approaches us.

"What is this?" she asks.

"For you, wedding gowns." Says the delivery man. Katniss and I stare at each other. She grabs the paperwork signs it and than runs out of the village.

Snow is still going to go through with it. I wonder in disbelief. I look in the direction Katniss has taken off to, I see Katniss running like hell, I can't help but laugh because her escape hurts my feelings a little. I turn around and head towards my house. In the evening, there's a knock at my door. I get up to answer and it's Haymitch. I haven't seen him since our confrontation at the clinic.

"Hey" I say. I move out of the way, signaling him to come in.

He looks at me. "Haven't seen you in a while." He says casually.

"I've been busy." I reply and he eyes me curiously.

"Staying out of trouble I hope." He says.

I look at him as if I don't know what the hell he's talking about.

"You know I managed to get a hold of details of what happened to Ivy's father. His jaw wasn't broken as the rumors say. It was actually dislocated, which, I think immobilized him unable to resist a blade from entering his mouth." He says and I look at him without blinking or showing any emotion as I see the scene replay in my head. "Then his thumbs were cut off, which really leaves him with little options."

"Why are you telling me this?" I ask as I walk away from him.

"I'm just saying, someone clearly didn't want him to talk. I just hope that whoever did this to him, considered that there are other ways to communicate what happened." He looks a little concerned. He pauses but then continues "people can still write without thumbs, hell they can even use their mouth to move a pen around. Have you ever tried?" It's official he has a painful hunch that I'm the one that did it, and he's terrified.

When he says this I stop on my tracks, and I turn around slowly to look at him. As I do, his eyes look scared suddenly, for me of course. "I guess you're right." I say. I pause to study him and I continue "It's too bad Ivy's father didn't know how to read or write." I say to him.

Haymitch looks shocked, horrified really. "You thought of everything didn't you." I just stare at him then walk away. "I've underestimated you." He says.

"Don't stop now, it's given me a lot of space." I say defiantly.

Just then there's another knock on the door. I open it and find Prim standing there. "Ready for dinner at our place?" She looks nervous. Haymitch and I look at each other obviously this is news to us. We follow her out of my house without inquiring. Prim walks ahead of us and then speaks to us over her shoulder "we have company, peacekeepers and I have no idea where Katniss is." Her voice cracks. I feel that painful sensation of fear creeping up my back again. When we walk inside there are two peacekeepers standing around in the kitchen.

"Hey." Haymitch greets Mrs. Everdeen.

"Sorry to move up our dinner plans but they came looking for Katniss and insisted on seeing you two." She says nervously.

"Why do you need to talk to us?" I ask calmly.

"I just wanted to know if you know Katniss whereabouts?" the male peacekeeper asks me. Mocking me almost, as if he knew something I didn't.

"I don't know where she is. Obviously out and about. She has friends in town you know." I say.

"Have you seen her today at all?" He asks.

"Yes, I saw her this morning. I was with her when her wedding gowns arrived this morning." I say honestly.

He then looks at Haymitch. "What about you. Have you seen her today?" he asks.

Haymitch laughs. "No sir, I was passed out all day until about an hour ago." He answers honestly. I smile.

Mrs. Everdeen breaks in. "Well, since the two of you are here I'll start preparing dinner early since we were going to eat together anyways." She turns to the peacekeepers "Would you like to leave her a message?" she asks them.

"No Mrs. Everdeen. We have strict orders to talk to her directly." They insist.

"Okay, but it's not uncommon for her to stay away all day." She says desperately. "but suit yourselves. Please feel free to sit. Can I offer you tea or water?" she offers politely.

I feel Haymitch's hand on my shoulder and I realize that I am trembling. I look at him wide eyed. "Calm down." He tells me. I nod. "Sit down, let's play some chess while we wait for her. She's going to be here. Just wait." I nod and I can't say a word. I'm paralyzed by the thought of Katniss lying somewhere out there. I suddenly get a flash of Ivy and imagine how she must have looked in that basement. Haymitch snaps me out there, as if he can see my thoughts. "Hey, don't go there. That's not happening. Focus here." He says while pointing at the chess board. I comply and I begin the game, and then another one, and then another one, and then another one. Hours go by and still no sign of Katniss. I keep losing every game. Of course I'm losing. I can't take my mind off Katniss. I've already feared the worse and my mind wonders elsewhere, like perhaps she did run off with Gale after all, leaving me behind. Then I look at Prim as she keeps peeking out the window and I realize that she would never leave her behind. Haymitch snaps me out of it. "Hey play the game." He says.

I glance at him, then at the chess board. I start to study the pieces, the queen, the king, then I look at Haymitch, then back at the pieces. Then it hits me; Snow isn't playing a chess game against Katniss. She, like me, is a piece of the game. Obviously, she not just a pawn, she might as well be King. I pick up the King and stare at it. Then I look at Haymitch and I stare at him and say aloud.

"Who's his opponent?" I ask him.

"What are you talking about?" Haymitch responds.

I whisper "Snow. Who is he up against? Because it's not Katniss. She doesn't have that kind of power." I say to him.

He stares at me then laughs. "I have no idea what you're talking about. Now play the game." He insists.

I start to play and focus. As I get closer to my last move, which will win the game, I tell him. "See, Katniss and I are just pieces. Everyone is pulling and pushing us in all kinds of directions. Snow trying to win desperately. So who is he playing against, who's threatening to take us all away from him?" I look at Haymitch in the eye. He meets my eyes and looks back down at the board, he looks like he's thinking hard. Trying to figure out how he can get out of this one. He makes a move and wins again.

"Check mate." He says.

Suddenly the door crashes open and we all jump. Katniss is finally home. I finally breathe, in fact I lean against a wall and take numerous deep breaths. My knees start to shake and I try hard to collect myself because the night is not over and these peacekeepers still have to talk to her. I step out from the room and she sees me. I see her move through the kitchen, and it's like I can't hear what she's saying but I am at the same time. She's going on about some nonsense, how she's trying to get Prim's goat pregnant and went to talk to a Goat man by the Seam. Suddenly the peacekeeper asks her what's in her bag. I stare at her hunting bag and my chest tightens. She dumps the bag and bandages and candy flies everywhere on the counter. I see my reflection in a mirror and I'm surprised to see a smile on my face because I'm terrified on the inside. I observe her carefully and I notice tension as she walks, she's making noise every time she takes a step. She's usually ghostly quiet. I approach her and play along with her story. I'm still so relieved to see her that I get an overwhelming need to hold her, to make sure she' s really here. I tease her a little, and take some candy away from her. I put my arms around her and I can tell that she winces in pain. My eyes widen. I lean in and kiss her gently, she looks at me and she realizes that I know that she's hurt. I move my hands gently and support her in so that she's no longer carrying her own weight.

She finally looks at the peacekeepers and asks them about their imperative message. They tell her that the fence is now fully powered with electricity. It all makes sense now, where she's been, and why she's hurt. I can only imagine what she had to do to get over that damn fence. She mocks them with her responses. Pointing out that she didn't even know we've had no electricity. She's defiant, brazen, and hands their game right back to them, winning triumphantly. The peacekeepers look beyond frustrated.

They finally leave and Katniss lets her body fall completely. I catch her and swiftly lift her in my arms. Her mother runs to us surprised, clearly I was the only one that noticed she was injured.

"I slipped on some ice mom. That's why it took me so long to get back. I banged up my foot real bad and my tail bone isn't doing too well." She tells her mother, clearly lying.

"Can you sit?" I ask her.

"Not until I examine her. Bring her in the bedroom." Mrs. Everdeen instructs me.

I lay her gently on her side. As I do I catch Katniss staring at me.

"You scared the hell out of me I tell her." I grab her hand and kiss it and she presses her hand to my cheek. Mrs. Everdeen asks me to leave the room while she examines Katniss. I step out and Haymitch pets me on the back.

"see everything is as good as it can be." He reassures me. I nod.

After a few minutes Mrs. Everdeen calls me into the room. She asks me to move Katniss into the living room's rocking chair. I go to her and Katniss lifts her arms towards me, with an almost playful smile on her face. It makes me smile.

"I can't believe you think this is funny. Have you any idea how worried I was. How worried we all were" I scold her. She just laughs.

"I'm sorry. Don't be mad. I learned my lesson, my butt hurts and I have a fracture on my heel." She says trying to hold back laughter. I nod. I gently set her on the soft rocking chair.

"Is that soft enough for you?" I ask.

She laughs and covers her face. "Damn this is embarrassing. Yes, it's soft enough." She grabs my face with her hands "I'm starving please I want food." Prim brings her a bowl of lamb stew, and she ends up having three bowls. She eats more than anyone I know. The rest of us sit in the kitchen and actually have dinner.

After dinner Mrs. Everdeen prepares a tea with herbs that will help alleviate her pain.

"Can you rush that along mom, I'm really starting to feel it." Katniss calls from the other room. Upon hearing her I try to soothe her by rubbing her shoulders and running my hand through her hair and I love that she revels in it. Mrs. Everdeen comes in with the tea in hand. She sets it down next to Katniss. Mrs. Everdeen then pulls out a dropper with a purple liquid.

"Hold on sweetheart. You're going to have to take some sleep syrup so that you get some rest and sleep through the remnants of your pain. The herbs aren't morphling." Mrs. Everdeen informs her. I quickly put my hands on Mrs. Everdeen's hand that is holding the dropper.

"Oh, I beg of you, please, let me." I look at Katniss and shoot her the most dazzling smile I can muster. Her eyes double in size. She covers her face.

"Oh no. Peeta!" she protests.

Mrs. Everdeen complies and instructs me to drop three drops in the tea. I do as instructed. I kneel in front of Katniss and grab the cup of tea and bring it to her mouth.

"Drink it up baby." I demand.

"No fair, you're enjoying this." She protests. She grabs the cup from my hand. "Give me that I'll do it." She drinks it fast and sets it down. She scowls at me. And we stare at each other for minutes. A face off so to speak. Suddenly her eyes dance a little bit and her head falls sideways, and I fall over sideways laughing.

"You just shut up, Mellark, shu it." She slurs.

I sit up and stare at her. "You look very cute stoned." I say.

"She's not stoned, she's medicated." Her mother tells us. "Peeta will you carry her to her room and lay her down in bed before she passes out down here."

"Of course." I say.

"no, asoluly not." Katniss protests, and this just makes me laugh. She tries to push me away but I catch her arms and wrap them around my neck and I lift her off the chair. I head upstairs as she rests her head on my shoulder and she continues to say incoherent things. I lay her down on her bed. I bid her good night and kiss her temple but she traps my hand. I kneel next to her bed and look at her.

"Go to sleep" I tell her.

"No. Peeta, I wish you could sleep with me every night." She confesses. I hate this, as much as I love hearing it, I hate it because it makes me cling on to her even more.

"Do you want me to hold you?" I ask.

"Yes, but no, I'm not suppose to want that anymore. Because of Gale. And it wouldn't be right." She explains groggily. There it is, confirms my suspicions, but I need to hear it.

"I thought you had run off with him when you didn't show up." I confess to her. She scowls and brings my hand to her face. She kisses it over and over again.

"No, no Peeta. I could never leave you. I know things are complicated and I look at you and you are tied to so many things, so many things, and I guess I should admit that there's even longing there too." She confesses. I'm shocked to hear her say this and my heart jumps to my throat. I feel tears building up in my eyes. She continues. "But Peeta, it will never win out, that longing for you. It will never win out." She kisses my hand again. The tears start to spill over. I pull her hand towards me and kiss it.

"Katniss go to sleep." I say and I swallow my tears. I start to pull away and she grabs my hand and pulls me towards her again.

"No, no, please stay with me. Stay with me." She begs. Her eyes are now closed. "Please stay with me." I climb in bed with her and she wraps her body to mine. "At least until I fall asleep. Please Peeta. Stay with me." She pleas.

"Always." I say and she's out cold.

I hold her and collect myself. I watch her sleep on her side and I can't help and think of Ivy. If Katniss were in a situation like that, battered clinging on to life in a hospital bed, my heart would die. I would not make it. I'm certain. Then I gently pull away from her. She doesn't wake up. I stand up and I can still feel the warmth of her body on me, more like burned on me. I look back at her and I have to say it, "I love you." Perhaps this way it's no longer inside of me and it won't sting so much anymore. But like my paintings, putting the images on a canvass doesn't reduce the thoughts or images in my mind. I have a strange mix of anger, love, desire, lust, passion, and I don't know what else. I've never experienced anything like this before, it's just all burning me, I'm burning for her. I leave her room and wipe my tears. Downstairs, Haymitch has already gone home. I tell Mrs. Everdeen that Katniss is sleeping soundly. She asks if I wouldn't mind coming by daily to help her move Katniss around. She adds that Katniss would love to see me around the house more often anyways. I agree to return tomorrow morning, bright and early.


	14. Chapter 14

For the next two weeks I'm with Katniss every day. Every day I try to put up walls around my heart, but every day she tears them down with one look, one gesture, one touch. I'm hopelessly devoted to her. I take joy in carrying her from one room to another. Every day I'm unprepared for the effect our physical proximity has on me. Like a fire fanning inside of me, how is it possible that she doesn't feel it. I enjoy watching her smile as I carry her in my arms. Katniss is the least helpless person I know. She's completely capable of saving herself, it's why I admire her so. As much as I love this, a bigger part of me hates that she has to be vulnerable or injured for me to be close to her, because that's really not her nature. Regardless, I relish these moments. I'm happy to sit around talking to her, baking for her, moving her from one room to another. She even asked me to help her with a very personal project she has been working on. Her family has kept a medicinal book, where they add details about herbs. She asks me to draw the plants onto the pages. I'm touched, I'm honored because I feel that somehow my hand will leave a permanent mark in her life through this book. A book that is so dear to her.

She also tells me about the women she ran into in the woods, that they were going to District 13. I'm shocked because it can't be. We agree to keep quiet about it. I don't know what to make of the situation. A part of me is terrified for the people of Panem, another part of me is thrilled that a nationwide uprising is in the works, and a part of me nervous and hopeful that there may be an elusive District 13 in the outskirts, waiting to swoop in and save us. I think about me and Katniss getting married and I hope that we have Snow's full attention so that the Districts can keep organizing themselves. It's funny, we're suppose to distract the districts but we're also distracting him. Even though he's attacking the districts he's not fully paying attention. But a part of me knows there is so much more to all of this.

With each passing day I catch her looking at me. Studying me. I see her staring at me out of the corner of my eye or sometimes she looks down, pretending to work on something else but I can see that she's hiding her gaze underneath her thick eyelashes. It takes all my will power to suppress the warm smile spreading across my heart. I wonder what she's thinking but I don't ask. One day she asks that I move her to a den in the house. I carry her and as we enter this room, we are startled by the large boxes spread throughout the room. The boxes have been uncovered and inside stand six bridal gowns. The dresses that the Capitol sent her. We stand frozen. I'm honestly horrified at the site of them. I feel her gaze on me.

"Peeta." She calls to me.

I turn to look at her, I had actually forgotten that she was in my arms "Yeah?'

"What are we going to do?" She asks.

I think of my friends of the brewing rebellions and if our wedding distracts Snow then so be it. "I guess we get married." I reply simply.

She looks away and looks at each one. "My mom must have opened the boxes to air them out. I didn't know they were in here, I had actually forgotten about them." She says.

"Let's get out of here." I say. I take us back to the living room.

Once in the living room I sit down on the sofa and I position Katniss so that she's resting her back on the arm rest allowing her to stretch her legs out over mine. We start to talk about the book and we list the plants she wants to work on. I show her my sketch book and start making note of her descriptions. We work for about an hour and I start to feel tired. I look at her and see the dark circles under her eyes.

"Have you been sleeping at all?" I ask her.

"You know how it goes." She replies. "You look tired" she says as she reaches to touch my face and she runs her fingers under my eyes.

"yeah. I've been struggling." I say, thinking of everything I've been through this past month from my friends to her.

"I heard about what happened to your friend." She says. I look at her and realize she's talking about Ivy. "I'm sorry. I hear in town that she's doing better. I also heard what happened to her father." She continues.

"Yeah, I haven't had a chance to see her." I say nervously and regretfully. "Her father is paying now, in the Capitol no less." I don't add anything more because I don't want to talk about any of it with her. I don't want to give myself away. "Would you like me to let you sleep?" I offer changing the subject.

She looks at me sheepishly. "I am tired but you don't have to leave, I'd hate for you to leave only to return in an hour cause I doubt I'll sleep much." She says.

I lean into her and brush her hair behind her ear "It's no bother. I'll let you sleep." I insist. I'm about to leave but she grabs my hand.

Without looking at me she pleads "will you stay with me… hold me." Then she gathers the nerve to look at me. I can't deny her anything. So I move behind her and wrap my arms around her. She leans her body into me and we both exhale simultaneously.

"Thank you" she says. "I've been so tired."

"Me too." I respond.

In a matter of minutes we fall asleep. We are woken up by a bitter voice. I open my eyes and see Gale standing by the door.

"You have to be fucking kidding me!" he says. I look at Katniss and she's glaring at him. I look at the wall and then at the clock. We ended up sleeping soundly for hours. "You want to explain baker boy?" He asks me for some reason.

I give him a confused look "Yeah, we were sleeping." I say plainly. I start to move as gently and as slowly as possible. I proceed to ignore him completely. "Katniss, I'm going to get up so be careful, I don't want to hurt you." I shift her body gently and I'm up on my feet. Then I look at her "do you want to sit up?"

"yes please. You can sit me on the rocking chair." She says.

I'm about to lift her in my arms and Gale actually pushes me away from her.

"I can do that!" he shouts at me.

"Gale!" Katniss protests. "What the hell is wrong with you, he's only helping me!"

I can't help but laugh and Katniss has to hold Gale back by clutching on to his arm.

"No, no, it's alright. He's right he's here now, he wants to help out. I'm going to leave you two alone." I say. I start to walk away and turn my back towards them

"Yeah, you do that." He says to me, but he doesn't end things there he continues "Hey I see that your frozen pond is clear of snow, why don't you get your good friend Madge to come skate with you." The moment I hear Madge's name I freeze. He continues "Maybe you'll get lucky again and she'll get snowed in so that you two can entertain each other again on end and to your heart's content." He says at me.

I turn back around "Why don't you shut your mouth Gale." I am furious, how dare he talk about her like that. Especially after how he treated her.

"Gale! You have no right to talk about her like that! She's my friend and Peeta's my friend!" Katniss protests.

"Oh yeah, she a great friend." He says cynically and crassly.

"I'm warning you Gale." I threaten him.

"Peeta, just go, please." She starts to look concerned at me. I ignore her and walk up to Gale. "You don't talk to me about Madge, you don't get to talk to anyone about Madge." I glare at him. "I mean it." I say and he stays quiet and he looks at me sickly. "I'll see you tomorrow Katniss." I add and I turn around without looking at her. I can't believe him. He's clearly suspicious about what happened between me and Madge but he actually wants to use it against me. He won't though, because he knows that if he does, Madge will tell Katniss about her affair with Gale. I don't care if Katniss finds out about us, I'm not trying to protect myself, I'm trying to protect Madge. For one, I know Madge loves Katniss and that her affair with Gale left her feeling very guilty but then Gale should feel just as guilty if not more. But instead, he's trying to bring me and Madge under. What he did is worse, because Katniss loves him, he betrayed that, I didn't. I'm furious.

The next morning I show up at Katniss's house a little later than usual. When I enter her bedroom I see her looking out her window staring at my house.

"Hey." I call out to her.

She's startled. "Hey." Then she smiles. "I was starting to think you weren't going to come by… because of yesterday." She says

I laugh. "I'll stop coming by when you ask me to stop coming, not when Gale wants." I assure her. I walk towards her and she throws her arms around me with her eyes fixed on mine. I feel butterflies in my stomach and I smile at her. I lift her in my arms. "Ready?" I ask.

"Ready." She replies with a smile.

Once we're downstairs I set her down on the sofa and we begin to work. We don't move for hours. I continue to sense her eyes on me, studying me. I become aware that I go into a trance as I draw and during this time she sits silently, studying me. After some time she begins to look uncomfortable.

"You in pain?" I ask her.

"Peeta will you hand me a pillow" she requests giggling. I guess her tail bone is still sore. I reach for a pillow and she tries to lean back but can't quite manage it.

"Let me help." I say. She bends her knees so that I can stand up again and without really thinking I grab her waist and easily lift her off the sofa so that her torso is off the sofa. I look at her eyes and realize that I startled her. "Sorry. I should have told you what I was going to do. Did I hurt you?"

She stares at me trying to find words. "It's fine." She says nervously and I swear I see her blush. She quickly grabs the pillow sets it underneath her and I gently set her back down. I sit back down on the sofa, and she comfortably throws her legs over my own. She hands me her family book and we begin to work again.

I like how lost she gets in her explanations of these life saving plants. I can tell that it means everything to her. I also enjoy learning something new every day. I use my sketch book and draw her descriptions and I work on them until they meet her approval.

"Don't be afraid to be a hard critic. We don't want to poison anyone." I say jokingly. we laugh at the idea but I stop immediately because I think of Foxface. I continue to draw and let myself get consumed by the drawing. I realize that I have been working non-stop for I don't know how long and Katniss hasn't made a sound. I turn to her and I'm taken aback when I see the expression on her face. Total concentration as she looks at me. Has she been staring at me the whole time?

I finally ask her. "What are you looking at?"

She blushes and looks away. "Hum, nothing… I was just lost in thought." She replies nervously.

"What were you thinking?" And I gently nudge her chin towards me so that she looks at me again. The moment my finger graces her chin I feel a spark and this makes her look right at me nervously.

"Your eyelashes are really long." She says nervously. I start to study her face closely and I can't stop staring at her lips. I force myself to look at her eyes.

"You were staring at my eyelashes this whole time?" I reach out and brush her lose strands of hair behind her ear. Once again I feel a spark when my finger touches her. She takes a deep breath and looks me in the eyes again. I start to feel a pull towards her.

"They're just so long." She starts to sound like she's out of breath. She laughs nervously and tries to compose herself. "So impossibly long." She says again.

"I never noticed" I whisper to her, I don't know why I'm whispering.

She smiles "Yeah, they are." She whispers back. "I wonder how they don't get all tangled up." She laughs nervously.

"No one had ever pointed that out. Maybe no one had ever noticed." I say honestly, still in a whisper.

"I did. I noticed." She says in a breathy whisper.

"When did you first notice?" I ask her, and I suddenly realize that we are inching closer and closer with every word we say.

"I don't know, a long time ago." She says and she actually reaches out to touch my face. I press my cheek to her hand and I kiss her palm. "I have been looking for a long time, a very long time… since the bread." She says breathlessly. I don't know how we ended up here but her face is right in front of mine. I can breathe her breath. I nudge my nose to hers and outline it with mine. This makes her close her eyes and press her forehead to mine. I just let that magnetic pull take me and right as our lips are about to touch we hear a door slam shut. We jump startled and now find ourselves pulled apart. In walks Gale, completely disappearing this moment from existence. He walks into the room without looking at me.

"Hey Catnip." He says sweetly, flashing her a smile then he walks to her and kisses her on the lips. Katniss looks startled by him and is left speechless she can't even look at me. I look away from the two of them.

"Well I'm going to leave the two of you alone." I stand up and I can't get away soon enough. I feel my heart break all over again as I exit her house and walk down the street. What the hell was just about to happen? Did I imagine it? I stop for a second and take a deep breath. I'm about to enter my house but I hear him.

"Mellark." Gale calls out to me. I turn around and see him standing at the bottom of my steps.

"What?" I say coolly.

"You're not playing nice. I saw what almost happened in there." He says truthfully. I get it now, he must have walked in saw us but went back to slam the door to stop it, thus allowing him to avoid the reality of it with her. Clever move. I take a moment to think about how I feel about this before I say anything to him. So I'm completely honest.

"I'm sorry. I didn't see it coming. Her and I, we have a connection, and we got pulled into it. And you're right I need to respect your relationship. I apologize." I say sincerely.

He stares at me. "You fucked it all up for me, for her, for us. Do you know how unfair that was?" he protests.

"Yeah, I do. And I'm sorry." I say sincerely. "Gale my intentions were to die out there, to help her win the Game. I had no intention of coming back. I knew she'd come back to you. She did. Only I was left standing too. And I'm sorry that it worked out like that. I'm sorry that we're now bound together. But you have nothing to worry about. At the end of it all, her connection to me is bound to horrors you can't even imagine." I say sincerely. He just stares at me and nods.

"If you're lonely seek one of your town girlfriends out; Delly, Ivy, Madge or who ever. I don't give a fuck but leave Katniss alone." He tells me.

"there it is again." I say in disbelief and I'm angry again. "There it is again, just say it. What's on your mind, what's bothering you more? My near kiss with Katniss or the fact that I had sex with Madge?"

He stares angrily at me. "so you admit it, you had sex with her." he says.

"Yeah, I admit it. But it's not for the sick reasons you're thinking about. We are friends, we were heartbroken, me over Katniss and she over you. It just happened. We didn't plan it, yes it was out of consolation but we care about each other. We are friends through and through and I am not going to let you put her down. Especially not because she was foolish enough to fall for you." I tell him.

"What would Katniss think about that?" he asks.

I laugh feeling frustrated. "I don't know only one way to find out." When he doesn't respond, I continue, "At the end of it all, Katniss would understand Madge because she would understand that she acted out of love and because she wanted something serious with you. And that's all that matters. I don't know what she would think of your reasons for using Madge as jus a sex object."

"You don't know anything." He shoots back when I say this about Madge.

"Look at that, I hit a nerve." I smile. "You're right I don't know anything because if it were just sex you wouldn't be acting like a jealous fool over Madge. But then you'd have to explain to Katniss why you turned to Madge on two separate occasions and sure as hell treated her and made her feel like nothing more than a piece of meat." I say to him.

"What about you, how do you fair in this whole triangle?" He asks me. "You think you're going to come out looking shiny and clean like Katniss's pedestal boy." He adds.

"I don't know. I honestly don't. But it can't be as bad as you, because she loves you. She doesn't love me." I tell him truthfully. It hurts like hell to say it but it's the truth. I finally turn around and go into my house. He didn't have anything else to say to me.


	15. Chapter 15

The next day I'm a little nervous about seeing Katniss after what happened the previous day. I didn't get much sleep and it wasn't because of my ever present nightmares but because I was trying to figure out what compelled Katniss to respond to me the way she did. I replay the moment over and over again in my mind. I'm not making it up, my physical proximity had an effect on her, and she responded by reaching out. There is no doubt in my mind, we felt that magnetic pull towards each other, we were practically lip to lip and I know that she wanted to kiss me. The question is why? What changed? Has anything changed? I've seen her stare at me for long periods of time these past two weeks, I've noticed her blush several times when I carry her in my arms. I snap out of these impossible questions. Haymitch would simply state that it's just our damn raging hormones. She's attracted to me, it's that simple, it's not more complicated than that really. Coming to this conclusion helps me get up and walk over there.

When I walk into her bedroom she looks up at me and instantly blushes. I can't help but laugh and this makes her blush even more.

"Peeta…" she says pitifully and I have to suppress my rage. I hate it when she talks to me like that or looks at me like that so I interrupt her.

"Katniss no." I say sharply and she stares at me wide eyed. "You don't have to say anything. You don't have to explain about what happened… what almost happened yesterday." I look at her for a moment and she still looks tense. "We had a moment, we've been spending so much time together these past couple of weeks. We've been liking each other's company." I walk towards her bed and sit on the edge. I take a moment to think of what I'm trying to say, I stare at the ground for a bit but then turn to look at her.

"I just don't want there to be any confusion." She says simply. I'm a little taken aback.

"Confusion about what?" I ask.

"About you and me…" she says abashedly.

Suddenly the words I'm trying to look for reach my lips "No, there's no confusion. I know exactly what you mean to me, and I know exactly what I am not for you." She winces when I say this. "Don't get me wrong, I'm not reproaching you for it. It's nothing new." She looks away from me and my gaze follows her, I boldly reach out with my hand and gently nudge her chin back towards me so that she looks at me. "Since that is clear, yesterday, we almost kissed for a very simple reason." I state plainly.

She gives me a serious look "What is that?" she asks.

I laugh a little "Katniss, on top of all my feelings for you, I'm physically attracted to you." I smile at her. She smiles. I continue. "And - you're attracted to me." I say. She raises her gaze to me and blushes a little. "and that's all that there's to it." I finish.

Katniss takes a deep breath and looks around the room then at me.

"Did Gale apologize to you yesterday about the other day?" she asks changing the subject, which is fine because there is nothing more to say about it.

I'm surprised to hear her say that "Apologize?" I ask quizzically.

"Yesterday after you left he said he was going to apologize to you for the other day. Did he?" she starts to sound angry.

I laugh and think of how his apology was really a reproach and jealous tirade instead. "Yes, yes, he set out to do what he wanted" I say.

She looks at me with a scowl. "That's not really an answer to my question. What the hell did he say? Did he fight with you again?" she asks.

"Katniss, he doesn't trust me, for good reason." I say and she's about to protest but I interrupt her "Katniss. Let's be honest, look at what almost happened yesterday. If I were him I wouldn't trust me either."

"Peeta you can't be serious." She protests. "I trust you with my life – you don't set out to hurt people." She says.

I smile at her "Be that as it may – it doesn't change the fact that I turned his life upside down. Not on purpose." I laugh but continue. "Katniss if it's complicated for you and me, imagine what it's like for him and me." I pause. "Look he may not have apologized but I did, because I owed it to him." I say.

"Did you tell him about yesterday?" she asks concerned and I have to admit this hurts, her concern over whether he finds out about what happened, hurts.

"No, I didn't tell him." But I don't tell her about the fact that he saw the moment himself. I feel like it's not my business to disclose his feelings to her, it's none of my business. "Anyway, maybe he will apologize down the line. In the meantime, we had a long overdue conversation. Now are you ready to go downstairs?"

"Yeah. Mom's been making walk in the evening, I'm getting better. This should probably be the last day you hold me... I mean, carry me." She corrects herself. I pretend that I didn't catch her mistake.

"Okay, I'd love to keep helping you with your book." I say hiding my disappointment.

"Of course!" she says earnestly.

When I get home in the evening, I find Silas and Nathan waiting for me in my house, and they prepared dinner. I welcome their presence and their dinner since I graciously turned down Katniss's dinner invitation.

"This is a pleasant surprise." I say sincerely. They smile at me. "How about those ears?" I say casually referring to the hearing devices in my living room.

"I moved them." says Silas. Nathan finishes brining food into the living room.

"How are you guys?" I ask them.

"Fine. Busy" Nathan replies. "we know you were busy, we heard Katniss got hurt. Is she okay?" They ask.

"Yeah, she got caught outside in the forest, right before Cray turned the power on the fence's wires. She had to climb a tree and jump a long way down. She broke her foot and bruised her tailbone. I was so scared when she wasn't turning up. Poor thing." I laugh warmly. "I had to carry her from one room to another for two weeks." I say.

"Poor baby." I hear the voice behind us. The three of us jump and look behind us. Before us stands Ivy. She's like an apparition. I haven't been able to get the image of a battered Ivy from my mind, I was afraid that it would consume every other beautiful memory I share with her, yet here she is, looking almost back to her old self. Poker face and all.

"Ivy." I whisper. I jump over the sofa and walk towards her. I open my arms ready to engulf her but she takes a step back and stares at my arms sternly, as if that is out of the question. It hurts, her rejection hurts. So I bring my arms back to my sides. "Ivy. I didn't know you were coming over."

"We didn't either." Silas assures me, I turn to him and Nathan and nod.

"Is that where you've been this past month? Carrying poor Katniss around her house cause she rolled her ankle?" She asks bitterly.

I wince when I hear her reproach so I confront it. "That's not why you came here Ivy." I say calmly. "I didn't go see you because Haymitch wanted me to stay away from the situation." I say, full well knowing that is why she came to see me. To find out where the hell I've been.

"The situation?" She says bitterly. "Is that what I am, a situation? Never mind don't answer that." She says.

I start to feel tears jump to my eyes because I do feel like shit that I couldn't be with her. "I wanted to be there. I tried but I found out about what you're all involved in. I didn't want to call attention to you more than you were already getting. I did it to protect you." I find myself pleading. But I realize how stupid it sounds. Protect her? I stayed away and she was right, if it's not one thing it's another. "I'm so sorry" as I let an exasperated sob escape me and the tears begin to run.

Suddenly I hear Nathan interrupt us and he comes up from behind landing his hand on my back.

"Ivy. He came to you when you were hospitalized. More like ran actually." He begins to plead in my defense. Ivy scowls at him. He continues "He was like a mad man Ivy. Haymitch didn't let him see you, he physically fought Haymitch, in front of peacekeepers because he wouldn't let him see you. He tried." He tells her.

I feel the desperation I felt all over again as I replay the scene in my head. "I'm so sorry Ivy, I thought…" I don't know what I want to say I just know that I thought she was safe being far away from me. "You were right – I completely disregarded all the other threats you've had to live with." I say to her.

She meets my eyes and her emerald green eyes are burning angry. "They didn't rape me if that's what you're afraid of." She spits the words at me. I actually jump at hearing this because yes, I've been so afraid that she was violated like this that I haven't dared ask anyone. But it's not at all what I was thinking of at the moment. All I can do is nod. "They tried, but I fought back and I hurt one of them pretty badly." She starts to sound panicked. "The doctors confirmed that there was no trauma…" She can't even finish her sentence. "As for the rest of me, well – I guess you saw me." She says plainly.

I am having a hard time looking at her in the eye because I am ashamed, I've been hurting so much over what happened to her that I've actually avoided her because it was going to be too hard on me. Yes, Haymitch forbid me from getting too close to Ivy's situation but I could have gone over his head. Hadn't I done it to sleep with her, so why couldn't I keep this from him, especially when she needed me so badly. "I'm so sorry." I cry, and I can't even look her in the eye.

I know she feels my guilt but it only angers her more, it should anger her. "Yes well I can understand that you were busy carrying Katniss around from one room to another. Poor thing." Then she starts laughing eerily. "Wow you're pathetic, how thrilled you must have been to steal that proximity with her. Take advantage of her mild injury. Thank you broken ankle or whatever…" She says cruelly. She's going for my open wound and she knows it. I make no attempt to suppress my tears but I do laugh at her last statement. I nod in agreement, I am pathetic. She finally composes herself and her expression softens a little. "Anyway. I came to thank you." She adds, and this makes me look at her, I realize that I need some kind of approval from her, anything that tells me I'm not as low as I feel. "I know it was you that found him, caught him, and…" she takes a deep breath. "well you know what you did." She says calmly.

"How did you know?" I ask her because Silas and Nathan agreed that we wouldn't tell anyone.

"You were the only person I told about that trap door behind the bar. That it was my only safety all those years ago, until my father discovered me in it. He didn't even know it was there until then." She says "Anyway, you just confirmed it. I came to thank you." She turns around to leave.

I cry out to her. "Ivy" I can't let her leave like this but I know I have nothing to give. My situation or the threat that comes with me hasn't changed. She turns to look at me, I finally see tears in her eyes and I'm completely unprepared for the longing I still see in them.

She walks towards me and she brushes my lips with hers. My hands race to hold her face, which still holds some traces of her injury. I sob into her mouth. She pulls back and looks at me sadly. "You broke my heart." She says sadly. Her tears spill over and soft sobs escape her and she turns around and walks out. I feel broken, completely broken. Thankfully, Nathan is there to catch me as I fall back. He actually has to physically hold me up as I control my sobs. It takes me a while to compose myself.

"She's hurt, and she's not being completely fair." Silas tells me. "I'm going to talk to her when she's ready." He insists.

"Don't bother Silas. She has every right to feel this way because she is right. I abandoned her. It's for the best anyway. I've been wanting her to let go of the idea of me and this ought to do it."

"She's not going to hate you, but she will hate herself if she doesn't see the situation for what it was." He insists. We sit eerily and uncomfortably quiet for a really long time until Silas breaks the silence.

"So this is totally not the right time to ask…" Silas says with that special playful tone only he can deliver in the most inappropriate of times. I actually feel laughter rising out of me.

"What?" I say, sounding surprisingly curious knowing full well that I'm going to regret encouraging him.

"On that hellish and nightmare of a day, when we found you at Madge's house…" he says with a grin on his face. I cover my mouth in awe of his bad timing; he lives for these moments. He continues. "Don't think we didn't register that compromising position we found you guys in." he says and Nathan starts laughing and I'm trying my hardest to suppress my own laughter because this is not the time to discuss it.

"What about it?" I try to say calmly.

He smiles "How did you manage that? Madge is the most uptight –" he stops to think for a minute "Hands down biggest prude ever. So imagine my surprise when I crash through her door and find her clawing at you" The laughter escapes me and I start laughing so loud. So he has to shout louder to make sure I hear him "with her legs wrapped around your waist! – What do you have to say for yourself?!" he says and Nathan is laughing so hard he can't even breathe.

I finally take a deep breath and simply say "I'm an asshole guys. A huge asshole."

"You are if you don't give us the details." He insists.

"First thing is first." I clarify. "I'm not cheapening what happened between me and Madge. We're friends, good friends."

"Clearly" Silas says slyly. I glare at him.

"Silas you were right, there's a guy in town that broke her heart." I say.

"I knew it, she's been moping around since the Games." He says. "Who is it?"

"I can't say. Anyway, I wanted to cheer her up, since I know a thing or two about heartbreak myself, so I bought her ice skates. One day after she delivered some morphling for Gale, while he was staying with Katniss after the whipping. We ended up skating. That was the day the blizzard hit."

"Before we were all forced to stay indoors?" Nathan interrupts me.

"Yes." I reply and his eyes get huge.

"Did she have to stay here?!" he replies and Silas's jaw drops.

"She ended up stranded here." I say.

"For the full five days of the lockdown?" Silas asks in disbelief. Both of them are practically in my face.

"Yes." I say sheepishly. They're just staring at me in awe.

Silas shakes his head in disbelief "Hold on a fucking a minute! Are you telling me something more happened than that kiss we saw at her house!?" He demands to know. I nod yes, I'm starting to feel self-conscience by the way they're acting. They both fall over in unison and begin to wail on the ground in disbelief, all sorts of obscenities escape their mouths.

'Fuck Peeta!" Silas finally sits up and shakes me by the shoulders.

"What?!" I ask defensively. "You're all acting like this is the first time any of us have sex!"

"You had sex with Madge!?" they say in unison and in total shock.

"Yeah." I say, surprised that they haven't caught on yet. "What's the big deal?" I say

"It's Madge!" they both cry out in unison. I'm startled by their reaction.

"Are you guys mad that I had sex with our friend?" I ask feeling a bit confused.

"No, we're just fucking jealous!" Nathan says honestly. I look at him in shock. He continues "This is Madge, sweet, angelic Madge…" he explains. "She's fucking beautiful." Silas nods in total agreement. I smile and nod in agreement too.

"How was it?" Silas asks curiously.

"It was pretty fucking amazing – I mean for five days…" They cut me off when they hear me say this and they fall over again and resume their obscenities. I finally start to laugh uncontrollably. We all end up on the floor laughing so hard until our bodies ache.

"It's just not fair. And I say this with nothing but respect because they are my friends and I love them to death. You got the red head and the blonde." Nathan tells me bitterly.

"Don't forget the brunette." Silas says laughing. Nathan laughs too. But I stay quiet.

"No, I didn't get the brunette." I say sadly. And for some reason I feel tears creeping back up. I sit there, on the floor between my friends, with my head buried against my knees feeling full or regret, remorse, unrequited love, lust, passion, and how are all these emotions supposed to matter in the midst of a living condition that may kill us all. It's all just too much for me.


	16. Chapter 16

The next week feels stir crazy. I feel more depressed than I have felt in a long time. I'm getting random flashback and my night terrors are increasing. I'm avoiding my friends. And even though Katniss has come around looking for me to help her work on her book I find myself turning her down. For some reason I feel like I can't take it, the weight of surviving the games feels like it's compressing me and I'm having a hard time finding the light in the end of the tunnel. I force myself out of bed and I force myself to eat too. I've continued baking but only to diminish suspicion that there may be something wrong with me. One morning, the mere action of kneading the dough turned me into a sobbing mess. The idea of having to finish baking just one loaf of bread was overwhelming and I felt like it was all too much for me. When I calmed down, fear set in, I'm scared of feeling this hopelessness. I've never felt it before and it weights down my soul. I decide to pull myself out of my house and visit my father. My visits with him always feel warm and it's as if my mind is transferred to a time when I believed I could be safe. He's concerned about me, he feels guilty about not living with me, he's concerned about my relationship with Katniss, and he's also concerned about the Capitol find out about my personal life. I assure him that they're not looking at me like that, I'm not the one under the microscope and that perhaps the fact that my family lives away from me somehow keeps them out of Snow's reach. My mother showed up and I felt like I was going to start tensing up so I bid my father farewell and left without looking at her.

I see Delly sitting on her front steps reading through a book. I smile seeing her. I walk over to her.

''Hey Delly." I say.

She looks up at me and smiles. "Hello there." Then her smile gets even bigger.

"What?" I ask her.

She extends her hand out to me for me, when I reach out to her, she pulls me down next to her. "Do you realize that since you came back from the Games, you and I have had no one on one time." She looks at me.

I stop to think about what she's saying and she's completely right. "You're right – How did that happen?" I really think hard.

"Hmm – lots going on." She smiles and leans her head on my shoulder. "I miss you."

"I miss you too. You're the closest thing I have to a sister." I say honestly.

"Maybe that's why – our connection is threatened by anything or anyone. No matter what happens, you're family and I'm always on your side." She says whole heartedly.

I look her in the eye and I am totally touched by this, she's right, she is family to me. I don't even think about it, kind of why I don't really see my real family either. I look away from her and stare at the ground and I feel tears coming to my eyes. She sees this and she wraps her arms around my shoulders, pressing her head on my shoulder.

"It's okay Peeta. I mean it's not but it is what it is. What matters is that you're alive and I'm here to help you figure out what that means." She says sympathetically.

I take a deep breath. "It's not all right – I don't want to take anyone for granted just because I'm a Victor. If I do that, if I become that person, I really did lose myself." I say wiping away my tears.

"You look exhausted, and I'm not just talking sleep deprived." She points out to me as she runs her hand through my hair.

"I'm tired of everything." I whimper. "I'm tired of not sleeping, I'm tired of seeing the other Tributes throughout my days, I'm tired of seeing how we all live." I spread out my arms to point out the District. "I'm tired of missing my old life, I'm tired of missing you guys, I'm tired of feeling the way I do about Katniss and the fact that it doesn't seem to let up." I stay quiet for a second but Delly doesn't say anything she just keeps stroking her fingers through my hair and I think she knows I have more to say. "I've been forcing myself to do everything this week, get up, shower, eat, bake. Today I tried to bake bread in the morning and it was so exhausting." I take a deep breath because I feel the sadness suffocating me again. "I thought – what's the point? Then – I actually thought – the thought – I don't want to live anymore, actually crossed my mind." My hands are trembling now and Delly holds me tight and at this moment I feel like her arms are the only thing keeping me together.

"You can't give up Peeta. I can't tell you why you shouldn't, it's just a feeling I have." She tells me and I can hear that she's crying. I place my hand on her cheek. "I can't begin to really feel what you're going through after what you survived. Be patient, give it time. It hasn't even been a year since the Games. Who knows - you have an entire lifetime ahead for you to cope with this." She says whole-heartedly.

"I don't have a future Delly, it appears that my future will be designed by Snow." I say feeling totally dejected.

"If you marry Katniss. Peeta – she may be forced to admit how she feels about you." She says to me.

I start laughing. "Delly!" I pull away and look at her in disbelief. "Don't tell me a part of you buys into this star crossed lover thing. You know the back story better than anyone. Hell, the Capitol would pay to know what you know." I continue to laugh.

She scowls and moves to the step behind me and she positions herself so that I'm sitting between her legs and I can lean into her. She rests her arms around my shoulders and then she starts to talk into my ear. "Peeta. Listen to me. She cares about you and it's not just appreciation."

"Yea right." I laugh. "Look at the most, she finds me attractive and she's even attracted to me, nothing hormones can't do for anyone. Spend enough time with someone and of course you're going to think they're interesting." I laugh at the thought.

"I spent every single day with you for 16 years and I never once felt attracted to you physically, sexually, or romantically. And I am positive that you have never looked at me that way." She says confidently. I stop to think about it and she's right. I've never looked at her like that, I never could. She's family.

"But you're family." I say smugly.

"I guess. But look, I've seen how she looks at you. I've never seen her look at Hawthorne that way." She says.

"You're way off Delly. She's in love with him." I say plainly. "I know that for a fact."

"Peeta – I'm sure she loves him, but certainly not the way you love her." She stops and laughs for a second. "You know a few years ago, Stella, remember Stella?" she asks me and I nod yes. "Stella approached Katniss and plainly asked her what was going on between her and Gale." She laughs. "Katniss looked utterly confused and she whispered, we hunt. Stella then pointed out to her that she knew that but were they an item. Katniss looked terrified. And disgustedly answered no!" She starts to laugh. "Then Stella practically called her an idiot since Gale was the most beautiful boy in school and that he was wasted on her. Katniss just walked away from us completely annoyed. I bet you it hadn't occurred to Katniss that Gale was handsome until Stella pointed it out to her." She keeps laughing.

"So she's a little slow is noticing the obvious, she's preoccupied. I promise you, she noticed, and now they are so much more. They completely depended on each other for so long. They have a bond, they have a relationship. They love each other Delly." I say feeling defeated.

"I don't buy it. He's crazy about her you can see it all over his face, Katniss is indifferent. As for their relationship – that's just Katniss being practical, she may be an introvert but we all know that she's practical. I think a part of her always believed that she was just going to end up with Gale." She says to me.

"So you agree with me?" I say laughing since that reality has been the whole center of my argument.

"Don't you get it? She feels duty towards Gale, loyalty even. The two are probably as close as you and I are. But that's not love Peeta, it's not the kind of love you have for her. She's so… I don't know, sad? Is that the right way to say it? She has lost all hope of having or even understanding the kind of love you have for her. If she wants Gale it's because she understands that, he is a practical choice to her. You on the other hand…" She starts to laugh.

"What about me?" I ask.

"She looks at you and she looks scared." She says.

I think about what she says but maybe in another time this would cheer me up, right now however, I know all too well that Katniss, for whatever reason doesn't want me. So I change the subject. "You know if we still had arranged marriages I have no doubt my mother would have arranged our marriage the day after, no I take it back, the day you were born."

"That's sad, I'd have to marry a boy that is desperately in love with someone else." She says.

"It's okay, I would still have sex with you." I say.

She pushes my head away. "You would you monster." She says.

"You'd like it." I say teasingly.

"I'm sure. Then I'd be dealing with the fall out Madge and Ivy went through." She points out to me.

"What!?" I ask almost jumping to my feet. But she holds me down.

"Now, now, take it easy." She says.

"Shit – How did Ivy find out?" I ask.

"Madge confessed. The three of us were hanging out. Ivy was angry and lashing out all sorts of obscenities your way and Madge got protective of you. She told Ivy that you cared for her deeply, that you even loved her. That's when Ivy just confronted her about what was being said in town, that she was left stranded at your place…" She says, leaving the thought linger in the air without saying what the town has been saying.

"Are there rumors about that?" I ask.

"Yes. How they got started is beyond me. Everyone was on lockdown how anyone found out Madge wasn't at home is beyond me." She says.

"I know exactly who started it… Asshole!" I protest.

Delly stares at me "I'm not even going to ask." She says. "Anyway. Ivy inquired about that extended sleepover and Madge looked furious. She just put it all out there." She says and I sink my head into my hands. "She called Madge all sorts of names, called her a traitor, called her a terrible friend - to her, to you, even to Katniss!" She takes a moment to breathe. "Then Madge was really pissed. She told her to shut her big mouth because she couldn't possibly understand what led to the two of you to turn to each other. AND more importantly, that she wasn't going to apologize to her. She was sorry that it hurt Ivy, but she couldn't regret that it happened, and that it was no one's business but yours and hers, especially because it was fucking amazing." She stops for a second to let me absorb it all. "Her words not mine." She adds.

"I don't like that they fought because of me." I say feeling terrible. Madge doesn't deserve that and I know that Ivy wants to lash out at me not Madge.

"No worries. We all got together again to talk. They argued a little more, then cried, then hugged each other, then they started to swap sex stories about you and I just wanted to crawl in a hole." She says.

I sit up and turn to look at her looking a little horrified. "How is that supposed to make me feel better? What you're telling me is terrifying. Were they laughing at me?" I ask genuinely concerned.

Delly starts to laugh. "No, all very good compliments. See, you're living a pretty normal life for a seventeen year old." She pulls me back towards her and hugs me from behind and gives me a big obnoxious kiss on my cheek and won't let go. I try to pull away but she doesn't budge and I start laughing.

"Get off me Delly, I can't wrestle you in the middle of the street anymore, we're not five." I laugh.

"I could take you then and I can take you now." She says challenging me. So I lean forward and stand up lifting her on my back and I start spinning since I know she hates this. I start laughing at the sound of her screams. We fall over and she starts to give me obnoxious wet loud kisses on my cheek and I can't stop laughing.

"Peeta?" I hear her little voice.

Delly and I both stop and look up, it's Prim. "Hey Prim" I say.

She has a scowl on her face. "What are you doing?" She asks concerned.

"Wrestling with Delly." I say laughing. She eyes Delly curiously and Delly gives her a big smile. "What are you doing out of school?" I ask her realizing the time of day.

"I was allowed to leave school early for the photo shoot." She says with a scowl on her face.

"What photo shoot?" I ask.

"For the wedding dresses." She says then she turns away and walks away.

"I didn't know that was happening today." I say feeling like someone just threw cold water at me.

"Are they still going through with that?" Delly asks.

"I guess." I stand up and help Delly to her feet.

"Do you have to go?" She asks.

"No, I didn't even know about it." I say looking after Prim. I look at Delly and I grab her hand. "Come have dinner with me, just you and me and you can catch me up on all things Delly." I smile at her.

She gives me her enthusiastic smile and hugs me. "Great idea. I'm going to tell my parents." She runs into her house for a few seconds and runs back out. She grabs my hand and we start to walk back towards Victor Village hand in hand. I trail behind Prim and I'm glad or this because she rarely gets around town by herself. Katniss is usually with her. Prim repeatedly looks back towards me and gives me a sad smile.

"What is that about?" I ask aloud.

"What?" Delly asks.

"That little pout she keeps throwing my way." I explain.

"Oh Peeta – you really don't know?" she says exasperated.

"What?!" I look at her seriously.

"She's jealous over the fact that some girl is holding hands with her sister's Peeta." She states plainly.

"No way." I say, I start laughing at the thought and I remember the first night Madge was stranded at my place and I told her about it. She tried to keep me from returning to my place where Madge was waiting for me. "Aww – that's adorable."

"See – Primrose Everdeen is team Peeta." She says as she winks at me.

As we're entering Victors' Village Prim looks back at us again with that same pout. So I playfully drop Delly's hand and step away from her. This puts a big smile on her face and I can hear her giggle.

"No worries Prim, he is all Katniss's" Delly shouts out to her. Prim turns bright red, laughs, and takes off running. I see her run towards her house and my smile leaves me as I notice the Capitol cars, I can see her prep team scurrying around and I feel panicked.

"Come on, let's get in my house before they see me. I'm not in the mood." I say.

Delly and I prepare dinner and eat pastries to her heart's content. Something she always wanted to do but never could. I'm happy to spoil her like this. As we sit in my living room watching a movie from the Capitol we keep seeing flashes trough the window.

"Are those flashes from the photoshoot?" Delly asks.

"Yeah." I say. "She must be miserable."

"Are you sure you don't want to go be with her, to be supportive?" She asks.

"No. I can't handle seeing Katniss as a bride. I'm supposed to be the groom yet this whole thing feels like it has nothing to do with me. He's punishing Katniss. I guess I'm the best way to do that. I hate that somehow he's using me against her. The whole thing is sick. If she's having a hard time, I am too and I have to take care of me." I explain to her.

"I'm glad you're putting yourself first." She says. "I have an idea!" She says in her overenthusiastic voice. "Let's camp in my backyard tonight! Just like old times." She pleads.

I look at her and smile then I keep seeing the flashes of light entering my window. "Perfect." I say smiling at her. I run upstairs and get my things together. I happily leave the village to head towards my old life.


	17. Chapter 17

The next couple of weeks are a bit of blur. I've been hanging out with Nathan and Silas more again. I want to know more about what is going on with the planned uprisings but they insist that I shouldn't know anything about it. I guess I understand. One day, I felt that bad premonition again. It happened after I asked them to keep an eye Ivy and Madge. They laughed at the thought of Madge being involved in an uprising. For some reason this sent chills throughout my body. What is she up to? I'm suddenly very scared for her. I have no doubt that she's on our side but I have a nagging feeling that she knows more, so much more, than anything we could imagine. Could she have information about District 13. But how?

That night I'm still thinking about what could be going on, for some reason I can't shake this bad premonition. I'm starting to wonder if this depression is making me paranoid. I feel like I'm on the verge of going over the edge and I suddenly feel an anxiety that is running though my body like electricity and it is desperate for an outlet. Suddenly my television turns on by itself and it's a special mandatory announcement from the Capitol. There it is, the release and source of all this anxiety. I suddenly see Caesar showing Katniss in a variety of wedding dresses. It's up to the Capitol audience to select the dress Katniss will wear to marry me, Peeta Mellark. I begin to shake because I feel like everything is out of my hands. I grab a vase and throw it at the tv, hoping to shut off the images of Katniss. But, no. The television is indestructible. I find myself crying from the rage, I'm forced to watch. Suddenly, the wedding dresses are followed by President Snow's special announcement.

Suddenly I don't remember anything, it's like I've been losing consciousness. Everything is moving in slow motion, but I keep hearing it in my head over and over again. For the 75th Quarter Quell, tributes will be picked from the existing pool of Victors. Katniss is going back into the arena. For some reason, I have a delusional sensation. A survival instinct of mine, where I desperately look for a breath of life, where I can expertly find all the beauty in the world in it. I sink to my knees when I don't find it. Suddenly I hear a deafening scream come from the street. I know it's her, it's Katniss and I want to run to her but I can't move because I realize that I've stopped breathing. I start gasping for air. Then I hear her mother screaming her name down the street. I feel chills throughout my body. I want to scream her name too, call out to her, to let her know that I'm here but my voice is not responsive. Suddenly everything comes to a focus, my breath is steady, the dizziness has disappeared, and I know that Katniss needs to be alone right now. I know what I have to do.

I step outside, from the street I can hear Mrs. Everdeen's wailing. I am somehow unaffected the shrilling and maddening grief. I walk to Haymitch and I open his door. He's in the kitchen staring into space and he hasn't even started to drink.

"Haymitch." I call out to him. He turns to me and it's as if he doesn't recognize me for a few seconds, like he's stuck in some hell, a place that has no place for me I'm sure.

"Don't" Is all he manages to verbalize.

"You know why I'm here." He looks like I've stabbed him. But I continue. "It's simple Haymitch, we have to make sure I go back in. I need to protect her." I say flatly. I'm unprepared for the tears the pool his eyes. He walks towards me, grabs my face, and embraces me protectively.

"I can't do that Peeta." He whispers in my ear with grief. "I can't…"

I try to pull away but he won't let go. He's holding on to me for dear life. I find myself holding up his body. I'm not stupid, I know he loves me. Before me and Katniss, he was completely alone in this world. I know how special I am to him.

"Haymitch, you said it yourself. This Game was not going to end for us. It would be ongoing and my angle has always been to make sure that she lives. Nothing has changed." I tell him. He holds on to me without saying a word until his breathing is steady again. When he pulls away he's back to his old-self.

"I can't promise you anything. I have no say over the reaping, we are looking at a 50 – 50 chance. I can't do anything about that." He says.

"I know that, I did the math." I say. I grab his shoulders angrily. "You owe me, for the times you deceived me and for abandoning me in the Arena last time." The pain in his face is exactly what I'm going for, I'm playing with his guilt. "All I'm asking for you to do is that if my name is called you don't volunteer." Tears escape him again. He just nods no and pries my hands off his shoulders. "Haymitch come on, you know how to be a Mentor! The Arena for you is out of the question! You can't handle it! Please Haymitch." I plead desperately. He grabs his bottle and takes a huge swig, I'm certain he's going to fall over unconscious, but he doesn't if anything he looks more like himself.

"I can't promise you anything." He says with his cool tone of voice.

I turn around and leave. I have months to convince him. I decide I should go to Katniss but just as I'm leaving Haymitch's house I see Gale running towards her house. She should be with him. I walk back towards my house and take a detour through my backyard. I see my pond and I see them again. All of them stepping out of the shadows looking at me from across the pond.

"I know. I should have died with all of you in that Arena." I turn back towards my house. I walk inside. I'm suddenly hungry. I grab some bread and pour myself a bowl of stew. It's the first time in weeks that I feel hungry. I walk into my living room and I'm startled by the site of Ivy, curled up on my couch. She looks at me and looks startled by how normal and calm I look. I know this because she is showing it in her face. I set down my food and look at her.

"Ivy" I say. She runs to me and throws her arms around me. She begins to sob and protest the injustice of it all. She even manages to get me to release some of the tears that for some reason have refused to express themselves. We fall to the ground and we console each other. She kisses me and all I can do is kiss her back because I suddenly realize that I am desperate for warmth and sweetness. I missed holding her like this. But this beautiful release comes to a crashing halt when she begins to talk to me.

"Peeta you can't give up." She says desperately. "You may not get reaped to begin with. And if you do get picked I have no doubt that Haymitch will volunteer to take your place. I'm sure of it." There is so much desperation in her voice, she's on the brink of delusion really. There's even a smile on her face because she still believes there's a way for me, for us really. How do I tell her that I will die for Katniss. I embrace her protectively because part of me believes that she's gone mad. She continues to plea. "Peeta think about it. You'd be a great Mentor, you could do a better job of protecting Katniss from the outside. And I'm not stupid I know you want her to win, but this is the only way." She says this in record speed barely catching her breath. The look in her eyes is completely unlike her. Her usual poker face is completely gone. Her eyes are completely panicked, her beautiful emerald green eyes are crazed, desperate, and terrified. I hug her again, hoping that she snaps out of it. "Peeta you can't give up. I love you!" She sits up and looks at me and hearing her say this warms my heart. I always wanted love in my life – Ivy was always willing to give it to me. I think back to our talks about getting married we would even talk about children and I feel the tears start to flow. After everything that she survived and everything that I survived I can't shatter her hope. I look into her eyes and I can see what I mean to her. I realize that I'm being selfish that the reality of this situation will come crashing down on her on the day of the reaping but I can't shatter her at this moment, I can't bare it. "Peeta, please, promise me that if Haymitch is picked you will not volunteer! Promise me! Peeta." She is screaming at me and I don't think she realizes it.

"I promise Ivy." I say calmly knowing full well that it's a promise I will never keep.

She embraces me again, desperately, and sobs in my arms. She kisses me again. I lift us off the ground and move over to the sofa. We sit silently staring at each other and I don't know what to say. I look behind me and grab my bowl of stew.

"I'm hungry." Is all I can say. "Would you like some?" I ask her.

She looks at me in disbelief. "No, I'm not hungry." She says calmly.

We sit there in silence as I eat my stew and for some reason it tastes better than anything I've ever had. After I eat, Ivy curls up in my arms. I can feel her heart racing, beating furiously. I hold her hand and it's both clammy and freezing. I suddenly realize that she's shivering.

"Are you okay?" I ask her.

"Did you really just ask me that?" She sits up and stares at me in disbelief. Her eyes are wide and I realize she's talking to me as if I were insane. "I'm terrified. What's going to happen? This is fucked up!" Her voice continues to elevate but I don't want to hear it. I'm sick of hearing it. Instead of discussing the unfairness of it all I lean into her and kiss her. I realize that I need to touch her, I need to feel the rush of being with her. I kiss her passionately and ravenously. The thrill of it rushes from my heart throughout my body. I desperately take her clothes off and she undresses me. That familiar passion we share, that is always hungry for one more touch comes rushing through. I grab her body and straddle her over me. I suddenly feel a fever spread throughout me. I kiss her lips as if my life depended on it. I move my lips down her neck to her chest, over her pounding heart. As I sink her into me I brush my lips over her breasts and this makes her throw her head back. The pleasure is sublime. She leans down to me ear and whispers.

"See Peeta, we should be together, we have something here. If you're gone – I have n…" But I cut off her words with my kiss. I don't want her to say that. She's so wrong. She's so full of life - she will love again. She will go on. We finally go to bed where she sleeps in my arms again. I look out my window and I see Katniss stumbling towards her door. I see a bottle in her hand, clearly she went to see Haymitch. Before she can open the door Gale appears at the entrance and he sweeps her in his arms. I can see that she's sobbing. He turns around and walks into the house, closing the door behind him. I look away. I can honestly say that I hope she finds the same comfort I found in Ivy's arms.

The next morning I get out of bed slowly and Ivy stirs a little. I kiss her cheek and whisper in her ear.

"Go to sleep. I need to run a few errands." She sighs deeply and doesn't open her eyes. She's back asleep. I head downstairs and put loafs of bread in the oven. It's interesting how light I feel. The heaviness that had been weighing me down these past couple of weeks seems to have left me. I want to dive into my daily rituals. The bread is done in no time. I pull the loaves and pack them up. I take the usual badges for Haymitch and the Everdeens. I walk to Haymitch's house first and he is passed out on the floor. He drank more than usual then I remember that he didn't drink alone. I clean up as much as I can and I lift him effortlessly. It's amazing, I think back to the day in the clinic when he didn't let me see Ivy. I tried as hard as I could and I couldn't get him to move an inch, now he's like a rag doll in my arms. I lay him on the couch. I clean his face and I cover him with a clean blanket. I leave the bread on his coffee table.

I rush to Katniss's house. I realize that it's very likely that Gale spend the night and I don't want to run into him, either of them really. As usual I see Mrs. Everdeen standing in the kitchen looking haunted and drinking coffee. I see her eyes shift towards the door as she sees me approach it. She opens the door and her eyes look at me in a way she has never looked at me before. I set the bread down but before I can say anything she throws her arms around me.

"I'm so sorry Peeta. You deserved so much better." She says crying softly.

"We all did. So did you." I say and I pull away from her embrace.

"Oh Peeta – I've lived my life. You are a boy, such a sweet boy. Your family deserves to have you for a long time. Your father…" but a sob escapes her mouth. I saw pain in her eyes the moment she mentioned my father.

"Did you love him?" I ask her genuinely curious. I know my father carried a torch for her his whole life, I want to know what he meant to her. He deserved to be loved.

Her eyes soften and she smiles at me. "How could I not love him." She smiles at me and reaches out to touch my face with her hand. "You have his heart, his kindness, his goodness." She grabs my hand and holds it like a fist in her hand and kisses it. "I didn't think there could ever be anyone kinder than him but then I met you. If I could dictate my heart I would have picked him but – along came Katniss's father. We can't tell our hearts what to do." She tells me sadly. "Peeta you still have a chance. You deserve it. If Haymitch's name is called, please give yourself a chance." She tells me with urgency. "You can still help my daughter from the outside. There's no point in the two of you going in…" She pleads. I'm shocked to hear her say this. I don't know what to tell her.

"I brought you bread – the usual." I say in an effort to change the subject. She looks at the bread.

"Thank you." She says kindly and grabs my hand. I can see she wants to tell me more but I don't want to discuss the Quell anymore.

"Mrs. Everdeen" I interrupt her. "I don't want to stick around. I don't want to run into Katniss right now… or Gale." I say it more like a confession.

Mrs. Everdeen looks startled. "Gale? – He's not here…" She says a little shocked. "Peeta, Gale didn't spend the night. He was here, late but he helped us with Katniss, a drunk Katniss." She says.

"Oh. Yeah I know about that I saw her leaving Haymitch's house, stumbling. I also saw Gale show up long before that, and I saw that he was still here when she stumbled in here." I admit.

"Peeta, I'm worried about her. The Quell is months ahead and I'm worried that she'll be like Haymitch until then." She admits.

"No way!" I say startled. "Look, last night was the grief, hell I was tempted to drown myself in a bottle but I didn't" I admit but I also know that I didn't because I drowned myself in Ivy instead.

"Peeta – I don't think you realize this because you love Katniss so much. Haymitch and Katniss are very similar. They are both too willing to lose themselves in the darkness and give up all hope. They're brave, smart, and fighters but all they know how to do is survive. But Peeta, that's not living. If it weren't for you, Katniss would have been lost to us after the Games." She turns to look at me again and reaches for my face again. "Peeta, that's why you should be the mentor." She smiles. "I believe my daughter can win the Quell and this way you two can come back together and this way she won't lose you. It will be hard for her, but if you're here, she'll get through it." She says.

I'm startled by her logic what makes her think that she needs me like that. "Mrs. Everdeen, I don't want to talk about it." I tell her honestly. She backs away nodding understandably. "Look, don't worry about Katniss. I'll make sure that she doesn't drink herself into a stupor these next couple of months. Haymitch too." I say and she looks terrified. I head towards the door and so I add "If I'm going to be their mentor I have to get them in tip top shape."I say full well knowing that I'm lying. I have no intention on being their mentor. Either she doesn't want to admit it to herself or she's as delusional as Ivy, Snow wants to break her, Haymitch will be useless in the Arena. I can't send Haymitch in there. I may be a fool but it's my nature. Anything else wouldn't be me.

I head home and find a note from Ivy, telling me she had to do things this morning and that she wants me to go into town to see her later. I decide that I have to head to the Hob and push my weight around a little. Haymitch or Katniss will not be buying liquor in all of District 12. I walk back to Haymitch's house and find that he's still passed out on the sofa. I begin to search his house and find every single bottle. I empty them. As I head down the stairs I can hear some walking around and voices. I realize that Katniss has stopped by. I walk into the kitchen and find them both staring into space dazed and hung over. I feel angry. I throw the box full of empty bottles on the floor and make sure it sends a torturous rattle through the room. They both wince in unison and look around in horror. I confess what I did this morning and that neither of them will be drinking again. They look furious. Haymitch, because I'm taking away his addiction, and Katniss because she doesn't like being told what to do. Haymitch actually tries to assault me and fails miserably he's so hung over. I tell him that I hope he's can do better by the time we get to the Arena. I walk out leaving them reeling from all the noise I make as I leave the house.


	18. Chapter 18

In the next couple of days Katniss, Haymitch and myself enter into a silent tense agreement that we are going to train like Careers. They comply with my wishes without question. Part of me feels nervous by their compliance. We do rigorous exercises, stick to a diet, and try to put on weight. Mrs. Everdeen gives Haymitch plenty of herbal medications to help him get through his withdrawal. Considering his condition, it's a miracle that he hasn't torn our heads off. Considering how he walks around with a knife every second of the day, he's completely useless with it. As we train together I start to wonder what we're thinking since no one really talks to each other, except to give a useful pointer on how to improve our methods.

I realize that Haymitch is not the only one letting go of something dear to him. I've decided to pull away from Katniss. I'm here for her and she knows how I feel about her but I'm just not readily available for her like before. It's not like she ever took advantage of my willingness to please her but I'm shutting her out. I'm purposely cooling the warmth that I always offered her. I no longer flirt with her, I don't steal glances from her, I don't hug her. I'm just her coach. I can see hurt in her eyes by my distance I can also see her lack of sleep. Her nightmares are increasing and I guess she must really be missing me because more than ever before I can hear her calling out for me in the middle of her nightmares. It's often the sound of my name that wakes me up. I'm surprised that the days after these nights I manage to look at her indifferently. I know it hurts her. I've stopped asking how she's doing.

I've even gone as far as to spend as little time in Victors' Village as possible. Aside from training with them, I spend most of my day in town. I've also decided to spend the nights with my family. I make up for all the months I avoided them. My mother is even on her best behavior and my father is beyond happy. My brothers and I even found our old rhythm and I'm ecstatic about it. I hang out in the bakery with them and my friends stop by to hang out with me, just like before. One day we are all hanging out in front of the bakery, laughing and talking about nonsense. Suddenly Madge goes quiet as she stares in the distance. We all notice and we follow her gaze. Bam! My stomach sinks. I see Katniss walking into town hand in hand with Gale. Gale is beaming at her, holding her, he even kisses her. In plain site of everyone. People are certainly looking at them. Hell even the peacekeepers. Me and the gang are completely silent from shock. I'm even more shocked that they start heading our way. As they get closer, I start to laugh. I can see Katniss starts to get nervous. Gale looks at me and smiles.

"What's the point of covering it up now right?" he says logically. I start laughing cause he's completely right.

"No point at all." We both start laughing and there seems to be a mutual agreement to let bygones be bygones. Our laughter seems to put everyone at ease except Katniss who pulls away from his hand and seems to only be looking at me.

"I agree completely" says Ivy and this brings my laughter to a halt instantly. I glare at her. She jus stares back at me because I know what she means and I couldn't agree less. I look away from her.

"So what bring you two to the bakery?" I ask.

"I haven't seen you around your house all week except in the morning when you're coaching me and Haymitch." Katniss says quietly. I notice that Ivy smiles because I'm sure this is comforting to her. I'm behaving like a coach, like a mentor.

"Yeah – I figured I should spend more time with my family. I also want to be close to my friends."I say.

"Oh." Is all she says.

"Tomorrow I was going to join you guys to show you some snares." Gale offers generously.

I smile at him whole heartedly. "Great! Thanks." I say.

Madge suddenly interrupts us. "I have to get back home and check in on my mom." She says. She takes a step towards me and embraces me. Lately every time my friends see me they embrace me in a nostalgic way – I think they all know I'm going into the arena and they want to hold on to me for as long as they can. Madge pulls away and kisses me on the cheek. I can tell that Gale tenses up and avoids looking at her. "Katniss I'll come by to see you tomorrow." She offers her friend a hug and walks away from us. I see a bit of a pained expression in Gale's face, and it's because Madge didn't even look at him.

"Well I have to get going too. I have lots of work to do on top of homework." Ivy announces. She's right, she's now responsible for herself and she has continued her father's business. On top of the bar, he was in charge of the fabrics in town. She's had her hands full. She grabs my hand and looks at me. "I'll see you at dinner at my place." She says to me. I scowl at her a little.

"We'll be there." I say. I know the invitation is just for me but I'm not going to out us. She smiles and rolls her eyes at me. I'm sure she didn't even look at Katniss or Gale as she steps away from us.

I turn back to Katniss and Gale. "Where are you guys heading?" I ask them.

"the Seam." Gale says with a smile. He grabs Katniss's hand and tugs at her. She looks at him then at me. I smile at her.

"see you tomorrow." I stand up and walk back towards Silas, Nathan, and Delly. I can hear them walking away.

"I can't believe she would parade around like that with Gale." Delly says surprised. "I mean what if Snow finds out, he'll take it like an insult."

"Please. I don't blame her, I'm beyond caring. She did everything he wanted and he's throwing us back in. The hell with him." I say plainly.

"You don't care?" She asks me in disbelief.

"No." I reply. "What's he going to do, even if the gossip is getting back to him. He's not going to out her to the whole country or the Capitol. Because to him, he'll look like the fool, and that two kids called the shots for a change because we pulled a fast one. He's not going to do that." I say.

"Then why are you still sneaking around with Ivy?" She asks.

I shrug "Because I still have something to protect. They were careless and Snow already knows about Gale. To my knowledge he knows nothing about Ivy and I plan to keep it that way. If he did already know about us, then I wouldn't care either."

"Makes sense to me." Nathan says.

The next day, Gale shows up at our daily training session at Katniss's house. He shows up later than planned, he looks exhausted and he's covered in coal dust. He tells us that the conditions are getting more dangerous in the mines. Katniss looks at him with so much concern, I can only imagine what that means to them, considering that they both lost their fathers in the same mining accident. A tragedy that bound them together. She holds on to his hand and pulls him up towards the stairs. She insists that he clean up for his own comfort. I imagine that she's pulling him up towards her room. I feel a pang in my chest and so I look away. From the corner of my eye I can see that he has playfully thrown her over his shoulder as she laughs hysterically. Wow, the site of them like this hurts so much that I have to remind myself to breathe. I keep myself busy with the rope Haymitch and I are practicing with. A few minutes later Katniss comes running down laughing looking flushed and I notice that her clothes are wet. She runs into a room and comes back wearing a different shirt. All the good humor I had left in me escapes me and it takes everything in me to not walk away.

Gale finally comes back down wearing fresh clothes, how he had fresh clean clothes here is beyond me so I force the questions out of my head. He sits down and shows us a few things about snares. I pay close attention. I'm thankful for the activity because I have something to focus on other than Katniss. I avoid Katniss's eyes the whole evening. Haymitch is a wiz with them, he even adds a trick to one. Gale is impressed. I am too, but I'm not surprised. Haymitch is by far the smartest person I've ever met. I wonder what he could have accomplished if he hadn't been drunk all the time. Mrs. Everdeen serves us all dinner and I wish she hadn't so that I could excuse myself. Gale suddenly starts asking me all sorts of questions and I find that it distracts me and I fall into an easy conversation with him. He seems sincere and I appreciate it. I don't even mind his personal questions because I can tell he's not being malicious.

"So, considering everything turned out the way it did. Have the girls been lining up confessing their love for you?" He asks teasingly. I look at him with a smile and I wonder if he's asking me this because of Madge. I saw how he looked at her the other day at the bakery.

"Gale!" Katniss scowls at him.

"Relax Katniss, he's just teasing." I say.

He laughs. "See he doesn't mind. And I am teasing but I am not really. Peeta you were always popular with the girls at school. There was always a girl hanging around you." He adds.

"No, no girls lining up. Aside from my friends." I say.

"that's too bad." He says again.

Katniss looks increasingly tense. "Gale." She glares at him.

I laugh again. "I don't know Gale. Something about seeing a guy you had a crush on kill people will probably make you look at him differently." I say laughing and Haymitch laughs too.

"People don't see you like a murderer Mellark. Everyone respects you here, even the people in the Seam." He says seriously. Then he smiles again. "So you really didn't have a sweetheart before the Games huh?" He adds. This makes me look at him and now there's an edge to his voice. I eye him curiously. I start to think and I'm sure the whole town knew about me and Ivy. We were pretty serious but since the Games we turned cold and all eyes were on me and Katniss. I have no intention of disclosing my on and off again relationship with Ivy. I wonder if Gale would have known about it. Then I think he must have. As much as people like Ivy now, her past follows her. And so some people still refer to her as the town's ex-prostitute. Who she was dating surely made for great gossip, even in the Seam. Especially if she was dating the likeable wholesome baker's son. I can see Katniss ignoring the town's gossip completely. If things don't concern her or her sister it doesn't exist. I can't say the same for Gale.

I smile at him. "No. just fleeting girlfriends - if you want to count that - but nothing serious." I continue eating my food. I look up and realize that Katniss is just staring at me and Gale is uncomfortably observing her. I pretend not to notice so I look at Haymitch whose gaze is following all of us as he looks annoyed. Haymitch then excuses himself from us, the kids, to have an adult conversation with Mrs. Everdeen. I laugh a little as I see him walk away from us.

"What's so funny?" Katniss asks me in her moody tone and it makes me look at her a little defensively.

"Nothing." I say to her. I finish my food, thank Mrs. Everdeen and take off back to my parents' house without saying anything else to them.

The next day I follow my usual daily ritual. Breakfast, help out my brothers and father in the bakery. I head out towards Victors' Village and we continue our physical training. Haymitch has improved a great deal. And he's proving to be good with the knife after all. Just then we see Gale walking towards us with a huge bag over his shoulder.

"Hey all." He greets us. He walks towards Katniss and he gives her a kiss. I force myself to look at them and I notice that Katniss tenses up, even though Gale's lips linger she really doesn't respond to him. She pulls away almost instantly. "I brought your mother the supplies she wanted. Bandages and stuff." He says to her and she eyes him curiously. Clearly she doesn't know what he's talking about. He walks into her house and comes back towards us with a big smile on his face.

"Mellark can we work in your house, I have something to show you guys." He says in a whisper. I nod yes and we head towards my house. It dawns on me that I haven't been in there in weeks. As we walk in I point them in the direction of my art studio since it's the place where I permanently removed the hearing devices. I lead the way and I can hear Haymitch and Katniss mumbling under their breaths about something. They both have been in a foul mood all morning. They are trailing behind us and I see Haymitch pull her by her arm and start lecturing her. Gale and I look back at them and he looks at me quizzically.

"I don't want to know." I say honestly. I keep leading him towards my studio. We walk in and realize I don't remember the last time I painted or when I last saw my paintings. I was in here at least once a day every day before the Quell announcement. But since, I haven't been back. Suddenly I see Gale staring away from me with a huge smile on his face. I follow his gaze and he's staring at a large portrait I made of Ivy, nude Ivy. I rush towards it and turn it towards the wall and push it into a corner quickly.

"That's nothing." I say.

"Sure. The nothing serious fleeting girlfriend nothing…" He says with a huge smile on his face. Then the smile disappears and it's replaced with a scowl. I turn to follow his gaze and his eyes found the portraits I made of Madge. I made a series of her laughing from that week she stayed with me. My favorite is one of her laughing with her head tilting back as the snow falls on her. While the moon is not in the painting, I captured how its light illuminated her hair. It's my favorite of hers and it still sits on the easel. Thankfully I packed all of Katniss's portraits away a long time ago and he can't see those.

"What's the surprise?" I ask him. He turns to me without saying a word and just glares at me. "It's amazing how cold and hot you are with me." I say plainly. He just stares at me and I roll my eyes. Finally Haymitch and Katniss walk in. Katniss looks like she's in an even fouler mood than before.

"Well?" She glares at Gale. He reaches into the bag and lets the bag fall. In his hand is a bow and our eyes then look at the bag which we now see has arrows sticking out from it. Just like that, she lights up and runs towards him and jumps in his arms. He spins her around. Finally he looks at me and Haymitch.

"I thought you could use the practice Catnip and these two could learn to use one." He says.

"Cool." I say.

Katniss is mesmerized by the bow as she pulls it out of his hand. "Where did you get it?" She asks.

"You don't want to know." He says. I start to wonder because I've heard Nathan and Silas whispering about how the District was going to start arming themselves. This confirms it, Gale is in on it too.

"Does it work?" Katniss asks.

"Sure does." He answers her. He grabs the bow from her hand and reaches to the floor to pick up an arrow. "Mellark you don't mind if I shoot an arrow in your house do you?" He asks.

"Go ahead." I say since taking this weapon outside is out of the question. Katniss smiles at me then at him. He grabs the arrow and positions the bow to shoot it. Just then I realize what he's aiming at. Before I can say anything he shoots the arrow in the direction of Madge's paintings. He shoots right through one. Just then Katniss sees what he shot at. Her smile leaves her. She walks towards the arrow sticking in the wall holding one of Madge's portraits. At first I think she's going to walk towards the arrow to pull it but instead she's observing Madge's painting. Then she walks towards the rest of the Madge series. I start to feel uncomfortable and I glare at Gale but he's still staring at the portrait he shot. Then Katniss turns to look at me.

"These are really beautiful. She looks so beautiful." She looks at me sadly now she has Gale's full attention. "Has she seen them?" She asks.

"Yeah – I showed them to her. She liked them." I respond.

"Where did – when are they from?" She asks looking at them nervously again.

"The blizzard." I answer her.

"Oh." Is all she says. Then there is just an uncomfortable silence.

"Are we going to stand here and talk about how pretty whatever her name is or are we going to acknowledge that there is a fucking bow and arrows in the room that we can be training with!?" Haymitch protests. I laugh at his comment and I am too happy to change the subject. "Fucking children…" he continues to cuss at us under his breath as he pulls the bow out of Gale's hand. Haymitch and I do well with our first lesson and then we enjoy putting holes in the wall. Katniss finally takes the bow from us and we see just how amazing her aim is.

"Her aim is even more impressive when she hits moving targets." Gale tells us proudly. Katniss grabs the last arrow and shoots it. It goes right through my favorite portrait of Madge.

"Damn it Katniss!" I yell at her.

"don't worry Peeta – I'm sure you can do one again in no time. What did you say, you can remember details so accurately?" She says maliciously.

We glare at each other and as our eyes meet I realize that we have been averting each other's eyes for months. "Real nice, Katniss" I say.

"That's it I'm out of here." Haymitch says and walks out.

We glare at each other and I start to feel a lot of pent up anger. I realize that Gale is standing in the room. I look at him then back at her.

"Gale, why don't you leave the bow and arrow here. You shouldn't be walking around town with it. I'm going to ask you guys to leave. I have to lock up in here." I say curtly.

Katniss walks towards her shot arrow that is holding Madge's portrait on the wall and pulls it out of the wall letting the portrait fall to the ground, breaking the frame. I close my eyes trying to contain my anger. "Oops." She says. And storms towards the door pushing me with the edge of her shoulder as she walks past me. Contact with her sends a fire through me and I grab her arm and pull her towards me.

"What the hell is your problem?!" I shout at her face.

"Let go." She fumes at me.

"Why are you mad me? You're acting like a petulant child and I have no idea why?!" I continue without letting go of her arm.

"Let go of my arm!" She screams at me. Gale finally comes up to us and pulls us apart.

"Let's go Katniss." He pushes her out of the studio.

After I hid the bow and arrow and decide I should hide Ivy's portrait, I head out and lock up the house. I decide to have dinner with Haymitch. Since he stopped drinking he's been eating, it turns out he knew how to cook, well too. I walk in fuming and he sees it.

"I don't even want to know." He tells me.

"good." I tell him.

We eat dinner in silence and he agrees to watch some Games with me. I want to know who could be joining us in the arena. It's night time and I bid Haymitch a good night. I tell him where I hid the bow and arrow in case they want to practice while I'm not there. As I leave I think back to what Katniss did and I feel angry again. Why is she mad at me. As I start walking down the street I look towards Katniss's house and I see her and Gale. He's pressing her up against a wall on he side of her house. They're making out, I suddenly feel frozen to the ground. I can see him pull away from her lips as he goes to kiss her neck and his hands wander down her torso. I finally snap out of it and rush out of there. How did I go from feeling completely disgusted by her to completely heart broken by her. I'm happier than ever that I'm not staying here anymore. They are really together now, hell I can't blame them for not caring to hide their relationship now. She's going into the Arena, no matter what. I get it. As much as I try to rationalize their actions it still hurts like hell and I find myself struggling to catch my breath.


	19. Chapter 19

As the days keep going by we continue to train and fall further into our routine. During my breaks I walk into my house and paint again. Then I eat with Haymitch and we return to training and even though Haymitch and Katniss do everything I want, she and I are not okay. We speak less and less to each other. It's like we are back to our days after the Games, before the Victory Tour. I notice that Haymitch looks at us pitifully. One day after eating lunch with Haymitch we meet Katniss in my backyard she wants to teach us how to float in the pond and since the weather is getting warmer now, it seems appropriate. It hadn't even occurred to me that we could be facing water in the arena. We were shocked to hear that Katniss knows how to swim.

Without looking at her I say "how did you learn how to swim?" Before she can answer I continue. "Does the seam flood that much?" I say. Haymitch starts laughing but upon seeing her pissed off face he suppresses it. Suddenly I see that she's staring at my hands. I look down at them and they're full of paint.

"Been painting today?" She asks instead.

"Yeah." I say.

"Redoing Madge's painting I'm sure. Hope it turned out okay." She says.

"Better than before. Beautiful really." I say. She just glares at me then she looks away from us.

"Whose ready to float." She says.

"Me, I am." Haymitch says annoyed. "How deep is that thing?" Haymitch asks.

"About waist deep." I say.

"Perfect" Katniss says with her back towards us.

Haymitch goes in first and he looks back to me and smiles, he's happy to tell me that the water looks clean and it certainly doesn't smell bad. This makes me laugh. I sit down and look past them, as always, Cato and Thresh come out from the shadows and I stare at them as they observe what Katniss and Haymitch are doing. I hear Katniss instruct Haymitch as she tell him to relax his body and just let himself lay back. He does just as she tells him. I can see that he's laying over her arms, which are submerged under the water. I can see him float effortlessly. They're in there a while and she manages to remove her arms and he stays afloat then she tells him how to move his arms and legs so that he can swim on his back and move any direction he likes. Haymitch comes out looking pleased. She calls out to me. I go in there and follow her instructions. The sensation of the water is nice and cooling and refreshing considering how much we've been sweating all day. I'm floating on my back by myself and I'm moving my arms and legs as Katniss instructs me. The whole feeling is nice. Just as I'm about to bring my legs down I feel her hands push my head under water. I'm startled and I end up inhaling water, which brings my body under. I grab her arms and I know I pull her down with me. As soon as my feet touch the ground I stand up. As soon as my head is above the water I desperately inhale air which brings on a surge of choked water and a painful hacking cough. I make my way towards the edge so that I can get out. I crawl out as I cough clearing my lungs and gasping for air at the same time.

"What happened?" Haymitch asks. I look at Katniss who is now standing beside him as she looks at me smugly. I stand up and walk towards her and she just glares at me.

"That wasn't funny." I say to her as I try to breathe normally.

"I wasn't' trying to be. Consider it an exercise." She says as she walks away from me. "You two did great." She says with her back towards us. "What's on the rest of our schedule coach?" She turns to look at me again.

"Hand to hand combat refresher. Remember? We're wrestling." I say to her as I walk up to her. She stands looking a little nervous.

"Good, I promise you both if you don't start acting like yourselves I'm going to beat the crap out of both of you and you'll see why I won the 50th Quell.." He walks past us cursing at the two of us. I glare at her and follow him. We take a break and I try to focus. I remember that I need Katniss to focus and be as strong as possible. She needs to excel in everything. I know she's small and hand to hand combat will never be to her advantage but perhaps she can learn how to use other people's strength against them. I push what happened in the pond and her bad attitude towards me out my mind and focus. I decide to spar with Haymitch first. I give him pointers and teach him how to do a few things. Then we really spar, I need them both to be their absolute best. By the time we're done he looks exhausted. He was not able to pin me once. I asked him to come after me the way he would if we were in the arena. He goes after my neck but he can't get to it. He was not able to get me down once. I tell him that tomorrow I'll show him where he's going wrong. He laughs as he lays down on the floor.

"Katniss, your turn." I call to her as I'm still trying to catch my breath. She nods and approaches me. My heart breaks when as I see her petite frame. I can't go easy on her, it is important that she's prepared. I give her the same pointers I have Haymitch. I ask her to attack me the way she would in the Arena. She looks at me a little horrified. Her gray eyes meet mine again but I try to stay unfeeling. She comes at me and I easily avert her attack and continue to pin her down. With every attempt she fails and grows weaker. I keep telling her what she's doing wrong and I ask her to fix it but she keeps failing. She looks exasperated. So I change strategies, I walk past her and tell her that I'm going to attack her as and she nods. I attack her from behind. I charge her and wrap her in my arms bringing her down to the floor. She screams when she hits the ground. I can tell by her breathing that she's furious. She scrambles in my arms and manages to face me and her eyes are on fire she's so mad. I tell her to try to break free and tries with all her might to free her arms, to kick me, she even tries to bring her knee up between us but I effortlessly continue to control her and pin her to the ground. I can see that she only gets more angry. She grunts pitifully as she tries to break free, she is so angry that I can see tears running down her face. I bring my hands to her neck, I don't squeeze, I just want to pin her down by her neck. Even with my hands distracted by her neck, which gives her the ability to move her arms freely she still can't break free. She screams in frustration.

"Get off me!" She demands. I do as she says. She sits up and struggles to catch her breath. She's furious.

"You're going to have to do better than that." I tell her. She looks away from me and her angry face disappears. She lays back down and she starts to whimper a little as she holds on to her side. My walls come crashing down and rush to her side.

"Are you okay?" I ask worried. I go to touch her arm but she slaps my hand away.

"Don't touch me!" She screams at me. I hold my hands up to show her that I won't also signaling a truce. She winces again and she sits up still breathing heavy.

"Katniss we have to practice and like I told Haymitch, I will show you what you're doing wrong so that you can fix it. You're going to learn how to use my strength against me." I tell her. She just glares at me.

"I'm done Peeta. I'm not doing this anymore." She says to me as she pulls herself up.

"Katniss – you're not done!" I say angrily.

"Yes I am! We gained all the weight we can, we're as strong as we can be, we are as skilled as we're going to be, I cannot fight the way you can just like you can't shoot an arrow like me." She yells at me.

"You're being a brat, you're mad that you didn't excel in one thing…" I begin but she cuts me off.

"Peeta I'm not strong, I'm not big, I can fight to the best of my abilities but if I come up against someone of your strength, or Haymitch, or Thresh!" She screams now and I try to look away but she follows my gaze to continue with her argument "and I'm unarmed, I'm dead."

"You're not trying." I insist.

"Peeta – remember Clove?" She asks me. I look at her. "She was almost my size, I had to fight her when I went to get your medicine and she overpowered me. I tried, I really tried. If it hadn't been for Thresh she would have killed me." She says calmly. "I'm not wasting my time anymore."

"You can't give up." I insist.

"Peeta I'm not strong!, I'm not big, I'm tiny, I can't wrestle…" and suddenly there are tears in her eyes as she stares away from me and she stares at the pond she stays quiet for a moment. "You can't ask me to be physically strong like you just like you can't ask me to be graceful like Madge. It's impossible." She says pitifully. I'm baffled because I don't know where the hell this is coming from or what it has to do with our training.

"What are you talking about? I'm just asking you.." But she cuts me off and walks away.

"I'm done Peeta." She calls out to us from over her shoulder. We can hear her sobbing as she walks into her house while she holds on to her side.


	20. Chapter 20

It's the morning of the Reaping and I wake up in my parent's home, in my old bed. There's something poetic about this. I am almost certain of my fate and it's as if I have a do over. Only this time my original plan will win out. I get downstairs and my family and friends are waiting for me. They all look heartbroken except Ivy. Because she has convinced herself that if Haymitch's name gets called I will not volunteer to take his place, and she can be certain that if my name is called, Haymitch will most definitely take my place. The latter is my worst fear at the moment. I hug them all and Ivy kisses me. I'm surprised to see Peacekeepers appear to take me to the Reaping. I look back at my loved ones and they look terrified. Ivy however, remains hopeful. I smile at her.

I arrive to the Justice Building and Katniss and Haymitch are already there. I'm suddenly scared, I'm hoping with everything that I have that my name is not called, because I know the outcome. I see Effie appear and she looks sorrowed. Suddenly everything starts to move in slow motion. I hear her call Katniss's name and my heart breaks all over again as if a part of me believed this could be avoided. I'm standing on the stage next to Haymitch. I look at him but he averts my eyes. I know that I was not able to convince him. I can't look at Katniss even though I can feel her eyes on me. I realize that everyone's eyes are on me because the whole town wants me to live. I remember that this is televised live across the country, all of the country must want the same thing, to see me live. This scares me. I stare at my District, my people, my family, and my friends, all of their eyes are on me. I am overpowered by nostalgia, they all want my name to be picked because they know Haymitch will take my place, they are terrified that Haymitch will be called out because they know what I'll do.

I find Ivy and her eyes. She looks confident, all she knows is that I promised her that I wouldn't volunteer and she can count on Haymitch. In her eyes, I'm free. Then I hear Effie say that it's the gentlemen's turn. I stop breathing and I can't take my eyes off Ivy. She smiles at me, such a sweet smile that I smile back at her. This only makes her light up more.

"Haymitch Abernathy." Effie calls out. The whole town gasps but Ivy doesn't notice. I start to feel tears run down my face. Then I mouth to her – I'm sorry. Then everything speeds up in a blink of an eye. Ivy's smile fades and her chin begins to tremble and she beings to shake. I pull my eyes off her.

"I volunteer as tribute." I say facing Effie and I finally see Katniss. When Katniss hears me she falls to her knees.

"No, no…" Haymitch comes up behind me pleading. I hear a scream in the crowd but I don't have to look at where it's coming from.

Suddenly peacekeepers rush us and without any explanations we are rushed into the train on our way to the Capitol. All of my goodbyes are left lingering in my thoughts. I feel like I'm in a trance. Haymitch can't even look at me when he walks in the train. He storms the bar and grabs a bottle. He walks past Effie and heads towards his room I guess. As the train pulls away Katniss is left standing staring at the door. She didn't get a chance to say good bye. I'm comforted in knowing that she will make it back. I still tell her that we can send letters. I walk away from her.

I sit and write my letters. Everyone one gets one, even my mother. In her letter, I tell her that I forgive her. She wasn't around much these last couple of weeks because she wanted to avoid me. I told myself that it was because she couldn't see me return to the Arena. I know this thought makes our relationship tolerable for me, I'm not sure how realistic it is. However, if one day she should feel remorse I don't want her to suffer. So I forgive her instead. My letter to my brothers is full of our usual banter. I tell them to take care of each other and to look out for dad. I write a long letter to my father and basically explain why he was the best father in the world. I add a post script, telling him that in case he wonders, Mrs. Everdeen did love him. I write one to my friends, all of them and I wish them luck. I write to Madge that perhaps in another life and in another place, we could have made each other happy. My letter to Ivy is mostly an apology letter. I tell her she is full of life and love – and that I don't doubt for a second that she will live on and triumph. I tell her that I genuinely loved her but she deserves so much more than what I could give. I tell Haymitch to remember me with happiness and kindness. I don't want my death to add to his bitterness. I request that when he thinks of me he should eat instead. I laugh at the thought. My last letter is to Katniss, and of course it turns into a love letter how much her life impacted mine and how she was the light in my life. All the goodness she sees in me was fed through her existence. Just as I finish a train attendant knocks on my door to let me know that dinner is served.

I step out into the dining room. It's me, Effie, and Katniss. Katniss looks pale and dejected. She doesn't look at me and Effie looks tense. I wonder what is going on in the Capitol. Suddenly Haymitch walks into the dining cart, makes eye contact with all of us. Glares at us and walks towards the bar. He reaches behind it grabs a bottle of wine and walks out of the cart back towards his room I'm sure.

"So much for sobriety." Says Katniss. She begins to push her food around her plate and finally she starts to eat slowly. She's absolutely endearing. I've seen her sick with stress, overwhelmed with grief but she always manages to eat like a gluttonous child. As always she has at least three servings. As she eats ravenously, I allow myself to observe her closely. I've been avoiding her for months. I catch Effie observing me. When I look at her, she jumps and looks away. I see that she wipes a tear away from her eye.

"Let's watch some television. I'm dying to know who else will be joining you in the Arena." She winces when she thinks about her choice of words. This surprises me, she's usually oblivious. Something is definitely going on in the Capitol. Katniss looks like she's going to protest but I interrupt.

"Katniss – come on. We have to know what we're up against." I insist. She nods and stands up to follow us into the television room. We sit down with Effie and I take note of the names so that I can see the selected tributes' previous Games. The Careers as always are ridiculous, they all look like they've been dying to return. I wonder if there's a way to get them to kill each other. I smile at the thought and I look over at Katniss and see her roll her eyes when she sees them proudly beat their chest. District 4 seems to have stirred up a lot of buzz in the Capitol since there was a volunteer. They picked a girl name Annie who cracked up the moment she heard her name and so an ancient Tribute volunteered for her. She can't even talk anymore. In fact, after she's announced as the official female Tribute, she walks back to a chair and naps. The whole town is laughing, and I can't suppress my own, neither can Katniss. Then' I'm shocked to see the Finnick Odair is picked. My jaw drops. He's a legend and his looks have almost everything to do with it. The Capitol loves him, I thought for sure they would have purposely left his name out of the reaping. Then I remember he's more than just a pretty boy, he was a fierce killer at the age of 14 and now he must be in his prime at 24, he has only grown more powerful since.

"Shit." I say

"No kidding." Katniss says, no doubt she's thinking the same thing.

The reaping continues through Panem. There are nervous tributes, angry tributes, and even addict tributes. I notice Chaff, the tribute from 11, I remember seeing him during the Games, I found out that he's great friends with Haymitch. He lost his arm during his games and I like that he refuses to wear a prosthetic. They even chose mothers, a woman whose name is Cecilia has to pry her children off her legs. My soul hurts. I feel guilty because nothing can convince me otherwise, these games were especially made to destroy Katniss. I have no doubt that she's thinking the same thing and so without looking I quickly squeeze her hand, she squeezes my hand back, and I let go. Next to District 12, District 7 had a very small pool to pick from. Johanna Mason is picked, and next to me and Katniss, she's the youngest of the bunch. She's only three years older than me and Katniss. Something about her eyes give me the impression that she's wise. When her name is picked she actually flips off the camera. Yes, surly, but wise.

"Isn't she the one that made everyone think she was a weakling but was a brutal savage in the Arena?" Katniss asks Effie.

"Yes, that would be Johanna. The obscenities that come out of her mouth…" Effie says disgustedly.

"Sounds like Haymitch's soul mate." I say laughing.

"I don't know Peeta. I think she tops him. She doesn't drink and she's still foul." Effie tells me.

We finish watching the reaping and Effie bids us a good night. Then it's just me and Katniss. We look at each other and I smile. I feel nervous for some reason, she and I haven't had one on one time since she broke her foot.

"Are you going to go to sleep?" I ask. "It's getting late."

She looks at me a little nervous but then looks away. "Yeah I should head to bed. Are you going to sleep now too?" She asks.

"No." I say and she looks at me a little surprised. "I'm going to start reviewing the Games from the selected Tributes." I tell her as I point at a box full of videos that Effie prepared for me. She looks horrified.

"Well then… I'll leave you to that." She says forcing a tight smile to her face then walking away from me. I watch her leave and I'm happy to see that the animosity or tension, I'm not sure what to call it, that's been surrounding us his past month hasn't surfaced once today. I go back to the Games. A few hours later I hear her screaming, for me even, but I don't move. I force myself to let it go. Her screaming continues and I breathe through it. Finally, it stops. I continue to watch the Games as I take notes. Suddenly I hear the door open. I turn and see Katniss, wide eyed with fear, drowning in a an oversized robe. I can see the horror in her eyes. I stand up and walk around the sofa to approach her.

"You okay?" I ask and she shakes her head no. "another bad dream. Want to talk about it?" I ask her.

"no." She says. Her eyes wonder around the cart nervously and I can see tears coming to her eyes as if she's checking if her dream may resurface. I know what she's going through, it must have been a bad one. There are days where I'm afraid I'm still in the middle of a bad dream.

"Katniss…" I call to her endearingly and I know my concern shows in my face as well as in my voice. My tone makes her zone in on me and she actually looks happy to see it. I feel bad because I realize that I've shut her out completely since the announcement of the Quell. I open my arms and call to her "come here." In a blink of an eye she runs to my arms and throws her arms around me. She lets out a deep sigh and takes in a deep breath. I wrap my arms around her waist and it feels so right. She's completely engulfed by me and I wish I could keep her like this always, safe. She moves her arms around my neck to pull me down closer to her and so I pull her up towards me, lifting her off the ground slightly. I press my face into her hair and my lips grace her neck. I suddenly start to feel the torch that I carry for her fan itself. There is this warmth radiating from her that sets me aflame and I remember the inexplicable reason why I would die for her. Something else dawns on me, the way she is holding on to me tells me that she has no intention of letting go, and so I hold her, forever if she wants me to. But that's too much to ask for. We are interrupted by the train attendant, he had been standing there for a while but we didn't notice. He apologizes for interrupting us and then he leaves us milk that Katniss had requested before she found me. He leaves and I look at Katniss. She smiles and holds my hand.

"I still have one more video to watch tonight." I tell her. "Do you want to watch it with me? It may stress you more." I point out to her.

She grabs the video and she looks stunned. "Peeta – it's the 50th Quell. It's Haymitch's year!" I run to her side to look at the video and confirm what she says.

"Katniss – now that I think about it, I've never seen his games replayed." I point out.

"You're right." She says. "Not even with this year's Quell, they showed the 25th and every other Game, especially ours, over and over again but not the 50th."She adds.

"Do you think Haymitch doesn't want us to see?" I say feeling a little guilty. I feel like I'm intruding on his privacy. She looks at me then she looks at the video, as if it were yet another delicious meal she can't turn down. "I'll leave it up to you." I say to her.

"We're watching it." She confirms. She sets up the video and it begins. For starters the Quell is double as cruel because there are twice as many tributes, four tributes from each District. Fucking Capitol, I think to myself. They showed the reaping in District 12 and Katniss jumps with excitement when she spots her young mother.

"Wow she's beautiful" I point out.

Katniss smiles at me. "Thank you." She says. The girl standing next to her is reaped and Katniss's mother and another woman that look familiar hold on to their friend. The girl's name is Maysilee Donner.

"Why does that name sound familiar?" I ask.

"That's Madge's aunt." Katniss tells me.

I feel as if the air has been kicked out of me, that terrible premonition hits me again. I look at Katniss feeling afraid for her. Haymitch makes me and Katniss sigh with endearment. Young Haymitch, I start to wonder about what his life was like. I think about everything that I hide from him and Katniss about my personal life, how little we know about him.

"he was a looker." Katniss points out.

I look at her a little surprised and I smile. "You say that because you obviously have a thing for the Seam look." I say referring to Gale. She shoots me a scowl and I laugh. "It's true" I insist. "I'm not judging you, so do I ." I can't help myself and I look her up and down. She smiles and looks away from me.

"Watch the game." She orders me. We watch his first interview with Caesar and he's surly as ever, even then. "well – I guess it's not alcohol induced." Katniss says laughing. I nod in agreement. Then she quickly curls up in my arms. I can tell there is a smile on her face. I'm so relieved to feel this closeness with her. Further, I'm happy to hold on to her as I see what Haymitch had to endure. He seems determined to figure out the arena and he discovers a force field, like the one on the roof of the training center. He throws things at it and the objects shoot back at him. Later,he partners with Maysilee and then she dies in his arms. Then it's him and a career and they battle it out, it's gruesome. I feel overwhelmed with hatred towards the Capitol for doing this to him. They destroyed him he never recovered, he never will. Then we see how he won, he purposely drew her towards the edge of the Arena, towards the force field. The Career threw her axe at him and all he can do is hit the ground for cover. The Career's axe hits the force field and it shoots back impaling itself in the Career's head. He didn't kill her, the force field did, Haymitch used the Capitol's Arena in his favor. Katniss sits up and stares at me.

"He wasn't supposed to do that." She says.

"That was as bad as our berries." I say to her. She starts to laugh but we're startled by his cool voice from behind us.

"Almost – as bad as your berries." Haymitch says to us, coolly holding a drink in his hand.

"Haymitch!" I call out to him feeling surprised and startled. It's the first thing he has said to us since the reaping. "you're holding a drink – and it's in a glass not a bottle." I say to him hoping to take attention away from the 50th Quell we just watched. I don't want him to be mad. Katniss starts laughing and she buries her face in my chest.

Haymitch smiles at us. "Alright you got a look. I hope you're impressed." He says.

"I'm very impressed." I say honestly and Katniss starts clapping. "It was defiant with the right amount of surliness and a touch of a fuck you." I say and Katniss laughs harder. "Only you Haymitch – you are the master." I say admirably.

He nods. "Go to bed you two. You have a long week ahead of you, and that doesn't include the Arena." He orders us.

Katniss and I get up and walk away hand in hand. When we get to our train compartments we stop and look at each other. I bid her a good night and her smile leaves her. I pull my hand away from her and I can tell she doesn't want to let go. She doesn't have to say it she wants me to hold her tonight, I just don't know that I can handle sharing a bed with her. Everything inside of me feels vibrant because of what I'm about to face and I need to take care of myself first, it's for the best.


	21. Chapter 21

The next day we prepare to arrive to the Capitol. As the train pulls in there are crowds lining up along the rails with giant pictures of me and Katniss. They are besides themselves that we are back. Right now, they don't seem to care that we are back to potentially die, but they are nuts over our undying love for each other, at least that's what the signs say. Katniss joins me in the dining room and runs into my arms again.

"Did you see that insanity out there?" She asks angrily.

"Yes." I say. "You're going to have to hide that scowl." I point out to her.

"Fuck them, Peeta. I don't care anymore." She says.

"I do, we need sponsors." When I say this she rolls her eyes. She looks at me and sighs. "Listen it's not like last time. This time you know I'm on your side. You're not alone." I say to her as I rub her back.

"Neither are you." She tells me seriously. The train comes to a complete stop and the only thing separating us from the maddening fans is the train window. They can see us and they can't wait to get their hands on us. Regardless of the deafening screams outside, I'm consumed by the way Katniss is looking at me. "You're not going in that Arena alone this time either." She tells me. I feel my blood grow cold because I'm suddenly afraid that she doesn't want to win this game, but wants me to win instead. Now it all makes sense why she put herself through months of torturous training when I knew very well that there was no way in hell she wanted to do it. She did it for me, to make sure I was in top shape.

"Katniss…" I start to reproach her but she silences me with a hard kiss. She holds my face with her hands. I see flash after flash and the crowd goes wild. I pull away and I glare at her.

"smile for the cameras." She tells me with a huge smile plastered on her face. She turns to look at the crowd and waves through the window. But I don't, I walk away instead.

We are surrounded by security as people try to grab us, kiss us, pull us, cry over us, it's crazier than when we came for the Victory Tour. I embrace Katniss protectively. I know she must be hating this. We finally arrive to the Training Center. We are welcomed in the lobby but we know this is going to be quick since the opening ceremony is today. As Katniss and I walk in, all eyes are on us. I'm looking at room full of Victors ready to kill us because we all know, that we are all back here because Snow wants to teach Katniss a lesson.

"I'm feeling the love." Katniss whispers to me. I put my arm around her and kiss her head.

The day is moving fast, before I know it we are all asked to return to our floors to get ready for the Opening Ceremony. My prep team is waiting for me and I see Mic with tears running down his face. I embrace him. Finally I see something that resembles what I'm feeling. The rest of my team prepare me. They can't get over how muscular I've become. I look at myself in the mirror and I see it too. I laugh because I worked really hard for this but I never once looked in the mirror. I suddenly think back to one of the nights I had with Ivy, she literally wowed as she ripped my shirt off. But then I feel a pang in my chest at the thought of Ivy. Mic points out that my blonde hair is getting darker and that I've also gotten taller. I'm far from the tallest guy in the competition but I have grown about three inches this year. In fact a few months ago, I needed a new prosthetic. I stare at myself in the mirror and I'm looking more like a man, I don't have that fresh face I had a year ago. Suddenly I hear Portia enter.

"Of course he's grown Mic. He's seventeen years old, this is the time children grow." Her voice cracks and I look at her. She is also on the verge of tears. I put on a robe and run to her and hold her. Now I really feel the difference. Last year, I was barely eye to eye with Portia this year she comfortably rests her head on my shoulder. She composes herself and pulls away from me.

"My beautiful boy." She says with a smile on her face.

I wipe her tears. "Portia – I'm not a boy anymore. I stopped being a boy a long time ago, long before the games Portia." I say truthfully. She cries again and composes herself again.

"We prepared something amazing for the two of you again." She smiles changing the subject. Once I'm in my outfit it's obvious that we are continuing the theme from last year. Why not, it was a huge success last year. Portia turns on the suite and it takes my breath away. We no longer have burning flames radiating. The suite makes me look like a hot ember with sparks flaking off as it glows and dims, just the way coal does.

"I love it." I say to her. She tells me I should head down with the rest to the Opening Ceremony. I get on the elevator alone and I end up picking up a few victors on my way down. They all seem very happy to meet me, which surprises me. They ask about my family and I ask about theirs. I can't help but laugh as I compare this group to last year's. We stop at Floor 4 and the woman Mags gets on board. She sees me and she flashes a large toothless smile, I am touched by her genuine greeting. She walks over to me, pulls my face down to her and kisses me on the cheek. Then she says something intelligible and smiles and turns away from me. I smile not knowing what to say to her. I stand up and realize that everyone in the elevator is looking at me. It makes me feel uncomfortable.

When we finally arrive at the ground level I am eager to find Katniss. I step out and see others looking at me and I decide to relax and be myself so I smile at them. I find it funny that this catches them off guard. Just then, I see Johanna Mason standing with a scowl that really reminds me of Katniss. She clearly doesn't want to put on a show for everyone. I see her district outfit, it's a deep green with bits of fabric that lay loosely on her tight fitting dress. Just then her stylist approaches her with what appears to be a headdress with branches. She looks disgustedly at her stylist.

"Absolutely not!" She rips the headdress from her stylist's hands and throws it on the ground. I chuckle. She turns to look at her partner and as I see her spin I see just how that dress fits her, clearly the stylist is trying to present her as sexy. I have to admit it suits her. Suddenly I realize that Johanna has been looking at me as I was observing her. And I guess I was admiring her. I smile at her and she gives me a grin that can only be described as devilish. She winks at me then turns to her stylist to berate her some more.

I turn around and I'm started to see Finnick in too close proximity to Katniss. I mean he's practically nose to nose with her. I start to walk towards them and I see that he spots me so he straightens up and steps away from Katniss. He steps away from her and walks past me but greeting me politely. I nod at him. I look at Katniss and she looks flushed, I look back at Finnick and laugh because he's wearing a net and that's about it. Katniss must have loved having him hanging around her the way he was.

"What did he want?" I ask her.

"I'll tell you when my skin stops crawling." She tells me with a shudder. I laugh.

"Seriously – what did he want?" I insist.

She laughs. "He wanted to know all my secrets" She leans into me practically speaking into my lips.

I laugh at the thought. "Your secrets?" I say.

"Yeah, he went on and on about how secrets are the most valuable things to him, more important than jewels or money that he gets from people here." She tells me, I suddenly feel tightness in my chest. Once again, I think of Madge, I can see her clearly sitting naked in my bed telling me how secrets are the most important thing in this world. Suddenly I feel Katniss shaking me.

"Sorry." I say. I compose myself. Then I realize how she was saying something about me having been lost to the Capitol because I have a weakness for beautiful things.

"Not their idea of beauty Katniss." I say to her. "I have a weakness for your kind of beauty." I grab her hand and pull her towards the chariot. She seems speechless. "Ready?" I ask her.

"Yes." She says. I step up and stand beside her. "Do we hold hands?" She asks. The chariot starts moving and we are approaching the entrance. I'm still facing her and she notices. She turns to face me too, her hands still in mine. She looks deeply into my eyes. "We're suppose to be above all of them, to not look at the audience." She tells me.

"Perfect. I'd rather look at you." As soon as we cross the entrance we switch on our suites and just like that we turn to burning hot coal – glowing with the heat that is fuming inside of us. The crowd goes crazy, their screams are deafening. She lets go of one hand and stares ahead at nothing because if she does she may destroy it. I however can't help but fix my eyes on Snow. I know his eyes are on us, well no, her.


	22. Chapter 22

After our entrance at the ceremony, I'm not too worried about getting sponsors. When our chariots come to a complete stop, I look around to look for Haymitch, Portia, and Cinna. I notice that the other tributes could care less to find their team. I laugh at myself because I'm being naive, these full grown adult Victors are done playing the game, I discount the Careers. For the most part, these Victor Tributes are either furious they've been pulled back to this hell hole or simply don't care and are prepared to die so instruction from a Mentor, escort, or prep team is unnecessary. Except for Johanna Mason, I watch her eagerly track down her stylist only to stuff that ridiculous headdress on her head. I watch her walk away cursing her out. She notices that I'm laughing at her actions and she slows her pace to look at me, she shoots me a half smile. Suddenly Finnick approaches her out of nowhere and without really looking at her and looking everywhere else around, to see who is looking, he quickly runs his hand down her waist and turns her towards him. For just a second I see his hand reach for her pinky, then playfully twists it, but then drops it. Johanna's expression transforms completely for just a second. She looks back in my direction but I look away to look at Katniss, somehow I feel like I'm intruding in a private moment. I feel Katniss pull my hand. I see she has spotted Haymitch and we start heading in their direction.

Haymitch is all laughs and smiles, which surprises me. He's talking to his good friend Chaff and Seeder from District 11. Haymitch introduces us to them and suddenly Chaff pulls Katniss in for a kiss on the lips. If I'm startled, Katniss is floored. Her eyes are wide in shock and horror. I don't say anything because we do have to hold our own, if Katniss wants to protest, slap the guy, or curse him out she needs to do it. The woman Seeder wraps her arms around her and I overhear her tell Katniss that both Thresh and Rue's families are okay. When I hear this, I feel a knot of tension release itself from my body. It's like I can breathe a little better. It's amazing, I've been thinking about this for so long, the agony of wondering became a permanent fixture that I learned to live with these past six months. Katniss smiles and turns to me and hugs me. She leans up and gives me a soft peck, which I appreciate. Seeder reaches out to touch my face and calls me a sweet boy. I start to realize that everyone here is looking at me kindly – and I do not know if I should welcome it because it doesn't feel right.

I'm in the middle of a conversation with Chaff, who is actually an interesting person when we are interrupted by security. The courteous interactions happening among the Tributes is clearly not sitting well with the Game organizers and they want us out of view. Peacekeepers invite us to head back to our training floors to relax. Of course, they can't have us looking united, what kind of competition would that be. We walk towards the elevator as Katniss grabs my hand, she hasn't said much to anyone and I'm sure she's glad to head back to our floor. As I'm standing waiting for an elevator I feel a hand on my shoulder. I turn around and it's Johanna – up close and personal.

"Hi." I say to her with a smile.

"Hi." She smiles back at me, her hand than drops from my shoulder to my arm and she helps herself to assessing the size of my arm. "You're all grown up." She states plainly. She continues to look me up and down. "Great costume." She says, it occurs to me that she is purposely disregarding Katniss's presence. "I hate my stupid stylist – trees – how original." She then proceeds to strip off her dress and she's wearing nothing. Chaff and Haymitch notice her for a second, chuckle, and then continue to talk as if it's the most normal thing to do. Clearly, this is typical behavior for Johanna. I feel Katniss squirming and I look at her. She's been paying attention and Johanna's brazenness is making her uncomfortable. I can tell that she wants to disappear. I look back at Johanna since she's now holding on to my other hand so that she balances herself as she slips off the rest of her costume.

I can tell that she's testing me. She's actually not making me uncomfortable, nudity is really not a big deal in the District. However, there's a time and place for it. I decide to play along. When she finally straightens up she looks at me wearing nothing more than her smile and shoes. I make a point to look her up and down as I smile approvingly, and really she's a beautiful woman. There's something very natural about her standing here like this.

"Those shoes must be uncomfortable." I point out to her. I feel Katniss tuck at my hand and I look at her direction and she's glaring at me. I'm sure she'd prefer it if I didn't engage with Johanna so that maybe she can go away. We finally walk into the elevator, a crowded elevator, which makes Johanna stand all too close to me and making Katniss even more angry. I can tell because she's digging her nails into my hand. Johanna is still laughing over my comment about her shoes.

"Yes they are uncomfortable." She reaches out to me again to balance herself but this time she goes for the hand that is holding Katniss's hand. I notice Johanna stare at our hands and she smirks. She proceeds to remove her shoes. It's amazing, once they are off she's basically Katniss's height. "Hello there" she finally acknowledges Katniss, as if before she couldn't bother to look beneath her to find her presence. This tone doesn't go unnoticed by Katniss and so she just stares at her not returning her greeting. Johanna ignores it and instead she stares the impossible height of her heel and shows it to me. "I would love to bury this in my stylist's neck." There is a proper tone to her voice that totally contradicts the obscenities that come out of her mouth.

Because we are so packed in the elevator my costume is switched back on and I begin to glow which makes us laugh because Johanna is standing a breath away from me and my light only radiates her naked body. I choose not to turn off my switch. It's hard not to look at her breasts but I decide to not avoid it, like I said she's testing me.

"So, I hear you're quite the artist. I saw your paintings when you visited District 7." She points out to me.

"How come we didn't see you there?" I ask.

She laughs. "I'm usually not on my best behavior so they leave me out those social gatherings, especially since there are cameras around." She says. "But I did see your paintings. While you two were falling all over yourselves with kisses and champaign I was off in another part of the building looking at the horrors of your work." She stares intensely at me. "I was impressed. What does someone have to do to get you to remember them with such fine detail." She says seductively at me. I smile at her.

"I'm observant I guess. I never know what is going to stand out to me. Things that may appear like nothing can say so much." I feel bold, I let go of Katniss's hand, and I reach out to grab Johanna's pinky finger and playfully twist it, exactly the way Finnick grabbed it earlier. For a second, just for a second, she drops the act and she looks furious. She glares at me even, but she recovers. "It's your floor Johanna." I point out to her as someone holds the elevator doors open for her. She looks flustered again for a second; she turns around and walks away. I smile satisfied with myself and it takes me a moment to realize that Katniss is glaring at me. Then I hear Haymitch and Chaff laugh at me. I stare at Haymitch; he thinks that I was a fumbling adolescent boy drooling over the sexy naked woman. How little he knows me, always underestimating me. As far as I know, I uncovered a big weakness from what may be our biggest competition, Johanna and Finnick.

We see Chaff and Seeder off at floor eleven and we finally arrive. When we walk onto our floor, Katniss throws my hand and she glares at me.

"What?" I ask defensively.

"Why did you have to keep talking to her?" She protests. "She's disgusting and desperate and clearly crazy." She says angrily.

"Katniss don't you see they were testing us. Especially you." I say to her. She looks confused. "Katniss come on – they're practically babying me, the way Chaff kissed you…" I pause to see if anything registers.

"Why would they do that?" She asks.

"Because we're young, we're new, naïve, and probably the whole reason behind this special Quell. That and they are thrilled at the opportunity to embarrass you because … well you know how you are." I say simply.

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?" She asks defensively. I roll my eyes at her.

"Katniss – you are so… you're so pure." I say laughing, I'm hoping she can just let this go but she only looks more furious.

"Pure?!" she screams. "I've been all over you every time there is a camera on us – that's all they've seen. A hot and bothered delusional young girl crazy over her boyfriend." She protests. "I've practically been ripping your clothes off." She adds for good measure.

I laugh and this makes her even more angry. "Katniss practically ripping my clothes off is not the same as actually doing it." I say to her.

"What the hell was I supposed to do walk around naked like that lunatic? That wasn't going to happen." She points out.

"Katniss it's not about sex – at our Games you couldn't even look at me naked, never mind that I was close to dying, starved, and bleeding your propriety couldn't let you look at me to help me. I think that reality stuck out in their minds more than your acting skills as the girl in love. Which, may I add, I doubt they buy anyway." She looks startled when I say this to her. She's about to say something to me but she's distracted and looks as if she has seen a ghost. I look behind me and I see Darius. Our old peacekeeper, standing looking completely dehumanized, now an avox here to serve us and of course completely derail Katniss. She storms off into her room. Effie walks in and sees our Avoxes and points out that we have a matching set, referring to the matching red hair. Haymitch stands next to me as he stares sadly at Darius.

"Do we have any other new avoxes serving us this year?" I ask Effie. Haymitch looks at me and I'm sure he thinks of Ivy's father. If he's here, Snow knows what I did and possibly knows everything else.

"No Peeta, we only get two." She says simply and she goes on and on about the rest of the schedule. "Peeta could you get Katniss to join us for dinner." She requests.

I walk towards Katniss's room, I knock on her door and ask her to join us for dinner.

"Go away!" she yells at me through the door. I walk away without insisting there's no point.

I tell Effie that she will not be joining us for dinner and we don't see her for the rest of the day.

At night I feel a little stir crazy. I think of the night before and how Katniss felt in my arms while we were in the train and I long for her. I know she wanted me to sleep with her last night but I couldn't handle it. But tonight I want nothing more. Why the hell not, I've respected her relationship with Gale, but I don't owe him anything anymore. She's going to go home to him at the end of it all. So after I get ready for bed I head over to Katniss's room. I knock on her door. I press my ear to the door and I hear her moving around in there. I knock again and I hear nothing. No response. She's shutting me out. I press my forehead to the door and I look down the hallway. I see Darius standing at the end of the hall and I realize he's the reason. Darius ended up here when he dared to stand up for Gale. How can we share the intimacy of sleeping together and holding each other when he's here. Darius and I stare at each other and mouths the words – I'm sorry. He looks ashamed suddenly and he looks down then he looks at me, wipes the tears down his eyes, and mouths back to me – I'm sorry too – for everything. We nod at each other and he walks away. I walk back to my room.


	23. Chapter 23

The next morning we are all to go to large brunch with our fellow Tributes. I don't see Katniss until the very last second and Haymitch is threatening her to come out of her room. She runs into the elevator. I try to give her a hug but she pushes me away.

"Don't touch me." She says coldly. Effie and Haymitch eye her curiously.

"What the hell is your problem?" I ask and she doesn't even look at me. "Are you still mad about yesterday?" I ask her but she ignores me and she doesn't look at me, this infuriates me. "Will you look at me when I'm talking to you! You brat!" She looks at me now, she glares at me. Effie looks enthralled by what she's witnessing. It occurs to me that her Capitol friends would kill to see this lover's quarrel.

"Don't fucking talk to me like that!" She screams back.

"Language!" Effie shrieks. Katniss rolls her eyes at her.

"No really why are you mad? Are you mad about the pure comment, everyone making fun of you, Johanna hitting on me, or Darius, because what happened to him is not my fault!" I stop and wait for a response but instead she looks away again and pretends to ignore me which only makes me more mad. "Or are you mad at me for not going to bed with you on the train ride here?" I lay it all out there and yes I'm trying to embarrass her. She actually tries to charge me when I say the last remark but Haymitch stops her.

"Easy there sweetheart – remember – you two love each other." He says to us. We get off the elevator and walk towards the banquet hall in total silence. As we enter the room, Haymitch rests his arms over our shoulders. "Why don't you two love birds take a break and mingle with the others. You two are going to need allies this year. We talked about this already." He says.

"Splendid. I better get to work then because if we need allies, she's going to chase everyone away, they'll kill us off before we even get to the Arena." I walk away before she can say anything. I walk towards the buffet table and start mingling with the other Tributes. Before long I gather a crowd of us, even the Careers sit down and eat. We have good conversation and I learn about all of them. This makes the whole idea of the Arena harder. For a while I realize that I like them then I shudder at the idea that I may have to kill them. I need some space. I excuse myself and say I need to get something to drink. As I walk away I see Katniss sitting at a far away table, sitting next to the nervous and socially awkward tributes from District 3. Typical. But then my heart melts a little, I think back to our days in school, like always I was surrounded by people and she was off on the sidelines looking distracted with Madge as her only company. I feel terrible for everything I said to her and I want to apologize. I look at the table in front of me and see sugar cookies with frosted flowers on them. It's all I got at my disposal. So I grab one to take to her as a token of my apology. Suddenly Johanna Mason appears, blocking my path. I roll my eyes.

"That's rude." She says.

"I'm sorry – I didn't mean it, you startled me." I say.

She looks at the cookie in my hand and looks behind her in Katniss's direction. She smiles at me again. "Aren't you a baker too?" She says.

"Yes." I say.

"Can you decorate like this?" She asks as she pulls my hand holding the cookie to her lips and takes a bite out of it. I smile.

"Yes." I say.

"Are yours better than these?" She asks smiling seductively at me. Her double meaning is not lost on me.

"Much better." I say playfully.

She smiles sweetly. "You are really too much. So sweet." She reaches out to touch my cheek. "So…" She lingers on.

"Innocent?" I offer, since everyone looks at me that way.

She laughs. "You are no innocent Peeta Mellark." She grabs my hand and lifts it towards her face to observe it closely and seductively. "Look at these, full of calluses, burns, they are mighty strong too. Yet they can paint the most delicate details on a canvas and even frost flowers on cookies. I can only imagine what they can do in bed." She states. "Too bad about this Quell, one more year or two and I would have loved to get my hands on you." She says laughing while still running her fingers through my hand.

I just stare at her. "Are you done now?" I say.

"I'm just making an observation Peeta. I'm also observant, very observant. And while everyone has been driving themselves nuts over what brainless over there.." she points in Katniss's direction "does next, I've had my eye on you. Ever since you did that hell of a strip tease during last year's Games." She says.

"You mean when I was close to dying and Katniss helped clean all the dirt, grime, and puss off me? That strip tease?" I say.

" Close to dying and you still looked scrumptious." She responds.

"Thank you." I say simply and I start to walk away from her but she steps in front of me again.

"As I was saying I pay very close attention too, I never know what is going to stand out to me. Things that may appear like nothing can say so much." I stop to look at her because she's clearly done playing with me and she has something to say. She's feeding me the same line I gave her yesterday. So she has my full attention.

"What do you want Johanna?" I ask seriously.

"I saw your reaping, I've seen it a lot actually. I saw something that I couldn't believe so I had to watch it over and over and over again…" She looks at me smugly. She pauses and then she continues. "Why did you apologize?" She asks.

Suddenly all I hear is her and voices of the other Tributes echoing in the banquet hall disappear, and my heart beat starts to pick up pace, I swear I can hear blood rushing in my ears. I swallow.

"What?" I ask.

"You apologized, when Effie called Haymitch's name you had tears running down your face and you apologized. You mouthed the words – I'm sorry." She whispers stepping closer to me. "Who did you apologize to?" She asks.

I stay calm and shrug. "My family, friends, everyone really – no one wanted me to volunteer I know that."I say. I'm hoping that I don't appear nervous I refuse to even allow myself to think of Ivy.

"Oh – that's sad." She says pitifully and insincerely. She continues. "I can honestly tell you no one in Panem wanted you to do what you did. Me included." She adds, now coming across more genuine. She stays quiet for a few seconds and looks very sincere. "Especially not for Katniss - she's not worth it." She tells me. This makes me wince and finally I walk around her to keep moving.

"It's none of your business." I say as I walk past her.

But then she attacks. "Peeta" She calls to me but I don't stop walking. "Who's the red-head Peeta?" She asks. And my blood grows cold. I turn on my heel to face her. I feel the blood leave my head and I feel light headed. I have that disconnected feeling, that I haven't felt in a while. I walk towards her and grab her wrist and pull her towards me. I squeeze – hard. She winces and she tries to break free but I don't let go and she continues to smile.

"Shut your mouth Johanna – you don't say a word you hear me." I talk through my teeth I'm so tense.

"Who is she? I heard a scream and yes there were gasps in the audience but there was one scream… and for a second, just a second this glorious red-head looked hysterical" She continues. "It's all on tape." She adds.

"Shut up, Shut up…" I keep squeezing tighter and she struggles more. Finally she winces and shuts up.

"Let go of me!" she screams at me and finally all eyes are on us.

"You say one word about her to anyone and I swear I will grind every bone in your body to dust with my bare hands. I swear it." I threaten her, and at this point I've pulled her so close to me that we are facing off. Suddenly I feel hands pulling at me and I see Finnick pulling her away. I let go of her wrist and Johanna smiles triumphantly at me as Finnick is pulling her away. I get it we have a deal, I don't say a word about her and Finnick and she won't say a word about the red head.

"Hey" I hear Katniss calling me. She grabs my face with her hands and turns me to her. I still can't take my eyes off Johanna. "Hey! Look at me." Katniss keeps calling me. She even goes in to kiss me to get me to snap out of it. I finally focus on her. I feel scared, for the first time since getting here, I feel scared.

I throw my arms around her. "I'm sorry Katniss." I say to her. "I should not have yelled at you like that and I should not have said those things." I say.

"It's okay – I was being a brat." She kisses me again to call a truce. I press her forehead to mine and I take a few moments to catch my breath. "What did she do?" She asks.

"Nothing really – I'm just tense and in a foul mood." I say.

"Peeta – that's unlike you. You were threatening her, I could tell." She says.

"Don't worry, it's fine. I'll apologize to her later." I say again.

Katniss pulls me back towards the empty table where she had been sitting with the Tributes from District 3. Beetee eyes me curiously before he stands up to leave, he clearly wasn't expecting sweet innocent Peeta to lose it before everyone here and threaten one of the other Tributes.

"And here I thought I was going to be the one to ruin our chances in finding allies." She says sarcastically.

I laugh. "I'm sure you're so disappointed." I say. "It's just Johanna – I wouldn't trust her to be an ally anyway. Would you?" I ask her.

She looks at me amused and looks past me in her direction. "Yeah, I suppose I could trust her to feed me arrows and her axe. " She nods. "She hates me, in a major way." She says.

"I noticed. Clearly in her book you're responsible for her being here again." I say.

She nods and she thinks about this. "If that's the case I'm the target for 22 Tributes, Victor Tributes." She says. "But you should get allies Peeta. They like you and from what I can tell they are actually heartbroken that you are here. And, I'm not saying they'll die for you, but they'll think twice before they hurt you and you'll get chances to take them out." She says as she eyes all of the tributes.

"Stop thinking about me, think about yourself Katniss." I say. "Look – we do need to think about finding allies. Haymitch wants us to do it anyway. Who do you like?" I ask her.

"I like Mags, and Beetee, and his partner." She says sheepishly.

I laugh. "Of course you do." I say.

"Who do you have in mind?" she asks defensively.

"We'll keep thinking it over. Look, we are contenders, we are faster and younger than all of them and equally as lethal. Let's face it, they know we are two, not one. They're going to be interested because it will be advantageous." I'm interrupted by some of the Tributes I left at the other table.

"Hey Peeta! We weren't done talking come back. I promise we'll keep Johanna on the opposite end of the table!" They all begin to laugh and l look back at them with a smile.

"I'll be right there." I call out to them. "Come on." I say to Katniss as I tug at her arm. She resists.

She rolls her eyes. "Why do I have to go too?" She asks. I look at her in disbelief. "I'm not good at this. I don't like most of them." She says with a laugh.

"They're not that bad." I say to her.

She looks at me in disbelief. "Go figure. Seriously, how and why did you ever notice me? Just like in school, you were always surrounded by a crowd that wanted you nearby. I am an ogre in comparison to you – what could you have possibly liked about me?" She says laughing.

I smile at her. "After the last games, you still don't know the effect you can have in people do you?" I say in disbelief.

"Peeta, please. I needed a team to convince everyone, and I guess I lucked out that I clean up nicely and I look good in a dress. You add Cinna's talents and they had the perfect package to sell. Oh and of course, you add the perfect boy willing to die for me out of love... I had nothing to do with it. I'm not like you – all you need is your intelligence and your wit – and charm – your kindness." She says smiling at me and I actually see her looking at me adoringly.

"You're lethal, a survivor, and you have killer instincts. No one was counting on your hunting skills – you have a certain quality to you – your spirit is intuitive and you always do the right thing… It's why I'd die for you and others would too." I lean into her and whisper in her ear, she stares at me attentively. "That' why all of Panem is up in arms Katniss. I have words, yes, and I mean what I say. I'd act on them. But I don't have the intensity you have with every little thing you do. There's a fire in you… Your actions speak louder than words, my words, anybody's words really. You can't help it. That's why I'd follow you to the end." I pull back and look her in the eyes again. She stares at me softly and intensely all at once. "Come on. Let's go play nice." I grab her hand and lead her to the rest of our competition.


	24. Chapter 24

After we go back to our floor to get ready for training and return to the training quarters. This time it's different, obviously there is no point in hiding our talents. We all know what they are. In my opinion my advantages really consist of my knife throwing skills. Last time around, I surprised everyone with that ability. A household knife is really the only weapon allowed in District 12, and that's because it's considered a household appliance. I can't speak for everyone, but my brothers and I started practicing the skill with my father since we were five years old. How can you not, when we know what waits for us beginning at the age of twelve. I can honestly say that when Haymitch asked about our talents it didn't even occur to me because it almost became a game in my home. Regardless, I have great aim, I'm quick, and it pains me to say that it made me lethal. Then there's my strength, yes good and helpful but that means I need to get close for hand to hand combat. The risks with that are very dangerous and costly, I have a prosthetic leg to show for it. Looking around my only real competition when it comes to physical strength will be the Careers, however I'm younger and I know I'll have more speed and endurance because of it. Finnick is taller than me, but we probably weight about the same amount. I think I can outsmart him in a fight, he's lethal with weapons I don't think he would want to risk an actual fight. I observe everyone and make note of everything. I head towards the hand-to-hand combat trainers. As I wait for my turn I look around and find Katniss working with Mags on the ropes. I laugh and nod in disbelief, she's hopeless.

"Hey Mellark." Finnick approaches me. Aside from his pulling Johanna out of my grasp, he hasn't made an attempt to talk to me at all. Until now.

"Hi." I smile at him and I look back at the mats as I wait for my turn.

"I'm sorry about Johanna – she's a handful." He says to me.

I look at him. "You don't have to apologize for her. You didn't do anything." I say to him. "Besides, I had it coming." I add.

He raises his brows looking surprised. "Oh?" He asks. "It's never not her fault." He laughs.

I look away and pay attention to what is going on the mats again. "We were pushing buttons, I pushed the wrong one… or the right one I guess." I look at him again. "She pushed back." I say. "Flirting gone terribly wrong." I add laughing. Finnick studies me and gives me a tight smile.

"You won't hold it against her then." He says. I'm startled to hear him talk like this and my face must show it. He's implying that I have power in this situation, and maybe I do, I just don't understand why. We just stare at each other. Suddenly I feel arms wrap around me from behind. I look down and then behind me. I see Johanna's eyes peering up at me.

"He won't hold it against me Finnick." I look back at him then turn my attention to her. She smiles at me. "We have an understanding, don't we Peeta." She says sweetly. I start to laugh. "What?" she asks me and I unwrap her arms and pull her so that she's standing in front of me. I drop her arms.

"I don't know what to make of you." I admit to her because she's not trustworthy, she's manipulative, she's deadly, and yet I can say I like her – I have a nagging gut instinct that is begging me to trust her. But she hates Katniss, so how can I? She must know this because she looks at me the way a child does when they know they are about to get their way. We stare quietly at each other and we begin to laugh. I notice everyone looking at us, I'm sure it's strange I was ready to tear her hand off earlier today and now we're laughing like old friends. Even Finnick looks uncomfortable.

"Peeta, did you know I can wrestle?" She asks suddenly.

"No, but I'm not surprised." I say honestly.

"I picked it up while trying to find a talent after I won my Games." She says and Finnick rolls his eyes and tries to contain laughter. She begins to explain. "Long time ago, there was an empire that had a particular kind of wrestling – when I read about it, I was fascinated. I'll show you – I have to go get ready." She skips off.

I look back at Finnick but he averts my eyes and pays attention to the trainer's instructions instead.

A few minutes go by and the instructor is ready to let us spar, he asks for a volunteer and of course, I raise my hand. As I step onto the mat, I feel someone jump on me from behind. I'm startled for a second but I recover and I grab the arms wrapped around me, which turn out to be slippery and greasy. While trying to pull on the slippery arms, I lose my balance and fall on my back and I see her. Johanna has come back, completely naked again, covered in some kind of oil. She's got me, I'm shocked. I just lay back and laugh. She then proceeds to straddle me, as I lay on my back.

"I'm not wrestling you like this." I say trying to keep a straight face.

"Why? Am I that disarming?" She says teasingly.

"You're dangerous…" I say to her.

Then I feel the full impact of Katniss tackling Johanna off me shouting all sorts of obscenities at her. They are actually rolling around the ground and Johanna is actually struggling to contain Katniss. A part of me is proud because our training paid off. I rush to my feet and run towards them and Finnick is right there to help contain the situation. I pull Katniss off her and she's still actually trying to grab for Johanna. I have to lift her off the ground and hold her up against a wall.

"Katniss stop it! What's gotten into you?" I ask her. Johanna is calling Katniss all sorts of names and threatening to kill her the moment she steps on the Arena and Katniss is shouting right back. Johanna calls Katniss trash and that I'm way too good for her. Katniss just tells her to keep her dirty hands off me or else… No matter what I say, Katniss is furious. I finally have to grab her face and press my mouth to hers. She finally stops, she looks angrily at me, and pushes me away.

"Don't touch me!" she yells at me and storms out of the training area. I'm left standing there staring at the wall. I compose myself and walk back towards to the hand-to-hand combat station. Finnick is there with Johanna who is now wearing his shirt and her pants. I just nod disapprovingly at her but she's still looking in the direction Katniss went then she looks at me in disbelief.

"I don't know what the fuck that was about." I say to her before she says anything.

Her jaw drops then she laughs and sighs as her eyes get bigger. "Peeta – she was raging mad jealous… You don't realize that?!" She asks me as if I were the dumbest person in the world.

"She's not the jealous type Johanna." I say laughing at the thought.

"Peeta she doesn't want me touching you, talking to you, she's been glaring at me all day today." She points out to me.

"She's just tense and she didn't like our fight from earlier. She's being protective of me is all." I add.

"I can't believe you don't want to see that your Fiancee" She stresses the word fiancée to let me know that she knows the whole thing is a farce "doesn't like women throwing themselves at you. What do you think that means?" She says to me.

"Back off Johanna, it's none of your business." Finnick tells her. She turns to look at him ready to protest. "We're all tense here." He adds.

"No Finnick, that was real – that was not an act – she was an irrational jealous girl lashing out because she didn't want my hands on Peeta. I know how that feels." She protests to him and eyes him knowingly. I pretend not to care about their conversation.

"Drop it." Is all he says.

I end up wrestling Johanna but I take it easy, she's pretty good actually. I wanted to spar with Finnick but he refused.

The rest of the day I have a nagging feeling about what Johanna was saying. It never occurred to me that Katniss would feel jealous, I think about her outbursts that day at the pond, she brought up Madge's gracefulness when all I wanted to talk about was training, the portrait of Madge she destroyed, the day she and Gale nearly caught is in my kitchen, that pitiful look she had on her face. Was she jealous? I notice a crowd building up in a corner of the training room. I see arrows hitting all sorts of moving objects. I smile and head in that direction. I don't even know when Katniss returned to the training center but she did. She's moving and running and rolling on the ground as she pulls arrow after arrow hitting every single moving target. She has speed, finesse, agility, skill, and she's actually laughing doing it. I know in that moment that we have seized to exist. I can't keep my eyes off her, this is Katniss, strong, powerful, and confident. This is when she is most beautiful and alluring. That admiration I have for her intensifies in just a few seconds. The trainer finally stops throwing things and Katniss still has a triumphant smile on her face. Then she looks in our direction because she must feel the silence and all eyes burning her. She looks at us, walks over to set down the bow and walks away, very much letting us know just how beneath her we all are. Further, that if they want an ally they'll have to work for it. I smile, because I know she's going home.

We are all instructed to go back to our floors, we're done for the day. I head towards the elevator and I look at Katniss who is still avoiding me. Katniss purposely gets away from me but I know that she's standing behind me. Others talk to me as we wait and I converse. But I'm distracted by the thought of her. For some stupid reason, I feel thrilled over the thought that Katniss could actually feel jealous over me. Every time I think about it a smile sneaks out of me. As the elevator door opens and people start moving forward to enter it, I wait to move until Katniss is standing closer behind me, I then turn around suddenly and pull her arm towards me as I step back into the elevator and lean against a wall. This makes her crash into me and I sneak a kiss. I actually get a smile out of her, and when I see this, I pull her into me by wrapping my arms around her waist and pulling her towards me. I can see others staring at us. So I whisper in her ear.

"That was some shooting. I'd never seen you do that." I say to her.

She's more than happy to hide in my arms, She presses her hands into my chest and rests her face on them. She looks up and talks into my ear.

"I should have taken you into the woods." She says.

I laugh. "I think I would have chased away your game. Remember heavy walking." I whisper into her ear. She laughs and then she rests her head against my chest. Her fingers begins to tap the rhythm of my heart beat against my chest, just like she does when we sleep together. I smile and I begin to run my hand through her braid. I look up and I see everyone looking at us. I smile at them and then I look away. I realize that this closeness must be weird for them because they all know our whole star-crossed lover bit is a farce, maybe they didn't expect to see that we actually care about each other.

We walk into our floor and Effie is fussing over setting up the dinner table. I run to my room to shower and clean up. I come back out and I sit on the couch and I start flipping the pages of a book. I look up and see Katniss walking towards me. She appears to be studying me, that look she gives me when I'm not looking.

"Hey." I say to her and I can't help but look her up and down she looks beautiful. She notices and she blushes. She rushes to sit down next to me and laughs. "Sorry. I can't help it." I say and she smiles without looking at me and she actually leans into me, so I move my arm around her.

"What's the book about?" she asks moving my hand to flip through the pages. When our hands touch I feel a spark. I start to tell her what the book is about and as I talk she begins to run her fingers through my hand, with her finger she gently circles around every single scar and burn on my hand. This gentle little touch is slowly intoxicating me. I move my other hand to the back of her neck and I start to grace my thumb up and down the nape of her neck. When I do this, I can see that her breathing speeds up a little.

Just then, Darius and the other Avox walk into the room and this makes her jump. She sits up and suddenly can't take her eyes off Darius. He avoids her eyes. I reach out to hold her arm to tell her it's okay, that what happened to Darius is not her fault but she pulls her arm away from me shooting me a cold stare. "Don't" she tells me sternly.

Her attitude makes me mad and I grab her arm again but she tries to pull away and stand up but I don't let go. She leans back against me. "Don't shut me out just because he's here." I plead. "We don't have a lot of time, don't do that to me." I say to her. Her eyes soften.

"I'm sorry Peeta. You're right. I just – don't know what to do when I feel this way." She whispers to me.

"Feel what?" I ask, as I move my finger back to the nape of her neck and she closes her eyes and inhales sharply at the sensation of it.

" That… Peeta I can't respond to you – I don't know if I can, I don't know how. I know all these feelings are coming from a place of nostalgia and what if… but I can't forget who is back home. I still feel like I have to respect that. Seeing Darius here, reminds me of the Hob, of him, and I feel guilty." She says. I pull my hand away instantly feeling completely dejected. Thankfully, Effie comes in announcing dinner. I get up and walk away without saying a word.

We move to the dinner table and Portia and Cinna arrive. I sit as far away from Katniss as I can. I suddenly wish I had held on to the distance I built between us before leaving District 12, at least it shielded me from this heartache. Thankfully Haymitch arrives drunk and happy. He announces that there are official requests to ally with us. I tell him that it's because we finally saw her shoot. Katniss kills his buzz when she tells him she wants to ally with Mags and District 3.

I laugh and say "Nuts and Volts."

"Nuts and Volts?" She asks.

"Johanna calls them that…" I begin but she cuts me off.

"Oh well if Johanna says it then I'm sure…" I interrupt her too.

"She SAID, that was the nickname they got after their Games. She's a little weird and he electrocuted over half of the competition in his Games. Making him the winner." I say defensively.

She just scowls at me and I roll my eyes. I don't say much for the rest of dinner.

We move over to the living room and watch the day's recap. Katniss makes a point to sit away from me and prefers to sit between Cinna and even Haymitch. Apparently, Capitol TV has a special over the tributes. They showed the reapings again and this time I pay close attention to ours and I see and hear everything Johanna mentioned to me. This makes me incredibly nervous. I feel comforted because nobody else seems to notice. I look at all of them and no one notices my silent apology and no one asks about the hysterical screaming. And Johanna was right, for a few seconds you can see Ivy's destroyed expression. It breaks my heart. I feel frozen to the couch, I hope no one notices.

Then Caesar appears on the screen and announces the fighting has begun among the Tributes. Haymitch continues to talk over the television. Caesar starts by announcing that I seemed to have hit it off with Johanna Mason, who then took one too many comfortable liberties with me. They actually show her hanging around me, from the opening ceremony to training today. They show footage of Johanna coming up from behind me and wrapping her arms around me. Then another reporter is telling Caesar that Johanna shamelessly threw herself at me. She shows a video of her straddling me, completely naked while I lay on the mat laughing. I feel and instant headache and I reach to rub my head. The reporter than announces, don't worry Katniss supporters, look at what happened next. They actually show Katniss tackle Johanna and they show all of the nasty things they scream at each other. Even Haymitch starts to pay attention. I look at Katniss and she's bright red. She brings a pillow to her face. Caesar then asks the reporter if she knows where things left off. She tells Caesar that Katniss fought with me and stormed off the training center but then she adds that things must have thawed because they caught us cozying up in the elevator by the end of the day. They show footage of us in the elevator, I kiss her and I lean back against the elevator and pull her towards me by wrapping my arms around her waist. She smiles at me and we talk closely into each other's ears. She then rests her head against my chest as I lovingly run my hand through her braid. Wow, we do look cozy.

"Who wants to explain?" Haymitch asks.

"Not me." I say. "I'm actually tired and I'm going to go to bed." I get up and leave without looking at any of them.

I get ready for bed and there's a knock on the door. I open my door and it's Haymitch.

"Hey, come in." I move away from the door allowing him entrance.

"You all right?" he asks.

"As good as I can be." I say.

"Katniss told me what happened. It won' hurt you guys, she did hell of a job at playing the jealous girlfriend." He says laughing.

"Yeah – Johanna thought she was for real too." I say bitterly. "How are you holding up?" I ask because I genuinely care and because I want to change the subject.

"I'm miserable." Is all he says. "I just want to make sure you're okay, as well as you can be." He adds.

"I am. I want to be alone now." I say politely. He nods and pats my shoulder. He turns around and walks away but before he walks out. "Don't forget we have a deal." I say to him. He stops on his tracks, takes a deep breath and walks out. I try to sleep that night but I fail miserably.

The next day I have the looming pressure of picking what special skill I'm going to show the Game makers. I could care less really, I could get a score of zero for all I care. They know what we can do, what's the point. I don't even realize what I want to do until it's my turn to walk in. I paint Rue, dead Rue surrounded by flowers. I paint every delicate detail, I want them to feel haunted. I must have the desired effect because their raucous laughter has stopped, it's deadly quiet in there. I head back towards my floor and shower and get ready for dinner again. I'm not in a good mood, I realize that, so I avoid conversation all together. Katniss is tense and I know I'm the reason for it since she keeps looking at me. Haymitch wants to know what we did. Katniss suddenly looks nervous. Haymitch asks me to answer his question without attitude. When I tell them what I did, they are all horrified, even Cinna and Portia.

"I needed to do this. They're attacking me and I'm allowed to hit back. If I hurt you I'm sorry, but I don't regret it." I say. Haymitch throws his spoon on the table. They're all quiet, they expect this from Katniss not me. Just then Katniss breaks the silence and tells us that she hung a dummy that she named Seneca Crane. My eyes jump to meet hers for the first time all day. When we see each other, we smile whole heartedly.

"Did you plan this without consulting me?" Haymitch snarls at us.

"No. I didn't even know what I was going to do until I walked in to the demonstration." I say honestly.

"Me too." Says Katniss. We smile at each other and I feel impossibly close to her again and I know she feels it too.

We move to the living room to get our scores, this time Katniss sits next to me and holds my hand. Bam! We both score twelve. Perfect scores, a first in Hunger Games history. Haymitch announces that he can't stand the site of us so we get up without saying a word.

As we walk down the hall together hand in hand, we stop in front of our respective bedroom doors and look at each other. She gives me a beaming smile and throws her arms around me and laughs.

"What made you do it?" she asks.

"I wanted to hurt them Katniss. I feel like they don't see us as human, they forced a child to murder that little girl. I guess I wanted to hold them accountable. All of their deaths is on them." I say honestly and I don't care who is listening.

"It was genius." She says proudly. "I wanted to scare them – clearly our heads aren't the only ones that roll during these Games. They should think about that." She says with a smile. I run my hand through a lock of hair that keep falling out of place and I tuck it behind her ear. This gesture makes her look at me and I pull my hand away when I remember the conversation she had with me earlier.

"Sorry." I say as I pull away. "Good night." She grabs my hand.

"Wait." She says and I look at her and I can tell she doesn't want to let go of our closeness, not yet anyway.

I sigh. "Katniss – I can't keep doing this – hot and cold thing we do. It's hard on me." I say without reproaching her.

"I know. I'm sorry…" She says.

"Katniss – just – don't apologize let's not make it an issue. I don't want you to feel tense or uncomfortable around me." I tell her.

"And I want to make you happy." She says. I'm not sure what she means by this. "What would make you happy?" she asks.

I smile "To spend every possible moment of the rest of my life with you." I say sincerely and I can tell that my statement takes her breath away. She smiles at me and pulls me towards her as she goes for her bedroom door.

"Well then – come on in." She says as she pulls me into her bedroom.

We rush to her bed and we climb in. There is something different about the feeling I get from sharing this bed. I can count the nights we spend together, it was always completely innocent, a comforting necessity that allowed us to find shelter from our traumatizing nightmares, and the suffocating pain left to us by the Games. As close and as intimate as it was, it was never more than that. It bound us but not the way it feels tonight. The moment she finds my body to wrap herself in her usual spot, a warmth begins to radiate, and instead of setting us into a calm slumber it wakes us up. I can tell she's awake because her fingers keep tapping the rhythm of my heart beat against my chest. I try to soothe myself into a sleep by running my hand in circles across her back but instead of soothing me, I feel a friction building between my fingers and her body and it feels impossibly good, like waves of electricity that radiate from my fingertips to the rest of my being. She stops tapping her fingers and instead begins to run her hand across my chest, and that only intensifies the friction between us. Through my shirt, she begins to outline the lines of my defined torso, she begins the trail on my chest and then runs the trail down to my abdomen over and over again. We lay like this for hours until sleep finally consumes us, I realize that we had been fighting it in order to keep feeling a building tension that left us a piercing pleasurable unfulfilled desire.


	25. Chapter 25

The next morning I wake up first and she's in my arms, in her usual spot. It' s amazing how our bodies conform to each other, even though months have gone by without us sleeping together. I start to run my hand in circles on her back again and I feel the charge again. So, I stop. I realize that this sensation we experienced is as much as she can give and as close as I can get to her. This touch is as much as her loyalties back home will allow her to give. I realize for the first time how much I hold back. Any physical contact with her has always been calculated, which is crazy because I dreamt about kissing Katniss my whole life and when I do it's completely censored, calculated, or contained. Plus, I know it's forced on her part, there has never been anything intimate about them. I think back to one kiss we shared in the arena, when I wasn't completely sick or delirious and it felt real but I remind myself of what the circumstances were and discount it. I admire my restraint because I think back to all the times I let desire consume me. I think back to how I chose to forget about my platonic friendship with Madge so that we could give into our desires or how many times I lost all logic just to feel the pleasure of being with Ivy. I think back to the night I saw Gale and Katniss together, earnestly making out outside her home in the dark, I can only imagine what that lead to. I can't even begin to imagine what it would be like to be with her like that. I used to think about it when I was younger because, well, I could imagine any girl back then really. But after I got to really know her, I didn't know what to think, so I simply don't think about it anymore.

I decide to get up and begin to get ready for my day. I try not to wake her but she does. I'm already sitting up and attaching my prosthetic and I feel her throw her arms around my shoulders from behind. The feel of her breath on my neck sends radiating warmth down my spine and it makes me throw my head back towards her. I catch my breath and jump to my feet and when I turn to her she looks startled.

"You're up already?" She asks smiling at me.

"Yeah. You didn't have any nightmares." I say changing the subject and also I want to try to find that familiar and safe conversation that comes from us sleeping together.

"No I didn't. But I'm not surprised." She says sweetly. "I have you to thank for that. Did you?" She asks.

"No. I slept soundly." I say.

She smiles and looks out towards the window. "I had a hard time falling asleep though."

This makes me tense up and for some reason I don't want to talk about what we were feeling last night – not when we agreed that we would find a comfortable middle ground. "Yeah me too – we have a lot in our hands. A lot to strategize and think about." I say practically. She looks at me with what I think is a disappointed expression and nods in agreement. "Well – I better go get ready. I'll see you for breakfast. Get ready – Haymitch was awfully quiet last night and I'm sure we'll hear it today." I say to her. As I walk out I look back at her as she sits on the bed with her arms wrapped around her knees, as she studies me. When I walk out of her room and close the door behind me, I say to myself So much for no more of that hot and cold dynamic…

At breakfast, Haymitch is drunk and surly. Katniss drops the news that we don't want allies, which infuriates Haymitch that much more. He then points out that at least we won't be responsible for killing off his friends. That hurts and even Katniss winces a little. Katniss and I have an unspoken agreement that all we can afford to care about is each other, we won't play with other people's lives, especially lives that may end with our hand. We proceed to walk back to the training floor. I'm sure Haymitch has relayed our message and now I feel the tension in the room, I especially feel the animosity towards Katniss but she doesn't seem to care. Me on the other hand, people are almost babying me.

It's the first day I see the tributes from District 6 in training, and they proceed to pass out at every station. They are clearly high, both became addicts as Victors because how else were they supposed to get through surviving it all. They end up letting me camouflage them into all sorts of things as they continuously pass out. I think of Haymitch and I understand his pain, their pain. I just don't understand why he would make matters worse by becoming dependent on alcohol. I think of Mrs. Everdeen and her fears for Katniss going down that road. She can't be right, I refuse to believe it. I get the release that comes from these substances, hell when I was younger I used to experiment along with Silas and Nathan. We mostly consumed herbs that grew in the District; sleeping syrup is probably the most common substance everyone experiments with at one point or another. I remember liking the disconnected feeling I would get by taking the right amount, not enough to pass out, but enough to forget about pain or the District. I've been drunk myself, often, but I can't imagine doing that every day. The idea is nauseating and the more I think about it there is no way Katniss would sink to that lifestyle. She would have to be a different person to sink to that.

I observe everyone and I can see that everyone is more tense. The general good nature everyone was walking around with is disappearing because the Arena is looming over us. There is little to no chitchat among us. Even Johana looks focused. I'm actually a little scared of her after I see what she can do with an axe. She sparred with Enobaria in the hand-to-hand combat station, which turned into a real fight. Enoboria is easily twice her size and Johanna completely overpowered her. She's like a feral animal. She promised Enobaria that she would personally remove every single one of her disgusting teeth before the hovercraft lifts her body out of the arena.

Finnick finally asks me to spar and I'm happy to do it. I know Finnick is Katniss's biggest threat; I need to know what I'm up against. The match stays friendly but we test our limits and it turns into the longest sparring session in training. I learn a lot. For one, I'm right, while he is taller, our weight is more or less the same. Nothing I can't handle. I'm also right about out smarting him. It's not that he isn't smart, I notice how easily he panics, which tells me he's a nervous person. I wasn't expecting this since it contradicts his cool and collected seducing persona that he struts around with. He makes mistake after mistake, which allows me to pin him over and over again. None of his attempts make me panic nor does he overpower me once. I know he's not taking it easy on me, I can tell by the use and intensity of his strength. I pull a move that if carried out, could easily snap his spine in two. When I do the move, he screams in frustration and we break free from each other. He's on all fours cursing and panting as he punches the mat. I kneel and I catch my breath as I look at him. I realize that if the time comes and it falls on me to finish him off, I'll have to disarm him first. I actually start to visualize how I can kill him. I shudder at that realization. I shake the idea out of my head and I realize that I'm soaked in sweat. I remove my shirt as I stand up since it's drenched and I hate it when sweaty shirts dry on me. I suddenly notice that all of the Victors are looking at us. I realize that I've impressed them, without a doubt, Finnick is the favored contender here and I completely outmaneuvered him. I walk off the mats to get another shirt. I suddenly see Katniss looking at me smiling.

"Nice wrestling." She says.

"Want to go next?" I say teasingly.

She rolls her eyes. "No. We tried that and there's no point." She laughs.

Suddenly Johanna walks past us "Lucky, lucky girl…" she says to Katniss without stopping. Katniss blushes.

I walk towards her so that I can whisper in her ear. "You're better than you think – you almost wiped the floor with Johanna yesterday and you saw what she did with Enobaria today. Not to mention she was covered in that grease yesterday." I add laughing. She smiles at me as I pull away.

"Oh well – I guess she'll just have put her nasty hands all over you in the Arena so that I can fly into a blind rage again…" She says laughing. I smile at her. "I don't even know what came over me." She admits.

"You were jealous." I say simply because now I know it to be true. Her smile disappears and she looks at me completely disarmed. I smile and walk away from her.

I don't know why I said this to her. I just realize that there is no point in holding back my thoughts or feelings. I'll respect her boundaries but there's no point in me avoiding what is blatantly clear anymore. I know the reason why she keeps silent, I'm not forgetting why she keeps her distance, and even though that reason, Gale, hurts me; it doesn't change the fact that she is attracted to me. You add our connection and of course she's going to feel possessive of me.

As we get ready to leave one of the Game Makers makes an announcement, that there will be a special banquet in our honor, so we are expected to attend dinner in the banquet hall. Everyone protests, but it's because the last thing any of us want is to be made up by a prep team at this point. The Game Maker assures us that it won't be necessary. Johanna promises him that if her stylist shows up at her door with another outfit, it'll be the last time they hear of her. We all laugh, even Katniss.


	26. Chapter 26

The dinner with the tributes is more enjoyable than I ever thought. Even Haymitch has a good time, he's in such a good mood he forgets he's mad at us. He actually tells me he didn't know I could throw back like that.

"There's a lot about me you don' t know." I say without really thinking. I catch him staring at me curiously.

As the night progresses I see Katniss keeping more and more to herself. I can tell she's uncomfortable. I stop think for a minute and I feel the full weight of the remaining days I have left with her. The Arena doesn't count because there's no predicting what we'll be facing in there. Three days is all we have left really. I walk towards her and hug her, she hugs me back.

"Want to get out of here?" I ask her.

"You don't have to leave if you don't want to, you seem to be enjoying yourself." She points out to me.

I can feel a good buzz running though me and I realize that I don't want to feel hung over tomorrow. "I'm done, I've had enough." I tell her.

"I didn't know you drank." She says.

"You've seen me drink before, every Capitol party we were dragged to." I point out to her.

She laughs. "That was different, hell even I needed a drink to get through that. You're partying it up. And it doesn't look like it's the first time." She says to me.

"District parties." I say plainly.

"I should have guessed." She says.

I grab her hand in mine "Let's go." I say and I pull her towards the elevator. As we ride up I begin to feel my buzz more and more. I have less control of my thoughts and I start to think of everyone I will never see again. Hell, I even feel nostalgia towards my mother. We walk onto our floor and I'm remembering how she greeted me when I got back from the Games last year. When we got home she actually called me a cripple and made fun of me for my shameless desperate pathetic attempt at romance. She even pointed out how the whole town knew that Katniss had been sneaking off into the forest with that Hawthorne kid since they were kids doing who knows what… So of course Katniss couldn't possibly be interested in me. Especially now. Then she mockingly told me that Katniss was better off with Gale, a complete young man. For some reason I feel anger surge through me, followed by a residual jealousy. Katniss pulls me out of my stupor.

"Peeta – you ok?" she asks.

"yeah, just remembering something." I laugh nervously. "I think I did have too much to drink." I say.

"Are you going to be sick?" she asks.

I laugh "No" I say. "No, I'm just thinking, my mind is racing. I'm having a hard time focusing" I explain.

She nods. We walk to her room. "What are you thinking?" She asks.

"You don't want to know." I say smiling at her.

"Yes I do, tell me." She insists.

"After our last Games. When I got home my mother put me down because I lost my leg. She thought my whole devotion to you was desperate and pathetic. And that I was delusional to think that you would want me when you had been sneaking into the forest to do who knows what with that Hawthorne kid. Who she apparently thinks more of than her own son." I go to sit on the edge of the bed as I think about my mother again. "Anyway, like I said I don't know why that even came to mind. Too much to drink I guess." I am really not expecting an answer from Katniss.

"She's so wrong." She says seriously. I look at her and she looks offended and angry.

"Shit." I say aloud. "I'm sorry – Katniss it's nothing. Don't waste your time thinking about her. I'm trying to stop myself."

"For starters, she's completely wrong about me and Gale." She continues as if she didn't even hear me.

"She's not completely wrong about you and Gale, but she's not right about a lot of other things. Don't worry about it." I say and I stand up.

"She's completely off about what I want with Gale." She continues. I stare at her and her eyes meet mine. They're angry – I can tell. They look intense, disarming, and perhaps it's the alcohol but it intensifies everything inside of me, everything that I'm feeling and thinking. I start to walk towards her.

"But you don't want me Katniss." I say plainly.

"I don't know what I want" she says pitifully. "I've never had the luxury of thinking about that." She says as she looks away from me.

"Well, I've always known I wanted you." I say sadly. Her eyes meet me and I feel a pull from her because just for a second I see longing in them. That longing she told me about in 12, the one that will never win out. But I can't let that happen right now, it has to win out. At least once. I stretch out my arms to reach out to cradle her face in my hands and I pull her lips towards mine. I express all the longing that I've had cooped up inside of me and hers as well. To my delight, she responds and kisses me back just as hard. My heart is bursting. There are no cameras around this is as sincere as it gets. Her lips move in perfect unison with mine. We go from softly caressing each other's lips to sucking on them ardently. Our mouths open and our tongues touch gently, and I hear her moan softly in my mouth. My arm drops to envelop her waist and press her harder against me. Her hands have moved from my arms to my face, then she throws one of her arms around my neck in an effort to bring me down closer to her, as if that was possible at that moment. My lips leave her mouth and trail kisses down her jaw, down to her neck where I press open mouth kisses. I've been dying to taste her skin for so long. I'm only encouraged by how she presses me closer to her and her gratifying moans. I move my lips to her again and her tongue welcomes me. My hand finds its way up her shirt on her back and my skin feels like its engulfed by flames the moment my hand makes contact with the small of her back. I start to move it upward, tracing her spine and then I drop my hand to reach down to her hips so that I can press her hips into mine. When I do this, she jumps back and out of my arms and the moment escapes us. It's as if logic has found us again and reminded us that we're not supposed to be doing this because she doesn't feel the same way about me.

"I'm so sorry." I start to ramble. "I'm sorry – I am way out of line – I was way out of line. I'm sorry." I look her in the eye and I don't know what to make of the look she's giving me. She doesn't look offended just surprised. "I'm sorry. It won't happen again." I walk out of her room in record time and close the door behind me. I enter my room and close my door. I fall against the door and slide down it. I bring my hands to my head and the full effect of what just happened hits me. I kissed her. I really kissed her without holding back. And – she didn't push me away. She kissed me back. I touch my lips and I swear I can still feel her lips, their sensation, the way her skin smelled. I'm on fire – I realize that her kiss fanned this fire that has been developing inside of me and it takes everything inside of me to not return to her room and beg her for more. I take a deep breath. I start to wonder why she kissed me back the way she did. I've never been set a aflame by a kiss like this before. Yes, I'm in love with Katniss, I know that only fuels this fire but I never would have imagined that a real kiss with her would feel like this. I tell myself the same thing I told myself months ago, when we almost shared a kiss on her sofa. It's simple really, she's attracted to me. Nothing more, nothing less. For some reason this thought makes my heart come crashing down from the heights it was floating in. I'm grateful for the moment. I go into the bathroom and take a much-needed cold shower, prepare for bed, and start thinking how I'm going to make this right with Katniss. The last thing I want is to walk around this tension the next couple of days.

The next morning I wake up early and walk towards the dining room area. I find a pissed off note from Haymitch explaining that since Katniss and I are going to do whatever the hell we want anyways that we can have the day to ourselves. His final thought tells us that he still can't look at us without wanting to kill us himself. So I take it upon myself to order breakfast. When an avox approaches me with the tray of food, I take it from her and insist that I will take it to Katniss. I take the platter and add Haymitch's note to our menu. I knock on Katniss's door and I let her know that it's me. To my surprise I hear her run towards the door and it swings open. She greets me with a huge smile, I don't know what I was expecting but not this.

"Hi." I say nervously. "Haymitch said we can have the day to ourselves." I hand her his note and she looks at it with a smirk. "I wanted to serve you breakfast in bed. As a token of my apology – for my behavior last night." I say while offering her a sheepish smile.

She smiles "Peeta – you don't have to apologize to me." She says while looking at Haymitch's note in her hands. Then she peeks up at me. "Besides – I welcomed it." We just stare each other in silence and I swear I can feel tension growing between us but I convince myself that I'm imagining it. "Since we have the day to ourselves – how about we spend it upstairs." She suggests.

I smile "I'd love that." I say.

She takes my hand and we head up to the roof. Up there I let go of every tension I had inside of me. I enjoy the day and her company. We talk about everything and nothing. I sketch, we eat everything we want, we play with the building's force field and the hours carry us. As I sit sketching she comes close to me, she lies down on the ground and rests her head on my lap. I stop drawing and feel consumed with a desire to just observe her. I run my fingers through her beautiful long dark hair. I sincerely tell her that I want to live in this moment forever, and it's true. The way she looks at me makes me think that she wants the same thing and my heart jumps. She doses off and I take this time to look at the beautiful blue sky above me. I think of all the people I love back home and tears jump to my eyes at the thought that I will never see them again. I feel close to them though, because no matter where we are, we share this same sky. My heart feels full of love and it seems incredible that it overpowers the fear and resentment I feel towards the Capitol and it absolutely shadows the fear I have over returning to the arena. I look down at Katniss – I was right all along. I was fated – we were bound together and I take great pride in knowing that she will make it out of this alive. I take this moment to look at the sky and say good-bye to all the ones I love. The sun begins to set and the beautiful muted orange that I love bursts throughout the sky. It's so beautiful that it brings tears to my eyes, because the simple pleasures of this world are beating out the hate, anger, and bitterness in my life. I smile triumphantly. I wipe my tears away and decide to wake up Katniss, there's no one else in the whole world with whom I would want to share this moment with. When I wake her, I don't have to say anything, she it overpowered by the beauty of the colors in the sky. She sits up and rests her head on my shoulder. We sit silently hand in hand.

After the sun escapes us, we are left sitting on a bench. She suddenly turns to me.

"Peeta." She calls my name softly. I look at her. "I don't want us to have any regrets. I think we both know that we can't take anything for granted." I nod in agreement. She suddenly leans over to me and lets her lips grace mine. She pulls back slightly and our eyes meet. "Peeta. This may be our only opportunity to be together." She says boldly. I can't believe what I'm hearing. I just stare at her seriously, because it's the only thing I can do. "I know I'm asking for a lot." She says. "It's one of the few pleasures that they can't take away from us. And I get that maybe it's not under ideal circumstances, but I don't know what's going to happen and all I know is that I need to experience this."

"I don't know what to say." I actually say this out loud. Which is insane, because I've felt this for as long as I can remember and her rationale is the same as mine. She laughs softly as she stands up while holding on to my hand.

"Like I said, I know I'm asking for a lot. Think it over. I'll be downstairs in my room." She says. She walks away and I feel frozen to the bench.

She's long gone and warm smile spreads across my heart and face. I don't have to think about it. I head down the stairs onto our floor. I walk towards Katniss's room and nudge the door open. She's standing next to a shelf and upon hearing me she turns around to look at me. The teasing shy smile she had upstairs on the roof is gone. I see some nerves in them now. I feel surprisingly calm. I walk through the door and close the door behind me, I lock the door for good measure. I walk towards her. Something inside my heart is driving my actions because I've wanted this for so long, and now there's no stopping it. I grab her face and pull her towards me. I kiss her and it's as if we are picking up where we left off the night before. Only this time she doesn't jump back when my hands outline her body. She responds to me with equal fervor, she throws her head back when I kiss her neck, I run my hands down to her hips and then down to the back of her thighs, which I desperately grasp to sweep her off the ground. I want to feel her wrapped around me desperately. I see the appreciative smile that spreads across her face when I do this. Seeing her want me makes me feel a warmth spread from my chest – I've never felt this before. I walk us towards the bed and set us down.

We undress each other completely. I'm completely obsessed with the site of her. How long have I waited for this? I can't even say I waited for her, I didn't think this would ever happen. The only pleasure I got from her was my torturous unrequited love that somehow kept fueling my passion for her. We've already given each other everything, it makes perfectly good sense for us to be intimate like this now. I want the moment to last forever, I know that won't happen, so I relish in it, I try to keep everything in a painfully and beautifully slow tempo. I kiss her and she kisses me. I want to please her in every which way. I kiss her while she's on her back and run my lips down to her sensitive breasts while I run my fingers throughout her body, as I do I feel friction building between my finger tips and her skin. I run my fingers between her legs and between her folds, and I stroke her until she climaxes. I'm completely mesmerized by how her body pulsates with every wave of pleasure. She smiles at me but I also see a look that I have never seen in her before, desire, and I love how she doses me with it. I kiss her deeply and she rolls me on top of her. She reaches down between us and grabs a hold of me. Her touch takes my breath away. I press her body close to mine by reaching embracing her around her waist and I feel the overwhelming need to be as close as I can to her. I shift myself and with her help I slowly sink myself into her. We stare at each other and her eyes are beautiful and wide, her mouth is parted exhaling the sensation of us. Her eyes begin to tear up.

"Are you okay?" I ask her.

She nods yes. "I just need to get used to this." She says breathily with a smile.

"Are you sure you want to do this?" I ask her.

"Yes – Yes I do." She leans up towards me and kisses me.

I smile and kiss her again. I begin to move on top of her and every thrust carries a wave of beautiful and thrilling pleasure. We both sigh in unison. We embrace each other, let our hands run through our bodies, we roll around on the bed. At one point she climbs on top of me and I sit back against the head board. She straddles me and suddenly I feel all my senses heighten anticipating her warmth. She grabs me and guides me into her. She begins to thrust slowly. I let her set a pace that makes her feel comfortable so that she continues to get used to me. She moves so slowly, it's the most erotic sensation I've ever experienced. With every thrust she makes her whole body relaxes more and more, her eyes close and open wide again as if disbelieving the sensation she's experiencing. I'm completely hypnotized by the site of her. I pull myself towards her and kiss her, move to her neck, and then to her sensitive nipples. This makes her throw her head back as she lets out a gratifying moan. We find a beautiful rhythm that sends chills throughout both our bodies, we sigh and moan in unison, and even our breathing seems to depend on the other's. As if I'm breathing the air she's exhaling. The whole act makes me cling to her in hopes of unraveling new sensations. We can't take our eyes off each other's and this brings a whole new level intensity and intimacy. I let my body push her back so that I'm on top of her and I begin to take the lead. She begins to push me away while desperately pulling me back towards her. I know it's too much stimulation so I pull out and she gives me a sad look. I smile and lean down to kiss her again and penetrate her again. I love seeing the smile spread across her face as I do it. I thrust slowly and I look for her eyes again so that I can feel that intimacy again. I find her beautiful ethereal eyes desperately looking for mine. We kiss again and I lose myself in her lips and inside of her. I finally climax and the release finalizes the whole experience, I lay my head over her breasts where I can hear her racing heart beat. It's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. I look up at her and she smiles.

"No regrets?" I ask with a smile on my face.

"No regrets." She smiles big and she pulls my face towards her and she kisses me sweetly.


	27. Chapter 27

I roll on to my back and sit up against the head board. Katniss sits between my legs so that she's sitting up against my chest, which I love because I can embrace her. We're both sitting there silent, reveling in the moment, I close my eyes and bury my face in her hair as I hold on to her. I'm still convincing myself that this is not a dream. I smile at myself because feeling her warmth and smell against me reminds me that this moment is very real.

"Only you can do this for me." She says aloud.

"Do what?" I respond as I open my eyes and position my face so that I'm whispering in her ear.

"This whole time I had the weight of the arena looming over me and it made me feel nothing but all the ugliness of the world, the injustice. And being here with you, all day really, the paralyzing fear leaves me. I feel peace … and hope. I don't know for what, but it's there." She responds.

"I guess I try to see the world like that. It's not like I ignore the horrors of our world Katniss. I see it all, I've felt it first hand, and I'm not just talking about getting reaped and the Games. But I guess, because I can feel it I can really appreciate the good that is out there." I explain to her.

"I guess I'm too busy feeling scared all the time that I don't see the good. I just react and do what I can to get by and survive." She says plainly.

"I can't imagine you being scared of anything. I mean I understand your concern but look at everything you've done. You're the bravest person I've ever met." I say to her.

I stretch my back a little and this movement makes her moan in discomfort, she laughs after she lets out her whimper.

"What's the matter?" I ask.

"A little soar down there." She says with a smile on her face.

"Are you cramping?" I ask.

"Maybe." She answers uncertainly.

"You need some water, I'm actually thirsty myself. We didn't drink a lot of water while we were on the roof. Let me get it." I offer. She moves over to let me slide out from behind her. I sit on the edge of the bed and grab my prosthetic leg to put it on. As I get up I unintentionally pull the sheets from the bed and something about them grabs my attention. I lift the sheet up and see that there's blood on it. I'm panicked for a second because I know I'm okay and she's okay, but then I'm just left wondering where it came from.

"Oh – Peeta." Katniss calls to me. "That's me" she smiles abashedly.

"Oh – are you on your period? It's probably why you're cramping after sex." I say setting the sheet back down.

Katniss giggles at my comment. "Peeta no. I'm not on my period." So I turn to face her again. I'm a little confused, not just by what she said but the way she's talking to me. She must register this on my face. She continues "Peeta – some girls – when they first have sex – they bleed."

A mix of emotions hits me all at once, ranging from annoyance because of her tone of voice to feeling protective of her because she may be hurt. I don't know where to start and before I know it the words are out of my lips.

"You've never had sex before?!" I ask in disbelief and total shock. "Is that what you're saying?"

"No!" she looks shocked by my questions and then she just looks defensive.

"I'm sorry. I'm not trying to… I don't know what I wanted that to sound like. It's not like I'd care if you'd have been with every person in District 12" I ramble on and she looks confused and defensive and insulted all at once. I finally take a moment to breathe. "This was your first time?" I ask, now completely void of shock.

"Yes." She says looking a little bewildered by my response.

I nod in disbelief. "Why – never – I mean. Nothing, never?" I look at her still needing confirmation for some reason.

"No, never." She is still looking at me quizzically and annoyed.

Then my protectiveness of her kicks in. "Oh - you're bleeding. Are you still bleeding?" I suddenly ask urgently grabbing her by the arm and pulling her out of the bed. She looks startled and so she follows me into the bathroom.

"Peeta no, I don't think so." She protests. "It doesn't work like that Peeta." She says in a softer voice again, cooing again. "The hymen rips and there's some blood but it's not meant to bleed on and on like a cut vein."

I stand there staring at her because I realize that she's talking to me as if I were child that needs things explained like this. I guess it's my fault since I'm a blabbering mess. But I still feel panicked and so I ignore her tone.

"Pee." I request as I point at the toilet. She looks shocked.

"What?! No!" She protests.

"Katniss we need to be sure I didn't tear you, and I'm not talking about the hymen. The last thing I want is for you to walk into the arena while dealing with stitches." I demand. She looks concerned now.

"Okay. But get out." She says. She pushes me out. "What am I supposed to be looking for?" she asks from inside the bathroom.

"How much blood there is in the bowl and when you wipe see if the paper has heavy traces of it." I say.

"Nothing, there's nothing." She responds to me after a few seconds.

I exhale and my body falls against the door. "Oh good." I sigh in relief. She opens the door looking a little confused and now I feel mad.

"Why didn't you tell me?" I demand. She looks stunned.

"I told you that this could be the only chance we have to have sex didn't I? What do you think that meant?" she replies to me.

"I guess I thought that meant it would be your only opportunity to have sex with me..." I say.

"As oppose to other people." She finishes my thought. This makes her laugh.

"Katniss don't laugh, what if you did have a serious tear that needed stitches." I point out to her. We walk towards the bed. "How did you never have sex before? I think of your life and - it's one of the few pleasures we can have. You're so…" I struggle to find the right words. "Everything about you seems so instinctual with the purpose of survival, the way you go through life… that sex would be something you would need."

"I guess I see what you're talking about but Peeta – I'm afraid of risks." She looks me in the eye. "With sex comes risks that I can't deal with, like children, in this world no less. NO way!"

"We didn't use protection." I say in sudden panic. I'm surprised with myself I'm always careful no matter how swept up I am in the moment.

She laughs. "It's okay, girls get an injection here to keep us from menstruating in the games. It also prevents pregnancies." She says. She stays quiet and stares into space. She laughs softly, to herself really. "Here I thought you knew that"

"About the birth-control?" I ask confused.

"No." She turns to look at me and holds my hand. "That I don't have sex. I thought it would be such a romantic gesture for you." She leans into me and nuzzles her face into my neck and I wrap my arm around her. "I thought you would love it if our first time was with each other and this whole time you thought I'd already had sex." She laughs. I'm stunned to hear her say this.

"You think this is my first time?" I pull away and suddenly that tone of voice she was using to talk to me makes sense, she was talking to me as if I were an innocent or naïve child. I start to laugh at the thought. I look at her and her mouth is hanging open in disbelief. "You did! No – it's not. Katniss I had sex for the first time when I was 13." I admit and she looks shocked.

"Peeta!" she calls my name in disbelief. We sit there and stare at each other for a minute and we begin to laugh uncontrollably. I wrap one arm around her waist and I pull her back onto the bed where the two of us can lay down. She's on her back and I lay on my side beside her. I run my fingers through her hair.

"Katniss, I'm sorry you have to experience sex under these circumstances." I say to her.

She looks surprised. "I'm not." She says.

"Katniss – maybe it's the romantic in me talking but, for you – it should have been special with you being in love with …" I cut myself off because considering what we just shared I realize that I don't want to speak his name, Gale. Not in this moment. "I've had sex lots of times, with several girls. And I was definitely not in love my first time. Sometimes it was purely for pleasure and sometimes I deeply cared for them, but none felt like what I just experienced with you. And I know it's because I'm in love with you." Her eyes look extra bright as I talk to her and she looks away from me nervously. "Katniss, I guess I just want the best for you. You'll experience it one day. You'll know what I'm talking about." I say simply.

She turns her eyes to me again only now they look resentful. "I know what you are implying by that – that I'm getting out of here alive." She says defensively.

"Katniss…" I start to talk but she cuts me off.

"Look we don't know what's going to happen once we're in there. And I don't want to talk about it. Not now." Her voice softens significantly. "For the record Peeta, I can't imagine this being more special than it was. I experienced something beautiful, with you. The one person that gives me hope. My boy with the bread…" she whispers this last statement.

I feel completely speechless by her words and I don't know what to say except one thing comes to mind "Your boy with the bread?" I ask.

She smiles "that's how I referred to you all these years… since that day." She stares at me and a single tear escapes her.

"I love you so much." I finally say aloud and I lean down to kiss her. Just like before, I feel that fire fanning between us and it consumes us.

I don't know when we fell asleep, but I wake up holding Katniss, her lovely back to me. We didn't have a single nightmare. Of course we didn't. I smile as I look down at her body and I trace the curve of her hip and waist with my finger tip. I lean down a trail a path of kisses along the same curve. Katniss moans and rolls over so that she lays on her stomach, giving me access to her back. I continue to trail kisses over on her back and she gives me a smile while keeping her eyes closed. She turns on her side so that she's facing me and we end up in each other's arms. Suddenly I hear sniffling, we both sit up and find them there. Her prep team along with their tears. There's something very strange about waking up from the night we just shared to the site of these people. I resent them for being here. Without really saying anything I pull away from Katniss as she sits up silently and stares back at her team. It's amusing really, because I don't think I've ever seen that expression on her face, it may simply be the first time Katniss doesn't know what to make of a situation. I once heard her call them her pets and I wonder if she would look at Buttercup the same way if he strolled into the room this morning. I sit on the edge of the bed and attach my leg. I find my boxer shorts and I pull them on. I stand up pick up my pants and shirt, which I pull over my head. The prep team stares at me weeping. I roll my eyes at them.

Suddenly Katniss rushes out of the bed wrapped in a sheet. "Peeta wait." She calls out to me. She turns me to her and kisses me. I hold her face and breathe her in.

"I wasn't just going to take off." I say smiling.

"I'll see you later." She says. I nod. She kisses me again. My heart is pounding again, I'm floating, and I feel elated. I pull away and as I take the view of her as I walk away from her. She stands tall, naked, underneath the oversized sheets that she holds up to her chest. The sheets are a pale gray that make her eyes appear ghostly. She looks both beautiful and haunting. For some reason I get a bad premonition again, seeing her standing there. I force a smile to my face so that she doesn't see the fear that is starting to lurk in me. I'm finally back out in the hallway and I close her door. Suddenly I feel dizzy from the full force of what we shared. Everything I ever did for her makes more sense than ever. Loving her is my biggest triumph over the Capitol, my biggest defiance, and my biggest win. Last night she fully understood what she means to me, and she'll understand why it's worth dying for. I'm dreaming I must be dreaming. I feel a smile jump to my lips and I run into my room and feel a genuine freedom but it is short lived because inside, my own prep team waits for me.

"Show time!" Portia orders to me.


	28. Chapter 28

The whole day is spent strategizing for the final interview with Caesar. I realize that I have so much to accomplish tonight in order to help Katniss but my mind keep running to how I made love to her. So the whole day, I have a smile on my face that refuses to fade away, even when Haymitch tries to talk strategies in the Arena. I just want to see her again. I stand behind the stage and my mind wonders from the interview to my night with Katniss. I start to see the other Victors arrive and we all nod at each other. Chaff actually hugs me, as does Mags along with a kiss on my cheek. Finnick shakes my hand. I can't help but think these greetings are truly genuine. I realize that there is no point in strategizing before the Arena, we'll just have to wait and see what demon spurs out of us once we're thrown in there. I shudder at the thought. Suddenly I see Johanna walk across the room, she's looking at me and I meet her gaze. She smiles and shoots me a flirtatious wink. I smile at her and roll my eyes. I finally see Katniss enter the room. No wonder she took so long, she is wearing a complicated and elaborate wedding dress that completely drowns her. I look down at myself and realize that my tux makes me her groom. It's so ridiculous, two seventeen year olds playing dress up, to entertain the Capitol. On our way to a death match to top it off. Is nothing sacred to them?

"You don't like it huh?" She asks.

"No, I don't" I say honestly. Our eyes gaze at each other and I wrap my arm around her waist and pull her towards me. I rest my forehead to hers and she brings her hands up to my face.

"I hate it too." She says. "It's dreadfully heavy too." She adds.

I lift her up and she's right, this adds a lot of weight to her petite frame. "No matter what, I'll hold you up if needed." I say.

She smiles and kisses my lips. It's not a peck and it's not for the cameras. I'm pleased to feel that the intimacy we discovered in bed last night seems to be lingering with us. The way she looks at me, the way she touches me, just seems different. Her hand and finger tips linger on my face as if absorbing me, and she stares at her hand touching me. I dare say I'm seeing that desire I saw in her last night. Even I feel myself respond to her with more intensity. Suddenly we line up and I notice that all the Tributes are staring at Katniss. I look at her and realize that she looks like an unearthly being and the Capitol is going to love it. Like it or not, this is the game, and Katniss without trying excels in it. Snow is putting as big a target as possible on her back. I suddenly wish I could stop all of this, it's stupid and futile I know but can't these crazed fans see what they are going to do to us. Suddenly it hits me, what if Snow had an uprising in the Capitol, one in his backyard. All I can do is try, after all, I'm going down no matter what and I intend to go down detonating as many blasts as possible.

As the interviews begin I see that the Victors have all figured out to create some kind of stir, to make their adoring fans really think about what this means. I roll my eyes as I hear Finnick read a love poem for his one true love. Why not I guess, hell the thought of losing him must be torture for some of these citizens. However, they are still playing it safe, they are not really coming out and calling Snow the bad guy. It's Katniss's turn and the site of her sends the audience over the edge. I smile and I find myself thinking of our night together how impossibly good I felt in her arms. I close my eyes and feel chills throughout my body as I soak in the image of her moving with my body. I start to feel that fire build inside of me. I open my eyes and I hear Katniss in the middle of her answers - something about how disappointed she is that we couldn't marry in the Capitol. I laugh to myself because I know it's such bullshit and yet these people are actually crying over the idea of not seeing yet another party. I suddenly get angry, why aren't they crying over the fact that they are killing this girl, not just in the Games, but back home. How often they kill so many of us. How do I humanize us to them.

Suddenly I'm paying attention to Katniss because she's twirling again, like she did last time. Her dress begins to engulf in smoke and artificial flames but then I notice that her dress is changing, it's turning black. The pearls embroidered in the dress fly everywhere and the long draping sleeves turn into black fathers, and I see her arms flay down along her sides. She's a mockingjay. She has taken my breath away because I'm hit by that terrible premonition again. My mind flashes to Madge in my bed telling me that she had given Katniss the mockinjay pin that had once belonged to her aunt, the tribute from the last Quell no less. The ethereal site of her this morning. I feel tears jump to my eyes and I don't know why. As powerful as this moment is I feel that it's counterproductive. Cinna did this on purpose, clearly to make a point but to who and why? Here I am thinking we need to appear human to this audience and Katniss comes out looking like a regal defiant bird ready to put on a show. It suddenly hits me, I have a plan.

I decide I'm going to hit them with something that will bring them all crashing back down to reality. When it's my turn Caesar is still reeling over Katniss. I don't try to hide the fact that I am unaffected by Katniss. Caesar tries to ask about my heartbreak, and when he does I finalize my plan. I confess to the audience that while I am disappointed that I will not celebrate a wedding with our friends from the Capitol, I was happy to have married Katniss in District 12, a traditional ceremony. Further that it was in secret. I hear people gasp and I look into their eyes and they seem overly touched by our defiant love. Caesar is pleased and points out that at the very least we experienced some marital bliss. Only I don't join in his celebration, I stay stoic and sad because I really give myself to the idea. I throw my final lit match to the ammunition that is quickly catching across all of Panem.

"I would be happy if it weren't for the baby." I say genuinely sad because that was part of a future I wanted that was ripped away from me by all of them. I genuinely feel the loss and I feel tears running down my face but my face stays calm. I look out at the audience and for the first time I see something real register in their faces, horror. The Tribute handed over to them is simply a young seventeen year old girl that can bring life, just like any of them. I've made her human. They begin to protest and cry and actually call out the injustice that is being done to us. People start screaming and demanding that Katniss not be sent and that's quickly followed by how none of us should be in there to begin with. Their screams are louder than any protest we can ever have in the districts. Suddenly I feel like everything is moving in slow motion. I turn to Caesar and I can see his mouth moving but I hear no sound. Their protests have drowned him out. I don't have to wait for his instruction. I stand up and walk towards my fellow Tributes as calmly as possible and I realize that they are all standing staring at me in disbelief, even the Careers. I approach Katniss and she grabs my hand as she cries and suddenly we are all holding hands. We are standing together not against each other. This finally resonates with the audience and their protests only get louder, it's total chaos. It's beautiful.

The lights are shut off and we are rushed off stage. I hold on to Katniss's hand. I feel angry, passionate, and proud all at once. I pull her into an elevator, I don't want anyone to stop us. As the doors close I see Johanna and Finnick try to get in but they don't make it in time. Katniss lets go of my hand and she begins to pace around the elevator. I find myself staring at her. When we get to our floor, we step out. She finally turns to me and she's speechless.

"Do I need to apologize?" I ask defensively. She must understand why I did it.

Her eyes soften. "no, no you don't. did you see what you did out there." she smiles proudly. I suddenly realize that I can hear a buzzing from the closed windows and I walks towards them. I realize that it's the people still outraged. I smile feeling satisfied. I turn around and I look at Katniss. Our eyes lock on each other and I feel an overwhelming need to hold her to give myself to her all over again. I look in her eyes and I have no doubt that she feels the same thing too. We start to walk towards each other in haste but right as we're about to collide into each other's arms Haymitch pulls up in the elevator. We turn to see him.

"Whooooo!" he screams. "That was… unlike anything we will ever see again." He walks to me and hugs me.

"did I do it, are they going to stop it?" I ask feeling hopeful although I know better.

"No." He says sadly. "But you set something off here that will inevitably have consequences. No matter what the outcome is." He says sadly. I suddenly throw my arms around him.

"Thank you Haymitch. For everything. I love you." I say whole heartedly. He hugs me back, with all his strength and I know he's hurting. I hate leaving him alone in this world. "you have to be okay." I whisper to him. I pull away and his eyes are both terrified and sad.

"You're the son I never had." Is all he can say and tears jump to my eyes. "you have to know that – you're the most beautiful being I ever met. And I'm going to do my best…" He can't finish.

"You're going to do what you have to." I say, knowing that he has to let me go. He grabs my face.

"I just want you to know that I didn't forget – you were the little blonde boy that showed up at my door all those years ago… holding a peace offering. That was the first time I was touched by your kindness." He says. I'm shocked he remembers. He lets go of my face and turns to Katniss he smiles at her and doesn't say a word. These two can communicate telepathically. I know that for a fact and I see it because Katniss's chin begins to tremble. He hugs her, then tells us to stay alive. He turns but then he turns to us, well, Katniss really, and tells her to remember who the real enemy is and then he's gone. Bam – once again I get that bad premonition again.

Suddenly I know we are both weighed down by sadness. We start to walk to our rooms and she insists that I clean up in her room because she's too afraid to let me go. When we walk into her room I close the door behind me and then I turn to look at her. I'm shocked by the mix of emotions I feel, for one there is my desire for her, my love for her, and the bad premonition I get by seeing her dressed like a mockingjay. I just want that gown off her. I'm also terrified of what may happen to her. I rush to her and kiss her desperately, she responds the same way. I begin to search her dress to see how I can get her out of it as Katniss begins to pull off my tuxedo. I finally reach towards the back of the neckline and with both hands I just rip it apart, making Katniss spring up from it. She looks startled but I don't stop. I keep ripping it apart, I fall to my knees continuing to literally split the dress in half as feathers fly everywhere around us, ultimately freeing her from it. Once it lays on the ground I go to caress her legs, I know I startled her. I begin to kiss her knees, her thighs, and I run my hand up to her abdomen and I can hear her breathing grow heavy. I begin to rise to my feet and as I do I hold on to her knees and lift her up to me, freeing her feet from the torn mockinjay that now lays at my feet. I take her to bed and I make love to her and it's all I can do to keep my heart from imploding with all my emotions.

We're both emotional as we give ourselves to each other and this brings on a whole different level of intensity – the release is sublime. After, I feel completely relaxed but I still don't feel like I can sleep. She looks just as awake as before. As nervous as I am every time she proceeds to run her hands through my body, I'm surprised at how arousing it is and how my wondering fearful thoughts come back running to her. We actually smile and laugh, which is amazing because my mind can no longer ignore the arena. She lets me explore her completely and I let her do the same. I love seeing how her body relaxes with mine, I love seeing her uncover new sensations. I run my lips throughout her body and when I move them between her legs she's shocked, but the moment my lips and tongue actually touch her, her whole body melts. After she climaxes she practically tackles me and thrusts herself on top of me. The night becomes a cycle that begins love making, to being paralyzed by fear of the arena, to holding each other, which leads to arousing each other again.

Finally we start to feel tired. She positions herself in our usual sleeping position, pressed against my side with her head resting on my chest, where she can hear my heart beat. She begins to move her hands and outline my defined torso.

With closed eyes I smile. "Katniss." I say with a gingerly warning. "We should try to sleep."

"I can't. I want to but I can't." She start to lay soft kisses on my chest. Then she looks up at me. "Tonight was really amazing." She says to me.

I open my eyes and look at her. "It was. Did it still hurt today?" I ask.

She shrugs. "A little still, at first. But my longing for you won out." She smiles at me and I lean down to kiss her after hearing her say this to me. I lean back and she stares at me. "Why did I avoid this?" she asks.

"I don't know. I mean, I guess I do know, but I'm still surprised you avoided this kind of intimacy. Especially now." I say.

"What do you mean?" She asks.

I smile. "You're so passionate – so intense. Which I guess shouldn't surprise me since you are an intense person to begin with, you have convictions, you're passionate about things. You are no different in bed." I say.

She stares at me bright eyed with a smile, looking very pleased with herself. I kiss her when I see this expression. She pulls back and focuses back on tracing my torso with her fingers.

"It's not that I ever thought about it – I just, couldn't risk it. I thought it seemed too complicated and I already have so much to worry about." She says.

"I still find it hard to believe." I say laughing.

She laughs then stays quiet and stares into space. "Gale wanted to before I left." She says cautiously. I stop breathing for a few seconds, I wanted to avoid bringing him up but she has a right to talk about him if she wants. "He tried – but – I couldn't." she says.

"Why not?" I ask.

"I tried." She admits. "I just couldn't lose myself – his touch or kisses didn't…" she stays quiet.

"what?" I ask.

"I don't know how to explain it. I just know that he and I didn't have what you make me feel." She says. I can't help the smile that jumps to my lips. "when we almost kissed at my house, when I was injured…" she looks at me to check if I'm following. I nod to her. "That moment, the way you looked at me, the way your hand felt as it traced my cheek, feeling your face against mine – set me more aflame then all the kisses I shared with him." She admits as she sits up to look at me. "I'm sorry that I don't know what to make of that. I'm not trying to compare the two of you. You two are everything to me – and I'm not sure what I'm trying to say right now." She laughs nervously. I smile at her and sit up to kiss her.

"I understand that living in District 12 makes you carry a lot on your shoulders. It's hard to breathe sometimes. Katniss… when you make it out of this arena…" she tries to cut me off but I kiss her to stop her from interjecting and I pull back and keep talking. "promise me that you are going to live not just survive. You'll allow love and passion in your life. You will let yourself love him because I know you already do." I say to her. I can't help the tears that follow. "I promise – if you thought what we shared was special – you're going to wonder how you went on for so long without him." I say sincerely. The look in her eyes is unforgiving, I don't think I've ever seen that expression. I almost expect her to kick me out but instead she kisses me passionately, and as sad as I am and as much as I feel the Arena hovering over us I completely let my desire for her take over. After, I'm exhausted emotionally and physically and I want us to get rest before tomorrow. I want us to forget about the fear so that we rest but tonight we are not so lucky, we can no longer avoid the reality of the arena.

We wake up at the same time. I don't feel rested. It feels like we blinked and suddenly it was morning. We lay stretched on our sides facing each other, holding each other. I love that we lay naked – how can I feel so fulfilled and terrified at the same time. She kisses me again and again, but I know I have to get up and get ready. I sit up pulling her up with me.

"Peeta." She calls my name, and I look at her and her the expression on her face is that of sorrow and fear. It trembles.

"It's okay Katniss. We're going in together, there is no questions about it this time." I say to her. She nods and kisses me again.

"I don't want to let you go." She says and she throws her arms around me.

I kiss her again and it's amazing how badly I want to make love to her again when I know what's waiting for me in the next couple of hours. Our kiss, is intoxicating. How is it that this hadn't happened before until now. When I pull away, I see something move out of the corner of my eye and I turn towards the entrance of the room. Cinna is standing there looking dumb founded by the site of us, sitting in bed naked wrapped in each other. He stands holding the shreds that are left from the Mockingjay dress.

"Cinna." Katniss calls to him startled. I'm not happy to see him in there considering the moment. I turn to look at Katniss again.

"I'll see you soon. I love you." I kiss her again. I turn around sit on the edge of the bed and put on my prosthetic. I put on my pants and start heading towards the door. I look at Cinna and I realize that he looks shocked. Then I realize why. He knew Katniss and I are a farce, but then what did he walk in on? I look back at her as she stands up to put on a shirt. She smiles at me. I smile at her, I guess now it's real. We're lovers. I turn back to Cinna. "I'm going to lay down my life to save her. She's going home." I say to him.

He suddenly grabs me by my shoulder and I can see tears in his eyes. "You don't deserve this. You deserved so much more – both of you did. If for some reason she doesn't make it… you make sure you make it - okay." He demands and then he embraces me.

I pull away from him. "That's not going to happen." I say. I grab a piece of the dress form his hand "Sorry about the dress. I hated it." I say to him with a smile on my face. And with that, I walk out.

I'm greeted in my room by Portia.

"Ready?" she says to me and she's already crying.

"Yes." I hug her and she sobs in my arms.

After I shower there is a knock on the door and it's Effie.

"Hi darling." She says to me and she's holding back tears. "I brought you the locket you wanted." She holds it out to me. "I also got that golden mockingjay bangle." She adds. I look at her curiously, I know we had joked about getting Haymitch an accessory but I didn't think she would do it.

I laugh. "Is he going to wear it?" I say.

"Keep an eye out for it." She says to me and she turns around to head towards the door.

"How am I supposed to see if from the…" she's out the door before I finish asking. "…Arena?" I stare at the door. "Good bye Effie." I whisper the words that will never reach her.


	29. Chapter 29

The next two hours are a whirl wind and somehow every fear and anxiety that has crossed my mind since the Quell announcement have abandoned me. My mind is only strategizing and all I can think about is finding Katniss in the Arena so that we can take off together, without a doubt we will have to run for the Cornucopia. We'll need to arm ourselves. I did it last year, I can do it again. This time I'll have to worry about Katniss but I have to remind myself that she can handle herself. I enter the hovercraft that will take us to the Arena. I take my seat and one of the attendants inserts the tracking device, this time I don't even feel it. I'm too busy staring into space and observing my competition. Suddenly in comes Johanna. She looks quiet. She looks like she's miles away she looks at all of us but it's as if she doesn't recognize us. She ends up sitting across from me. Our eyes meet and she mouths something to me. I look at her because I really wasn't paying attention and she mouths to me again – "Trust me." I just stare at her. I really think long and hard about what she's saying. I look into her eyes. They are void of deviousness, manipulation, flirtatiousness, or playfulness. She looks calm and sincere. I take a deep breath because for some reason my gut feeling has been to trust her. I can't explain it. I just nod once and I look away.

When we arrive I'm off to a room and when I walk in, I find Portia again. She hands me clothes. She's composed this time, she even looks angry. I grab the items of clothing. I feel the fabric and look at Portia.

"This is really thin – breathable. What could it be?" I ask her.

She looks worried. "Water, maybe. We can't be sure." She says. My stomach sinks when she says this and my face must show it. Suddenly there's panic in her eyes. "Can you swim?" she asks.

"no." I say and she looks terrified. "I can float." I add.

"That's something, probably a lot more than most of them." She says.

"Katniss can swim." I say with a smile on my face.

"How?" she asks looking startled. I shrug to let her know I don't know.

"Finnick can swim… I guess we know who the favorite is." I say.

Suddenly the alarm goes off, I have to move to the portal. I hug her and I thank her for everything. I tell her to take care of herself and to be sure she delivers the letters I gave her to send back home. When I say this she starts sobbing and I have to physically hold her up. She apologizes for not being stronger. She throws her arms around me again and she whispers in my ear. "Look for the Mockinjay bangle." She then pulls and pushes me into the portal. I stare at her in amazement. Her, Johanna, and Effie – there's no doubt that they are dropping hints. I hate it because I feel like I'm in the dark about something that I should know about. I feel angry because I'm reminded of when Katniss and Haymitch would leave me out of important information. I'm suddenly nervous, do they know something again. I feel so much anger all of sudden. I don't even notice when the portal has pushed me up to uncover the Arena. The beeping of the countdown snaps me out of it.

Water, I'm surrounded by water. "Fuck!" I curse aloud. I have to swim to get to the Cornucopia. I look around to see if I can spot Katniss but I don't see her anywhere. As I look at the opponents around me I do notice that they are all panicked by the water. I spot Finnick, he is triumphantly waiving his arms over his head in triumph. "Fucking asshole" I mumble to myself. For a second I feel that I won't feel bad taking him out if I have to. Then the alarm goes off – the Game has officially started. I see Finnick dive into the water and in a matter of seconds he's close to the Cornucopia. When people see this they decide to jump off their spots to head towards the surrounding beach instead of heading to the death match in the center. I begin to hear canyons instantly. I feel panicked because I still have not seen Katniss and I'm still standing on this damn thing. Useless, I'm useless. Suddenly I see someone drop off from the Cornucopia and I swear I saw on arrow fly. This brings a smile to my face. But then I remember that Finnick is out there. I suddenly see him swimming towards me. I'm scared, I can't deny it. If he pulls me in the water, my abilities will be useless. I then notice that he's unarmed. I look towards the Cornucopia and I finally see Katniss. Her bow and arrow is ready to fly and I see that she has Finnick's trident? I look back at him and he's already reached me. He reaches his hand out to me, not just to help me but also to shake it, to solidify our truce. And I see it, the bangle. It makes sense now. Katniss and I refused to make allies so Haymitch made the deals for us. So I shake it, for Haymitch. He was right.

"Your belt will help you float" He says to me. "Jump in."

I jump in and do the strokes Katniss taught me in my little backyard pond. When I get to the Cornucopia, Katniss runs to my arms. "We have allies." I say to her and she laughs.

"Heymitch wasn't going to let us have the last word." She says. She turns to see Finnick who is back in the water, I look after him and we see that he's swimming towards Mags. He pulls her up in no time.

"If you take me, you have to take her too." He says to us seriously.

Katniss and I both look at each other and smile. "Mags was first on my list for allies." Katniss admits to him.

Hearing this makes him smile at her endearingly. "You're smart too." He says to her.

"Let's stock up." I say to them. We start to grab backpacks and stock them with weapons, because that's all there is. No food or water is available. Of course. I see Finnick walk towards a table that holds every kind of axe imaginable. He runs his fingers over them, then he grabs two and tosses them in his bag. They're lovers, I'm certain of it.

"Where's Johanna?" I ask him. Because I'm surprised she didn't stick with him, that he didn't seek her out, and I'm still thinking about her gesture in the hover craft.

He turns to look at me, he looks nervous. "We can't save everyone." He says to me.

"Why are you asking about Johanna?" Katniss asks. "I can't trust her." She says to me.

"I do. I trust her." I say without moving my eyes from Finnick. He looks surprised to hear me say this.

She laughs. "You men, pretty girl strokes your ego and just like that she has your trust." She says criticizing me without stopping her task of looking around for something useful.

"Don't worry about it, she's not here. I was just saying." I say to her and I grab a set of knives and some other things."

We head back towards the beach and when we get there Finnick looks back to us "Hey guys – this year you're in the team to beat." He laughs. "This year you're officially Careers." He keeps his gaze on Katniss and his smile leaves him. He eyes her curiously and turns around. "We should find water and some shelter." He starts to walk towards the jungle.

I look at Katniss and realize that she's calculating the situation. The way she's holding the bow and arrow makes me uncomfortable. I realize that she's thinking about taking out Finnick. Then she looks at me and she starts to pay attention to the jungle, surveying the area. I offer to take the lead so that I can clear vegetation as we track the jungle. We head up hill for hours and we don't find water. The air only gets more humid and I'm covered in sweat and in the moisture that hangs in the air. I hate the feeling. The only water appears to be back in that salt body of water. I'm so thirsty. I look behind me for a second and I see that Finnick is carrying Mags on his back. How is he doing that! I think to myself. Then I hear a conversation begin between Katniss and Finnick. They decide that we are going to rest. Mags and I begin to gather some of the nuts that are everywhere. She begins to start eating them instantly without even bothering to study them. Katniss shouts at her to be more careful since they could be poisonous. She eats away anyway and nothing happens. So they are safe.

I keep focusing on the conversation between Katniss and Finnick. I can hear the tension in their words, clearly Katniss is not happy about this alliance. I hear Katniss say that no one decent ever wins these games. Finnick agrees, except perhaps me. I'm the only decent person that has ever walked out of these games. I get that bad premonition again. I don't catch what she answers him but I decide to walk towards them when I see the two of them tensing up and slowly holding up their weapons. I walk towards them and stand between them.

"We should keep moving." I say breaking their tension.

"Lead the way Peeta." He says to me.

We begin our hike again. I keep cutting down vegetation. Suddenly I hear Katniss scream my name but before I can turn around, I feel a shock run through me – then darkness.

I start to see traces of light again. My ears are buzzing but I can hear a piercing cry. I open my eyes and images start to register. I think back to what I remember, I hit something, like a force field. Katniss is crying hysterically over me. She rests her head on my chest and through sobs she tells me that my heart stopped. There you go, I was electrocuted. I feel shaky.

"Can you sit up?" Finnick asks me.

I try but I feel very weak. Finnick ends up helping me up and even though Katniss tries to help she ends up sobbing uncontrollably all over again. Mags has to go to her and comfort her. I begin to feel completely impotent. First the fact that I couldn't swim and now this. If my heart stopped, I'm seriously injured. How long until my body recovers. What's the use of all my strength now. How the hell am I supposed to protect her. I'm failing miserably.

"How did I not die?" I manage to ask. When I say this Katniss starts her sobbing again.

"I gave you CPR." Finnick says to me. I know what that is but I don't know how to do it myself.

"Thank you." I say surprised. "Why would you do that?" I ask. Seriously, the guy that he can't physically beat would have been out and all because of an accident. Tributes are not that lucky.

He smiles. "Who is going to keep Katniss from killing me?" He says coolly. He stands up without looking at me anymore. I can tell that he's trying to avoid me.

I decide I need to stand up to get a better feel of my body. I stand up successfully. When I do Katniss runs to my arms. She begins to cry again.

"Katniss please stop. It's okay. I'm alive." I say to her as I hold her. She begins to sob again. I pull back a little and I kiss her softly so that she calms down. She kisses me back and finally her breathing slows down and she focuses on kissing me. It's nice. When she pulls away I see that new found intimacy that we now share and I smile at her. I see that Finnick eyes us curiously. I know why, he's confused by us. I'm sure he knows our star crossed lover role was nothing more than an act. I'm sure he doesn't know what to make of this closeness.

I turn my attention back towards Katniss. I see tears are still spilling over so I give her a soft peck. "You need to calm down, please." I tell her. This only makes her cry harder. "Katniss, this is not like you. Get it together, come on." I tell her.

"It's probably just the pregnancy hormones." Finnick tells us. I stare at Katniss and she glares at him.

"Why don't we set up somewhere to rest. Maybe you can find us food? I'll go with you." I say to her in hopes that hunting will get her to focus.

"No – I'll find food. I don't want Finnick to think the alliance is broken by the two of us taking off. I'll be okay, it'll help me." She assures me. "You need to rest." She gathers her things and takes off to hunt. I would insist Mags of Finnick accompany her but I can't say I fully trust them. Also, I'm starting to think that if I'm with her I may slow her down or create a burden for her.

We find a spot to rest for the night. Finnick breaks off some foliage and in no time creates mats for us to sit on. At least no one will freeze out here. This damn humidity is not going to go away. I suddenly feel dizzy and I know I'm in desperate need of water. Katniss shows up with a dead animal. She tells us that she had no luck finding water but the animal she killed definitely knew where it was since it's muzzle was wet. There is no chance that we will be able to build a fire here. Everyone laughs when it occurs to me to throw the meat at the force field to cook it. Even Katniss laughs at irony. I give her a hug and a kiss, and she holds me extra tighter. I'm not feeling well and I keep hoping the food will help, my body, the core of my body feels shaky. I know it's from being electrocuted. When I sit down, I stretch my hands out in front of me and they are shaking involuntarily. I look around to make sure no one is looking. Just then a parachute drops on us. Finnick opens it and he pulls out a metal object. It's from Haymitch. He looks at us and we just look back pondering.

"I have no idea what that could be." I say as we begin to pass it back and forth.

Katniss holds on to it and looks at it, she's thinking hard. She finally gets so frustrated she hits it against the ground and buries part of it into the dirt. She stares as it as a dirt squeezes out of the opening. "It's a spile!" she says to us. She pulls it out of the ground and tells us that we have to dig it into the trees, that there's where the animal she killed pulled water from. Finnick runs to a tree and starts to create a hole in it. He grabs the spile from Katniss and drives it in. We all stand and wait stare at it. Finally clear water starts to run and Katniss dives in. We take turns taking in the fresh water. I'm hoping that it's all I need to help me recuperate. Finnick gathers water on leaves for Mags. We fill our empty decanters with water and stock them into our bags. Katniss insists we rest and that she will keep watch for the first part of the night. I agree because really, I know I'm in no condition and perhaps if I rest I will feel stronger when I wake up. I close my eyes and darkness consumes me.

"Run!" I hear Katniss's shrill warning. I jump out of my sleep and I feel just as dead as I felt when Finnick revived me. Katniss has already taken off by the time Finnick and I open our eyes. We realize she's running down hill as she tells us to get away from the fog. I feel it before I see it. A stinging sensation burning my body. I take off. I'm trying so hard to move my body as fast as I know I can be but I can't. Worthless, I'm worthless. The fog is keeping pace with us, and I realize that this is making things more difficult because my leg and arms start to tremble. I keep tripping and falling, which only slows me down more and more. Then I realize that the same thing is happening to Katniss and Finnick and that we have all slowed down considerably. The fog is moving in on us and we can breathe it in, which burns our lungs. I also know it's affecting my heart because I can't recover like Katniss and Finnick are, as they get up again and again. I can' t even hear properly. I know Katniss and Finnick exchange words. Before I can say anything I feel Finnick lift me and he throws me over his shoulder and Katniss lifts Mags on her back. They begin to run again but only for a few more minutes because they collapse again. I can't talk now, and I can't really hear now. I can't protest. I'm ready for them to leave me behind, perhaps Katniss can still carry the alliance without me. I can't hold them back. This breaks my heart and all I feel is an overwhelming sense of impotence since I can't even just walk away from them and head into the fog. As I think this, Mags stands up, runs to Finnick and gives him a kiss. I know it's a good bye kiss when I see the heart break on Finnicks face. She turns around and before they can even react, she runs into the fog. Almost instantly I hear a canyon. I'm furious, she shouldn't have done that, and I feel furious when I realize I can't do anything to stop it. Finnick throws me over his shoulder and they keep running until we all end up falling down a ditch. We roll downhill until we end up at the bottom of the precipice near a reservoir of salt water.


	30. Chapter 30

All I have left in me is enough strength to turn on my back and as I do I see Katniss and Finnick's face, something about this toxic fog has affected all of our muscles and has sagged their faces, our faces. I lay back and see the fog creep over us but suddenly it's as if it hits a wall and it is absorbed into the sky. It explains why we couldn't move. I'm exhausted, I'm terrified, and I feel completely defeated. I should be dead, why didn't Finnick just leave me behind. The guilt is unbearable. I realize now that if the others were to find me now, I wouldn't even want to fight back. Out of the corner of my eye I see Katniss still moving, crawling as she screams in frustration. This makes my heart beat faster because she's resilient. Minutes go by and Katniss is at my side, sitting up. She tells me that the salt water will expel the toxins from my body. She urges me to find the strength to drag myself into the pool. I do it, the sensations of the water is punishing, like a thousand needles shooting out of my body but there is a beautiful release that comes with it. I drag my body into the water as Katniss holds my head above water as I let the water heal me. I muffle my screams because I don't want other Tributes to hear us. Katniss then tells me that my head will be the hardest but that she's there to make sure I don't drown. She also tells me to try to inhale the water so that it clears out my insides. I proceed to dink my head and water, while it is by far more painful, I allow myself to scream under water. It also allows me to release the building anger I've been carrying since I hit the force field. I finally come out and I feel better that I feel like I have more control of my body.

I rush to Finnick's side who is unconscious. I shake him until he mutters something to me. Katniss tells him that we are going to dip him in the water. I finally feel useful since I can easily drag him towards the pool of water. Between me and Katniss we gently dip his body into the water. He too muffles his scream. I see Katniss hold his hand out of concern and genuine care. I can tell that in just one day, he has won her trust, our trust and our eternal gratitude. How can we kill him now? I push the idea out of my head. We hold him as he dunks his head under water. He comes up for air a few times. He finally lets us go and swims further into the pool of water. If the water healed me and Katniss, it's reviving Finnick. He swims in this water like a fish, like a water creature, it's hard not to be mesmerized by the image of this beautiful young man coming back to life under water while the moon light illuminates him. I feel a pang in my chest as I think back to Madge and how she looked as she skated under the moon light. I immediately hold on to Katniss's hand and I kiss it. She looks at me and I see tears in her eyes, then she turns her attention back to him. I know she feels the same way I do.

After, we sit by the pool of water processing everything that happened. We rest, catch our breath, and wonder what to do next. We decide that sitting in the jungle carries too many risks, clearly we don't know what can jump at us from the dense vegetation nor do we know if the environment is a threat itself. We decide to head back towards the beach. I offer to get us water before we move forward, I'm sure they are dying of thirst just like me. Plus, we need it to recover. As I begin to dig into the tree and bury the spile into it, I notice movement in the tree. I look in the direction of the movement and realize that it's a monkey. I hurry up and drink and I tell Katniss and Finnish to get water. We fill up and decanters and I tell them I want to move out here as quickly as possible. I motion towards the monkeys and they immediately tense up as they see them. The monkeys seems to ignore us, but we know better than to let our guard down. We proceed to move down hill as fast as possible.

It seems like the humidity intensifies and we finish our water. Katniss asks me to get more. I begin to dig into another tree. Just then Katniss tells me to step away from the trees. There is caution in her voice and I instantly let go of the tree after I put the spile in it. I instantly pull my knife anticipating an attack. Just then I notice that the monkeys have caught up with us again. I try not to look at it, but just my eyes glancing over one sends it into a wild scream and the monkey lunges at me. I immediately dig my knife into it. Luckily it stays dead. Just like that, I start to see arrows fly around me as I physically fight the monkeys off me. I'm stabbing animal after animal and they keep coming. Finnick is fighting one after the other. It's not like fighting another Tribute, but for me, considering my physical condition at the moment, I feel exhausted but I fight to find more energy in my body, hoping that my heart has it in it. At one point, two monkey land on me, and I struggle a little but I manage to stab one and break the other's neck. Unfortunately I don't see a third mutt, already lunging towards me. I still haven't dug my knife out of one of the monkeys. It's wide is gaping open and I see its fearsome razor sharp teeth and claws, each at least four inches long. My stomach sinks, when suddenly a figure from a tree jumps out in front of me, shielding me from the monkey's impact. I see the monkey bury its teeth into a woman's chest, right over the heart and lungs, while digging its claws into her ribs. Her interjection gives me the time to pull my knife out of the other mutt and dig it into the attacking monkey.

Finally, the monkeys begin to retract, and we move backwards. I can't let the body I'm holding go. I see Finnick pull the spile out. I somehow find the strength to carry this woman's body all the way down to the beach. When we get there I realize that's it's one of the Morphlings from District 6. I'm in shock. She didn't run out to fight, she ran out to protect me, to take the mutt's attack, to shield me, to sacrifice herself. I feel helpless and angry. "What is going on!?" I scream out loud. Katniss wraps her arms around me to get me to calm down. I desperately hold my hands over her wounds in attempt to hold back the blood but it's too much. My hands fumble from her heart to her lungs and she gasps for air.

"Why, why? Why did you do it?" I repeat over and over again. I can't save her, I'm not supposed to. She reaches out to me with her hand, and presses it against my cheek. He eyes are finally sober and she looks at me so lovingly. I stare back at her eyes. Her hand drops back on her chest. I begin to talk to her about painting. I'm not sure why, maybe because I saw how much she loved it while training. She actually looks happy, so I continue talking about colors. I do this until she takes her final breath. The canyon fires. I scoop her in my arms and hug her. I thank her one last time. Carry her out into the water and release her. When I come back to shore I sit on the beach trying to understand what the hell just happened. Katniss wraps her arms around me again and I can't look at her.

"Why? She sacrificed herself for me. Why did she do it?" I ask her.

"I don't know Peeta, but I'm glad she did." She says as she hugs me and kisses my neck. I look out towards the water as the hover craft lifts her lifeless body out of the water.

"Peeta – she was dead a long time ago." Finnick says to me.

We're exhausted, and I have to admit I'm not feeling any better. I actually feel like I'm going to pass out. I can tell that all of this is too much for my heart, frankly I don't know how I'm still standing. So when Finnick suggests we make camp on the beach, I let my body fall. Katniss offers to keep guard with Finnick but he objects. He insists that we sleep. I get a look at his face and I realize that he hasn't had a moment to mourn Mags. He deserves privacy it's the least I can do for him. We help him build mats out of the vegetation again and Katniss cuddles next to me. I never thought I could sleep in the arena but my injury is all too eager to allow my body to rest because the moment I lay down and close my eyes, and sleep consumes me in a matter of seconds.

When I open my eyes I see two grotesque greenish and grayish faces staring down on me. I scream and then I register that it's Katniss and Finnick. They actually fall over laughing. The scene is surreal, we're in the Arena and these two are laughing playing jokes. While I'm amused, I feel the prank has taken a toll on my heart. The beating has escalated significantly and I start to feel sick. I hide this symptom. I really begin to worry about my condition. I'm afraid I may fall over dead any second. Katniss sits next to me and offers me fresh fish. I'm happy to eat because I suddenly feel hunger. I drink fresh water and try to rest. Katniss offers to rub that grayish ointment on my body to help with the fog induced injuries. As hours pass we observe strange occurrences in the arena, all far away. At one point there is even a major wave that almost downs out the beach we're on. There's no doubt that staying on the beach is the safest option as oppose to finding out what's in the jungle.

Suddenly we see three bodies come running out of the jungle towards the beach. The three figures are covered in something that appears to be blood, I can't make out who they are. One person has fallen over, one seems to be dazed and walking in circles, and the third one pushes the dazed one to the ground and starts shouting obscenities. Johanna! It's Johanna. Finnick registers who it is because he runs towards her and starts to call out to her. Katniss looks panicked but I don't give her the opportunity to object. Instead, I jog lightly behind Finnick. Johanna throws her arms around Finnick. As Katniss and I catch up, we realize that she's with Beetee and Wiress, the District 3 tributes. Johanna is describing what they've been surviving since yesterday. If we've had it hard, there's no doubt that they had it worst. Wiress continues to walk in a daze and talking incoherently.

"Not to mention that I've had to be dealing with that on top of it all." She says looking like she's reached her limit. Wiress keeps tick tocking and walking in circles. "Will you sit down!" Johanna demands as she throws her to the ground.

"Hey! – why don't you watch it – lay off her!" Katniss protests at Johanna's maltreatment of Wiress. Johanna stares at her and I tense up, I even grab my knife. The look in Johanna's eyes is deadly. Before we can react Johanna slaps Katniss, really hard across her face. She hit her so hard I swear I heard a cracking and popping sound and I don't know if the sound came from Johanna's hand or Katniss's face. Katniss doesn't even get a chance to react before Finnick has Johanna in his arms and he's walking her into the water.

"I don't care if you are fucking knocked up, I swear I will rip your throat out! You're going to shout at me! – I brought these idiots for you…!" She threatens Katniss and makes all sorts of rants that don't make sense to us. I protectively wrap my arms around Katniss and now I can tell she's furious. I look at her face but Katniss doesn't take her eyes off Johanna.

"It's only a matter of time and I know it will either her or me but I know we're going to be the end of each other." She says to me. "I promise you that." She walks back towards Beetee. We examine him and it turns out he's injured. We clean off what does in fact turn out to be blood.

While I help clean Beetee I'm preoccupied. I'm more and more worried about my health. Without a doubt, I should have more extensive medical intervention after being electrocuted but it's not an option. Try as I might, I cannot build my strength back up, I feel perpetually tired. I eat, I rest, I drink more water than anyone but I still feel weak and shaky. I try to focus on the task at hand which is to help Beetee. He is covered in that blood; to make matters worse, the blood has dried and his jumpsuit is now stuck to his skin. We move him towards the shoreline and let the water moisten his suit again. We can finally remove it only to find that his undershirt and shorts are covered in more blood. We have to strip him naked. Katniss doesn't even flinch, without protesting or reluctance she helps strip him down. I smile a little and she notices.

"What?" she asks me.

"Nothing – just, you've come a long way after…" I don't finish my sentence but I leave a big smile on my face, insinuating that sex has taken care of her propriety.

She blushes and I can tell she's trying to suppress a smile and bring on a scowl instead "I'm glad your sense of humor is back." She says. "I'll have you know that this past year, District 12 saw a lot of serious injuries that required close examinations by my mother. Let's just say that a man's natural form doesn't faze me anymore." She adds.

"Really, no one's form makes any kind of impression on you anymore?" I ask teasing her without looking at her. I finally look at her and she's staring at me wide eyed and trying very hard not to laugh.

"Shut up and help me move him over so we can see his injury." She demands instead.

We turn him around and we see a big scar on his shoulder. Katniss does what she can to stop the bleeding. Then she lets him rest. I continue to wash the clothes in the water. Katniss comes to sit next to me. We stare out into the water as Finnick handles Johanna. She has stopped screaming obscenities at Katniss. It appears that Finnick is now playfully dunking her in the water because when she resurfaces she's actually smiling.

"Is she genuinely smiling?" Katniss asks shocked.

"Yeah. She actually looks pretty." I say sincerely. Katniss glares at me.

"Oh yeah, I forgot you still look at other girls." She says with a teasing smile.

"Oh please." I say, I wrap my arms around her and kiss her. I feel that wonderful warmth spread from our lips. She presses her forehead into mine. Just then I can hear water splashing closer to us. I turn to look at Johanna and Finnick, they are walking towards us.

"Hello there lovebirds." Johanna tells us mincingly as she eyes us curiously.

"I'm going to help Wiress clean up." Katniss abruptly pulls away from my embrace and walks towards Wiress to help her into the water.

Finnick walks away towards our supplies and Johanna proceeds to sit next to me and eyes me up and down.

"Did you cool down Johanna?" I ask her before she can say anything to me.

"Yes." She says simply. "I heard you almost died, your heart stopped." She says as she inches closer to me and presses her hand over my chest.

"Yeah – Finnick brought me back. You want to tell me why he did that?" I ask sternly and she looks surprised by my tone.

"Why would I know, I wasn't there." She stays quiet and looks out into the water. "For the record, I would have done the same thing. I would have brought you back from the dead." She looks back at me and I can tell she's not playing games.

"Why would you? What is going on?" I ask her. Suddenly Finnick calls her name as he approaches us.

"Trust me." Is all she says to me.

"I hate being left in the dark – if that's what you're doing, I can't trust you." I say to her.

Finnick has reached us and he kneels in front of us. He brought Johanna fresh fish and bread. He grabs a piece of the fresh shellfish and brings it to Johanna's mouth. She gladly takes it from his fingers. There is something so intimate and seductive about how they get along that I can't help but smile.

"I'm going to leave you two alone." I say. As I get up and walk away I look back and Finnick has pulled his back pack and pulls out the two axes that he grabbed from the Cornucopia. She throws her arms around him and pulls him back to the sand with her. To anyone watching, this is just Johanna's overly flirtatious nature, without a doubt she is naturally sexy and seductive without trying. But I can feel the genuine intimacy and bond that they share. I worry because if they love each other, they will fight for each other the same way I'm fighting for Katniss, making them bigger competitors than I ever imagined. But then, why are they protecting me, why does she want me to trust her? I'm so confused, I worry that my physical condition is not allowing me to see things clearly. What am I missing. I feel shaky again so I sit down.

As I walk back to Betee to check on him and to dress him I hear Katniss loudly scream with a smile on her face.

"It's a clock, a clock!" She runs out of the water and pulls Wiress by the hand.

She proceeds to explain what Wiress figured out long ago. I draw a circle on the sand and and divide it into 12 pieces. We proceed to mark the horrors each station holds. Finnick asks Johanna if she saw anything else, but all they experienced was the hot bloody rain.

We decide to head towards the Cornucopia to stock up on more weapons and to leave as little behind for the others. Beetee refuses to move until Johanna points out that he wants a coil of wire he risked his life to get in the Cornucopia. Johanna grabs it and throws it on his lap, it's still covered in blood. We finally move. While we're on the Cornucopia, Wiress begins to sing a funny song about a mouse and clock. We begin to collect weapons and I see Johanna happily storm the axe station and stocks up with a big grin on her mouth. She finds a rope and loops it through two smaller axes that have holes through the handles. I eye her curiously and she gestures me to step outside using her eyes. I follow her and she demonstrates what she can do with this combination.

I'm impressed. "Are you trying to intimidate me?" I ask her with a smile on my face.

"If I were, you wouldn't be smiling." She says to me.

Just then I hear an odd splash and I hear Katniss ask about Wiress whereabouts. Johanna and I look around and we see Wiress in the water with Gloss, who slashes her throat. We charge but Katniss arrow finds Gloss's skull. Cashmere then throws a spear my way and I'm ready to block it but Finnick unnecessarily throws his trident to detract the spear. In doing so, he takes a knife from Enobaria in the leg. Cashmere lets her guard down and doesn't see Johanna, who throws her axe and it hits Cashmere's chest. Johanna hurries to grab the axe still buried in Cashmere's chest and holds it to keep her body from falling over into the water. Instead, Johanna grabs the handle of the axe and proceeds to kick Cashmere's body, dislodging it from her axe, she wouldn't want to waste a weapon on Cashmere's lifeless body. We hear canyon after canyon after canyon, all in less then a minute. Finnick, Katniss, and I spot Brutus and Enobaria and we charge in their direction but they manage to get away. I can't stop staring at Finnick, it was completely unnecessary of him to block that spear. I start to feel fear crawl up my back, what is going on? Then, I see Katniss dive in the water, I realize that she's going to catch up with Wiress body before the hovercraft comes for her, she's was holding on to Beetee's coil. She makes it and she swims back to shore.

When we are all together, Johanna demands we get off the island, just before we're about to start walking the ground below us moves and it starts spinning. We are knocked off our feet and I am quick enough to hold on to something. The spinning is so fast I'm being pulled off, I feel like I'm going to fly off. I feel exhausted and I don't feel strong enough yet. I curse as my hand loses grip. Luckily I'm caught by a boulder on the ground and it no longer takes effort on my part to hold on to anything, I'm being held in place by the momentum and the boulder that caught me. The ground finally stops and everything is still spinning. We quickly realize that now we don't know which direction is 12 o'clock anymore. After much debate we end up making a guess. We have no intention of going back in the jungle so we sit by the beach.


	31. Chapter 31

Katniss offers to get water and I'm about to join her when Johanna insists I work on another map. Finnick then tells me that he'll guard her. I feel uneasy by their all too casual suggestion that ultimately is separating me and Katniss.

Finnick must see it in my face. "Don't worry we'll stay in plain sight." He smiles and this puts me at ease.

Just then we all hear it, a high piercing scream calling desperately for Katniss. My blood turns cold and I'm already running after Katniss.

"It's not her Katniss! Don't, it's not Prim!" I shout after her. Finnick registers what I say and he looks panicked, he runs after her to try to catch her. I hear Johanna behind me but suddenly we crash into an invisible wall. We can hear other screams, they're unmistakable to me, I hear Mrs. Everdeen screaming torturously. Then him, I hear Gale's cries. I think back to the day he was crying out in pain, the day he was nearly killed by Thread. I think back to how Katniss reacted, how she was beside herself, holding on to him desperately. This was by far the worst attack Snow could unleash on Katniss. I know it's not real. I hear a girl's scream that I don't recognize, she whimpers and calls for Finnick. I kneel against the wall and press my head against the wall. I feel Johanna's hand on my shoulder. I look up at her.

"I can't get to her." I say feeling defeated.

"We'll wait for them here." She says.

"Who is that girl screaming?" I ask her.

She stares at me looking a little pained. "that's Annie, the girl that was reaped for the Quell, Mags volunteered for her." She stares out into the jungle, her eyes desperately looking for Finnick. She leans down and whispers into my ear. "He loves her. Desperately." She says. I turn to look her in the eye and I'm shocked. She stands back up.

"But…" I'm about to inquire but she interrupts me.

"There's nothing to explain, it's complicated." She says smiling. I turn back towards the jungle and I actually feel pain for her. Is it possible that like me, she has been dealing with an unrequited love, only receiving what little affection Finnick can offer her. Once a year, at the Games. Because when else would they see each other. Finally we see them and I stand up. They are running towards us and Johanna and I realize that they don't know about the invisible wall. We try to signal them but they are trying to get away and don't notice us. They crash against the wall. Katniss falls to the ground and I sink down with her. She looks at me and reaches out to feel the wall. Her eyes are full of pain. I tell her it's okay that it's not real. She leans her head into the wall and I can tell that she's screaming my name. I angrily start to punch the wall and even try to break it with my knife. I know it's useless. Johanna finally stops me.

"Just be here for her when it's over." She says and she wraps her arms around my shoulders as we sit on the ground waiting for this unforgiving hour to conclude. Finally it does. Katniss is rolled up in a fetal position making her appear even smaller than she already is. I walk to her, kneel down and scoop her in my arms. Her body is so tightly wound up she doesn't move. Her eyes are closed tightly. I walk her back out of the jungle and towards the beach. I lower us to the ground and sit her on my lap as she continues to stay in the tight rigid position. I beg her to relax, I tell her that everything is okay, that Prim is okay. Beetee explains how easily the Capitol can alter sound and they do have Prim's voice on record from the last Games, the Victory Tour, and other media presses we conducted. Finally she opens her eyes and her body starts to relax. I run my hand through her back and her legs. I kiss her and she kisses me back desperately. I insist that everything is fine because the final eight interviews are about to take place. I joke and tell her that if they did something to Prim, the Capitol would have no one to interview. This puts a smile on her face and she hugs me. I finally look at Finnick and realize that he's been holding on to my every word. He needs to believe that I'm right too.

Johanna breaks in our thoughts. "I'm going to get water and salvage your arrows." She says casually. We can still hear remnants of birds inside the jungle. Finnick reaches up and holds on to her hand desperately.

"Don't go in there Jo, Please." He begs her, It's the first time I see concern for her in his eyes.

She stares at him coolly. "Don't worry about me, there's no one left for me, he took everyone." She says. Hearing her say this breaks my heart and I hold on to Katniss tighter. She pulls away from Finnick. He stares after her then stares at the floor and desperately run his hand through his hair. He leans back against a tree and rubs his face with his hands. I can tell he desperately want to go after her but he refrains. After Johanna gets back we proceed to gather dinner and we get more bread sent to us by sponsors.

After we eat and the sun sets Katniss and I offer to stand guard. I welcome it because I want to be alone with her. I see that Finnick goes to lay next to Johanna and he grabs her pinky and twists it. This gesture breaks a smile on Johanna. He smiles and lays next to her. He doesn't let go of her finger. I smile. I turn my attention back towards Katniss. She sits staring at the water and the surrounding beach, I noticed that she is keeping her eyes off the jungle.

"Katniss." I call her as she presses her head on my shoulder.

"Yeah?" she replies.

"There's no point in us pretending we don't know what the other one is trying to do. I want to get you home and you are trying to save me." I say plainly. "Also, you should know that Haymitch made me promises just like I'm sure he made you promises." I add, her eyes look startled by this.

"I guess there's no point in denying it." She admits.

"don't sacrifice yourself for me." I say sternly.

Her eyes meet mine and she looks angry. "Don't you sacrifice yourself for me." She says back.

"Katniss, our situations back home are very different. Your family needs you." She's about to say something but I don't let her. Before she can say anything I remove my locket and open it. I hang it in front of her. She sees the images and her eyes melt and she looks pitifully at me. "Your family needs you. You have to get back to them, they need you to go on." I plead. "You have a future waiting for you." I say this thinking of Gale and I know she can't deny this. She turns to look at me and her eyes are now full of tears and they look unforgiving. "Katniss, nobody needs me back home." I say plainly without any self pity. I state it plainly because it's the truth. "I'm not saying it won't be hard, my friends and family will mourn but they will carry on, as will you." I say truthfully.

She turns so that she is now facing me. "I do, I need you." She says and her voice cracks with pain. I stare into her eyes and I feel angry because she shouldn't do this to me.

"Katniss…" I begin to protest but her kiss stops me. I pull away feeling furious now, I feel like she' manipulating me. "Katniss… don't." I say but her lips are there again to cover my lips.

She angrily pulls away and grabs my face with her hands, she's crying now. "Don't you get it, I will be damaged beyond repair if you die." She sobs. "I'll never really escape this Arena if you are not back home." She says to me pleading.

I look into her eyes and my heart aches to hear this confession. I am also succumbed by fear because I think of what her mother told me about her. "Katniss…" I say to her but now all the anger is gone. But she doesn't let me finish, her lips find mine again and her kiss is unforgiving. It's full of passion, thirst, desperation, heat, lust, and love. I finally see it, she loves me, and it takes my breath away. I start to feel that fire fanning between us again. Our kiss is perfectly synchronized, our lips respond to each other hungrily in perfect unison. My hands rush to hold her neck and her face and I want to lose myself in this kiss, it's as if my life depends on it. She pulls me down towards her and I lean forward pushing her back on the sand. I position myself on top of her and she kisses me desperately, she pulls away and moves her lips to my neck but I desperately search for her mouth again. Then it hits me, what the hell are we doing! We are in the middle of the Arena. I pull away from her leaving her panting and breathless beneath me. I sit up again but she follows me and her lips find mine, desperately. I lose myself again, her hands begins to desperately look for my skin as she moves under my shirt. My hands wonder to her hips and I bring her towards my torso and before I know it our legs are wrapped around each other as we sit. My hands are desperate to feel her skin and they rush to feel her waist and her back. The moment my hands touch her bare skin she gasps and pulls away for just a second. In that second our eyes meet and I feel that intimacy we found in bed just a few nights ago. Our lips search for each other desperately again upon feeling this rush. Our arms hold on to each other as tightly as we can.

Suddenly I hear the midnight lightening. It makes us pull back, but our lips keep lingering soft kisses. Then we hear Finnick scream from a dream. This makes us pull away and we rest our foreheads together. I run my nose along hers and she kisses me again, and I want more but I pull away. We both look towards Finnick and I know we should pull away all together but this moment is more powerful than us. We see Finnick scramble on the ground and look around to make sure it was a nightmare. Katniss looks away towards the water. Finnick then stands up and walks towards us without really seeing us.

"One of you can rest now, I can't sleep anymore." He says to us as he rubs his eyes. He then looks at us. I can see that he finally registers that we're both trying very hard to compose ourselves. We're still panting and we still haven't been able to unwrap ourselves from each other, Katniss's fingers are still desperately holding on to me as if she was clawing for me. "Or – you both can rest, I can watch alone. I made a nice tarp over there that should cover any disturbance.. or camera." He says to us. We are both on our feet now walking past him.

"I'll stay up with you." I offer. I walk Katniss back to one of the woven mats. She lays down and I kiss her deeply one last time. I leave my locket in her hand. Then I move my hand down to her lower abdomen. "You're going to make a great mother one day." I say to her. She stares dreamily at me. I lean down again. "I love you. So much." I kiss her and stand up again. I walk towards Finnick and sit beside him.

"Sorry about that – we should have been more careful" I apologize sincerely because Brutus and Enobaria could have charged us without us knowing.

Finnick smiles. "No worries, nothing happened. I'm surprised by her really – she's so practical. What got into her?" he says teasingly.

But I don't think it's funny because the answer is all I ever wanted. "She loves me." And I can't help the tears that come to my eyes. Finnick lays a hand on my back and pats it.

"That's what life is about Peeta. It makes it all worthwhile." He says to me. I wipe the tears and smile.

"Yeah." I say in agreement.


	32. Chapter 32

Finnick and I sit quietly as we keep a look out. My mind keeps wondering back to my latest realization. It makes me deliriously happy which seems ludicrous considering our circumstances and knowing that we will not get a happy ending. Of course she wants to make sure I live, for the same reasons I want her to live, because she loves me. I was not counting on this. This whole situation is bigger than me, it's bigger than us. I will do my best to make sure she wins, but now I can't help but think of the berries. It is very likely that we will have a repeat ending only this time – we may succeed. Our love, is the biggest defiance for Snow. He wasn't counting on Katniss's love for me. Nobody was, not even me. It doesn't make me happy that we will end up like this, one dead, one alive, or both dead. It's official we are the star-crossed lovers everyone envisioned. It doesn't make me happy. I hope that at the end of it all, they feel sick and remorse for what they did to us.

BACK in the Capitol.

Haymitch finds himself sitting idly at a mandatory viewing party. The plan is still in action but he's worried about Peeta. He can't take his mind off the pained and tired expression his eyes have since being electrocuted. He is trying with all his might to get them both out if their plan succeeds. He worries about his friends but he's also happy to know that Chaff is out there, ready to sacrifice himself for these kids. Really, considering everything, things are looking up. The Careers are outnumbered, while Katniss and Peeta's allies rest, Chaff is hunting them down. He hopes they succeed. He sits at the bar avoiding everyone, suddenly his thoughts are interrupted.

"Haymitch, what's wrong?" Effie startles him as she pulls up next to him at the bar.

He irritably glares at her. "why do you ask?" he responds to her.

"You're hardly drinking." She says to him pointing at his still full glass.

He looks down at it. "Well now that you're here I promise my pace will pick up…" He takes the entire shot. He looks at her and when he sees that she doesn't budge he turns to the bartender. "Another one please, keep them coming as long as this lady here stands next to me." He says.

"Why you are in a bad mood Haymitch." She tells him brightly.

"Can you blame me – your whole ridiculous asshole friends – put my kids back in this death match. Sorry if I don't find the bright side of this situation." He coolly tells her.

She winces. "I care." Is all she can say. Just then, Plutarch Heavensbee approaches them.

"Good evening, exciting day today right." He tells them as he points in the direction of the television.

"Excuse me there are a few people I have to meet." Effie responds as she scurries off. Haymitch is surprised to see and hear her response, this is as rude as he's ever seen her. He looks at her walk away. Plutarch proceeds to sit next to him at the bar. He looks cheerful and excited, Haymitch hates this about him. Even though he's orchestrating the escape, he hates that he still sees it as a Game. He's a rebel but the Capitol is very inculcated in him, it's almost as if he is incapable of seeing the seriousness of the situation. Further, Haymitch still believes he sees them all as pawns in an entertaining game; worst, that he now sees the Tributes, the Victors, and the Districts as charitable cases.

"Your tributes are doing great." He exclaims happily to Haymitch. "great mentoring, you really prepared them well." He adds.

Haymitch just stares at him and the bartender asks him if he still wants the drinks now that the lady is gone. "Yes, and make them doubles now." Haymitch orders, he then turns his attention towards Plutarch. "I'm just happy they're still alive." He says honestly.

"Have you made the choice?" Plutarch asks when the bartender steps away. Haymitch nods no. "The plan is they both get out, but you know it's a tall order. If we have to, choose one, it's best that you decide. Believe me, if you insist that you can't make the choice and we have to make it for you, you will not forgive yourself." Plutarch points out to him. He takes a champaign cocktail from a passing waitress and changes the subject all together. "They're putting up a great show. The whole star-crossed lover story has been amazing. The sponsors have been sending in too many materials for Katniss now that they think she's pregnant. Snow has not allowed us to send anything." He tells him. "Could it be true?" he asks suddenly.

Haymitch is confused because he doesn't know what he's talking about. "What?"

"The pregnancy." Plutarch replies.

Haymitch chuckles. "Sweetheart pregnant? No." He laughs some more at the thought. He is also happy that he changed the subject from the difficult task of deciding which one has to either die or leave in the hands of Snow. "Don't tell me you're sucker for that whole love story?" Haymitch adds while laughing at Plutarch

"I don't really care I'm just asking because of what we're seeing." Plutarch clarifies.

"Staged coerced puppy love kisses? That?" Haymitch tells him.

Plutarch nods "Yes, that, and that." He points to the television.

Haymitch looks towards the television and he pays attention to the last thing Katniss confesses to Peeta. That she'll be damaged beyond repair if he dies, but he is flabbergasted by seeing how she keeps him from arguing with her. He is completely floored by how they kiss, more than that, by the level of intimacy and intensity that they share. His jaw drops. If he didn't know better he would think these kids were not going to stop at an innocent and chaste kiss. Hell there is nothing chaste about this. He's even more shocked when he sees Peeta lean Katniss back on the sand and she wraps her legs around him. "What the hell!?" he screams out loud.

"Well that would be a first." Plutarch says dryly. "But sure makes for great tv. Have a good night Haymitch, I'll keep you posted with any news." He pats him on the back and walks away. Haymitch can't pull his eyes away. Suddenly he feels embarrassed and looks away. He sees everyone in the room just staring at the screen. Peeta and Katniss must know that this is not private. Then it hits him, they don't care, they are young and caught up in a moment because this is a life and death situation. This is an honest moment that has no chance of privacy under the Arena's circumstances. He peers back up at the screen and they're sitting up again, but wrapped in each other. The passion between them is surprising. He sees that the midnight lightening has struck again and Finnick is waking up. Finally, they are ripped away from this moment, no doubt a momentous moment for the two of them.

Haymitch begins to think about them, how they are not kids anymore. He thinks about all the times Peeta has pointed out to Haymitch how he underestimates him. He thinks about some of their conversations, he thinks back to the stream of friends that regularly visit him, the devotion to his father, his friends, to Katniss. He can't stop thinking that whatever goodness is out in the world, it's not lost on Peeta; not the laughter, the sunshine, the moonlight, good weather, sex, pleasure. None of it is lost on him. No matter how small it is, Peeta grabs on to it, and lives. Seeing Katniss in Peeta's arms like this is the only time he has seen her uninhibited. He's not counting hunting because that's a means to an end, that's just a survival tactic. That's all she knows, survival and getting by. Passion and love – she knows nothing about it. He pays his tab and leaves the party as soon as he can. When Haymitch gets back to his floor, he can't stop thinking about them. He thinks that in their short life, Peeta has lived, loved, sacrificed, and figured out life better than most, including Haymitch. He has lived. Then the impossible answers finally comes to mind, the answer he wanted to avoid at all cost. If he has to choose one, he'll pick Katniss. Why? Because she hasn't had a chance, she hasn't even given herself a chance to live. And at the end of all this, she may have that chance or at least she would die willingly for a chance of it, when she see it and understands it all. These are the reasons why Peeta would choose her too, aside from his love for her of course.

Once he comes to this realization, he can't stop shaking. He grabs more alcohol but drinking doesn't numb him or slip him into a delirium. In fact, it has no effect whatsoever. He starts to pace the floor and he finds himself in Peeta's room. He walks in and finds his things neatly organized where he left them. On the bed, Haymitch finds Peeta's sketch pad. He sits on the bed and starts flipping the pages. In it, it's covered in drawing after beautiful drawing. Landscapes, plants, people, his friends, family, even his mother, Katniss, and Haymitch. Haymitch runs his hand over the drawings and the shaking only gets worst. Without anticipating it, a terrible sob travels out from the deepest parts of him and cries. He falls to the ground holding on to his pad, hugging it possessively and protectively as if somehow he could keep Peeta safe in these pages.

"I'm so sorry." He manages to cry out.


	33. Chapter 33

In the middle of the night, Johanna woke up and offered to watch with Finnick. I agree and walk back towards Katniss. As I lay next to her, my proximity to her makes her subconsciously shift her body so that she presses herself to my side and she presses her head against my chest. I close my eyes with a smile on my face, and fall asleep soundly. I am able to sleep for a few hours, when I wake up the sun is up and Beetee, Johanna, and Finnick are up too. I look at Katniss and she sleeps soundly, with a smile on her face. I sit up slowly and force myself up. I sit next to Johanna and she offers me some shellfish. I smile and take some from her. She presses her head on my shoulder, I instinctively wrap my arm around her, and we smile at each other.

"What?" she asks.

I feel honest, maybe because of what happened yesterday but I don't see the point in holding back. "I do trust you. I don't know why nor do I feel comfortable doing it. But it's my gut instinct." I admit to her.

She slows down her chewing as I talk to her and she smiles again. "Good to know. I'm on your side." She says to me. She rests her head back on my shoulder.

"I don't know what that means." I say to her.

From the shore, Finnick eyes us curiously and he begins to walk towards us. "You two have gotten awfully chummy." He says with a smile on his face.

"It's my sparkling personality Finnick." Johanna points out to him. We all laugh at her response.

On the side, Beetee is fumbling around with his coil of wire, he keeps checking it over and over again. Just then, Katniss sits next to me and glares at Johanna.

Johanna rolls her eyes. "Hands off all right." She says to Katniss as she dramatically pulls her hands up in the air. She stands up and walks towards Finnick in the water.

I stare at Katniss and I notice that she's averting my eyes. I smile because I know that she's embarrassed by our brazen display of affection last night. I wrap my arm around her and kiss her neck, not caring. This gesture makes her laugh. We lay on the sand and I roll to my side to sit up and look around and at her. I start to fumble with her braid and I'm shocked to see pieces of hair falling off. I look at her.

"Is this happening because of the fog?" I ask.

"Yes." She says. "Are you going bald?" she asks.

I laugh. "No." I run my hand through my hair but nothing breaks off or falls out. She just shrugs.

Suddenly another parachute drops. Beetee catches it and opens it to reveal more bread, this time from District 3. Finnick runs to his side to look at the bread closely.

"Do they not have bread in District 4?" Katniss asks annoyed. I laugh because I know what she means, he seems obsessed with it. Katniss suddenly looks like she's miles away. She suddenly pulls me out into the water telling me that she wants me to practice my swimming. She holds on to my hand and she pulls me into the water until we're waist deep. She stares back at Finnick, Johanna, and Beetee.

"What are you really thinking?" I ask her.

She looks back at me. "This can't last much longer we're going to have to make a break sooner or later. There aren't many left out there." She states the obvious.

I nod but I get an uneasy feeling. It's not that I'm scared, I would just like to draw this out for as long as possible. I hate that I don't feel fully recovered yet. It's apparent to me, that for some reason they are trying to protect me, in turn, this is a big advantage for Katniss. "How about we leave when the Careers are dead." I say. She looks uneasy at my request but she agrees. We notice that Johanna starts to keep a close eye on us so I pretend to swim around a little. After a while Finnick calls us out to eat. He gathered an enormous amount of food. He's kept busy, I've noticed that it's more of a nervous habit. Katniss is not one to turn down food. We sit down and gorge, it's the best way to describe it. It's all delicious really. As I break oyster after oyster I'm surprised by a pearl. I smile at the beauty of it. I also laugh because the Gamemakers did this, and it's amazing that they bother to take the time to put these beauties in the middle of a blood sport. Why? I will never understand the logic behind the Capitor's residents. Then I think of Effie and how she was telling potential sponsors that if they pressed coal hard enough they would turn to pearls. What a joke. Then I realize that I have found a little treasure in the middle of this hell and the cynicism escapes me. I look up and see Katniss has been studying me while I wasn't looking. When our eyes meet she smiles instead of looking away. Then it hits me again, she loves me. This realization sends a beautiful sensation all over. I stretch my arm out to hand her the pearl.

"Here, it's for you." I say.

She reaches out to take it. "What is it" she asks as she looks down at what I've handed her.

"A pearl." I say.

She looks excited and her smile is now beaming. "If you press coal hard enough it turns into a pearl." She recites to me, and we both start to chuckle.

"No it doesn't." Finnick objects and this make Katniss and I laugh out loud.

After our meal and our strategic maneuvering around the beach to avoid the clock's trap Beetee finally has something to say. He begins to explain his plan to get rid of the Careers. It's a complicated plan that doesn't really make sense to us. It also seems overly elaborate. Even I wonder if it would be easier to hunt down the careers in the jungle, regardless of the clock. It's a funny scene really, his intelligence easily surpasses ours and here we are listening attentively to his every instruction, even Johanna. I even feel nervous. For all we know, he may be plotting to kill us all, not just the careers. For some reason this makes me laugh. Everyone looks at me curiously for interrupting. I just nod and turn my attention back towards Beetee. Here's what I gather, we'll have to make it to the lightening tree, wrap wire around it, travel the wire down to the beach again and drop it in the water. When the lightning strikes it will travel down to the water, electrifying it. As for the Careers, as long as we're on the beach they risk the jungle, if we leave the beach, they will desperately return to the beach in search of food and safety. Then the electrified title wave will finish them off. Very elaborate and overly orchestrated. I feel tempted to tell him that we could just hide in the jungle, have them come out to the beach, give them time so that they feel safe enough and we can attack, hell Katniss could easily take them out with her arrows while being out of sight. Something about this doesn't seem right. I trust his intention but I can't get over the feeling that it's too much effort for the desired outcome.

We end up waiting at the beach longer until it's time to start the plan. We hike the jungle. Thankfully I'm finally feeling better. We find the lightening tree and Beetee begins his work. Finnick and I collect water from a tree while Johanna and Katniss keep a look out. I also feel nervous because aside from mine and Katniss's display of affection the night before, there hasn't been any action. The Capitol must be getting anxious. I worry that they'll unleash unearthly mutts. I hope that their curiosity is peaked by Beetee's plan that they let him play it out. Finally, Beetee surprisingly orders Katniss to go drop the coil in the water. I'm startled by his request and it gives me a bad premonition.

"I'll go with you to keep look out." I say.

"No Peeta, you stay here and keep a look out here. Johanna can go with her." He says. Now I'm really surprised, I didn't think he could be this assertive. He stops to look at me and he must see suspicion in my eyes. "Peeta – there's no ulterior motive. I need this to happen fast, they'll move quickly. Your leg will slow you down." He states plainly.

"I promise you, I'm as fast as I would be if I had my real leg." I say defensively.

Katniss interrupts us. "It's okay Peeta. I know you can keep up but you're also still injured. Don't think I haven't noticed you struggling through all of this. The faster we leave the faster we return." She throws her arms around me and kisses me.

I whisper in her ear. "You don't trust her." I say reminding her.

"But you do." She points out to me. "Plus, I've seen how she looks at you for some reason she wants to protect you. She'll make sure I get back safe. As for her… I can't promise anything." She says teasing. She smiles and I force a smile to my face for her comfort really. She kisses me again. "I'll see you before midnight."

She starts to walk away and Beetee gives them more instructions. She keeps looking back at me. I get that stabbing feeling in my chest again and I feel fear travel up my back. I get that terrible premonition again. I look at Katniss and our eyes meet again, I suddenly get flashes of her standing in her bedroom as she held that gray sheet that matched her gray eyes. Again, she looks haunting. She takes my breath away. I want to run to her and insist that I go but Finnick pulls me back and tells me he needs my help securing the wire around the tree. I walk towards him and Katniss and I keep looking back at each other.

I feel like a clock has gone off in my own head. I'm so nervous. I look at Finnick and Beetee and they look calm. I don't think they've betrayed us, more importantly, canyons haven't gone off. It's dark already and the moon is our only illumination. This makes me nervous. Suddenly I see the wire shake, and just like that it comes coiling back. Finnick and I jump back. We both start to move out but Finnick stops me.

"No! You stay here and guard Beetee. I'll go see what happened." He says.

But I'm sick of it at this point. I push him off me. "The hell with you! I'm going!" I demand.

"Peeta – calm down, it may be nothing. You're wasting time." And so he takes off running without giving me a second thought. I'm furious. I'm about to go after him but Beetee stops me by grabbing my arm.

"Peeta don't! The Careers did this and this means they are just as likely coming here. Katniss is not the only target. Remember that and try to stay calm."

I push his arm off me. "What are we going to do now? Your plan is not going to work." I see sheer panic in his eyes. He is looking at me but it's as if he's looking past me. He turns around and stares at the tree, looks up at the sky. He asks me to give him one of my knives. I realize that he's unarmed and I wonder how logical it is for me to arm him because I realize that this may all be a set up and that the alliance is over. Why should I give him a knife.

He turns to me looking terrified. "Please, Peeta, give me a knife, Please!" He begs. The way he looks at me makes me go into a panic and it's my instinct to arm him. So I hand him a knife. He looks pleased and almost delirious. He begins to wrap the wire around the knife.

"What are you doing now?" I ask but he's not listening to me. Suddenly I hear a canyon. I jump I'm so startled. Beetee does too.

"Katniss." Her name escapes my being. Beetee looks scared in my direction.

"Peeta… please stay here. Don't go." He begs me.

"I don't know what you're planning now, but it's over. All bets are off. You're on your own. I gave you a knife. It's the last thing I do for you. If I find you again – I will kill you. I recommend you end it yourself" He looks terrified and I take off into the jungle.

I run searching desperately. Could it have been her? I have to force myself to focus so that despair doesn't win over. I see a body on the floor and I approach it, but at least I can tell from the silhouette that it's not Katniss. As I come upon it, I see that it's Chaff. I have no doubt that it was one of the Careers. It occurs to me to start calling Katniss's name so that I attract whoever is out there and after us. And just like that I hear heavy footsteps approach me from a distance. It's obviously not her, she's a hunter, I would never hear her coming. Plus, these are charging ready to attack. Just like that, Brutus materializes out of the bushes and dives at me from uphill. I'm ready for him. He's made a fatal mistake. I don't have time to pull my knife but I don't need it. Before he lands on me, my hands and arms find him and I redirect his weight and strength easily. I flip him over my head using his own momentum and slam him on the ground. I can tell that the impact has knocked the wind out of his body. Without hesitation, I quickly and strategically hold him in the position I practiced on Finnick, only this time it's not a friendly spar, it's a death match. In a second, as I twist his body from behind, I hear his spine snap, and his body falls limp instantly. My hands go for his head and I snap his neck. Boom! Canyon. I realize that these canyons are only causing more chaos. I need to find Katniss. I stand up and keep searching for her. I run and run and I have lost my sense of time. At least I know she's alive. This is comforting. Then I come across a large quantity of blood. In the distance I can hear running. I follow it, hoping it's Enobaria, but instead it's Johanna. I have to swallow this attachment I feel towards her. It has to happen.

Johanna turns to find me. She must see the look in my face and she knows any tie or trust I may have felt to her is gone. She nods no.

"Peeta." She whispers to me. "No." She pulls her axe but before she does anything, I throw my knife. It would have hit my mark, her heart, if she hadn't covered with her arm. I get her right in the forearm. She stares at her arm in disbelief as she studies the knife sticking out of her. She looks at me and actually smiles. She then pulls the knife out. She grabs it and then proceeds to cut her own arm. I'm shocked. Is she going to commit suicide? Just then, I hear Katniss calling me, her voice is coming from the direction of the lightening tree.

"Katniss!" I begin to move but Johanna holds my arms.

"Wait!" She says grabbing my arm, suddenly she moves the knife to my arm.

I instinctively wrap my hands around her neck and she looks terrified. "Peeta, trust me, wait." She pleads.

"Shut up Johanna! Just shut up will you just tell me what you mean!" I demand. But she says nothing and so I push her to the ground and take off. I don't know what kind of games Johanna is playing but I just need to find Katniss. I can hear again and again. "Peeta I'm here Peeta!" She screams again and again. I know what she's doing, like me she wants to get the competition to her. So I call her name, in an attempt to achieve the same thing. I hear Johanna is actually running behind me.

"Peeta! Wait!" she pleads.

Ahead of me in the distance I can see her, I can see Katniss standing close to the tree armed with a bow and arrow ready to fly. I'm running as fast as I can. Suddenly she points it upward and shoots it into the air, just as the lightning strikes. In a second I'm flying in the air, an explosion went off throwing me back. I hear explosions and bright flashes of light. I hit a tree that knocked the wind out of me and I hit the ground. I can't breathe and in trying to sit up I black out. Then I come back to see a hovercraft over me. No! I try to scream but the words don't find me. I'm alive, I'm alive. No! Katniss. No! I was the last one standing. Did she kill off the rest of the competition including herself? I pass out from the shock.


	34. Chapter 34

BACK IN DISTRICT 12

Peeta's father, brothers, and friends all sit together in the town square to watch the Games. There is a real sense of community sitting together. It's bad enough that they are forced to watch their own go out to die, but like the rest of the country they personally know why their Tributes are special. In this case, they don't drag their feet to stand together in solidarity, to hold each other up. They are more than happy to stand by Peeta's family, in support of him, they gladly do it. Katniss doesn't fall behind in this sense of admiration. The girl won the whole town's respect since the age of twelve. Her tenacity is astounding. They have no intention of leaving them alone, the district will stand with them until they fall, or one of them returns to them. These games are different though, it seems that District 12 has had camera crews throughout town the whole time. Nobody knows why. But it's left everyone feeling unsettled.

Back in the Seam, the same sense of solidarity stands. Gale convinced Mrs. Everdeen to move back into her old house. He feels responsible for their wellbeing and regardless of this game's outcomes he doesn't want Mrs. Everdeen or Prim left standing alone in that house. He doesn't want them to deal with the Capitol's eviction in case Katniss doesn't make it. Considering that Katniss is not in town, the officials had no problems with Mrs. Everdeen returning to her old property. Unlike last year, they can't take their eyes off the screen.

The whole town stays silent and listens carefully to Beetee's plan. They closely watch as the plan begins. The crowds protest when Katniss and Peeta are separated. In town, Silas and Nathan argue over whether that was a good idea. Delly just holds on to Peeta's brothers. Madge and Ivy just hold their breath as they watch. The entire Seam gasped when Johanna struck Katniss on the head. Mrs. Everdeen almost faints and Prim cries out as she shuts her eyes when she sees Johanna climb on top of her and dig a knife into her. She forces her eyes to look and see if she can see the injury but there is too much blood to tell. She begins to cry and hold on to her mother. The whole Seam is in uproar while the town square is speechless and breathless. Everyone's spirits crumble when they see that the Careers don't even bother to finish her off since she's good as dead. Gale suddenly can't hear anything. All he can see is the girl that he thought would spend the rest of her life with him on floor completely covered in blood. How can this be the end? He comes out of his trance when he realizes that he has fallen to his knees and his brothers are holding him up for a change. Suddenly people rush to give him water.

Suddenly the cameras switch to Peeta as he hysterically tries to go figure out what is going on, but Finnick convinces him to stay. Gale is furious when he sees that he didn't go to find her that moment but how would he know that Johanna just killed her. In town, the crowd is begging him, willing him to stay where he is. Clearly they believe he can still make it back. The whole district listens attentively as he argues with Beetee over what he's going to do now. Then they hear the canyon, the whole country hears it. Sobs now escape Mrs. Everdeen and Prim. Gale's world comes under. This time there is a collective gasp across District 12. The canyon must be Katniss. It's the first thing Peeta thinks of, and the whole District is heartbroken knowing that his fears are true. They are also startled to hear kind, mild mannered Peeta blatantly tell Beetee to kill himself because he will do it himself next time he sees him.

The crowd yells in relief when they see Katniss ruse herself out of her unconscious state. She bends over and vomits. Just like that, Gale feels life running through him again. Everyone starts to wonder who died, why did that canyon go off. Just then the camera switches to Peeta who has found Chaff. Peeta checks to confirm that he's dead and he looks relieved when he confirms it. Everyone is now willing him to find her because Katniss is barely standing. No one can believe that she's back on her feet willing herself to move after an injury that no one can really assess. All they see is blood randomly squirting everywhere. Peeta then starts to call out her name loud. Everyone knows that it's to deflect attention from her. Gale sighs and thanks him in his heart. Meanwhile in the town square, his father closes his eyes as he witnesses his son's selfless act. It works, because Brutus has found him. As he charges Peeta, Nathan points out to Peeta's father that Brutus just made a lethal mistake. He's coming from high ground, giving Peeta all the advantage as he stands below him. Before he can explain the whole District is silenced when they see Peeta's power. Everyone stops breathing when they see him snap Brutus's spine, then proceeding to break his neck effortlessly. Everyone inhales when they hear the canyon. When he encounters Johanna, everyone's confused. Gale just starts to scream that he kill her but even he's confused when Johanna further injures herself then attempts to cut Peeta, and not to kill him. Something is very wrong and he doesn't know why. The whole District just wants Peeta to find Katniss and hopefully save her so that they can think everything through. No one understands what she does next, grabs the wire and ties it to her arrow. No one can understand what happened to Beetee, why is he suddenly unconscious. The cameras didn't show it. Then Katniss begins to call out to Peeta, like him, in hopes to attract everyone to her, she wants them to find her. Everyone holds their breath as they see Enobaria closing in on her, and Finnick coming out of the bushes with his trident. As the clock is about to strike midnight in the Arena, she shoots the arrow. In the distance you can hear Peeta calling to her. A large flash shoots out and then there's darkness. Everyone wonders what happened? The television goes blank. The whole town starts to panic.

Gale stands up again and tells his family that he's going to see what happened. Perhaps the electricity went out but that doesn't make sense, there is light in the homes. He runs towards the town square. But before he gets there, he hears a hum, and screams, and marching. As he gets a clear view, there is chaos. What appears to be hundreds of peacekeepers are attacking the people. Then he sees her, he sees Madge breaking free from the hold of a peacekeeper. Gale doesn't even think, he runs towards her. He tackles the Peacekeeper before he can get his hands on Madge again. The man's helmet rolls off his head and Madge picks it up. As Gale struggles with the peacekeeper, Madge runs towards them and slams the helmet into the man's face. Gale jumps off him and holds on to Madge's arm.

"Are you okay? What happened?!" He asks.

"I don't know – Katniss shot the arrow and then the screen went blank. Everyone was confused and suddenly they came marching down the street!" She screams. "There's no putting it off anymore. It's begun Gale." Before he can stop her, Madge runs off.

Gale runs back to the Seam and rounds up the people. He tells them it's time for the uprising. It's amazing it appears that the peacekeepers have no intention of heading into the Seam. He calls the exit plan into action, which was to cut down the single electric post in the Seam and push it to fall into the electric fence. He runs back into town where the battle is taking place. He sees that the towns people are ushering people towards the Seam, to follow through with the exit plan. He joins the fight for about an hour, when he sees Madge. He runs to her.

"Madge! Head towards the Seam you need to evacuate. Go!" He orders her.

She looks at him. "I have to find my parents first."

He grabs her arm. "Madge there's no time! Go now!"

"No!" she shouts to him. He grabs her by the arm to take cover behind a building.

"Please go." He begs her. He grabs her face with his hands pulls her in and kisses her, because suddenly he's seeing everything that is precious to him and he wants to keep Madge safe. To his surprise she kisses him back.

"Gale – I can't leave my mother behind. You wouldn't do that." She pulls an envelope from her pants and hands it to him "I'll find you out in the forest." She can tell that he is not going to let her go.

"What is this?" he asks.

"Your instructions on how to get to District 13." She tells him. The shock of her confession startles him and it allows her to pull away and run. Gale is about to go after her when he hears his little brother's voice calling for him. He's terrified.

Madge runs into her home screaming for her mother and father. She's shocked when she finds her father shot dead in the living room. She lets out a piercing scream that no one will hear. She assumes that there is a peacekeeper in the house. She begins to whimper for her mother and she sees her walking towards her holding a gun. She looks deranged.

"It's okay baby, no one is going to hurt you now." She says to Madge.

"Mom, mommy. What happened?" She whimpers to her. She grabs Madge by the hand and starts to pull her towards the cellar. "mom, we have to go. Please give me the gun." When she reaches for it, her mother actually points it to her and Madge is horrified. Now more than ever she wants to run and hide.

"No sweetheart, this ends now. I can't take it anymore. It was only a matter of time before they did this. I can't stand the thought of you suffering. I never could" She touches Madge. She pulls them into a cellar and closes the door behind her.

"Mom, they will find us in here." She pleads to her mother.

"No darling. I heard the report in your father's study. They're coming. Capitol planes, they are going to destroy District 12. And we will be part of its ashes." She explains to her daughter.

Madge is horrified. "Mother, I have to get out of here mom. I need to warn everyone! Please!. She runs towards the cellar door but her mother has locked them in. Madge cries in desperation.

Gale runs in search of Rory and finds him. He runs as fast as he can and lifts him into his arms. He holds on to him with all his might, as if he can somehow will his little brother to include all the people he holds dear to him. He thinks of Katniss and tears jump to his eyes because he finally feels the enormity of the situation. They may not make it, none of them. His mother sent Rory to look for Gale because she didn't want to leave without him. He argues with her and tells her that he can't leave yet and orders her to go. He confirms that Mrs. Everdeen and Prim are already in the safety of the woods. He turns back around, his only mission now is to find Madge and get her out of there. As he turns to into the town's square, he has the Mayor's house in plain view, suddenly he hears a hum in the air. Everyone stops, even the Peacekeepers. They look above them and they see the planes. Suddenly, as if in slow motion a fire ball escapes one of the planes and Gale falls to his knees when it hits the Mayor's house.

He doesn't know who or how, but someone managed to lift him and push him towards the Seam. He suddenly feels fury running through his body. He will not let everyone die. He runs out to the forest and he finds his family. The rebels from the District have been executing his exit plan beautifully. They are all in secure space with life saving supplies waiting to go. They keep hearing the earth shattering explosions followed by wailing from afar. Gale keeps looking for Madge among the people. They move to the next rest stop and they wait to see if more people catch up. Then they proceed to the next spot and wait. They wait there for hours since the explosions have stopped. Nobody else shows up. They can't leave supplies behind, because in doing so, they leave a trail. It's morning, Gale explains that Madge left him instruction on how to get to District 13. Everyone is shocked. He looks around and hopes that she will run out from the crowd, but she's not there.


	35. Chapter 35

I wake up from a nightmare. I sit up and assess where I am. I'm back in the training center, in my room. I feel a suffocating pain in my heart. I don't want to get up, I want to die. I can't move, the depression is consuming. I close my eyes and I don't even mind the nightmares that follow. One is haunting, I hear a shrill scream, it doesn't stop. It finally wakes me up but I can still hear it. I jump up and I realize that there is someone screaming on the floor. Whatever or whoever it is, I hope it's a mutt so that it kills me. I walk out and I see a young woman, naked running from one corner of the living room to another. She's soaking wet, she runs right past me but she doesn't seem to see me.

"Stop, stop, stop!" I scream at her. And she finally stops in the middle of the room. She looks like a feral animal. Her eyes are crazed. I notice that her lips are blue and she's trembling. She finally registers that I'm there. She cowers when she sees me.

"Please don't hurt me anymore!" She begs me.

"I'm not going to hurt you." I show her my hands. I walk towards the sofa and pull the blanket that lays on it slowly. "You're cold… may I" I gesture the blanket to her and I approach her. She eyes me wildly. She lets me wrap the blanket around her. Close up I can feel how cold her body is, it's blue, her eyes are blood shot red except for the sea green eyes of hers. "What's your name?" I ask her.

She looks panicked. "I'm – hum – I'm not her.. I'm Annie. Annie." She fumbles through her words.

Annie! Finnick's Annie. "Annie, your Finnick's…" I begin to say but upon hearing me say his name she cheers up. She throws her arms around me. I'm shocked by the feel of her body, it is ice cold. I instinctively feel protective of her and so I wrap my arms around her. "You're freezing!" I grab the blanket again and wrap it around her. "What are you doing here Annie? How did you get here?"

"Hum – the peacekeepers." She whispers shakily to me. "the peacekeepers, they did, they did it, they brought me here. No, no, no not here. Somwhere… hurt me. They did it. " She begins to cry.

"Why? Do you know why?" I ask her.

She pulls away again and an eerie smile reaches her lips. "Because, because, it, it – finally – it started. It's begun so they. They. The peacekeepers, they came for me. Me." She stutters through her muddled mind.

"Annie, I don't understand." I say to her.

"Who, who. Are you?" she whispers.

"I'm Peeta Mellark." I say to her. Her eyes are wide now. She throws her arms around me again.

"no, no, no. Peeta. Peeta…" she whispers but then she sends a shrilling scream. "Run! Run!" I have to pull away from her and cover my ears. I beg her to be quiet.

"Annie what is going on, why are you here? Where is Portia and Haymitch – do you know?" I ask her.

"Haymitch?" She registers the name as if it was familiar to her. "He's not here, no, he's not here. He's with Finnick…. Katniss too." She says to me.

I feel that fear creep up my back again. "Annie did Haymitch die like them?" I ask fearing the answer.

She looks startled when I say this. "No, no Peeta, don't you see" She tells me.

I feel so frustrated and exhausted. I take a deep breath. "No, I don't see."

"My Fin and Kat-niss…" She leans into me and whispers in my ear. "They're alive."

I'm shocked and that fear grows. "No, I'm here. I was the last one standing, that means they're dead." And tears escape me. I'm exhausted.

She grabs my face again. "No Peeta – they're alive. In district 13, with Haymitch. Don't you see it's begun, it started. It's a revolution" she whispers.

I stare at her in disbelief. 'What?" I ask as a fresh badge of tears take over.

"Shh, it's a secret. There are ears in here. She's, she, she is the Mokingjay, she's home in District 13 now."

"You mean District 12?" I ask.

"No, no, Peeta. No. Snow destroyed 12." She tells me and my back doubles over in grief.

"Where's Katniss?" I ask again because I can't believe it.

"Shhh" she whispers and looks around nervously. "She's in district 13. She ran away. Shh. Haymitch and Fin are with her. Shh." She then cradles herself in my arms.

I don't know if it's her ice cold body or the fact that I can't believe this is happening again. Only one sensation comes over me – and it hurts, it hurts worse than anything I ever experienced. They held back from me again and my heart is completely broken. I begin to sob as I hold on to this young mad woman in my arms, who somehow knows more than me. That's all that they left me with. I discover a whole new level of low. I was left behind.


End file.
